Tybalt Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I just got dumped again and it is eerily similar how these events have gone down. In this case and the last, I was actively pursued, they wanted girlfriend/boyfriend status quickly, and about a month and a half later, I get a phone call one evening with almost identical verbage: "You are really great, you didn't do anything wrong... I can't put my finger on it, but I'm just not feeling it." In both cases, it seemed pretty out of the blue. Together and talking about future events, plans, etc, then the next day they don't care and don't want to see me anymore. This never happened to me when I was younger. Paradoxically in my mind, I'm far more stable emotionally than I was years ago when keeping a boyfriend interested was easy. My girlfriends and even male friends can't give me clear feedback as to why they think this is happening, other than a couple of girlfriends who cultivate a "bitchy" attitude toward men. They seem to think I might have been "too nice" and not enough of a "challenge." Since I know what I want, I do tend to be less wishy washy about my feelings and intentions. I do notice that when I'm not sure if I want to become exclusive and hold back emotionally, guys seem a lot more interested. I'd like to figure this out as obviously this turn of events is always unpleasant and I wonder if there is a pattern forming here. Do guys respond to aloofness, even after exclusivity is established? Does a touch of drama keep them interested? Does healthy stability and emotional independence count for anything? The two guys were quite different. One was 6 years younger, a young aspiring professional, and the other 6 years older and a single dad, more established. The fact that both dumped me via a phone call makes me wonder if there was much level of respect there... Though in both cases they were apologetic and expressed that maybe they were making a mistake. It was as though they really wanted to like me, but just didn't feel that elusive spark anymore. What is weird is that this last guy and I had crazy chemistry. We could barely keep our hands off each other whenever we were together. I just don't get it.
Asics Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 (edited) I don't really know what to tell you in regard to your general problem of keeping men, but I can comment on this particular thing: Do guys respond to aloofness, even after exclusivity is established? Does a touch of drama keep them interested? Does healthy stability and emotional independence count for anything? A little bit of drama in a relationship may be okay (depending on the guy), but DO NOT overdo it and become a drama queen. If you set out to deliberately create drama where it isn't needed because you think it will "keep him interested", it may well backfire and he'll think you're a nutter (emotionally unstable) and see it as a red flag. You and the guy you're with will probably experience enough genuine drama if you're having an honest relationship, without deliberately creating extra drama. For me personally, drama queens are a turn off. I equate needless drama in a relationship with low-quality women. Alot of guys won't see you as a long term prospect if you show signs of being a drama queen, and if you give them too much drama they are eventually going to get sick of your shyt and dump you or withdraw emotionally and the relationship will capitulate. Also, I wouldn't be too 'aloof' once you're in an established relationship with a guy, as he may think you're losing interest, or that you're getting something on the side. Don't be overly keen either; you have to at least let the guy do some chasing in the early phase of a relationship. I suggest you learn how to be yourself and have an authentic relationship, and stop trying to be this or that. Edited August 16, 2011 by Asics
Nexus One Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 (edited) - Aloofness in a relationship makes it look like she's not reciprocating. I would ask myself and her what's going on, if not perhaps consider breaking up due to "not feeling it" from her side, because who wants to be in an asymmetric relationship? - Unnecessary/unwarranted drama just makes me want to leave. I simply just want to be happy and carefree together and drama accomplishes the opposite. - Injecting aloofness and drama into a relationship in the attempt to keep the other person interested is game playing in my opinion. You'd probably lose such games against people who don't bluff themselves. Edited August 16, 2011 by Nexus One
Professor X Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 For me, the girl has got to have a touch of craziness in her, or rather say, passion which can make her a bit crazy (like horses, shoes, or love for history). It only shows to me that she's somewhat alive rather than a robot with no emotions (aka "stable"). But that's just me.
