Something like progress

[Nohbody]

So. It's been 4 months, give or take since the last relationship I was ended. I've not taken the rejection as well as could be hoped. Initially, I'd thought about checking out a few times - but didn't. Lost 30 pounds in two weeks or so. Didn't sleep, didn't eat. Couldn't stop my racing thoughts - complete emotional regression to a frightened child who was just kicked to the curb.

 

The end of this relationship was the icing on a *****cake that had been piling up for a long while. Mostly due to not dealing with problems I brought back with me from the war. Crazy vet ****, you know. Makes one unsympathetic in the eyes of the general population. Fear and repulsion, say nothing for loathing.

 

I started going to therapy and taking the meds prescribed, and I spent a month out of doors at a survival school. Now, 4 months later I'm doing better. Not perfect, not happy, not content. I'm still sad. I still miss her, I think. I think I still love her, but I've gone well beyond the point of no return. Even if she comes back, she's never coming back, ya dig? Haven't left the house in days. i don't like to go out, but I know I should. I read, or waste my time online. I exercise some, and I watch what I eat and I'm happy with how I look.

 

School starts in a week or so, maybe closer to 2. I'm sick of going to school, but it's a great place to get away from thinking about the past. Some kind of future to focus on. Some kind of plan. I have no friends here, and maybe school will help me rectify that. My family is sick of my sad stories. I don't blame them.

 

I'm not crushed. I am not destroyed. I did have the ***** beaten out of me for a while. I got better. Now the rebuiding is really starting to kick into high gear. So, if you're reading this and you've just had your guts stomped out by somebody you thought you could trust, someone you thought loved you as much as you loved them - here's a progress report to show you what you have to look forward to.

 

Hope you can heal faster than I can, 'cuz I'm all used and tired - and the healing process ain't what it used to be.

[smudge21]

I hear you totally on what you're saying and going through. It feels like it's never going to end. One minute I'm fine, think everything is back to normal, then I'm feeling like s*** again.

 

I think what is so annoying is the amount of time it takes to heal. People believe that it depends on how long you've been with someone, but that has no bearing whatsoever. I think it's how strong that emotional bond was and how bad the break up was. For me, I know we split when there was still so much love between us and so much more to do - I just feel it's not fair and I've been cheated out of something so good, that's what stops me from letting her go completely.

 

I guess it's all a case of we'll heal when we heal, simple as that. You can't force it, it'll just happen when it happens. I can look back at times I've been through similar (about twice) and I can't actually recall healing as such, but I just moved on, met someone else or started doing something with my life that took over and eventually she was no longer on my mind. There was no specific moment of healing, the pain was just gone. The memories are still there, but when I recall them it no longer causes the pain it used to. So I know that one day the same will happen with my current ex. I just wish I knew when that would be...

[giuliano-3]

I think what is so annoying is the amount of time it takes to heal. People believe that it depends on how long you've been with someone, but that has no bearing whatsoever. I think it's how strong that emotional bond was and how bad the break up was. For me, I know we split when there was still so much love between us and so much more to do - I just feel it's not fair and I've been cheated out of something so good, that's what stops me from letting her go completely...

 

Yup, second that one. Very strong emotional bond + very bad breakup = long recovery time. Period. Something dawned on me today, my ex has been with her current LDR/BF for longer than we've been broken up. Which kind of tells me that its been long enough, time to let go completely. And permanently.

 

Nohbody, school should get your mind retrained and also provide the opportunity to meet loads of new people. And I think the general population isn't unsympathetic as much as ignorant about the rigors and hardships of coming home from war. I know many people are apathetic as well, and that must really suck to experience as a vet. A big part of that, I think, is the lack of real knowledge regarding what our troops are going through. Its easy to get caught up in soundbytes or idealistic images, harder to learn about the actual horror involved and what it can do to the brain. I mean, people brought picnic baskets to eat leisurely and watch the first couple battles in the Civil War - most of that food being promptly vomited out once the grisly reality set in. "War is cruelty..." Nuff said.

[Graceful]

She doesn't get you, maybe she never did. Maybe she never saw you reveal your full self. Until the end? Maybe her comfort zone being with someone like you came to an end, she went outside the box of her experience, to love you for a while, but then either decided, or realized, that's all she was capable of. That's right. She wasn't capable of being more of (what you may need) and she bailed. Know what? If it wasn't now, it would have been eventually. She eventually would have reached her limit with a guy like you, and maybe if she'd stuck around longer, who knows, you might have been the one to end it. But that's a moot point.

 

You've been across the globe and packed a lot of living into your young life, and no matter who you are with, you'll always have something inside you that the other person may not fully understand. But the person who will come to you, the person who is right for you, will see you, really see you, and run toward you, not away from you, when you need her the most. It's the toughest blow to show yourself at your most vulnerable, to reveal that depth to another human being, and then, watch them back away. What you thought was your foundation, your support, part of each breath you took every day went "poof" - but not because of what you did or didn't do, please, just know that. It was a matter of it being all - she - could - handle. She revealed herself to you, see her for who she is today, and let her go. I don't see you express any ill feelings toward her - ever - and that's a testament to your character and strength - and yes, devotion.

 

Now it's time to turn your strength of character onto yourself.

 

You may be another "crazy vet" to some, but quite honestly, does that matter to you? You have the respect of the rest of us, and for what it's worth, me, and I'm sure lots of others on LS. So do what you have to do, get back in the groove of living your life. Soon, you'll internalize what you learned in survival school: you can do anything you set your mind to, and hey, just watch out world, 'cause NB is coming atcha, so get ready. Are you listening? Do you hear me, Awesomeness?