To believe him or not to believe him?

[CLindsay]

My boyfriend and I have had a solid relationship and our relationship has been so perfect and wonderful for so many months. We're deeply in love. However, I have recently found out that he has kissed other girls...

 

Firstly, when we decided to be together we were in an open relationship. This was because I'd been so badly hurt in my previous relationship (because I was cheated on and emotionally abused), so I was really hesitant to allow myself to be with someone so closely again. I felt vulnerable, though our relationship became closed after about a month because we decided that we only wanted each other and we were behaving as if we were in a closed relationship anyway. It gets a little tricky here... We're both very sexual people and we enjoy a good time. We've been in sexual acts together with other people and we've both had fun at parties with the two of us completely involved, usually involving him kissing another guy or me and another girl - we're both bisexual. This to me was fun and okay because we were both there, it was meaningless and in the name of a good time.

 

In his mind, however, even though we were in a closed relationship, he thought it was 'semi open'. He thought he was still able to kiss other girls in the name of a shallow and meaningless good time. The first girl he kissed was about a month ago, the second girl was last week. I found out about these times through is best friend, who was under the impression I was cool with my boyfriend doing it.

 

My initial reaction was devastation. I was so angry, filled with questions and so upset and hysterical. We had the most beautiful relationship before this came to the surface.

 

I confronted him about it and we have spent hours and hours talking about it, he's just about as hurt as I am because he says he genuinely believed it was okay and now that he knows it's hurt me so much, he absolutely feels ruined to have done this to me because he 'loves me so much'. I believe he is truly sorry and he is doing so, so, so much to try and make it up to me and he's investing so much into the relationship since I've found out.

 

What bothers me about this situation is that he's kept it from me. My argument is that if he really did believe it was shallow and meaningless, he would have told me. Like, why was he keeping it such a secret? That's what bothers me. I asked to see the threads of messages on FB with these two girls, which he showed me as soon as I asked. There weren't many messages but I got the impression he was trying to impress them both. With the first girl he cheated with, I learned that he kissed her lying down on a couch at a friends house... That sounds so intimate to me, which begs the question of if he really does love me. I also found out that he invited her over to his place at around midnight to share some of his leftover pot with him. He had another friend over at his place at the time, but I still get so angry and anxious when I think about why he invited her (he swears it was innocent) and I'm so glad she didn't respond to him...

 

He has cried so much and he has been doing everything in his power to make it up to me, he's being so incredibly attentive towards my needs. I've forgiven him and I want to be with him and work through it because our love is so strong; but I'm just so unsure about how to cope with this.... I also have no idea how to regain the trust I had in him. As much as his kissing with these other girls sound shallow, I still jump to the conclusion that it was all very intimate and meaningful. I'm so worried.

 

Please help! I have no idea what to do.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know how you'll trust him unless you choose to give him a chance to prove to you that he's worthy of it. The begging and the crying.. A reaction to being caught and called out on what he's done? Or is it genuine, from the heart and he truly feels awful for making some real dumb choices by kissing other girls.. Only you can decide that.

 

My concern is, and you did bring this up. If he is sooo in love with you and you two decided not to have an open relationship anymore, what the heck is he doing by kissing others? A semi-open relationship? Or is that a justification on his behalf, pretending he didn't know what no more open relationship meant? WHy did he spend "alone" time with other girls, let alone kiss them. What did he get out of it and what has he told these other girls? you need to talk to him and find out what is going on. I hope he atleast is honest with you and gives you some answers truthfully, not ones to cover his ass and make himself into a victim or make you feel sorry for him.