NervisPervis Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Look. I'm glad you're satisfied with her explanation and are going to work through it, and maybe I'm just living vicariously through others when I desire that they not automatically accept lies. I just hope you are happy with her explanation as to why she waited until you were gone before finally meeting up with this guy. She may not have consciously wanted to screw him, but she wanted to hook up with him while you were gone, and sex was NEVER out of the question (as proven by the fact that it happened). Not a capital crime, but don't let her BS you. If she wants to come clean and make it work, no more lies. I've heard a lot of people commenting to posters that if an SO cheats, and there are no ramifications, then they will feel more comfortable doing it again. Plus, you're not married. Will you be able to live with this image as long as you date her? The rest of your life if you marry? Link to post Share on other sites
NervisPervis Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 ...had I known I was hurting her with my addiction, this may never have happened. QUOTE] A little blame shifting, no? It was your fault she cheated. Classic. So instead of discussing this addiction with you, she searched out another man? I'd like to take back any of my above post where I MAY have given her the benefit of the doubt. My wife did (and continues to do) 2 things your girlfriend did (the jury is still out on the cheating) 1 - Refused to come clean. 2 - Blamed me. It all happened a long time ago. I'm stuck with her because of the kids. I hate my marriage more and more every day. I suffer EVERY DAY living with her. I don't have the luxury of walking away. I envy you. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Hey Lasttry, I understand about you not wanting to let go. However, I think that you may still be in shock about learning this information. I mean, it just happened! Please be careful. I can say this enough, DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER UNTIL SHE GETS TESTED AND CLEARED OF ALL COMMUNICABLE DISEASES AND A PREGNANCY TEST!!!!!!! I also stress that you two seek couples counseling. In my opinion, you're in shock and looking inside yourself as to why this happened. The only possible answer that you found was and addiction to video games. You presented it to her and she's buying into your answer, " YEAH! That's it! I was lonely because you play games all the time!" Sorry, playing video games isn't a viable excuse for cheating. You're in shock right now and trying to protect this relationship and her. But, you are going to go on a trip; it's going to happen. It's called "the roller coaster of emotions." You're going to come out of this shock and into depression and sadness. Then, you'll hit an angry phase. You'll love her one minute, then can't stand to look at her the next. You'll be laughing one minute, and crying the next. You can't bare to think of her not in your life one minute to wanting to throw her out the next. This is a natural process. You're going to trigger. And what I mean by that, is you'll hear something or see something that will remind you of her cheating on you and you're going to be in a bad mood all day. Now, if she isn't willing to ride that roller coaster with you, then this relationship won't work. Therefore, couples counseling is the ONLY way to go if you're going to try to salvage this relationship, and even then...there are no guarantee's. The relationship you once had with her is gone forever. SHE needs to realize this. You are NEVER going to fully trust her again. SHe as to understand that as well. If she can't, then it's over. This isn't something you can sweep under the rug. I still think you're not getting the FULL story, but regardless. She cheated on you and gave herself to another man. Gave away something that should have been something very special and intimate between the two of you. You can't sweep that away. You can't go back to the way things were, because if you do, the relationship is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Its only 3 months for the First test.... they recommend that they get tested at six months and at a year ...... sometimes the antibodies dont show up until a year ... oh .. and watch out if she gets a cold in the next two weeks..! Time to bust out the level 1 hazmat! lol..lol..lol It goes from the first draw to 30 days, then 3 months next draw, then 6 months, then the last draw at 12 months. Link to post Share on other sites
NervisPervis Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 There's nothing to even WORK on unless she stops lying and admits the following: 1 - She invited him over while you were away specificaly so she could hook up with him. How can you even doubt that? 2 - She remembers every ugly detail. From her nervousness in inviting him over, to their first look at each other, to the anticipation of that first kiss, right down to every nasty thing that happened between the sheets. The "I don't remember" excuse is literally THE OLDEST in the handbook. My wife SURVIVES on "I don't remember". How can you even work on it if those two points are true? She's endangering your health, both mental and physical with these lies, and SHE DOESN'T CARE!!! You have NO IDEA how lucky you are this happened before you married this girl. NO IDEA! Please run. Run fast, run NOW! Link to post Share on other sites