A O Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Do guys respond to aloofness, even after exclusivity is established? Does a touch of drama keep them interested? Yeah, this will keep the drama kings and white knights interested for sure. If you want instability, if you want poor communication, if you want to ride a roller-coaster of emotions - then this behavior will get you exactly what you want. There's plenty of people who just love this sought of stuff. Having said that and given the length of these relationships, I'd doubt if these characteristics were at the heart of their reasons for dumping you. Either they got what they really wanted from you - just sex, or could see that they weren't going to get it soon enough for them or simply found it elsewhere. .
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I just got dumped again and it is eerily similar how these events have gone down. In this case and the last, I was actively pursued, they wanted girlfriend/boyfriend status quickly, and about a month and a half later, I get a phone call one evening with almost identical verbage: "You are really great, you didn't do anything wrong... I can't put my finger on it, but I'm just not feeling it." In both cases, it seemed pretty out of the blue. Together and talking about future events, plans, etc, then the next day they don't care and don't want to see me anymore. This never happened to me when I was younger. Paradoxically in my mind, I'm far more stable emotionally than I was years ago when keeping a boyfriend interested was easy. My girlfriends and even male friends can't give me clear feedback as to why they think this is happening, other than a couple of girlfriends who cultivate a "bitchy" attitude toward men. They seem to think I might have been "too nice" and not enough of a "challenge." Since I know what I want, I do tend to be less wishy washy about my feelings and intentions. I do notice that when I'm not sure if I want to become exclusive and hold back emotionally, guys seem a lot more interested. I'd like to figure this out as obviously this turn of events is always unpleasant and I wonder if there is a pattern forming here. Do guys respond to aloofness, even after exclusivity is established? Does a touch of drama keep them interested? Does healthy stability and emotional independence count for anything? The two guys were quite different. One was 6 years younger, a young aspiring professional, and the other 6 years older and a single dad, more established. The fact that both dumped me via a phone call makes me wonder if there was much level of respect there... Though in both cases they were apologetic and expressed that maybe they were making a mistake. It was as though they really wanted to like me, but just didn't feel that elusive spark anymore. What is weird is that this last guy and I had crazy chemistry. We could barely keep our hands off each other whenever we were together. I just don't get it. You date men who push for boyfriend/girlfriend status 'early'. Easy in, easy out... is my observation of people who hook up quickly. It is probably nothing you are doing besides letting them get the good too quickly. Take a bit more time. Doesn't even have to do with being 'exclusive' or not. Nothing less than a month before becoming intimate... 2-3 months would be better.
phineas Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 We really need the one important detail. Sex. Did it happen? Also, the ages of you & these men.
rafallus Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Do guys respond to aloofness, even after exclusivity is established? Me not well. Have your own life, sure, but if someone does something nice for you, you better appreciate it, otherwise other person will eventually feel tired and withdraw too. Does a touch of drama keep them interested? I hate drama and females sparking one are the ones I end up eventually avoiding altogether. I prefer stable, who knows, how to have occasional fun. There is however a difference between "having fun" and "sparking drama".
