How is she so happy to not be with me

[wilsonx]

it took so long for me and her to get to where we were. we were so close. knew everything about eachother. ive never had that before her and it feels like ill never have that again, or at least for a long time. i feel like ill compare every girl i ever meet to her. and no one will ever match up and ill feel like im settling for second best.

 

One of my older more mature friends at work told me something that has always stuck with me probably at the same point in my breakup process as you are now

 

"You have your entire life to get this right"

 

She left you for another guy. Trust me one of two things is going to happen, shes going to be so needy that he leaves her or she is going to get tired of him giving her so much attention and leave him. That relationship wont last because shes not happy with herself. It might be a couple years but the same cycle is going to happen over and over. Just be glad, I know its really early to tell you this now that its over and you do not have to deal with her neediness anymore.

 

Take a step back and read what everyone has written in this post. Breathe in breathe out, wax on, wax off.

[JohnEl]

I think it is not best for you to think that "she isn't as happy as you might think she is" because that type of thinking will keep you holding on. If she started dating someone else 1 week after the break up, chances are he was waiting in the wings. You need to accept reality in order to go complete NC, heal and move on.

 

i know shes not coming back. she might not be as happy as i think she is but shes still not coming back. she might be hurting about the breakup but shes healing and moving on. its just so weird to think about her with someone else. it hurts. knowing this guy wanted her while she was with me and now he ends up getting her. i think that she left me for him, at least on some level. maybe even subconsiously. she doesnt want to be with me and i need to move on but it would be a lot easier if i would stop blamming myself for everything. i feel like its all my fault.

[JohnEl]

i keep thinking about how happy she is without me. she felt like i was keeping her down and now shes able to have fun bc i kept her from having fun. i hate this so much. how do i move on?

[antinko]

This is what I had to realise and it's true John: it's not you who is the problem and she probably had no real reason she could articulate why she left you.

 

I think the fact is that this new guy, whoever he is, is simply new to her. It's not that he's better than you in any way whatsoever nor does she love him or is probably capable of loving him because she is selfish. She is bouncing around trying to satisfy needs which nobody but she can meet, but nobody other than she can educate her on that.

 

Whereas you were probably thinking in terms of 'us' during the relationship, she was thinking in terms of 'me'.

[Dblock10]

i keep thinking about how happy she is without me. she felt like i was keeping her down and now shes able to have fun bc i kept her from having fun. i hate this so much. how do i move on?

 

but you said earlier how you know she isnt happy... she sounds like a head case mate

 

why would you want that?

 

were you keeping her down? im sure you guys had fun together. cant always be fun. no relationship is like that. sadly.

 

move on by letting go

[antinko]

i keep thinking about how happy she is without me. she felt like i was keeping her down and now shes able to have fun bc i kept her from having fun. i hate this so much. how do i move on?

 

Oh please. My ex said very similar things to me, but they're just excuses. It's far easier for an immature person to point the finger rather than taking responsibility. It just sounds like she didn't want to communicate or work at the relationship.

 

The fact you're hurting right now and blaming yourself shows you cared, that you were in the relationship for the right reasons and she is the fool.

 

If you read some of the other stories on this forum mate, you'll see just how common it is, but also very hard on those of us who were dumped.

 

You can and will find someone more deserving of your love in time.

[JohnEl]

So do I just keep going with no contact forever? She's never going to call me or anything.

[D-Lish]

So do I just keep going with no contact forever? She's never going to call me or anything.

 

At this point you should be thinking day to day, not forever.

It's hard enough to get through the grief in the first few weeks, so set smaller goals for yourself.

[LovelyDaze]

At this point you should be thinking day to day, not forever.

It's hard enough to get through the grief in the first few weeks, so set smaller goals for yourself.

 

D-Lish is right on. I did this and it helped wonders. You can't beat yourself in the brain worrying about events that haven't happened yet. Take each day and/or event as it comes. The one goal you surely need to have is to heal yourself before getting into another relationship again.