jpleb Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 somebody on the first page mentioned that bj's are worse because she doesnt get anything out of it. my girlfriend did this to a friend of hers a couple of times, and i agree it does feel worse. in fact it made me sick just reading that comment. i forgave her though because she has had encounters in teh past when she was very young, and i honestly believe she felts she had to, even mentioning that he told her 'not to think about it, and just do it'. i really dont know what to do about this. im determined to carry on but the guilt is killing her and i cant forget it. i love her so much though. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Hey Everyone Day 3 of this ordeal. Thanks for all of your feedback. We had a long conversation last night about what happened. Call me stupid if you will but I'm an optimist. We were long distance before this and nothing happened then and I'm inclined to believe her when she tells me it wasn't pre-meditated. Ok, you're stupid. Knowingly marrying a proven cheater is the stupidest thing you could possibly do. If you had children then I would understand your commitment to try reconciliation, but under these circumstances both of you are much better off breaking up. You are still in shock from the betrayal and she is in panic mode and will tell you ANYTHING to get you to not dump her. As someone who has been there I tell you that trying to reconcile is the hardest thing you will ever do and it may end up with the two of you breaking up anyway. Why put yourself through this hell when you have no children and are not even married? It is just plain stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Desensitized Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Ok, you're stupid. Knowingly marrying a proven cheater is the stupidest thing you could possibly do. If you had children then I would understand your commitment to try reconciliation, but under these circumstances both of you are much better off breaking up. You are still in shock from the betrayal and she is in panic mode and will tell you ANYTHING to get you to not dump her. As someone who has been there I tell you that trying to reconcile is the hardest thing you will ever do and it may end up with the two of you breaking up anyway. Why put yourself through this hell when you have no children and are not even married? It is just plain stupid. ^This. Someone who unconditionally loves someone will never put themselves in the sort of position she put herself in. I don't care if she was drunk. I could have one drink at a party and sleep with someone and claim to be "drunk" - it's pretty simple. Maybe you just need a reality check, or maybe she needs to cheat on you one more time for you to get that she doesn't respect you. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Hey Everyone Day 3 of this ordeal. Thanks for all of your feedback. We had a long conversation last night about what happened. Call me stupid if you will but I'm an optimist. We were long distance before this and nothing happened then and I'm inclined to believe her when she tells me it wasn't pre-meditated. We are going to work through this. I love her too much to just let it go on one, albeit major, mistake. Life is full of mistakes and we learn from them. We just have to hope this one makes us stronger instead of tearing us apart. And I'm pretty determined to make it work. Chi TownD said that relationship problems can be divided 50% both ways in most cases and, had I known I was hurting her with my addiction, this may never have happened. She didn't make a conscious decision to do what she did but it did happen and we can't change that. Both of us need to try to fix what was wrong to make sure it doesn't happen again. I'm not the type of person who can deal with this from afar. I need to see her so she is still coming out. Talking on the phone or over the internet isn't anything close to talking in person. I need to see her body language, the look in her eyes and the way she shows me she loves me (a kiss, a hug, holding hands). If I don't feel like it is there anymore, I'll know right away. But I don't expect that to be the case. Again, thank you everyone for giving me an outlet to talk about this problem. And thank for giving respectful and useful advice. Oh really she didn't make a conscious decision huh?.... you are a doormat in training.... Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 this is exactly the reason I advise to never stay with a cheater. there is a better life for you out there. loving someone that didn't love you enough to keep from screwing around with someone else doesn't make a whole lot of sense. afterall, why love someone that would do that to you? anyway, will you get over it? never completely because you will never forget. and what kind of life is living with someone you have to look at once in a while and see "cheater" stamped across her forehead. or maybe you don't see that, but will look at her once in a while and have at least a little bit of contempt for her. so why do that to yourself? treat yourself well, get rid of her, and find someone who knows how to keep her legs closed to other men. Best post here. Link to post Share on other sites
olivec Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Listen man i dealt with this situation myself with a ex i was with for 5 yrs. I loved her completely we met in university and it was love/lust at first sight for me. Anyway fast forward to the last 6 months of the relationship and i noticed a little more moody behaviour than usual from her which led to peddy fights . Anyway she told me she didn't know what she wanted and she wanted to take a break. I said cool fine. Anyway as we were taking a break i was starting to hear things about her talking to some guy while were taking a break. Then i found out through a friend that she slepted with this guy and it apparently wasnt the first time. So obviously i was hurt, pissed, confused etc. So i confronted her about everything she didnt say anything which struck me funny. Then i asked her is this **** true or not. Then she said if i tell you yes are you gunna get mad? As soon as she said that i knew it was done between us. I said "**** you i'm done" and walked out her apt. It hurt soo damn bad but i knew if she truely loved me like she had told me in the past she would of never did that to me. Honestly man i cant tell you what to do here, but its not a great start on potential marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 only people that are going to tell you that good things come from affairs are the ones that were in them and got their BS to act like they want. call it blackmail or extortion. and sorry, no offense, but I think if a BS does say something good came from the affair, they are delusional. Not talking about the ones that say reconciliation is possible after an affair. I'm talking about someone saying the affair was a good thing or good things came from it. if you wouldn't wish the affair to happen again, or could erase it, then nothing good came from it. Link to post Share on other sites
