Author confused_88 Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 confession time...had a bit of a relapse today. I'm seriously viewing this as a drug addiction now...cause it has all the hallmarks. So we have this chat client at work, similar to AIM. She chatted me during the day, sending me jokes, talking about various incosequential things. Like it was back to normal. Then a few minutes before she left for the day, she asked to meet me outside...I agreed (I know...mistake 1 there). We started talking, and pretty soon we were reminiscing about our time abroad, and the adventures we had. We both started getting misty eyed. She told me that she can only offer me friendship right now, as she is trying to work on her independence, and each day it becomes clearer and clearer that things with her and her H will not work out. So I told her I would be her friend. I re-added her to FB...but she said she could not accept that request right now. I said what kind of friendship is she looking for....as far as I know...friends do things together...they talk, go out for coffee, post on each other's walls. But obviously, none of that is possible. So this is a secretive friendship. My words, not hers. She didn't have much of a response for that. The talk got more heavy about soulmates and all that, and she said to me that she told her therapist that the first time she saw me again she knew she'd fall in love with me all over again. She started to cry, and we bid each other goodbye for the evening. I WANT OUT!!!!! I feel like I took 2 steps forward today, and 100 back. I'm furious at myself. She said she wrote me a letter that she wants to give me over coffee at lunch tomorrow. This is all games. GAMES. We're in our 30's...I thought games were for kids? ha...mistake #2 Link to post Share on other sites
Circular Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 yup... lol... you're learning why I picked the name 'circular' You seriously have to remove yourself from the situation it's going to get really rough. "secret friends" = Emotional Affair. Your going to cycle back and forth, it's a bad roller-coaster that never stops going around. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 She told me that she can only offer me friendship right now, as she is trying to work on her independence, and each day it becomes clearer and clearer that things with her and her H will not work out. evening. This is so cliched. She is pulling you back in as her comfort zone. If what she says above is really happening then tell her that you and she cannot be friends whilst she splits from her husband but once that split has happened you can both talk then and decide whether you want to explore having an open and committed relationship with everybody knowing about you. If what she says is not happening then you need to decide whether you want to spend months/years feeling the way you do now. She's a grown woman. If she really wants to get out of her marriage then all she has to do is walk. Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 confession time...had a bit of a relapse today. I'm seriously viewing this as a drug addiction now...cause it has all the hallmarks. So we have this chat client at work, similar to AIM. She chatted me during the day, sending me jokes, talking about various incosequential things. Like it was back to normal. Then a few minutes before she left for the day, she asked to meet me outside...I agreed (I know...mistake 1 there). We started talking, and pretty soon we were reminiscing about our time abroad, and the adventures we had. We both started getting misty eyed. She told me that she can only offer me friendship right now, as she is trying to work on her independence, and each day it becomes clearer and clearer that things with her and her H will not work out. So I told her I would be her friend. I re-added her to FB...but she said she could not accept that request right now. I said what kind of friendship is she looking for....as far as I know...friends do things together...they talk, go out for coffee, post on each other's walls. But obviously, none of that is possible. So this is a secretive friendship. My words, not hers. She didn't have much of a response for that. The talk got more heavy about soulmates and all that, and she said to me that she told her therapist that the first time she saw me again she knew she'd fall in love with me all over again. She started to cry, and we bid each other goodbye for the evening. I WANT OUT!!!!! I feel like I took 2 steps forward today, and 100 back. I'm furious at myself. She said she wrote me a letter that she wants to give me over coffee at lunch tomorrow. This is all games. GAMES. We're in our 30's...I thought games were for kids? ha...mistake #2 Confused, this is the typical pattern of an unremorseful MW, I have been there and learned it the hard way. 1 - she throws you under the bus and says that she is staying with H 2 - H is furious because either he has discovered or she has confessed. Things get ugly at home. 3 - While getting rejected by H she is still addicted to you and asks your attention and love under the cover of 'friendship' - But her actions/words will be nothing of a friendship, instead it will be the same as a resumed A. 4 - When H will calm down and want to make things work she will change from a lovely MW to a heartless b1tch - She will tell you that you meant nothing to her etc. Clearly she is not remorseful but it doesn't mean she is going to divorce. Her first instinct was to throw *YOU* under the bus not her H; believe me, it speaks volumes ! It means that her H is the first choice and priority, you are only an option to her. Also you will have to learn how her "I love you-s, I miss you-s" are just words. It will make your heart beat faster but it is nothing more than lust. If you want to have the slightest chance to have her divorce her H and be with you, cut her off NOW or she will play you for a fool and loose respect for you because you will be too easy to get and throw away as it pleases her. Either way she may keep you as a lover to an indefinite time until she will be done and tell you (again) that she is staying with hubby. You will waste months or even years and at the end you will be heartbroken. Please cancel that damn lunch/coffee date today or you will jump in the rollercoaster Link to post Share on other sites
