GF dated prof

[ironman100]

My gf of eight months recently told me she dated her college professor for 4 months. They broke up a year ago. He was 20 years her senior. They still hang out occasionally via mutual friends.

 

My head tells me this is in the past, and to not think about it, but my gut won't cooperate -- it makes me feel kind of sick every time I think about it. Why is that? Why does it bother me so much? I want to stop thinking about it, but can't. Why?

[Memphis Raines]

If she banged this professor, then she is disrespecting you by hanging out with him.

 

X's are X's for a reason.

 

Of course you aren't going to be comfortable with her hanging out with someone she dated.

 

Question is, are you invited to hang out with them in a showing to the professor that she has a bf and isn't afraid to let everyone know? Or does she avoid asking you along?

[Woman In Blue]

It probably bothers you because she acted like a typical college bimbo who was foolish enough to be some pervert's midlife crisis piece of ass. There's just not alot of respect in that type of behavior and I can understand why you find it less than appealing.

[jnj express]

As was said above---she still hangs out with him

 

He was her teacher, college or not, and he was way older than her-----IMHO, it is her poor choices that are bothering you, and not so much that it actually happened!!!!!!

[Chi townD]

I'm a college professor and I can tell you that dating a student is a BIG no no with most universities and colleges especially if they are undergraduate students. They tend to be more laxed with graduate students, but it's still frowned upon.

 

I would have a talk with her. Tell her that you understand that this guy is part of her past and you can accept that. However, it makes you very uneasy for her to be hanging around this guy especially since they have a history together. Ask her to reverse the roles. How would she feel about it if you were still hanging around a girl you used to be intimate with? Maybe she'll see your point.

[PegNosePete]

Ask her to reverse the roles. How would she feel about it if you were still hanging around a girl you used to be intimate with?

Maybe, but reversing the roles usually works better as a thought experiment. Asking her what she would do, she will most likely say "I'd be fine with that". What do you say then?

[Chi townD]

Maybe, but reversing the roles usually works better as a thought experiment. Asking her what she would do, she will most likely say "I'd be fine with that". What do you say then?

 

 

I would say, "Well, you would say that because it's not actually happening to you, but it is happening to me and I'm having problems with it."

[Kelemort]

Yeah, role reversal doesn't work, because of course she'll be the pious sweetheart who OF COURSE would be oh-so-accepting of her dude hanging around his ex-girlfriends.

 

I have a feeling this is going to segue into another battle between the no-contact for life with exes/versus exes can be friends camps. Personally, I'm a follower of "no contact and no contact for life." Wish them well but involving them in my life would only complicate matters further.

 

This is an issue in her life she should've discussed with you far sooner than 8 months into the relationship. Been there, done that - it's entirely disrespectful not to be totally upfront and HONEST about your contact with an ex once you get serious with someone else, even if it is happening in a group setting. The fact that she waited so long brings up questions. And the fact that you've never met the guy, but she's seeing him.

 

I'd ask if you can be invited to the next outing because you'd like to meet this fellow. Gauge her reaction. Does she try to dissuade you from it or make up excuses? If she's not OK with having you along, it's very suspect, my friend.

 

But in general I think it's disrespectful to be hanging around your ex when you're in a relationship with someone else. I get that others disagree, but that's my opinion - because it often brings up issues like this and so often they're in contact with their exes because they're still in love with the person or CHEATING with the person.

 

My feeling is you're within your rights to request that she not hang around this guy, period - this was not something you knew about and something she apparently withheld from you for this long. My general view is that if you knew about it upfront, you have no right to complain when it starts to bother you. But if it's just dropped on you and you're expected to be totally cool with it...you don't have to be. Bring it up, let her know how it's bothering you and what you hope she'll do in response.

 

What is she getting out of seeing this man who's 20 years her senior? Is this some kind of daddy complex or something? What do they do and who else are they hanging out with (is this man now married or seeing someone else?)?

[collegeguy_24]

I was in a similar situation once.

 

When I was with my ex, I learned she had a sexual relationship with her high school teacher, she was 18 and this guy was 34-36 range.

 

Needless to say I was surprised, but I quickly got over it, as it was in the past.

 

Then a problem occured, we almost broke up on July 4th 2010 because she told me she still has feelings for him and loves him and no one she has ever been with could compare.

 

We reconciled, but she ended up leaving me a month later for another one of her exes.

 

Your girl sounds like the same type of woman. And to make it worse she hangs out with him still.

 

Trust me on this, this is bad news and you need to discuss this with her. I never did with my ex and it eventually exploded.

 

If you want to try and save your relationship, then talk to her and try come to an understanding, if she refuses, then dump her as she will eventually dump you.

[ironman100]

She has said that it's not an experience she regrets, but also not one she's proud of.

 

The only time she hung out with him I was invited along.

 

I suppose what's bothering me then, besides me having to hang out w her ex for a night, is finding out about the choice she made: I feel disappointed.

[rafallus]

The only time she hung out with him I was invited along.

If so, then you don't have much to worry about.

 

Unless there were some secret times she conveniently forgot to tell you about.

 

Up to you to decide though, if so.

[Memphis Raines]

She has said that it's not an experience she regrets, but also not one she's proud of.

 

well if you stay with her, she'll be an experience that you will regret.

 

 

The only time she hung out with him I was invited along.

 

so what? she is in the presence of a guy who stuck his lil smokie in her.

 

you think she doesn't look at him and has thoughts of her riding him for all he is worth, whether it be flashbacks, or fantasy? if not, think again.

[Osiris1234]

I find that girls who sleep with older men like that have daddy issues they need to work out, id just either stay with her for sex and nothing else or leave her.

 

How about this, start hanging out with a girl friend of yours, and hang out with her alot and see how your gf reacts.

 

 

Dont be afraid to show him that she is yours now, put your arm around around her, kiss her,make her laugh, you have to show this through body language that "This girl is mine, not yours, get the **** over it.

Edited September 10, 2011 by Osiris1234