Why wont MW tell it like it is?

[skywriter]

Be willing to even break the "no-fake-tits" rule for this....

She didn't care how she hurt you, so go for the jugular, make sure that she's hot enough for her husband to get a good eyeful as well...

 

I hope you've learned your lesson... NEVER, NEVER, NEVER let a woman get the upper hand final say or control in your relationship, EVER.

Her husband is calling the shots now and she's falling into line, women always respect power. The last woman who should have controlled you was your mama.

 

 

ok, ok, calm down there Mr Crabbies, LOL!

[Crabbies]

[FightClub]

Confused_88,

 

As a former OM, I've been where you are in terms of wanting that final 'conversation', like I also thought at the time that it was the only thing we could at least see eye to eye on before moving on because I believed we were honest with each other but perhaps there were more omissions and lies that were never revealed. I went so far as to visit her hometown to see her face to face after our year-long EA became one final PA.

 

What I can tell you is that it's been almost a year, the initially six months I didn't hear a word, I walked away from my situation and she went back to her husband.

 

Then the seventh month came around and I got a very long, emotionally charged, confusing e-mail of apologies, explanations, rehashing and declarations that we were meant to be and that I was always in her heart.

 

I never responded to that fishing attempting, in fact I deleted the e-mail and blocked her, it was the only avenue I forgot to block because we rarely communicated via e-mail.

 

Essentially all those words are nothing, they are just that, words without actions. Her silence, choice and where she is now, that's what the reality is.

 

I wanted closure at first but as time went on, I found my own. I realized that sometimes we have to let things go, no matter how much time was invested, emotion, etc...letting it go and moving on is your priority above anything else.

 

Perhaps you love this woman, now it's time to love yourself more and in the end, your past will sort itself out when you least expect it.

 

All the best, my friend.

 

-FC

Edited August 16, 2011 by FightClub

[Spark1111]

this is precisely what I believe she is doing. She wont end it formally with me for the simple reason that if she tries to make her marriage work, and it's not salvageable, i'll be there, waiting for her. It's like she has put me on a shelf, knowing how I feel, and playing out one set of cards, with another set stashed away.

 

But like you said, I know what's she capable of. Sadly

 

I think your instincts are right on the money. Right now her H has advised strict NC as you are colleagues and cannot completely avoid each other.

 

But I sure bet she loves all those ego strokes of you pursuing her for closure. It tells her how you are still pining away for her even though she has to adhere to the boundaries enforced at home. Brightens her day, I bet, to have two men fanatically interested in your attempts to talk with her.

 

Stop that. It's unhealthy for your ego even if it is boosting her's.

 

Closure comes from within. Focus on you, your life, and finding a partner who will commit to you 100%.

 

Remove yourself NOW from their marital drama. It will only fuel it, and not for any good reason having to do with you.

[Circular]

I was in a 3 year relationship, no d-day just the cold/distant thing like you experienced. Though in the end I chose to walk away. You have to realize that it doesn't really matter 'why?' all that matters is how it was handled in the end, that's how she handles her relationships, avoids conflict and runs and hides. I bet if you two talk at work she won't bring it up, will act like nothing happened, and try to 'pretend' you're friends and everything is 'fine'. She's focusing on her M and her H and you are now the 'bad guy' that caused all the pain and struggle and stress in her life - she's a victim of your doing.

 

Let it go, move on and don't expect to get any closure. A closure conversation she'll avoid like the plague. Why? because it requires emotional discussion, something she's not wanting to deal with. Probably the same reason she got into the situation to begin with. Matter of fact you could surmise that this is a wildly emotional situation for her, avoiding you is avoiding the emotions she doesn't have control over. If she could control her emotions and felt nothing she'd just tell you to 'get lost'. People don't fear others emotions they fear their own.

 

I'd say it's over and done though, so move on, deal with the grief, it sucks but it is what it is.

