Betrayed Spouses on LS

[Under The Radar]

Since posting on the forum I have noticed several betrayed spouses who seem to regularly comment in a sincere and helpful manner to the OM/OW. Rather than attack and dismiss, they often times give insightful and positive advice. I can only imagine how painful it must be for someone who is married to find out their spouse is cheating on them.

 

I was curious why offer advice to the OM/OW if I may ask?

[Under The Radar]

BTW, I'm not trying to open a can of worms, create more hurt, or cause trouble. I know that if my spouse cheated on me I would be very reluctant to offer advice to OM/OW because of how painful the affair would be to me. My question is a genuine one and stems from wanting to better understand your perspective. Thanks ...

[HappyAgain]

As a former BS, I think it has a lot to do with where the BS is in their healing journey. A few years ago, because it was still raw for me, I would have been angry at an OW/OM. Today, I still have no compassion for cheaters, but it saddens me to see both men and women hurt people they once supposedly loved and to see so many OW/OM get hurt by these same people.

[dreamingoftigers]

I guess for me at first I hated them, hated them all and what they were doing and thought "you idiots, chasing after someone who is married is idiotic and painful and mean and, and, and...." I was raised so contrary to that. If I had an attraction to someone that turned out to be married, I felt guilty. I couldn't understand it at all.

 

Since being on Loveshack I can see that so many OW have low self-esteem and a lot of naive ideas (not all). I can see the humanity of people involved with married people now.

 

God that sounds so awful. I hope people read it better then it sounds. It's like saying I just realized that an ethnic minority were people too. Ugh.

[Under The Radar]

I can't speak for who you are directing the question to but I'd still like to say a few things as a xow.

 

I am incredibly grateful for most of the BS's who post here as they have gave me insight and yes understanding and sometimes compassion and yes there have been some who have called me out on some things and sometimes rightfully so.

I think this section of LS is more representative of real life as you have a mix of people and backgrounds and unique history having to do with infidelity.

 

I agree with your comments here 100%

[Under The Radar]

HappyAgain,

 

Thank you for responding to my question. Yes, I to am saddened by the fact that we can hurt those we love or have loved to such a degree.

[Under The Radar]

dreamingoftigers,

 

I can understand your all encompassing initial hatred toward the OW or OM as a BS. I can say I'd have felt the exact same way had I experienced cheating from my SO. BTW, what you said doesn't sound awful - I think I get where you are coming from ...

[Owl]

I'm a former BE who posts advice here from time to time. None of the OW or OK who post here were part of my situation. I have no reason to wish them any ill. The advice I post is usually in the best interests of everyone involved in the situations here on LS. Why not post and try to help other people....regardless of ok/ow/mm/be?

[2sunny]

Since posting on the forum I have noticed several betrayed spouses who seem to regularly comment in a sincere and helpful manner to the OM/OW. Rather than attack and dismiss, they often times give insightful and positive advice. I can only imagine how painful it must be for someone who is married to find out their spouse is cheating on them.

 

I was curious why offer advice to the OM/OW if I may ask?

 

because they are human beings too - in pain usually - settling for a fraction of what they dreamt of as a child, usually.

 

because they, too, deserve to be happy.

[bentnotbroken]

I guess for me at first I hated them, hated them all and what they were doing and thought "you idiots, chasing after someone who is married is idiotic and painful and mean and, and, and...." I was raised so contrary to that. If I had an attraction to someone that turned out to be married, I felt guilty. I couldn't understand it at all.

 

Since being on Loveshack I can see that so many OW have low self-esteem and a lot of naive ideas (not all). I can see the humanity of people involved with married people now.

 

God that sounds so awful. I hope people read it better then it sounds. It's like saying I just realized that an ethnic minority were people too. Ugh.

 

 

Yes, we are. Says the angry black woman:rolleyes:

[dreamingoftigers]

Yay we can hold hands together now, that is if you recognize my humanity under all of my extra weight.

 

With bitterness,

 

Angry Fat Chick

 

"Doing what's easy and not what works since 1982."

[MissBee]

because they are human beings too - in pain usually - settling for a fraction of what they dreamt of as a child, usually.

 

because they, too, deserve to be happy.

