confused_88 Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 ok...so I'm not sure if any of you read my previous posts. The long and the short is that I have been in an A with a MW for the past 6 months. Things got real intense, real fast, right out of the gate. Secret rendezvous...I love you's....incessant back and forth messages about how each of us thought someone like the other never existed. Couple this with the fact we work together. Got sent overseas on a business trip and basically had an A honeymoon....lol, if there is such a thing...just made it up. seriously thought she was the one. things were progressing nicely. She realized that she was at a crossroads and had to make a decision with her H about moving on. She decided to take some time off from work. Unfortunately, during that time, she completely cut me off. She didn't go total NC, but what little contact there was, was nothing beyond pleasantries you'd exchange with an acquantaince....certainly not someone you confessed and promised, undying love towards. so...after being kept in the dark for sooo long...pleading for her to just tell me the way it is...I had enough. I told her that it was obvious that she would never leave her H....because if she wanted to be with me, she would. regardless of anything. even with this, she never had the decency to respond, and tell me, "yes, I'm trying to patch things up with H."....just nothing...silence. so, the long break from work ended, and she came back...and it's the familiar sounds of silence. So what gives here? I'm basically moving on in my life...but still, part of me is supremlely curious. how can you truly move on with your life without formally ending it with the OM. I mean hell, her H knows all about it, you'd think that he'd demand she formally end it before he entertained any notions about making it work. Hell he even contacted me when he first found out. So here's my assessment. She won't tell me that she's trying to work it out with him, even though she is. She won't tell me for the simple reason that in case it doesn't work out with him, she knows that I'll be here, waiting for her, when she realizes it wont work. Am I way off? Anyone with similar circumstance or insight on this. I'm basically almost completely over this...but one character flaw I have is super curiousity, and I hate being kept in the dark, lol. Cheers for reading! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 I got another scenario...she won't tell you because she doesn't deem you worthy enough to even tell, back off or she is chicken. Shrug. Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 OP.... you are the affair partner, remember? Not the first priority. The first priority is her H. She doesn't HAVE talk with you, doesn't owe you anything. 6 months is nothing, I'm sorry, but suck it up. Never get involved with someone from work. And pleading... OMG, sorry but you would never get to talk with you that way. I don't think she is going to speak to you out of loyalty to her decision to make it work with her H. You were a fun time for 6 months for her. Please do not contact her or speak with her about your situation... time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 I don't know if you realize this, but people who cheat in their marriages generally lie to people that they are in relationships with. And often. Or else they wouldn't be in long-term affairs to begin with. Sorry to tell you. Just another reason not to get involved with someone who is already involved. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Your truth and how you viewed the affair (or relationship in your eyes) is different than how she viewed it. She may feel she doesn't owe you any long explanations of the why's and how's of her marriage, how they are handling it. At the end of the day it really isn't your business to know and the best thing to do, or try to do is focus on you and your own healing. Being curious is one thing, but it seems you can't let go and still have hope? Don't be her ego feed. End it in your own mind and see her for who she is. A selfish woman who feels she can do whatever she wants and not care who she hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Your truth and how you viewed the affair (or relationship in your eyes) is different than how she viewed it. She may feel she doesn't owe you any long explanations of the why's and how's of her marriage, how they are handling it. At the end of the day it really isn't your business to know and the best thing to do, or try to do is focus on you and your own healing. Being curious is one thing, but it seems you can't let go and still have hope? Don't be her ego feed. End it in your own mind and see her for who she is. A selfish woman who feels she can do whatever she wants and not care who she hurts. Read these words over and over again. It took me awhile to get it but I did. Focus on you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Read these words over and over again. It took me awhile to get it but I did. Focus on you. Hey, a little shout out to you Confused4Now. Strong and wise one that you are now! Hope life is going well for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 I don't think you are over her at all, otherwise you wouldn't be on