[JohnEl]

D-Lish is right on. I did this and it helped wonders. You can't beat yourself in the brain worrying about events that haven't happened yet. Take each day and/or event as it comes. The one goal you surely need to have is to heal yourself before getting into another relationship again.

 

yea ive realized that trying to predict the future or dwelling on the past only leads to getting really upset and sad. just gotta live for the moment and take things day by day. she isnt coming back so i just gotta move on and get my life together and not let one person ruin my life. sure its sad but thats the way it is so just forget it and do things that make me happy.

[D-Lish]

Everyting you are feeling is normal. I know it's hard to take solace in that, but perhaps you can take some comfort in knowing you're in a community where you're not alone. A lot of us here are at different stages of our break ups- from fresh to completely healed- so there are lots of people here that can give a perspective.

 

You're so fresh out of this experience, and you've got a ways to go yet.

I can promise you that you WILL look back one day and wonder what you ever saw in this girl. I know it doesn't seem possible right now, but I promise you it will happen.

[JohnEl]

Everyting you are feeling is normal. I know it's hard to take solace in that, but perhaps you can take some comfort in knowing you're in a community where you're not alone. A lot of us here are at different stages of our break ups- from fresh to completely healed- so there are lots of people here that can give a perspective.

 

You're so fresh out of this experience, and you've got a ways to go yet.

I can promise you that you WILL look back one day and wonder what you ever saw in this girl. I know it doesn't seem possible right now, but I promise you it will happen.

 

thanks a lot. i wish i found LS right when we broke up. i was a mess for the first few weeks. i didnt eat, sleep or anything other than cry. i lost 20 pounds in 18 days. it was horrible. im eating again and got back in the gym. its gonna take a little while to get that back but im working on it. i feel okay physically now but the mental part of all this is whats killing me. i hope it gets better. she lives about 2 miles from me and i have to pass her street in order toget to work. so my eyes are always looking for her everywhere i go. the thing that hurts the most is that she is dating someone else. thats the worst part of all of this. he gets everything i had. thats really hard to deal with.

[D-Lish]

thanks a lot. i wish i found LS right when we broke up. i was a mess for the first few weeks. i didnt eat, sleep or anything other than cry. i lost 20 pounds in 18 days. it was horrible. im eating again and got back in the gym. its gonna take a little while to get that back but im working on it. i feel okay physically now but the mental part of all this is whats killing me. i hope it gets better. she lives about 2 miles from me and i have to pass her street in order toget to work. so my eyes are always looking for her everywhere i go. the thing that hurts the most is that she is dating someone else. thats the worst part of all of this. he gets everything i had. thats really hard to deal with.

 

I imagine it would be heart-wrenching to know that. It honestly doesn't strike me as coincidence that she met you when she was in her last relationship and has done the same thing again.

 

I'm glad you're getting healthy again, it's important to make sure you're getting sleep and eating properly. I lost lots of weight after my break up. but the worst part was not being able to sleep- that almost drove me crazy.

 

What you need to work on is knocking her off the pedestal.

 

At 5 months out of my relationship ending, I haven't managed to get there and I still have a lot of self blame (even though logically I know he wasn't a stand up guy).

 

It's one day at a time, and before you know it, you'll see some progress. you probably don't recognize it, but you're better today than you were a month ago. No contact helps, it really does.

[JohnEl]

I imagine it would be heart-wrenching to know that. It honestly doesn't strike me as coincidence that she met you when she was in her last relationship and has done the same thing again.

 

I'm glad you're getting healthy again, it's important to make sure you're getting sleep and eating properly. I lost lots of weight after my break up. but the worst part was not being able to sleep- that almost drove me crazy.

 

What you need to work on is knocking her off the pedestal.

 

At 5 months out of my relationship ending, I haven't managed to get there and I still have a lot of self blame (even though logically I know he wasn't a stand up guy).

 

It's one day at a time, and before you know it, you'll see some progress. you probably don't recognize it, but you're better today than you were a month ago. No contact helps, it really does.