zengirl Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I just got dumped again and it is eerily similar how these events have gone down. In this case and the last, I was actively pursued, they wanted girlfriend/boyfriend status quickly, and about a month and a half later, I get a phone call one evening with almost identical verbage: "You are really great, you didn't do anything wrong... I can't put my finger on it, but I'm just not feeling it." In both cases, it seemed pretty out of the blue. Together and talking about future events, plans, etc, then the next day they don't care and don't want to see me anymore. This never happened to me when I was younger. Probably a case of picking the wrong men. These may be men who require the rubberband effect (which requires you to either be unstable or willfully manipulative), but men like that will never make good LT partners. You can keep them around longer with certain things, but why? Paradoxically in my mind, I'm far more stable emotionally than I was years ago when keeping a boyfriend interested was easy. My girlfriends and even male friends can't give me clear feedback as to why they think this is happening, other than a couple of girlfriends who cultivate a "bitchy" attitude toward men. They seem to think I might have been "too nice" and not enough of a "challenge." Can girls be too nice? Well, sure, if you're crawling all over yourself to wash up his laundry or something. . . anyone doormatty is unattractive to either version of the opposite sex. And some guys and gals prefer their bitches and jerks, but those are the wrong people to date IMO. Most people prefer someone who is assertive---not bitchy, not aloof, not a doormat, just someone who is her own person but can also be a good potential partner. I do think men want a certain kind of challenge (so do women) but not the game-playing kind. They want a woman who is not immediately "theirs" 100%, by which I don't mean withholding or aloofness or dating around, but just that they want someone who they have to get to know, win over, and truly impress before she says, "You're super important to me." As relationships grow, the person should become important over time. A month and a half later. . . well, you shouldn't even be 100% invested yet. You're still getting to know the guy. This does NOT mean be bitchy, be aloof, play games, etc. It means realizing that your life and you are awesome and that shifting things around in it for a partner is totally okay, over TIME, but not immediately. A guy has to be continually awesome and stick around in order to gain priority. Don't give priority away too quickly. That doesn't mean to not return phone calls promptly or to disrespect the person by ditching out on plans or doing anything flaky. It just means that you keep your life in balance, and simply add the person in slowly. When you're excited to see him, still be excited, but keep the other stuff in your life going and keep it a priority for awhile before you let him climb up those rungs. Since I know what I want, I do tend to be less wishy washy about my feelings and intentions. I do notice that when I'm not sure if I want to become exclusive and hold back emotionally, guys seem a lot more interested. I'd like to figure this out as obviously this turn of events is always unpleasant and I wonder if there is a pattern forming here. I don't think you should be wishy washy, but how can you know how you feel about someone super surely within a month and a half relationship? You can certainly share what you feel, but perhaps you should look to your people picker and feelings to see where they're really coming from. If you are actively seeking a relationship, I think that's fine, but if you're feeling like you need a relationship, I'd pull back and work on other things. There's a fine line between being open and ready and being needy sometimes. I can't say where you fall. Personally, I think aloofness and drama only hook the wrong guys. But being assertive and your own person are keys. So many people vacillate between the two extremes of unavailable and "I'm here for the taking!" and really, it's way more attractive if you're sort of "I'm open and available, but I do have **** going on because I'm awesome and wasn't just sitting around waiting for you to come along; I actually was doing stuff with my life." What happens to a lot of so-called "nice" girls is that they easily and early lose themselves into a new relationship. That's a no-no, but the solution isn't to be aloof or create drama.
Casablanca Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I just got dumped again and it is eerily similar how these events have gone down. In this case and the last, I was actively pursued, they wanted girlfriend/boyfriend status quickly, and about a month and a half later, I get a phone call one evening with almost identical verbage: This is when a lot of new relationships end...it is when the honeymoon/butterflies/get to know you phase can start to wear off and one person realizes they arent attracted to the other one Sorry for you luck, but it happens to all of us
Author Tybalt Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 Many of these responses are very thought provoking, thanks. I do see that in both these cases, the guys seem to have a greater tendency to have intense, short term relationships in their history so the "in quick, out quick" theory I'm sure has merit. Although, if this last guy told me the truth, it had been over a year since any real dating activity for him. I suppose since I'm not really that way, I don't understand being relatively intense and interested in someone and then turning on a dime and not wanting anything to do with them. But perhaps that is a gender thing to an extent, particularly if physical intimacy is involved. Women are felled by that silly oxytocin thing a lot faster than men. I think being yourself is really important and I know it is pointless to do otherwise if you want the real deal long term. However, I can take a little more time and hold back to weed out the "honeymooners" who perhaps tend toward that serial high of a new relationship. I'm in my mid thirties, and have not been in a serious relationship lasting any significant length of time for about three years (I did date one guy for a few months last year, but he picked someone else and dumped me also). I was in an emotionally abusive marriage before all that, so it has taken me awhile to allow myself to be vulnerable again. That probably makes this rejection a little more amplified for me emotionally. It's funny being in this place and feeling "new" at dating again. When I think about it, counting my marriage I have not been in a healthy, long term type relationship for over ten years. Guess I really am a newbie in some ways.
