Remembering weird incidents from when I was young.

[audiojunky]

Hi everyone. I am posting here because I am a bit confused about something that happened to me when I was very young, in Kindergarten. The reason why I am posting here is because I recently have been dealing with emotional outbursts that have been displayed to people who are closest to me. My girlfriend has seen them and so have my parents. I have very strong needs in all of my relationships with people for constant reassurance. I tend to always worry about what the other person is thinking and i can get sometimes over-upset over small issues that don't mean a whole lot. I sometimes have serious emotional issues with accepting changes and losing friends to simple things like them moving or not paying attention to me sometimes. My girlfriend suggested that I go to therapy and I have just started to do so.. although I have not discussed any of this with a therapist ever. Today what spurred my thoughts - I did something very out of character and missed my mother's birthday... and I have been so upset over this... and I can never recall a time in my life when I have had some many emotional outbursts in front of people within a couple months, and everyone tells me that it is weird, not acceptable. It caused a girlfriend in my past to break up with me and has put stress upon my current relationship.

 

In the middle of my kindergarten year my mother put me into a new private school. It was considered one of the best schools in the area that I lived. The year after I left the school the man who ran it (and also taught me) was put into jail for child molestation. I don't remember my parents really asking if anything ever happened to me, but they say they did. I do remember from this school some very strange occurences that I knew were weird when I was there but I never told anyone while I was there.

 

Some of these occurences involved some things that were humiliating and I remember one time it directly involving someone touching me. I also witnessed the same patterns happen to the other students at the school.

 

Sometimes I have heard that occurences like this can sometimes drastically affect an individual's behavior later in life... that after the event happens and the child knows it was wrong that they block it out or don't deal with everything, or sometimes even forget. If I could only remember a few events which I definitely knew were wrong, is there be a chance that there were more events that happened to me at that age that I do not remember fully? What would the affect of not remembering all of this have on a person's social, sexual, etc. behavior later in life? I have always heard this about people who have been raped or molested but I never ever thought that I would notice it in my own behavior and have it be applied to myself.

[meanon]

It is possible to repress memories yet for them still to have an effect in later life. It's something you should look into with your therapist. You strike me as someone who worries quite a bit - try not to let this preoccupy you as there may well be no cause for concern. Good luck.

[average guy]

Hi Audiojunky,

 

I recently "confessed" to the world for the first time that I had been sexually abused as a little boy (5 year old). I have always been aware of it, and have told several therapist I have seen, but I asumed it didn't affect me (my behaviour or thinking) as it just seemed matter of fact - it happened, I'm over it. But in reality, (as you eluded to in your message) it has had far-reaching and major effects on my behaviours, interaction with other people, and my self-esteem/self-image.

 

I have since talked to my wife and mother about it and that alone made a world of difference, and now I have joined a support group of abuse survivors that also has made a huge difference. I highly recommend that you first begin speaking to a therapist specialising in child exual abuse, and then talk to your mother or father (but don't be suprised if they deny that anything could have happened). I can't tell from your post if your girlfriend thinks you should see a therpist because you told her about the abuse, or just because of your irrational behaviour.

 

As far as your 'proving' something really did happen, I do remeber the physical penetration, but I remeber more the "feeling" of the anger and violence present (I was basically raped, which uses sex as a weapon) and that "feeling" is more devasting than the actual sexual part, I think. So even if you were just "touched" it could have the same effect on you. If you "think" or "feel" something happened, it probably did. You might need a while in therapy, or hypnitherapy, to dive deep into the past and under layers of emotions to truly recall the details.

 

I wish the all the best and commend you for seeking help and urge you to follow throuh with getting as much help and support as you can, as you will need it for the hard struggle ahead to get through this, which you must perservere with in order to put it all behind you and lead a happy, fulfilling life.

 

Please send me a private message if you feel the need to discuss anything that you are unsure about posting openly, and I promise I will respond.

 

Take care and good luck

 

A.G.