 

Love this

 

I am not a BS, but that sums up why I post.

 

It goes without saying that life isn't perfect; I actually hate when people preface some crazy scenario by saying that "life isn't perfect so..." But that remark about what they dream of as a child really struck a chord, as my belief is that while life isn't perfect, we do have the power to attain our highest desires and that is what we should strive for. Many people in life never realize their highest desires through fears that they aren't good enough, it's unrealistic, people like them never get what they want, at least if they aim lower they won't be disappointed, or convince themselves that some so-so situation is actually their greatest wish, and the list goes on. I am not a mother as yet, but when I am, I want my children to know that they deserve THE BEST life has to offer. I also have that desire for people in general to embrace and own their "deservingness" to the point that they only choose scenarios that reflect that and I too am on the journey to be on that level.

[seren]

I have never hated the OW my H had an A with (lot of acronyms there), I hate A's, I hate the destruction they bring to at least one of the triangle and I hate to read of people in pain.

 

In general LS can be a place where people can debate, nicely, the dynamics of A's, it helps to understand them. I came looking for the why's and how can someone enable an A. I placed the blame for the A on my H's shoulders, stumbled onto an exclusively OW site and was torn a strip for saying I didn't blame the OW and didn't understand the vitriol hurled my way.

 

I suppose some people need to blame the OW/OM if they want to believe the WS was lured, I have no such illusions, I hope that I can help a person feeling sad about their situation, irrespective of who they are. Those A's where the WS leaves quickly and a new relationship born, I can congratulate as I know the BS is no longer being gaslighted, the crowing and nasty posts serve no really good purpose, but are understandable in a lashing out way.

 

I have made some lovely friends on this site and am pleased when they have something to celebrate. It also saddens me to read much of the same thing over and over again and to know that somewhere, someone is being hurt. We are all on the planet just once and I hope that everyone can live their lives to the fullest without doing harm to another.

[Snowflower]

Since posting on the forum I have noticed several betrayed spouses who seem to regularly comment in a sincere and helpful manner to the OM/OW. Rather than attack and dismiss, they often times give insightful and positive advice. I can only imagine how painful it must be for someone who is married to find out their spouse is cheating on them.

 

îI was curious why offer advice to the OM/OW if I may ask?

 

I admit, when I first read this OP that I thought that there was some type of stereotypical expectation about BS in mind when this post was written. Even though I know that was probably not the intent at all. You know, the expectation/stereotype that the BS is a bitter, angry person whocan never forget what her H and the OW did to her!

 

Like someone already said, it depends where you, as a BS are in the healing process. I find that the OW/OM forum has a good mix of posters and heartache is heartache no matter how you experience it. Sure, sometimes a post or thread will "get to me" because it strikes a little to close to home but that happens just as often in the "BS" forum:Infidelity.

 

Also, as mentioned above, the OW here is not the OW in my situation. Like many BS, I can differentiate between the two. Just because an OW/OM is here posting doesn't mean that a BS will necessarily take their wrath out on them!

[reboot]

Some people go through life looking for enemies, others for friends. You can usually find either anywhere you look.

[silktricks]

I'm a BS who posts here. When I found LS I was in a lot of pain. Some of the best "help" I received was from OW. Some of it was plenty harsh, some of it was kind. I still come here, though our marriage is recovered, for a number of reasons. I'm a bit addicted to LS and that might be the biggest reason - but also I do want to "give back" by hopefully offering some insight and friendship to other people (by that I mean all other kinds of people, not just OW/OM... ).

 

Pain is pain and pain is awful. If I can help someone in pain, I want to.

[Angelina527]

I have the perspective of being both a fOW and now the BS to my MM, now husband. I do understand how and why affairs can happen, and I know the complete devastation from the BS side.

 

I have read LS for a very long time but did not post because it was too painful. I'm now in a place in my healing process and the recovery of my marriage that I no longer demonize all OW (myself included), so I try to read most posts with an open mind and an open heart.

 

I will say, though, that I will not acknowledge posts where there is BS bashing or OW who refuse to take any responsibility for their part ("I'm not the one cheating", etc.). I own what I did in my affair...I was wrong, plain and simple, so I just can't tolerate excuse making. It takes two in an affair to cause the destruction, and although the spouse deserves most of the blame, the OP also has responsibility.