bluenightowl Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 For me, the girl has got to have a touch of craziness in her, or rather say, passion which can make her a bit crazy (like horses, shoes, or love for history). It only shows to me that she's somewhat alive rather than a robot with no emotions (aka "stable"). But that's just me. I agree with that. I find slightly crazy woman are very exciting at first. But everything I've seen has shown me that one is better off with a more stable woman in the longer term. Too much drama can be exhausting.
Casablanca Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 For me, the girl has got to have a touch of craziness in her, or rather say, passion which can make her a bit crazy (like horses, shoes, or love for history). It only shows to me that she's somewhat alive rather than a robot with no emotions (aka "stable"). But that's just me. I agree with this too...I like to have someone I can butt heads with a little bit
zengirl Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 For me, the girl has got to have a touch of craziness in her, or rather say, passion which can make her a bit crazy (like horses, shoes, or love for history). It only shows to me that she's somewhat alive rather than a robot with no emotions (aka "stable"). But that's just me. Being passionate about things and emotionally stable are totally traits that can co-exist. The kind of "crazy" you describe sounds lovely to me, in men or women, because anyone who lacks passions and strong interests is kind of . . . boring. But I don't think being crazy about your love for history in any way hinders your emotional stability.
Pierre Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I just got dumped again and it is eerily similar how these events have gone down. In this case and the last, I was actively pursued, they wanted girlfriend/boyfriend status quickly, and about a month and a half later, I get a phone call one evening with almost identical verbage: "You are really great, you didn't do anything wrong... I can't put my finger on it, but I'm just not feeling it." In both cases, it seemed pretty out of the blue. Together and talking about future events, plans, etc, then the next day they don't care and don't want to see me anymore. This never happened to me when I was younger. Paradoxically in my mind, I'm far more stable emotionally than I was years ago when keeping a boyfriend interested was easy. My girlfriends and even male friends can't give me clear feedback as to why they think this is happening, other than a couple of girlfriends who cultivate a "bitchy" attitude toward men. They seem to think I might have been "too nice" and not enough of a "challenge." Since I know what I want, I do tend to be less wishy washy about my feelings and intentions. I do notice that when I'm not sure if I want to become exclusive and hold back emotionally, guys seem a lot more interested. I'd like to figure this out as obviously this turn of events is always unpleasant and I wonder if there is a pattern forming here. Do guys respond to aloofness, even after exclusivity is established? Does a touch of drama keep them interested? Does healthy stability and emotional independence count for anything? The two guys were quite different. One was 6 years younger, a young aspiring professional, and the other 6 years older and a single dad, more established. The fact that both dumped me via a phone call makes me wonder if there was much level of respect there... Though in both cases they were apologetic and expressed that maybe they were making a mistake. It was as though they really wanted to like me, but just didn't feel that elusive spark anymore. What is weird is that this last guy and I had crazy chemistry. We could barely keep our hands off each other whenever we were together. I just don't get it. This is known as the too much too soon syndrome which often ends in rapid dissolution. You have to take it real slow and date different men. The modern dating culture is exactly what you have described. You need to find an old fashion guy.
Ross MwcFan Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I like stable for most of the time, but I like them to also have a dramtic side to their personalities which surfaces from time to time.
