conehead Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 Basically I dated bf for 2.5 months and I just broke up with him 3 days ago. I feel like sh*t right now, mainly due to guilt of it all. Link has all the details - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t291402/ Here is the brief recap: First 1.5 months of the RS and I was so into him, felt even as if I was in love with him at times, then the last month or so I just lost those feelings for him and he started to irritate me (I guess I lost interest as I got to know him more and saw his negative traits). I was depressed about this for some time as I really wanted to regain those feelings...I had so much hope for this RS to work out. Now, I guess I feel sad it did not work out, and also a huge sense of guilt for having hurt my ex's feelings. When I broke up with him, he asked me if time apart will help me to regain my feeelings and I said I don't know but probably not. He told me he still really likes me, and he was falling in love with me. I'm still not 100% sure why I lost those feelings for him, but I felt that way for a whole month before breaking up with him so it wasn't done out of impulse. Anyone ever experienced this sudden loss of feelings in such an early RS before? I can't quite make sense of it entirely. Link to post Share on other sites
FinOuch Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 This may come off a little callous towards what you felt for this guy...and I don't intend it that way at all. Truly. But... After a couple of months there is no way that you can really develop deep feelings of love. The "almost in love" that you felt was more in line with a crush. An infatuation, if you will. Understand that these are self-based feelings (in other words you are attracted to his appearance and what you *perceive* his personality to be, and are attracted to the idea of him wanting you in return), and are not the stuff that lasting relationships are built on. The fact that you started to lose interest as you learned more about him just further confirms that what you had wasn't love, but merely infatuation. And there is really no reason at all to feel guilty over losing/ending something that couldn't have amounted to much more than infatuation. The simple reality is that if you have lost interest in someone that quickly into the relationship, it needs to end. You are doing the RIGHT THING by ending it. This is part of dating. Not all relationships are going to work out (in fact, most won't), and you're actually being a better person by recognizing this earlier and letting him go before he does develop deep and strong feelings for you. There is no shame in this. Don't beat yourself up over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author conehead Posted August 15, 2011 Author Share Posted August 15, 2011 This may come off a little callous towards what you felt for this guy...and I don't intend it that way at all. Truly. But... After a couple of months there is no way that you can really develop deep feelings of love. The "almost in love" that you felt was more in line with a crush. An infatuation, if you will. Understand that these are self-based feelings (in other words you are attracted to his appearance and what you *perceive* his personality to be, and are attracted to the idea of him wanting you in return), and are not the stuff that lasting relationships are built on. The fact that you started to lose interest as you learned more about him just further confirms that what you had wasn't love, but merely infatuation. And there is really no reason at all to feel guilty over losing/ending something that couldn't have amounted to much more than infatuation. The simple reality is that if you have lost interest in someone that quickly into the relationship, it needs to end. You are doing the RIGHT THING by ending it. This is part of dating. Not all relationships are going to work out (in fact, most won't), and you're actually being a better person by recognizing this earlier and letting him go before he does develop deep and strong feelings for you. There is no shame in this. Don't beat yourself up over it. Thanks, what you wrote made me feel bit better about my situation. I am however confused... How can I tell if I lost interest only because the feeling of the rush/honeymoon I got in the beginning disappeared? I mean I can't expect this feeling to last forever right? When this rush disappears, how do I decide whether its time to go, or to actually stay and work on the RS? Link to post Share on other sites
FinOuch Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Thanks, what you wrote made me feel bit better about my situation. I am however confused... How can I tell if I lost interest only because the feeling of the rush/honeymoon I got in the beginning disappeared? I mean I can't expect this feeling to last forever right? When this rush disappears, how do I decide whether its time to go, or to actually stay and work on the RS? No, the initial feelings of twitterpation and butterflies will not last forever. There will inevitably come a point where you know the other person - good and bad - on a deep level, the rose colored glasses come off, and you are faced with the daunting question of whether you can be happy accepting them as is and moving forward - potentially for the long haul. BUT...(in my opinion) the initial infatuation period should last at least long enough for you to really get to know him! In your case, it sounds like the rose colored glasses came off pretty fast. A month and a half is certainly not enough time to get to know someone really well, and if you're only that far in before losing interest it's definitely not a good sign at all in my book. This tells me that you just aren't really interested in him as a romantic partner, but likely have some self-sourced desire to force it to work (which, by the way, never ends well) that has absolutely nothing to do with this guy in particular. I could be way off base. But it really does seem like you're holding onto the idea of a relationship, not the guy. So this poses the question of why are you letting this bother you so much? Are you holding on to some personal fears and insecurities that are making it difficult to just accept that he's not right for you, cut him loose, and find someone who can hold your interest? Link to post Share on other sites
Author conehead Posted August 16, 2011 Author Share Posted August 16, 2011 No, the initial feelings of twitterpation and butterflies will not last forever. There will inevitably come a point where you know the other person - good and bad - on a deep level, the rose colored glasses come off, and you are faced with the daunting question of whether you can be happy accepting them as is and moving forward - potentially for the long haul. BUT...(in my opinion) the initial infatuation period should last at least long enough for you to really get to know him! In your case, it sounds like the rose colored glasses came off pretty fast. A month and a half is certainly not enough time to get to know someone really well, and if you're only that far in before losing interest it's definitely not a good sign at all in my book. This tells me that you just aren't really interested in him as a romantic partner, but likely have some self-sourced desire to force it to work (which, by the way, never ends well) that has absolutely nothing to do with this guy in particular. I could be way off base. But it really does seem like you're holding onto the idea of a relationship, not the guy. So this poses the question of why are you letting this bother you so much? Are you holding on to some personal fears and insecurities that are making it difficult to just accept that he's not right for you, cut him loose, and find someone who can hold your interest? I think you are right. I think I really want it to work, really badly, because I feel that I'm ready for a truly serious RS that will eventually lead to marriage. I'm at the age where I'm beyond just dating for fun. This guy had all the qualities that I want in a husband at least in terms of job, house, culture, background etc...but for some reason I guess I just lost interest n attraction to him Link to post Share on other sites
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