[Spark1111]

I have the perspective of being both a fOW and now the BS to my MM, now husband. I do understand how and why affairs can happen, and I know the complete devastation from the BS side.

 

I have read LS for a very long time but did not post because it was too painful. I'm now in a place in my healing process and the recovery of my marriage that I no longer demonize all OW (myself included), so I try to read most posts with an open mind and an open heart.

 

I will say, though, that I will not acknowledge posts where there is BS bashing or OW who refuse to take any responsibility for their part ("I'm not the one cheating", etc.). I own what I did in my affair...I was wrong, plain and simple, so I just can't tolerate excuse making. It takes two in an affair to cause the destruction, and although the spouse deserves most of the blame, the OP also has responsibility.

 

Thanks for this Angelina! As a fBS, I appreciate your ownership of an affair's destruction to all parties.

 

It's refreshing since the fOW in my sitch absolutely hates me. Go figure.

[Spark1111]

I'm a BS who posts here. When I found LS I was in a lot of pain. Some of the best "help" I received was from OW. Some of it was plenty harsh, some of it was kind. I still come here, though our marriage is recovered, for a number of reasons. I'm a bit addicted to LS and that might be the biggest reason - but also I do want to "give back" by hopefully offering some insight and friendship to other people (by that I mean all other kinds of people, not just OW/OM... ).

 

Pain is pain and pain is awful. If I can help someone in pain, I want to.

 

I agree with every sentiment expressed by Silk!

 

I was in so much pain when I found LS that I read for months before I joined.

 

I was so curious as to the mindset of OW/OM. Call me naive, but I could not fathom why someone would get involved with a married partner.

 

Maybe I wanted to be a hater? But the pain I saw on this forum opened my eyes to what it was truly like to be an OW/OM. It was, and continues to be, often heartbreaking.

[Angelina527]

Thanks for this Angelina! As a fBS, I appreciate your ownership of an affair's destruction to all parties.

 

It's refreshing since the fOW in my sitch absolutely hates me. Go figure.

 

I'm so sorry for that. The OW has ZERO right to hate the wife...not cool! I have compassion for OW who take responsibility, but for those that are not the slightest bit sorry or guilty? Nope. If they have no compassion for the MM's family, they don't deserve compassion.

 

My actions disgust me, and I have to face what I did, especially since I now know the pain of being the BS. I am probably harder on myself than anyone could ever be, but I deserve it.

[Bittersweetie]

I would just like to echo the thanks to the BS who post with insightful and helpful advice. As a fWS, it has really helped me.

[Disillusioned_Wife]

For me it's about having compassion for another human being regardless of who they are or what they are.

 

It's like this for me:

 

I don't tolerate cheating but I accept that people do things that can be mistakes even if they don't want to admit they are mistakes or are not ready to do so.

 

I wasn't always like the above, in fact, my own experience with H having an EA I was extremely the opposite at first. Life is a learning curve, sometimes extreme sometimes not.

[Under The Radar]

I appreciate the time everyone took to answer my original post. It is great to hear so many perspectives from posters with varied backgrounds. I especially admire and value the many betrayed spouses who have shown such empathy for all sides of the equation. The compassionate advice I have seen OW's/ OM's receive is encouraging for growth and understanding. It's definitely helped me to read everyone's viewpoints in my own healing process.

[Memphis Raines]

an awful lot of the "other women/men" on here seem to be people who are going through a very painful time...how can i see a person in pain and not want to help them, even if it's only to say a kind word?

 

i agree that an awful lot are in pain.

 

but most could care less about the pain they are causing someone else in real life.

[Mimolicious]

Because at the end of the day, last I checked I only had beef with one OW. Why should the whole world pay?!

 

Yes, in times where immaturity and pain took over me, I've lashed out in general.

 

If a relative of mine is suffering from an illness, should I not make charitable contributions to any org associated with the cause? If we started being "for" and not "against" each other, maybe better things could come out of what are already broken relationships. Of course, there are a few LS'ers that are just ridiculous with their fairytales. For the most part, everyone here is, has been or will be in some sort of romantic anguish.