[Gentlegirl]

I was in a 3 year relationship, no d-day just the cold/distant thing like you experienced. Though in the end I chose to walk away. You have to realize that it doesn't really matter 'why?' all that matters is how it was handled in the end, that's how she handles her relationships, avoids conflict and runs and hides. I bet if you two talk at work she won't bring it up, will act like nothing happened, and try to 'pretend' you're friends and everything is 'fine'. She's focusing on her M and her H and you are now the 'bad guy' that caused all the pain and struggle and stress in her life - she's a victim of your doing.

 

Let it go, move on and don't expect to get any closure. A closure conversation she'll avoid like the plague. Why? because it requires emotional discussion, something she's not wanting to deal with. Probably the same reason she got into the situation to begin with. Matter of fact you could surmise that this is a wildly emotional situation for her, avoiding you is avoiding the emotions she doesn't have control over. If she could control her emotions and felt nothing she'd just tell you to 'get lost'. People don't fear others emotions they fear their own.

 

I'd say it's over and done though, so move on, deal with the grief, it sucks but it is what it is.

 

The more I read, the more I know that's why so many MM/MW get into affairs.

 

They avoid issues in their marriages. Rather than make it good or walk away, they do the patch up thing. In doing this, they create a second set of problems for everybody.

 

Avoid the elephant in the room.... let's not mention the war, etc.

 

Gentlegirl

[confused_88]

so the more I read on this thread and various threads through this site, I realize why MW get into affairs. And it really all boils down to weakness, in my opinion. They are too weak to confront their H's about what is missing in their marriage, so they go outside of it to find it. I've also come to realize that these MW are extremely selfish. I can certainly attest to this. It was always and ever about her needs. Mine were a distant second. So if things had worked out between us, who wants to be in a relationship where someone else's needs always trump yours? Granted no marriage can be the ideal 50/50, but this type of skew makes any relationship doomed from the onset.

 

I have to really count my blessings. I was talking this over with a close friend, and she told me that, as much as it hurts now...this is the least it could hurt. The longer I stayed in...the worse the hurt could have been. Hell what if she left, we lived together, I uprooted my life, told my family and friends about her, and then she decides to go back. Not out of the realm of possibility...what would be left of me then? I can't even imagine. So as much as it's hard to say, it's for the best that it ended now. Cause let's face facts, the success rate of the happily ever after between the OM and the MW is probably miniscule.

 

With all that said, I'm implementing no contact. It's been almost two weeks since my last email to her. Where I basically told her that I know she's working it out with her husband, as it's the only logical explanation for her recent behavior. I also told her that this was goodbye, and made no illusions to any future between us. The one problem remains. How do I truly implement no contact if we work together? I bumped into her yesterday with another co-worker. I really didn't look in her direction, and she didn't add much to the conversation. She looked miserable...but if I engage in a conversation with her with other work people does that not kill the NC? Anyone gone NC with someone they are forced to see on a regular basis have any advice? Thanks

[CarrieT]

so the more I read on this thread and various threads through this site, I realize why MW get into affairs. And it really all boils down to weakness, in my opinion. They are too weak to confront their H's about what is missing in their marriage, so they go outside of it to find it. I've also come to realize that these MW are extremely selfish. I can certainly attest to this. It was always and ever about her needs. Mine were a distant second. So if things had worked out between us, who wants to be in a relationship where someone else's needs always trump yours?

 

An important note: It is not just Women who engage in affairs and what you are witnessing by your MW appears in Men who have affairs as well. One who cheats on a spouse ARE too weak to confront their spouse about what is missing in their marriage - be they Wife or Husband. Yes, they are always selfish and it is always about their needs and desires. But if you read through enough of the infidelity threads on this site, you will see just as many posts by women who are waiting for their MM to come clean, tell their wives, and end their marriages.

 

The actions you are describing are not limited to only MW and the OM or OW is always the loser when the affair ends.

[So Very Confused]

so the more I read on this thread and various threads through this site, I realize why MW get into affairs. And it really all boils down to weakness, in my opinion. They are too weak to confront their H's about what is missing in their marriage, so they go outside of it to find it. I've also come to realize that these MW are extremely selfish. I can certainly attest to this. It was always and ever about her needs. Mine were a distant second. So if things had worked out between us, who wants to be in a relationship where someone else's needs always trump yours? Granted no marriage can be the ideal 50/50, but this type of skew makes any relationship doomed from the onset.