whammy Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 if you find out that your gf/fiance/wife is a completely different person when your not around (its not a coincidence that getting blackout drunk and cheating happened when you were gone) then it is a huge red flag... and it a situation that you should walk away from... Link to post Share on other sites
whammy Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 (edited) also 1.) you talked about her medication. That is pretty solid proof that she wasnt as drunk as she is saying she was. 2.) this didnt just happen. Think back to every time you have gotten laid... to every time anyone you know has gotten laid. it doesnt just happen. it is a song and dance that lasts all night long and ends in bed. Its flirting, dancing, kissing, touching, etc... for hours throughout the night. was she blackout drunk the entire night?... I dont think so. did she pound 15 shots before anyone even got there?... no! 3.) so she had a few close friends over and one random guy she has never met. its this something often happens? when you go out with her and her friends is there always some random guy there that no one knows? but it just happened the minute you leave town? so actually want she meant to say is "i invited a few friends and this hot guy I saw that was a friend of a friend on facebook... he was super hot and I was waiting for you to go out of town so I could invite him over and have sex with him." 4.) Absolutley DO NOT let her move out to you. I wouldnt exactly break up with her yet... i would tell her I dont know what I am going to do but its not a good time co-habitate especially with her moving far to be with you. I would tell her that she needs an std test and pregnancy test and she needs to spend some time in alcohol rehab before you even CONSIDER a future with her. I know the rehab sounds over the top but this is your life man... if she isnt willing to spend a few months dealing with her alcohol problem then you know that a lifetime with you isnt worth that much to her... Edited August 17, 2011 by whammy Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Give it a rest people, he already made up his mind; Let him learn the hard way if he wishes so. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 You have made your decision to love a woman that took another man to bed with her How is it she ended up in bed with him----why did her friends not have her back Falling down drunks, still know what they are doing----if she was so passed out---how did she end up in bed with no clothes on---and how did sexual things happen, I did not hear you state that she was raped, so whatever did happen, it was with her consent, and knowlege----how is it she would choose a guy, she has never met before---or did she have the hots for him from a distance, and plan this----You are getting snookered You are getting a big dose of damage control If you stay, and it looks like you will----some things need to happen 1st---if wedding has been planned---it gets postponed indefinetly 2nd---she stops her drinking ALTOGETHER 3rd---you do not treat this lightly, you do not sweep this under the table, you do not forgive and forget---you do not play mr. nice-guy, and you should not be lovey-dovey for a while She goes NC, with anyone who knew what was happening, and permitted it to happen, including her ONS lover. If you are not hard as nails about this---she will percieve you as weak, in how you handled this situation, and eventually somewhere down the road when things get to be a problem, SHE WILL CHEAT AGAIN---knowing you will do nothing!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Guitarjeff Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 And the crap about remembering nothing is just silly. Even in the drunkest states you at least have still pictures in your mind of events that happen to you. I have been falling down drunk where friends literally had to carry me by arms and legs and I STILL at least had vague images like still pictures in my mind that I could recall. I assure you, if he was on top of her pounding her she at least has some foggy still images in her mind of it. She knows what happened and could probably tell you in detail, she just doesn't want to. The "No memory" crap is what would have ended it for me right on the spot. The earlier poster is right, she was not fall down drunk from the start, there was a time in that evening where she was flirting, kissing, giving him ever indication that sex could happen and she damn well remembers it and she was aware of what she was doing to send that message, cause if she didn't send that message while she was aware and he carried her drunk (with her completely out of it mentally) in to the bedroom and had sex with her THAT WOULD BE RAPE!! Nope, she knows she gave that indication to him during the evening while they were drinking and while she was aware of what she was doing or it wouldn't have happened or he would be sitting in jail right now. Her silly claim that she remembers doing nothing is all you really needed to know to prove to you that dumping her is the right move. She knew what signals she was giving him long before they ever ended up in bed or it wouldn't have happened Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 only people that are going to tell you that good things come from affairs are the ones that were in them and got their BS to act like they want. call it blackmail or extortion. and sorry, no offense, but I think if a BS does say something good came from the affair, they are delusional. Not talking about the ones that say reconciliation is possible after an affair. I'm talking about someone saying the affair was a good thing or good things came from it. if you wouldn't wish the affair to happen again, or could erase it, then nothing good came from it. sorry, this wasn't suppose to be posted in this thread. my mistake Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Give it a rest people, he already made up his mind; Let him learn the hard way if he wishes so. The Professor is right. Unless OP comes back to this thread then additional comments are useless. Link to post Share on other sites
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