LS. That's ok, it takes a long time if your feelings were involved in the A. There are lots of people here still scratching their heads about what happened ,including me. You are fortunate it was only 6 months and not years. She appears to be making things right with her marriage. It's amazing how quickly the A partner becomes as cold as yesterday's news when the MM/MW decides to repair their marriage. You no longer have any relevance to them. In fact you are a bloody nuisnace... They have finished with you.... no questions answered, nothing. It doesn't sound as though you will be hearing anything personal from her again...ever. This woman had fun with you , especially while you were away together, then ran back to the safety of her marriage. That's how it goes with the MM/MW and As. They have the fun and don't think about the emeotional mess they leave behind. Best wishes, Gentlegirl ps Would you trust her to be your wife knowing what you know? Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 (edited) Welcome to LS Confused88, former OM here. I will give you my interpretation of her actions based on my ow experience with MW and other readings : ok...so I'm not sure if any of you read my previous posts. The long and the short is that I have been in an A with a MW for the past 6 months. Things got real intense, real fast, right out of the gate. Secret rendezvous...I love you's....incessant back and forth messages about how each of us thought someone like the other never existed. It is always very intense, passionate, all sparks and beautiful at the beginning, but then it turns into pain and emotional rollercoaster. Couple this with the fact we work together. Got sent overseas on a business trip and basically had an A honeymoon....lol, if there is such a thing...just made it up. seriously thought she was the one. things were progressing nicely. She realized that she was at a crossroads and had to make a decision with her H about moving on. She decided to take some time off from work. Unfortunately, during that time, she completely cut me off. She didn't go total NC, but what little contact there was, was nothing beyond pleasantries you'd exchange with an acquantaince....certainly not someone you confessed and promised, undying love towards. The A honeymoon was for her the thrill and the escape from her reality but she didn't expect the emotional impact she would have from this. Then she got torn and overwhelmed with contradicting feelings : the addiction to you, the fact of being married and the guilt. She took some time off to figure out what she wanted to do. You don't say how her H found out but I guess she decided to confess him and stay in her M while going NC to with you. so...after being kept in the dark for sooo long...pleading for her to just tell me the way it is...I had enough. I told her that it was obvious that she would never leave her H....because if she wanted to be with me, she would. regardless of anything. even with this, she never had the decency to respond, and tell me, "yes, I'm trying to patch things up with H."....just nothing...silence. so, the long break from work ended, and she came back...and it's the familiar sounds of silence. So what gives here? I'm basically moving on in my life...but still, part of me is supremlely curious. how can you truly move on with your life without formally ending it with the OM. I mean hell, her H knows all about it, you'd think that he'd demand she formally end it before he entertained any notions about making it work. Hell he even contacted me when he first found out. Did you tell him the truth? I hope you didn't tell him you were friends, because prbably he wanted your side of the story. Some MW don't confess it all, especially the physical part and minimize the A to their H. So here's my assessment. She won't tell me that she's trying to work it out with him, even though she is. She won't tell me for the simple reason that in case it doesn't work out with him, she knows that I'll be here, waiting for her, when she realizes it wont work. Am I way off? Anyone with similar circumstance or insight on this. I'm basically almost completely over this...but one character flaw I have is super curiousity, and I hate being kept in the dark, lol. Cheers for reading! I think she doesn't have the guts to be upfront with you. I also think, either she is sorry for hurting you or her perception of the A is that it was a fling and now she is avoiding you. Not telling you the truth is also a lack of respect. Some people don't know how to give closure to someone and simply go cold turkey. She is showing you by her actions that it is over and you have to find closure by yourself. Even a 6 months A is long enough to be emotionally impacted. Probably - unless you are a VERY strong person - it will take you a long time to get over it. You need to avoid her as much as she is ignoring you. Don't ask or plead her for explanations, it doesn't matter, only the result matters, she decided to stay. Ban her completely from your life, heal and move on. Edited August 16, 2011 by East7 Link to post Share on other sites