From what I can tell, that's true of anyone, regardless of gender, having an affair. I don't think having an affair is about what's missing from the marriage so much as what's missing from the person having the affair. The affair fills a void in that person.

 

I have to really count my blessings. I was talking this over with a close friend, and she told me that, as much as it hurts now...this is the least it could hurt. The longer I stayed in...the worse the hurt could have been. Hell what if she left, we lived together, I uprooted my life, told my family and friends about her, and then she decides to go back. Not out of the realm of possibility...what would be left of me then? I can't even imagine. So as much as it's hard to say, it's for the best that it ended now. Cause let's face facts, the success rate of the happily ever after between the OM and the MW is probably miniscule.

 

With all that said, I'm implementing no contact. It's been almost two weeks since my last email to her. Where I basically told her that I know she's working it out with her husband, as it's the only logical explanation for her recent behavior. I also told her that this was goodbye, and made no illusions to any future between us. The one problem remains. How do I truly implement no contact if we work together? I bumped into her yesterday with another co-worker. I really didn't look in her direction, and she didn't add much to the conversation. She looked miserable...but if I engage in a conversation with her with other work people does that not kill the NC? Anyone gone NC with someone they are forced to see on a regular basis have any advice? Thanks

 

I haven't had an affair with a co-worker but I have had a failed relationship with a co-worker. When you bump into them, you treat them just as you would any other co-worker. You do your business and get away. Keep the company's best interest as the focus and set your personal feelings aside. If she's miserable, that's her problem. If you engage her in a conversation that is necessary for your job, that's not killing NC, that's just doing your job. Only you know the difference between what's necessary and what's BS but you're a big boy and you'll know the difference.

 

Also, there's no way to know why she suddenly dropped you. If I had to guess, I'd say part of the commitment she made to her husband was to stop communicating with you. Stop trying to figure out why and focus your attention on how to get over it.

[So Very Confused]

Be willing to even break the "no-fake-tits" rule for this....

She didn't care how she hurt you, so go for the jugular, make sure that she's hot enough for her husband to get a good eyeful as well...

 

I hope you've learned your lesson... NEVER, NEVER, NEVER let a woman get the upper hand final say or control in your relationship, EVER.

Her husband is calling the shots now and she's falling into line, women always respect power. The last woman who should have controlled you was your mama.

 

I thought I was falling in love with you but then you had to go and say this! LOL

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow, that is a pretty messed line. I think the kind of women that respect that kind of power are pretty messed up.

[Crabbies]

You know best, judge her then, you know best mom...

I know, saaaaay, why not have an argument about this now?

How very out of character that would be...

[dreamingoftigers]

You know best, judge her then, you know best mom...

I know, saaaaay, why not have an argument about this now?

How very out of character that would be...

 

I honestly have no idea what the first sentence is supposed to mean.

 

You seemed pretty nice and fun in the other threads.

[confused_88]

so after almost 2 weeks of NC...she finally emailed me today. It was short, and basically said that the thing that hurts her the most is the end of our friendship. WTF? Seriously? Can she be this aloof and not realize she caused the end of it? Plus I don't know how you go from confessing you're undying love to someone, saying they are the man of your dreams, and they are a love that you never knew existed....to. I miss our friendship. Someone please explain THIS

[East7]

so after almost 2 weeks of NC...she finally emailed me today. It was short, and basically said that the thing that hurts her the most is the end of our friendship. WTF? Seriously? Can she be this aloof and not realize she caused the end of it? Plus I don't know how you go from confessing you're undying love to someone, saying they are the man of your dreams, and they are a love that you never knew existed....to. I miss our friendship. Someone please explain THIS

 

 

They ALL say this ! My xMW said that too..."sad for the friendship" or "we can be friends"

 

Actually the "friendship" line is to say "I feel bad for dumping you". She knows very well where you both were standing, she knows it was not friendship.