Crabbies Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 OP, is she very beautiful? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused_88 Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 OP, is she very beautiful? yes, she is. But as cliche as it sounds, beauty is only skin deep. and the reasons I fell in love with her are because we seem to be the exact same person (all the same interests, likes, dislikes, etc). Stop me if you've heard that a 1,000 times before. It's funny when I read everyone's posts, and talk to people in my life with similar experience, everyone is on the same page. But part of me refuses to believe that everyone operates the same way. Aren't we all individuals? No 2 scenarios can be alike, can they? Or am I just deluding myself? haha Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 OP, is she very beautiful? That Sir, is in the eye of the beholder. Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 (edited) OP, is she very beautiful? how is that relevant to the thread? His MW is cute, my xMW is cute too, so what...? yes, she is. But as cliche as it sounds, beauty is only skin deep. and the reasons I fell in love with her are because we seem to be the exact same person (all the same interests, likes, dislikes, etc). Stop me if you've heard that a 1,000 times before. Most of the A-s are about emotional bond, not physical attraction. it's funny when I read everyone's posts, and talk to people in my life with similar experience, everyone is on the same page. But part of me refuses to believe that everyone operates the same way. Aren't we all individuals? No 2 scenarios can be alike, can they? Or am I just deluding myself? hahaConfused, what you need to understand is that other people have been in your shoes before and in similar circumstances. Affairs follow the same patterns with little nuances that make them look different but they are not that different I have had a lot of wise advice here after the end of the A with my xMW and I thought mine was different, that she really loved me so I allowed her to break NC. It took me months to see her for the person she really is. Look, I know you genuinely love this woman and you want nothing less but being with her and live happily ever after..but she is with another man and playing you both. While you dream about her night and day, she sleeps every night next to her H, prepares his meals, wash his shirts and discuss where to go for Thanksgiving with him. She is living HER reality and you are not part of it. She is your reality, you are only her fantasy - never forget this. Edited August 19, 2011 by East7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused_88 Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 She is your reality, you are only her fantasy - never forget this. wow...that's probably the most sobering thing I've read on here. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 Look, I know you genuinely love this woman and you want nothing less but being with her and live happily ever after..but she is with another man and playing you both. While you dream about her night and day, she sleeps every night next to her H, has sex with him, prepares his meals, wash his shirts and discuss where to go for Thanksgiving with him. She is living HER reality and you are not part of it. Fixed your post. Not trying to be cruel to the OP, but that's most likely the reality of the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused_88 Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 yeah I figured that one out. It seems she wants the physical connection with her H, but the emotion connection with me. Can't play 2 people...you're gonna lose both. and at this point, i'm getting ready to say he can have her. Because what does all this behavior say about the type of person she is and how she responds to crisis and turmoil. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 Around here, we lovingly refer to that as "cake eating". Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 confused_88, You aren't that confused really. In fact, you've figured out alot more than myself early on and for that I am so relieved for you. You haven't had to go and have antidepressants perscribed, hurt so bad you missed work, secluded yourself away from all the people who care for you. This way, you'd be available, just in case she were to call. Contracted an STD, courtesy of her. It happens, it's been written about by other, others on LS. The list goes on and on. Then when you feel so drained, you think about how much time has passed and think, "have I been seeing her this long now?" ...and nothing has changed, but, she said, she'd be filing for a divorce?" ....and she may file for divorce, and you two may hook up... But the fact that , you've both, put the cart before the horse, changes the relationship. It makes, making it a normal relationship, very difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 yeah I figured that one out. It seems she wants the physical connection with her H, but the emotion connection with me. So just think about that: Are you OK with her having sex with her H while telling you how much she loves you ? Can't play 2 people...you're gonna lose both. and at this point, i'm getting ready to say he can have her. Because what does all this behavior say about the type of person she is and how she responds to crisis and turmoil. Don't be so sure...She may be talented to keep you both On one hand she makes her H believe she is working on the M, on the other she keeps you as a "friend" for when she is bored again with hubby. She has done that before, she can do that again. She responded to the crisis by taking 1month to figure out what she wanted to do and the decision was to work on her M. You are already out. All she is doing is to give you some crumbs (lunch/coffee date) so she can have an admirer to feed her ego. She won't have sex with you because she is probably giving it to her H to keep him from divorcing. Women often use sex to keep a man from leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 So just think about that: Are you OK with her having sex with her H while telling you how much she loves you ? ......................... She won't have sex with you because she is probably giving it to her H to keep him from divorcing. Women often use sex to keep a man from leaving. She may also be trying to kid herself (and therefore her husband) that as she is no longer having a PA then it is no longer an affair. It is a way of managing the guilt and keeping the marriage but it is still a lie. If Confused allows this to continue, it will only become physical again in a matter of time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused_88 Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 you right skywriter. Shortly after all the deep love was being confessed, I told her that I wanted a normal relationship. I wanted to do stupid things that people take for granted...like go grocery shopping together, do dumb errands. Basically do things out in public. I think the hardest part in all of this for me has been having to hide the way I feel about her. When you find the love of your life and all you want to do is shout it from the highest mountain, but you can't. And this whole new friendship proposal doesn't seem to bode any different. If we can't be friends on FB...and can't do the things that friends do...than what's the point of that. Seems like hiding a friendship. More of the same. I'm supposed to meet her for lunch in a little over an hour. I'm going to keep that meeting. She's being selfish, and has treated me like a doormat. It stops today. This is going to be epically hard, but I know now is the time. Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 I'm supposed to meet her for lunch in a little over an hour. I'm going to keep that meeting. She's being selfish, and has treated me like a doormat. It stops today. This is going to be epically hard, but I know now is the time. Ok let me suggest you smth : If you want to see her for who she really is, just confront her ! Be confident and ask her questions you never dared to ask like : do you have sex with your H ? Did you ever want to be with me? Are you happy with your H ? What do you really want from me? etc.. Push her really hard. Either she will lie to your face with evasive answers or she will be pi$$ed off and walk Then go NC and ignore her. Link to post Share on other sites
Shalyn Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 The longer you go without talking, the worse it will get. You should find out, and ifyou're not happy with the answer, move on with your life Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused_88 Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 thanks for all the tips...20 minutes from the covo...I'll post back with how it went. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 Push her really hard. Either she will lie to your face with evasive answers or she will be pi$$ed off and walk Never were truer words spoken East 7. I know this first hand, because I was silly enough, to do this, with the MM I was involved with ,.... for too many years! UGH! ....and yes, indeed, I got a devil, of a defensive man! It was pretty bad, I tell you. It was so ugly, I had to get in my car and leave. Your words are nearly prophetic, East 7. Because as you say, follow with, NC. In fact, that was the beginning of , very little contact. It's been very little contact, because our situation means ,that, we only on very few occasions, come in contact. Even then, it's kept extremely brief and little to no contact or conversation. (((hugs))) and best of luck to you, confused_88 Link to post Share on other sites
Crabbies Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 yes, she is. But as cliche as it sounds, beauty is only skin deep. and the reasons I fell in love with her are because we seem to be the exact same person (all the same interests, likes, dislikes, etc). Stop me if you've heard that a 1,000 times before. It's funny when I read everyone's posts, and talk to people in my life with similar experience, everyone is on the same page. But part of me refuses to believe that everyone operates the same way. Aren't we all individuals? No 2 scenarios can be alike, can they? Or am I just deluding myself? haha Beautiful women have a different life experience to others.. Only the most sensitive, altruistic & evolved ones will do anything other than exactly what she pleases... Lifelong habits die hard... Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 * I'm supposed to meet her for lunch in a little over an hour. I'm going to keep that meeting. She's being selfish, and has treated me like a doormat. It stops today. This is going to be epically hard, but I know now is the time. * *Sigh* If only I had been this strong way back when. You are a true inspiration confused_88. Keep up the good work and take your life back! MM/MW's are so clueless about how their actions actually appear to the OW/OM. I'm sure they would find it apalling if the shoe were on the other foot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused_88 Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 well it's done...phew that was hard, albeit not as hard as I had anticipated. In the interests of time, I took her to my house (oh boy I know you think but I wanted to be where *I* was comfrotable...my home base) So we sat on the couch...and I told her how her idea of friendship is anything but. I told her that it sounded like an emotional affair, more hiding, more secrets. and she gave me her standard line that "that's all I'm capable of giving you right now." Wow...guess she was waiting for me to say thanks or something. She quickly digressed to some of the good times we had...and she curled next to me and put her arms around me. We kissed...which I'm glad happened, because I noticed something when we did. Those butterflies that I got everytime she kissed me....gone...I felt next to nothing. So she goes on to say that she is indeed trying to work it out with her H. This is where I laid in. She told me that her H wanted her to have no contact with me. Yet here she is contacting me, etc. So I asked her point blank, how can you work on it with him if you can't honor that request. her response? "I'm my own person." Flabbergasted!! It was then and there that I realized that she is nothing more than a selfish child. So I told her...go work it out with your husband. We have to work together, so I told her I will be work cordial with her. But she has to stop instant messanging me, no more cigarette breaks, no other contact. She broke down, cried, and left. And I really don't feel bad, as harsh as that sounds. Go find another doormat. This one is used up. What's really odd in this entire thing is I feel bad for her H. Poor bastard. He should not walk away, he should run....haha. So NC begins in earnest again. I owe you all a huge debt of gratitude for being my sounding board. Not sure I could've mustered the strength and found the right words if it hadn't been for all of you. Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 Bravo confused. Way to take your life back. Link to post Share on other sites
Crabbies Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 That Sir, is in the eye of the beholder. And he, being the beholder, would be most qualified to answer the question, no? how is that relevant to the thread? His MW is cute, my xMW is cute too, so what...? In my experience, very beautiful women behave differently to cute women.... Link to post Share on other sites
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