What do I want?

[Isobel]

I'm a woman who has a hard time expressing strong feelings, and sometimes I even deny them to myself. For a long time, I have been afraid to fall in love because I feel so vulnerable when that happens.

 

Two weeks ago, my lover broke up with me because he wanted to pursue a relationship with another woman. We were in one of those arrangements where we had an "understanding." We were close friends who agreed to be physically intimate, but we weren't "in love."

 

Suddenly, when he broke up with me, I was devastated, and I didn't understand why I was taking it so hard. I've come to acknowledge that I feel that I'm in love with him, and I want him back. But I don't completely trust myself. It is possible, given what I said before, that I was in love with him the whole time we were together, but that I was in denial. And this breakup has forced me to acknowledge those feelings. But it is also possible that I just want something that I can no longer have. Maybe I'm just jealous of this other woman. It doesn't help that I miss him, since we don't see each other regularly anymore (he lives a two-hour drive away).

 

It would be criminal for me to tell him that I love him and ask him to consider giving us another chance if this longing in my heart is actually just loneliness and jealousy and not really love. But I don't know how to figure out which one it is, I don't know the questions to ask myself, and I'm in so much pain I can't think anymore. Can anyone help me work this out?

[Tony T]

It's pretty simple...you may very well be in love with him but at this point that would make no difference to him. You failed to express yourself while the two of you were together and he is off and away at this point.

 

As you admit, you may need to work on expressing your feelings when you have them.

 

As your guy saw it, you had a friends with benefits situation. By your own admission in your post, you were close friends who were physically intimate.

 

That arrangement generally stipulates that if either partner should at anytime have a compelling romantic interest in someone, the deal is over. He is now interested in pursuing another lady, which was clearly part of your deal with him, and you should not interfere. If you call him and ask him back to come back, he will be confused. If you call and ask him back because you are in love with him, he is likely to be pissed.

 

I can't help you sort out your feelings but I can tell you that you are normal. I think it is difficult for most women to have sex with a guy without having or forming much closer bonds of romantic love over time. However, it is fairly easy and convenient for a man to have a gal buddy for sex and to stick to the original deal.

 

Take your time in sorting out your feelings. All of the reasons for your feelings are possibilities. You may not want him yourself but may not want another woman to have him either. Yes, you may have been in denial and you may be in deep love with him. You did not mention if he ever expressed feelings for you. But that is pretty immaterial at this point. You must honor your relationship with him by letting him go.

 

You don't have anything to lose by letting your ex buddy know that if things don't work out with his new honey, you would be open to a more serious relationship. But just leave it at that.

 

Meanwhile, I hope you will begin the healing process and learn from this experience. It is not unusual for people to realize or fess up to feelings for someone after they are gone.

 

A few quotes I recall from songs and poems:

 

"Love knows not its own depth, except in the hour of separation"

 

"You don't know what you've got, until you lose it."

 

You will be fine!!!

[Tony T]

The subject of your post is: "What do I want?" While you clearly need to sort out your feelings and heal from this situation, the question should be once you decide what you want, will he want the same thing. He is half of this problem and it seems right now he wants to be with this other lady.

 

I truly understand how you feel. I have had similar circumstances and it is a pretty empty feeling...but you do get over it in time.

[Rivka]

I am very sorry for you. This is one of the worst types of blows a woman can experience because it HURTS to be rejected by someone. It is human nature to be upset about this, and unfortunately woman seem to suffer more in this area.

 

I, myself, am a perpetual romantic and I contantly fool myself into thinking I don't have feeling for a person, but I've come to realize that I cannot separate love from sex. For me they have to go together or else it is impossible for me to even be sexually attracted to the person.

 

(I'll be back. Have a call)

[Rivka]

Coming back to your question, "what do I want" I think you just want validation as a person.

 

Even though you had made an agreement, I still think that both of you were playing a game with each other, and you're both caught.

 

As someone once said, there are only two kinds of love stories,"Boy looses girl, Girl looses boy." I apply this to any type of relationship, because someone is always in power. Most of us can't go beyond our games and we try to trap others in our own game, but after a while we realize that even if we win, we aren't always satisfied with what we end up with..and then there is also the danger of getting so hooked into the game that eventually our own game traps us!

 

I think you are upset because you weren't in the powerful position here. You were powerless, and it hurts to be rejected my someone in power. The fact that he even told you about his interest in the other woman is gutsy, but I admire him for his boldness even though that must have been a real blow to you.

 

I do not believe in telling people to "just forget about him and go on with your life" because we need time to heal. We are not computers who can just push "delete" and the pain is all gone. Men have to realize this in their dealings with women. It sounds like there might still be unfinished business here.

[Deejette]

I think most women are kidding themselves if they think they can let a man get that close to them physically and not feel some kind of emotion about it. All kinds of things are tied into sex, including self-worth and feelings about our own loveableness and desirabilityh. Because of the potential consequences (like babies, disease) sex is not something that can be taken lightly. I think that is why we feel such strong emotions about it. Those emotions bind us to the man or woman so they will stick around for childbirth and ensure the survival of the family unit.

The subject of your post is: "What do I want?" While you clearly need to sort out your feelings and heal from this situation, the question should be once you decide what you want, will he want the same thing. He is half of this problem and it seems right now he wants to be with this other lady. I truly understand how you feel. I have had similar circumstances and it is a pretty empty feeling...but you do get over it in time.

[Deejette]

Sorry, for the typos. I meant that sex is something that cannot be taken lightly for reasons of babies, the family unit, fatal disease, etc.

I think most women are kidding themselves if they think they can let a man get that close to them physically and not feel some kind of emotion about it. All kinds of things are tied into sex, including self-worth and feelings about our own loveableness and desirabilityh. Because of the potential consequences (like babies, disease) sex is not something that can be taken lightly. I think that is why we feel such strong emotions about it. Those emotions bind us to the man or woman so they will stick around for childbirth and ensure the survival of the family unit.