BetheButterfly Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I just got dumped again and it is eerily similar how these events have gone down. In this case and the last, I was actively pursued, they wanted girlfriend/boyfriend status quickly, and about a month and a half later, I get a phone call one evening with almost identical verbage: "You are really great, you didn't do anything wrong... I can't put my finger on it, but I'm just not feeling it." In both cases, it seemed pretty out of the blue. Together and talking about future events, plans, etc, then the next day they don't care and don't want to see me anymore. This never happened to me when I was younger. I know it hurts... this has happened to me before, but you know what? Looking back, I am so happy it didn't work out!!!! Now I know why, because they were not the "One" for me. All the guys in my past can't hold a candle to my fiance. I am glad it didn't work out with anyone from my past. Paradoxically in my mind, I'm far more stable emotionally than I was years ago when keeping a boyfriend interested was easy. My girlfriends and even male friends can't give me clear feedback as to why they think this is happening, other than a couple of girlfriends who cultivate a "bitchy" attitude toward men. They seem to think I might have been "too nice" and not enough of a "challenge." Sometimes I think people associate "too nice" with fakeness. I'm not saying you're fake no. I am "too nice" sometimes, but once I let my guard down and started expressing to my then boyfriend, now fiance, certain quirks that aren't nice nice, he actually really liked that. He would joke before that I was "Amish" until he started seeing the selfish side of me. He likes both sides. So, I think guys just want their girls to be real, you know? Not "too nice" as in trying to always be perfect all the time. Since I know what I want, I do tend to be less wishy washy about my feelings and intentions. I do notice that when I'm not sure if I want to become exclusive and hold back emotionally, guys seem a lot more interested. I'd like to figure this out as obviously this turn of events is always unpleasant and I wonder if there is a pattern forming here. Many guys like to chase, especially in the early stages of the relationship. Do guys respond to aloofness, even after exclusivity is established? Does a touch of drama keep them interested? Does healthy stability and emotional independence count for anything? The two guys were quite different. One was 6 years younger, a young aspiring professional, and the other 6 years older and a single dad, more established. The fact that both dumped me via a phone call makes me wonder if there was much level of respect there... Though in both cases they were apologetic and expressed that maybe they were making a mistake. It was as though they really wanted to like me, but just didn't feel that elusive spark anymore. What is weird is that this last guy and I had crazy chemistry. We could barely keep our hands off each other whenever we were together. I just don't get it. I know it hurts. I'm sorry. I just think they're not the "right one." Once you have an amazing relationship with a man who does "feel it", you'll be happy the men in your past didn't!
Author Tybalt Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 Well, I do have a degree in theater, so I have some dramatic tendencies in there somewhere. I just prefer to keep most of it onstage. I definitely agree I prefer an old fashioned guy. That style I comprehend.
grkBoy Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Tybalt, stay stable. If your avatar is the actual picture of you, then the right guy will come calling. The guys who reject you because you're level-headed are the ones who want drama. You don't want those guys. This is the same advice when I see "decent men" who get rejected by girls who want bad boys and jerks. Just hang in there and be your best self. It's a shame too many males are still boys and can't seem to think beyond the moment. Just hold tight, try other social avenues maybe, and a MAN will find you.
Feelsgoodman Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I just got dumped again and it is eerily similar how these events have gone down. In this case and the last, I was actively pursued, they wanted girlfriend/boyfriend status quickly... If a guy pursues you heavily, it's a red flag. I know your ego tells you that you are being pursued because you are an amazing person and/or the guy is "smitten", but in reality, that's rarely the case. Guys who pursue heavily are either players or emotionally unstable (or both). With guys like that, a bit of drama can help initially, but ultimately, it will just prolong he inevitable (you getting dumped). Such guys are not really interested in a long-term relationship. Rather, they are interested in the emotional rush you get in the early stages of dating someone new. Drama and aloofness will not score you any points with a guy who is normal and emotionally balanced. However, a guy like that would not pursue you heavily either. You'd have to put in equal effort to get in a relationship with him.