Heart On Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 How can you truly move on with your life without formally ending it with the OM. The very same way they can easily cheat. She lacks empathy.The only closure you will ever find is in your own heart.Listen closely to the silence.It says it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Welcome to LS Confused88, former OM here. I will give you my interpretation of her actions based on my ow experience with MW and other readings : Great Post East Gentlegirl Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Just a thought...odds are, since H knew about the affair, he probably (wisely) INSISTED that she break off any and all contact with you. Probably insisted that as part of the 'recovery', she have NO contact with you beyond what was required for work. And given that she has clearly made her decision to work on her marriage (as evidenced by her discontinuing the affair with you)...she's upholding that. What do you think you need to hear from her that would in any way change your situation at this point? That it's over? Her actions tell you that. That she's determined to work on her marriage? Her actions tell you that. So what is it that you feel you need to hear from her that you're not already hearing from her silence...or her actions? It's over, my friend. Let it go, grieve the end of the relationship, and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused_88 Posted August 16, 2011 Author Share Posted August 16, 2011 interesting assessments. I guess I thought she would have been more adult about this, and at the very least had a conversation with me. Silence annoys the sh*t out of me. Reminds me of childish games you play. She was adult enough to promise me that she would leave her husband, so be an adult and tell me that you are not leaving. At the same time, yes we do work in the same place. Granted not in the same departments, but it's a small enough company, so bumping into her sooner or later is guaranteed. Plus I'm in a role here where I will inevitably have to interact with her. So I thought, mistakenly, that we should have a conversation about the way things are as to limit the awkwardness when these situations do arise. I guess it's my fault for thinking she'd woman up about this. All the people who say she doesn't owe me an explanation I vehemently disagree with. It's just a cop out. Silence doesn't last forever, and doesn't resolve anything. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 It's not so much that she does not owe you an explanation, more that she owes her husband a lot more if she is trying to make things work with him. If she has chosen the marriage then there will more than likely be conditions asked for by her husband which will inlcude NC with you. Her focus on meeting those conditions is hard on you and hurts but that is the way it is now. As for working together - stay focussed on yourself and for your own sake, work on NC. Trying to engage her in personal talk will only keep the wounds open. Get on with your life and you will get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 interesting assessments. I guess I thought she would have been more adult about this, and at the very least had a conversation with me. Silence annoys the sh*t out of me. Reminds me of childish games you play. She was adult enough to promise me that she would leave her husband, so be an adult and tell me that you are not leaving. At the same time, yes we do work in the same place. Granted not in the same departments, but it's a small enough company, so bumping into her sooner or later is guaranteed. Plus I'm in a role here where I will inevitably have to interact with her. So I thought, mistakenly, that we should have a conversation about the way things are as to limit the awkwardness when these situations do arise. I guess it's my fault for thinking she'd woman up about this. All the people who say she doesn't owe me an explanation I vehemently disagree with. It's just a cop out. Silence doesn't last forever, and doesn't resolve anything. Silence is very passive aggressive isn't it? I guess it's time for you to try and turn this around in your favor and say to yourself, "I don't owe her anything either". Because it's my own experience with a MM that eventually they come back around. When the smoke settles and they feel they're back in control of the situation. When the day comes that you "bump" into her as you mentioned, try not to make eye contact and for heavens sake, don' t ge lured back into that web. You've already seen what it'll get you. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 She IS telling it like it is. You just aren't hearing it like it is. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 ....or maybe if she doesn't call it "over". She can come back later and restart the A. This way she can say, "My H made me swear never to speak to you". Who really knows, but her. Either way, you know what she's capable of and how she will treat you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused_88 Posted August 16, 2011 Author Share Posted August 16, 2011 ....or maybe if she doesn't call it "over". She can come back later and restart the A. This way she can say, "My H made me swear never to speak to you". Who really knows, but her. Either way, you know what she's capable of and how she will treat you. this is precisely what I believe she is doing. She wont end it formally with me for the simple reason that if she tries to make her marriage work, and it's not salvageable, i'll be there, waiting for her. It's like she has put me on a shelf, knowing how I feel, and playing out one set of cards, with another set stashed away. But like you said, I know what's she capable of. Sadly Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 this is precisely what I believe she is doing. She wont end it formally with me for the simple reason that if she tries to make her marriage work, and it's not salvageable, i'll be there, waiting for her. It's like she has put me on a shelf, knowing how I feel, and playing out one set of cards, with another set stashed away. But like you said, I know what's she capable of. Sadly So IF this is the situation...what's YOUR boundary in here? Are you ok with being her backup plan? Are you ok with waiting to see if she breaks her silence or not? From my perspective, my previous advice stands. Her silence tells you that it's over....either for "now" or for "always"....but regardless, that's the current situation. So are you going to sit here and worry about her "childish behavior"....or are you going to move forward on your own? Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 this is precisely what I believe she is doing. She wont end it formally with me for the simple reason that if she tries to make her marriage work, and it's not salvageable, i'll be there, waiting for her. It's like she has put me on a shelf, knowing how I feel, and playing out one set of cards, with another set stashed away. But like you said, I know what's she capable of. Sadly And this could just be wishful thinking on your part. Just because you had wild monkey sex during which she said "I love you" doesn't mean she really did. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Confused.... :bunny:HUG:bunny: She got you good and now you just have to pull yourself from her grip. That's all. After today you will focus on other things other than the reason WHY! There is no quick fix but that is the place to start and being that you work together it's a battle for you already. Ignore her. Remember, she has chosen. Know that you will never let her touch you again. Your heart is no longer hers! Chin up... Now get back to work. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 I don't know what it is Confused88. I'm just relaying to you how my A scenario went. The MM was on again and off again. I always called him out on it and he'd get very defensive. Now that I think back, I don't blame him for being defensive . I was so silly to expect anything more than such behavior from an already committed person. Who the hell was I anyways, but a lonely, vulnerable woman, that actually thought he cared for me? It takes each individual their own time and breaking point. Confused88, please consider the fact that, you made an unwise choice, you are looking for more than a fling apparently or else you'd have let this go. It''s alright to make a poor choice as long as you can recognize it as such, learn from it, move on, and never consider being in that position again. You deserve someone that won't jack you around like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Crabbies Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 It's over. women are able to compartmentalize far more easily if there future and security are at stake. She chose her husband, you're out.. Now stay out! Be a man, stop wondering, stop caring, stop thinking about this chick... Best thing is to ice, i mean really freeze her out of your life. And it is a game, life. You just have to win, you played a dangerous game, you got burned, now walk away, mentally physically everything. She's there, but she's not there. Mark a big red "X" through any image of her that comes to mind, make a bad association with it. Think about what she's done, as opposed to how you feel... Good people make mistakes, I think you deserved a conversation at least. If she couldn't even do that, she's a bitch and you shouldn't care about her anymore.. Not one bit... Also next office party turn up with a much hotter, younger woman... Forget her..entirely, absolutely, Ice the b*tch, mentally I mean and from your heart... Or meet your new family for the next few years BTW, they won't grow back...You have to snatch 'em back... Good luck, bro! Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Also next office party turn up with a much hotter, younger woman... I think that's an excellent suggestion! Link to post Share on other sites
Crabbies Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Also next office party turn up with a much hotter, younger woman... I think that's an excellent suggestion! Be willing to even break the "no-fake-tits" rule for this.... She didn't care how she hurt you, so go for the jugular, make sure that she's hot enough for her husband to get a good eyeful as well... I hope you've learned your lesson... NEVER, NEVER, NEVER let a woman get the upper hand final say or control in your relationship, EVER. Her husband is calling the shots now and she's falling into line, women always respect power. The last woman who should have controlled you was your mama. Link to post Share on other sites
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