 

 

NC has been driving me crazy tho. ive known everything about her for three years and suddenly i dont know what shes doing. i always assume its the worst case scenerio too. i assume she is sitting around with her new A-hole boyfriend and her family and talking about how much better he is than me and that she should have gotten rid of me a long time ago or something. and then i picture her loving him in ways she used to with me. and she has our dog. that hurts too bc it was like our kid. and this new guy gets to see the dog and i dont. NC has helped a little too tho bc for the last month, whenever i would talk to her, i would break down and feel horrible right afterwards. i coudlnt eat or sleep when i was talking with her. but everything that i needed to say has been said so there is no more reason for me to try and convince her to come back. i did everything i could to change her mind but shes already made up her mind and she doesnt want to be with me.

[D-Lish]

NC has been driving me crazy tho. ive known everything about her for three years and suddenly i dont know what shes doing. i always assume its the worst case scenerio too. i assume she is sitting around with her new A-hole boyfriend and her family and talking about how much better he is than me and that she should have gotten rid of me a long time ago or something. and then i picture her loving him in ways she used to with me. and she has our dog. that hurts too bc it was like our kid. and this new guy gets to see the dog and i dont. NC has helped a little too tho bc for the last month, whenever i would talk to her, i would break down and feel horrible right afterwards. i coudlnt eat or sleep when i was talking with her. but everything that i needed to say has been said so there is no more reason for me to try and convince her to come back. i did everything i could to change her mind but shes already made up her mind and she doesnt want to be with me.

 

It gets easier- it's better than talking to them, knowing what's going on, or hearing things you don't want to hear. After a break up any contact will cause a setback and you don't want that.

 

When you have someone in your life and they are suddenly gone, it's a loss. With my ex I felt him slipping away about 6 weeks before he left and it made me act needy and desperate- but I felt it coming. Even knowing didn't prepare me.

 

There is a good NC thread on here you should read- I'll try and find it or maybe someone else will and post the link for you.

[JohnEl]

It gets easier- it's better than talking to them, knowing what's going on, or hearing things you don't want to hear. After a break up any contact will cause a setback and you don't want that.

 

When you have someone in your life and they are suddenly gone, it's a loss. With my ex I felt him slipping away about 6 weeks before he left and it made me act needy and desperate- but I felt it coming. Even knowing didn't prepare me.

 

There is a good NC thread on here you should read- I'll try and find it or maybe someone else will and post the link for you.

 

im going to look for that NC thread. let me know if you find it

[D-Lish]

im going to look for that NC thread. let me know if you find it

 

I've been searching and can't find it.

[JohnEl]

I've been searching and can't find it.

 

i dont know how to get her off this pedestal. in my mind, she was the greatest girl in the world. it feels like i lost the best thing in my life. i feel like this guy stole the best thing in my life. she ripped my heart out and stomped on it. going to bed and getting up in the morning are the hardest. i hate going to bed and waking up alone. i lay in bed at night wondering what shes doing and if shes thinking about me. then i start to think about what its going to be like when i run into her. i know i will at some point. she lives too close to me to never run into her.

[D-Lish]

i dont know how to get her off this pedestal. in my mind, she was the greatest girl in the world. it feels like i lost the best thing in my life. i feel like this guy stole the best thing in my life. she ripped my heart out and stomped on it. going to bed and getting up in the morning are the hardest. i hate going to bed and waking up alone. i lay in bed at night wondering what shes doing and if shes thinking about me. then i start to think about what its going to be like when i run into her. i know i will at some point. she lives too close to me to never run into her.

 

Again, all normal thoughts and feelings. Not that it feels better to know that- but as time passes those thoughts diminish.

 

Something I think you'll recognize down the road is that you couldn't have lived up to her neediness. Some of the situations you have described- about having to constantly reinforce how special she was, and needing all that attention... You would have grown tired of it down the road, because you would never have been able to keep it up.

 

Like you said before- you have moments where you just want to have some alone time- but apparantly that wasn't okay with her, because having your own needs made her feel unloved. Some day you will realize the ridiculousness of that...

[JohnEl]

Again, all normal thoughts and feelings. Not that it feels better to know that- but as time passes those thoughts diminish.