 

Ignore her! Don't enter in the game, she is in the withdrawal process (still addicted to the A) and she may want to resume the A at some point in the future when the dust settles.

 

My xMW confessed, ended the A and she did came back lying to her H all over again !

[Circular]

so after almost 2 weeks of NC...she finally emailed me today. It was short, and basically said that the thing that hurts her the most is the end of our friendship. WTF? Seriously? Can she be this aloof and not realize she caused the end of it? Plus I don't know how you go from confessing you're undying love to someone, saying they are the man of your dreams, and they are a love that you never knew existed....to. I miss our friendship. Someone please explain THIS

 

As East says, just ignore it. The whole 'friendship' thing is a smokescreen, it's a form of devaluing what was. I think what people really mean when they say it is that "I miss how we were close" - but that sounds too loaded and attached. I miss my xMW's friendship as well but I know at the same time when I say that I'm really saying "I miss how close we were, how we could talk abut anything, how we laughed and joked, etc.." honestly when I think about it, that's not friendship, that's an EA. My xMW did that to me after we parted ways, we even went to lunch two times but it was all vacuous. Nothing more confusing then two people pretending to be friends when they're not.

 

You have to look at the disrespect she's pushing your way; she's devaluing what you meant, what it was about, acting indifferent and dismissing the impact on you. Why? Because it's not about YOU it's all about her and what she's going through. She's going to pull your strings and have you emotionally all over the map, she's going to be dealing with it similarly but you won't be privy to see any of that, nor should you let her see she's affecting you.

 

Just be ready for a rough ride. But, come here and blow off steam, whatever you do don't try to talk to her about it.

[confused_88]

quick update. Had the first real face to face conversation with her in about 3 weeks during a smoke break this morning. She told me how much she misses my friendship, and was so sorry about the way the last month went (keeping me in the dark). She says that's it is painful for her to have to see me. And she felt like I hated her based on the silence. The silence that SHE CREATED....GOD in heaven...seriously.

 

It sounds like she wants to be friends with me. She also said that she is trying to patch it up with her husband, but he doesn't seem interested. How the **** can she be my friend (after all i am the OM) and try to patch it up with her husband. makes no sense.

[bentnotbroken]

quick update. Had the first real face to face conversation with her in about 3 weeks during a smoke break this morning. She told me how much she misses my friendship, and was so sorry about the way the last month went (keeping me in the dark). She says that's it is painful for her to have to see me. And she felt like I hated her based on the silence. The silence that SHE CREATED....GOD in heaven...seriously.

 

It sounds like she wants to be friends with me. She also said that she is trying to patch it up with her husband, but he doesn't seem interested. How the **** can she be my friend (after all i am the OM) and try to patch it up with her husband. makes no sense.

 

 

Sounds like a smart move on his part. Why be interested in someone who is interested in others. Maybe he will get it and move on to better times.

[Owl]

It sounds like she wants to be friends with me. She also said that she is trying to patch it up with her husband, but he doesn't seem interested. How the **** can she be my friend (after all i am the OM) and try to patch it up with her husband. makes no sense.

 

Tell her that. She needs to hear how stupid that idea truly is.

 

Sometimes that kind of "wake up call" is what's needed to get some reality injected back into the situation.

[Circular]

Hardest thing in these situations at this point is to think rationally. There's a psychological addiction between the two you that's created through bonding. She doesn't want to give that up, neither really do you or you would have avoided her. Thing is it's very hard to get control over the emotions created around the bond. Trust me on that, I learned the hard way.... I'm still coping with it to some extent 16 months later.

 

The term "friends" is meaningless. What she's telling you is she wants to continue the EA under the guise of "friends" as that seems to be the safest avenue and she can then use you as a doormat and tell you to have ZERO expectations, because after all you're "friends". She's going to start flip-flopping but ultimately you'll loose if you stick around because she'll loose all respect for you. Think deeply about the term 'friends', when were you friends? When did it change from friendship to A? So, three weeks later you're now friends? Whenever in you life have you broke up with someone and became 'best friends' 3 weeks later????? That's irrational, it's not real, it's a fabricated friendship it's designed to ween the addiction. It takes YEARS after you break up with someone you were emotionally attached to to become friends, and that's YEARS apart and that's only if both parties want to be friends.