zengirl Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 If a guy pursues you heavily, it's a red flag. I know your ego tells you that you are being pursued because you are an amazing person and/or the guy is "smitten", but in reality, that's rarely the case. Guys who pursue heavily are either players or emotionally unstable (or both). With guys like that, a bit of drama can help initially, but ultimately, it will just prolong he inevitable (you getting dumped). Such guys are not really interested in a long-term relationship. Rather, they are interested in the emotional rush you get in the early stages of dating someone new. Drama and aloofness will not score you any points with a guy who is normal and emotionally balanced. However, a guy like that would not pursue you heavily either. You'd have to put in equal effort to get in a relationship with him. I think this is somewhat true. However, I do think investing somewhat early (investing to a degree) is not always bad. I have found that the guys who are actually really into ME. . . there's usually a moment from where the energy turns from, "Okay, let's try this out" to "THIS GIRL is awesome!" and you can almost sort of feel it. It's hard to explain, but you can tell when that thing tips with the guys who are really after you for you and into a relationship with you and not just for that rush. Whereas a guy who'd jump into anything, there's no tipping point. He's just "on" from very early in the dynamic. (I'm not saying the other guys are total slouches in the beginning; they're definitely still putting a good foot forward, but it's much more subdued.)
Author Tybalt Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 This is all very helpful. Yes, that is really me in the avatar, and I appreciate the positive comments. I admit I feel a little sheepish about being my age and having past experience, yet admitting I am a little clueless after so much time out of the dating/relationship game. There is definitely something to the idea that guys that come on very strong and fast can be in to that 'rush' and thus practice frequent, serial monogamy to keep the highs coming. Also, with this last guy especially, his history had a bit of chaos and drama in it, so I wondered if he equates that with passion and emotion. It is too bad because I definitely thought we had it in the healthy sense.
zengirl Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 The only meaningful way to learn from a failed (or current) relationship is the only meaningful way to learn from all things -- to determine the moments in which one could have had a sharper moral and ethical compass. Learn not what you could have done to better pacify Guy X, to hopefully better pacify or Guy Z; rather, learn what you could have done to better pacify your own desires. I like it. And what an example! Geez. But I get what you mean.
mo mo Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I'm only speaking for myself, but girls with aloof or dramatic personalities are a huge turn off for me. Heck, this girl I had been talking to started going aloof on me and I kicked her to the curb last week. I have no time for that nonsense. That said, I do like a bit of a challenge with a woman. If she is witty and is good at figuring out where conversations are going (and getting to my point before I do) it's a HUGE turn on. Girls like this always keep me on my toes and I love pursuing them.
dispatch3d Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Many of these responses are very thought provoking, thanks. I do see that in both these cases, the guys seem to have a greater tendency to have intense, short term relationships in their history so the "in quick, out quick" theory I'm sure has merit. Although, if this last guy told me the truth, it had been over a year since any real dating activity for him. I suppose since I'm not really that way, I don't understand being relatively intense and interested in someone and then turning on a dime and not wanting anything to do with them. But perhaps that is a gender thing to an extent, particularly if physical intimacy is involved. Women are felled by that silly oxytocin thing a lot faster than men. I think being yourself is really important and I know it is pointless to do otherwise if you want the real deal long term. However, I can take a little more time and hold back to weed out the "honeymooners" who perhaps tend toward that serial high of a new relationship. I'm in my mid thirties, and have not been in a serious relationship lasting any significant length of time for about three years (I did date one guy for a few months last year, but he picked someone else and dumped me also). I was in an emotionally abusive marriage before all that, so it has taken me awhile to allow myself to be vulnerable again. That probably makes this rejection a little more amplified for me emotionally. It's funny being in this place and feeling "new" at dating again. When I think about it, counting my marriage I have not been in a healthy, long term type relationship for over ten years. Guess I really am a newbie in some ways. If it's a 10 year problem then you are probably the issue. Look for common complaints you get from all guys, that's probably what you're doing wrong. Nothing in your posts give any indication of an issue. Pretty hard to just jump to some issue that isn't presented.
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