 

Something I think you'll recognize down the road is that you couldn't have lived up to her neediness. Some of the situations you have described- about having to constantly reinforce how special she was, and needing all that attention... You would have grown tired of it down the road, because you would never have been able to keep it up.

 

Like you said before- you have moments where you just want to have some alone time- but apparantly that wasn't okay with her, because having your own needs made her feel unloved. Some day you will realize the ridiculousness of that...

 

i keep thinking that she was begging for attention bc i wasnt giving her any. i dont know. im just getting up and feeling pretty bad. today is going to be hard. i can tell already. im feeling very sad and alone. i just want her to call me. i had a dream last night that me and her were together again. this time i told her how much i love her. im full of regret now bc i still feel like i blew it. she loved me so much and gave me so many chances to show her i cared and i failed to do that. she had to leave me.

[Jaina19]

OP, I'm sorry for your situation. I know your pain, I went through the same with my ex. We had a long relationship and only 2 weeks after we broke up he was with someone else, even after saying how sad he was about the break up. It hurt a lot to know he moved on so quickly, and he sounded much happier with her than he was with me, and he did things for her that he would never do for me. With me he would never go out too late and always was stingy about going out and paying for things, not so with her.

It really hurts and I questioned whether he loved me. But after time I realised he genuinely did, but not as much as this new woman, because me and him just weren't meant to be. I didn't understand until I found another man and was much more compatible with him than my ex. Both relationships are long distance, and while I ended it with my ex for that reason, I find myself willing to do the distance for this man. It doesn't mean I didn't love my ex, it just means I didn't feel as strongly about him after all. Maybe your ex is happier with this new guy, maybe they are more compatible. Maybe he is just a rebound. Either way it doesn't matter, it doesn't make any difference to your situation. You need to realise she is not coming back and you need to start moving on. It will only hurt you to think about "what could have been" because it most likely never will be. I know it sounds harsh but you need to stop thinking about your ex and hoping she will come back.

 

Your ex is not really happy. If she keeps telling you how happy she is, without you asking, then she is not truly happy. If she was truly happy she wouldn't need to tell you and rub it in your face. She's trying to make you jealous or trying to seem happier than she really is. If she really cared about you she would be mindful of your feelings and not talk about this new guy. Or rather give you space and time to get over the break up.

Edited August 16, 2011 by Jaina19

[Chi townD]

You are going to go through a whole lot of emotions during this process. Right now, You're in the sad and depressed stage. I gaurantee you that you'll hit that anger stage, " How dare she treat me like that! Screw her!" stage. When that happens post here. Vent here! This forum is the best place to do that rather than through a text to her. Don't let her see what kind of effect she had on you. She doesn't deserve anything from you.

[JohnEl]

I'm in that stage. I'm just so sad that I let her go. It feels like my world is ending. I keep reflecting on the good times and how it's all gone now. I think

About how she has that with someone else and that she's not coming back. I'm a no thought to her now. She probably doesn't even think of me and if she does, she probably thinks about how much of an A-hole I am and wonder why she even stayed with me for as long as she did.

[D-Lish]

I'm in that stage. I'm just so sad that I let her go. It feels like my world is ending. I keep reflecting on the good times and how it's all gone now. I think

About how she has that with someone else and that she's not coming back. I'm a no thought to her now. She probably doesn't even think of me and if she does, she probably thinks about how much of an A-hole I am and wonder why she even stayed with me for as long as she did.

 

John, you have to stop beating yourself up. I understand how easy it is to take all the blame and let that eat away at you, but it doesn't help to internalize the blame like you are doing. We've all been there- but it doesn't help the healing process at all. It just keeps your ex sitting saintly on that pedestal.

 

As you've indicated in your threads, she wasn't perfect at all....

[JohnEl]

I know I need to take her off this pedestal. I just miss her so much right now and have trouble convincing myself that it's not all my fault. But In hindsight I realize there were some things I did which hurt her feelings. I pushed her away bc I thought I could do better. But now I'm starting to think I can't.