 

Your best bet here is honestly to just walk away, just tell her "I think working it out with your H is the best" and also be honest and say "I dont think we can be friends, not now."

 

BTW I say this as someone who's been through this, the fabricated friendship thing will only prolong the pain of the post-A grief. It's best to cut your losses, if she leaves her H then it's fair game and at that point you'll have to decide if being with her is what you really want.

[East7]

Hardest thing in these situations at this point is to think rationally. There's a psychological addiction between the two you that's created through bonding.

 

The term "friends" is meaningless. What she's telling you is she wants to continue the EA under the guise of "friends" as that seems to be the safest avenue and she can then use you as a doormat and tell you to have ZERO expectations, because after all you're "friends".

 

Excellent post Circular.

 

I have heard this "friends" thing and read it on other posts x1000..It goes always the same way.

 

I would add: it is also a way to ease her guilt for dumping the OM. It is all about her and her feelings.

[Gentlegirl]

quick update. Had the first real face to face conversation with her in about 3 weeks during a smoke break this morning. She told me how much she misses my friendship, and was so sorry about the way the last month went (keeping me in the dark). She says that's it is painful for her to have to see me. And she felt like I hated her based on the silence. The silence that SHE CREATED....GOD in heaven...seriously.

 

It sounds like she wants to be friends with me. She also said that she is trying to patch it up with her husband, but he doesn't seem interested. How the **** can she be my friend (after all i am the OM) and try to patch it up with her husband. makes no sense.

 

Sounds to me like the husband hasn't responded quite the way she expected.

 

Perhaps she's getting a bit bored now and needing a "fix" to feed her ego.

 

Lo and behold, there YOU are!. You are listening to her and talking to her. She might be trying to keep you dangling just in case she needs you down the track.

 

She sounds very insensitive to you and her husband.

 

If she were truly trying to fix things, she wouldn't be talking to you alone.

 

Gentlegirl

[So Very Confused]

Sounds to me like the husband hasn't responded quite the way she expected.

 

Perhaps she's getting a bit bored now and needing a "fix" to feed her ego.

 

Lo and behold, there YOU are!. You are listening to her and talking to her. She might be trying to keep you dangling just in case she needs you down the track.

 

She sounds very insensitive to you and her husband.

 

If she were truly trying to fix things, she wouldn't be talking to you alone.

 

Gentlegirl

 

The way I see it, she's a narcissist. You should read "Why is it always about you?". See if it doesn't describe who you're dealing with.

 

Only a narcissist would be surprised that their spouse would harbor negative feelings after they've had an A. She doesn't seem to understand that her husband isn't displaying disinterest, he's protecting his heart from her. He may even be punishing her or testing her. Her husband should be skeptical that she's really trying to patch it up. She's just taking a breather.

 

I agree with Gentlegirl about you being an ego fix. She's keeping you around for her own agenda and calling you her "friend". Do you really need another "friend?"

[anne1707]

She's keeping her options open because it is either not going so well with her H and she wants a back up plan or she thinks she might be able to smoothe things over enough at home to start it up with you again as her piece of cake (sorry, but that is what it amounts to with the way she is playing this).

 

It is all very much about her. What about you? When do you come first?

[Circular]

BTW, I agree with what most people have put in the last few posts. I do want to say though I don't think she's a cold-calculating-b-tch out to rip your heart out. A lot of these behaviors are sub-conscious and it's just how people are wired, she's defaulting towards self-preservation and denial. Her H's reaction probably really spun her and confused her given the situation and what she thought was 'the right thing to do' so you're now the 'backup plan', you never want to be 'the backup plan' it's like being the 'rebound guy' it's a recipe for failure you're 1000000x wiser to vanish from the situation and remove yourself from the equation; not only do you keep your dignity and self respect but you show you're a man and will do the right thing and show others decisions respect when the cards are down.