LavenderWhisper Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 (edited) I had a sexual relationship with a man about 9 years ago. We had went to high school together and hadn't seen each other in years. Long story short..we e-mailed each other for 2 years before it happened. Now I am married to a very loving man who knows what happened before I met him. I wanted to come into this relationship with a clean conscience. I have changed so much and the guilt is eating me up inside because his wife doesn't know. I think she has the right to know what happened between us. She is married to a man who is a liar and a cheat. Someone who is hiding his true identity. Even though this much time has passed he called me on the phone just last year and told me he wished that I was with him. I told him he blew it because I am married to a wonderful man now. So that tells me that he still thinks about me (and other woman I'm sure) We were friends on facebook till 2 days ago but I never spoke a word to him..so he is very uneasy I'm sure and worried that she is going to find out. Any suggestions... I need someone to talk to about this Edited August 16, 2011 by LavenderWhisper Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Do you know his wife? I understand that if you do know her it would make you feel even more compelled to tell her. I am always of two minds about the telling; in some cases I feel like it's a good thing and in some cases I feel it is best to leave it alone and trust that the truth will make itself apparent without you being the one to reveal it. Are you willing to go through any potential drama/back and forth between you and her or you and him or all 3 of you if you tell? If I've moved on, that is one deterrent for me, where I feel like I have no interest in opening the doors for drama between me and these people. But if the guilt is weighing on you daily, then the potential drama is probably worth it, as keeping the secret is obviously bothering you. Does your husband know about the former affair? Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Tell the wife. She deserves to know the truth. Send her an anonymous letter, or call her with a blocked number. Give some details so she will know you are not a prank caller. The WS obviously is still up to no good if he called you last year. She deserves to know, and he deserves to be outed. Link to post Share on other sites
Heart On Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 After 9 years of keeping his lies a secret for/with him, you aren't really in a position to out him anymore. You are an accompliss in this anyways so really you will be outting yourself and dealing with the backlash when he ultimately blames you for all to protect himself and he will undoubtedly lie and manipulate her thinking to preserve his image in her eyes. Are you ready for that? Of course wives have a right to know,but when thier betrayers choose to keep them in the dark and we out ourselves in our own lives,I think all we can do is let them live thier lies. The onus is on him to come clean to his own wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Tell the wife. She deserves to know the truth. Send her an anonymous letter, or call her with a blocked number. Give some details so she will know you are not a prank caller. The WS obviously is still up to no good if he called you last year. She deserves to know, and he deserves to be outed. Somehow and somedays I agree with this. The W DOES have a right to know. She is living with a liar and a cheat. I was in an A for 7 years...(yeah I know) and I always pushed him to stop with me and go to MC to save his M. He was never getting a divorce so why not give your M a shot? There a times that I waiver on sending an anonymous letter....can't call her from a blocked number because he changed his phone service to not receive a blocked number..... MM is a cad and I think the W SHOULD know....(or maybe SHE just doesn't care) Just adding my 2 cents....... Link to post Share on other sites
blissfullyoblivious Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 I know when my fiance is is out or sorts. I cannot imagine a BS not knowing that her husband is "different" during an affair. She did not do anything then why should she now? Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 I know when my fiance is is out or sorts. I cannot imagine a BS not knowing that her husband is "different" during an affair. She did not do anything then why should she now? Ahh but that is where the NPD comes in...OW REALLY HAVE NO idea what he is feeding to the BW....He could be going happily along in his M even though he is having an A....xmm always said he and his W were cordial to one another...CORDIAL....??WTF is that....and he just had a 2-week vacation with her and his kids....BUT HE WAS ON VACATION FOR HIS KIDS....stfu....he is an ass......Sometimes the BS JUST doesn't care as long as she is getting what she wants...... Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 The truth will come out sooner or later.... She deserves to know, but don't expect her to be friendly with you. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 So you want to clear your conscience by blowing up his life - and his wife's life? You did the deed. You live with the results of it. Leave him and his alone to deal with their own results. It was nine years ago. Maybe his wife knows, maybe she doesn't, but don't try to let on that you are coming from anywhere but a place of selfishness. Your response to him when he said he wished he was with you smacks of bitterness, and the fact that you were facebook friends until two days ago.... facebook wasn't around 9 years ago, so whether you "friended" him or him you - you apparently were completely willing to stay in touch. You didn't want to "clear your conscience" before now.... Does the wife have a right to know? Of course she does. You aren't the person to tell her nine years after the fact, though. You say you've changed so much. Show you've changed by not messing in the lives of other people. Link to post Share on other sites
DARK GREEN Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Silktricks is right. If you are feeling guilty then go talk to a counselor; I am guessing you will learn you have other motives for telling her besides guilt. "Right to know" does not equate with "right to tell". Link to post Share on other sites
Under The Radar Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 So you want to clear your conscience by blowing up his life - and his wife's life? You did the deed. You live with the results of it. Leave him and his alone to deal with their own results. It was nine years ago. Maybe his wife knows, maybe she doesn't, but don't try to let on that you are coming from anywhere but a place of selfishness. Your response to him when he said he wished he was with you smacks of bitterness, and the fact that you were facebook friends until two days ago.... facebook wasn't around 9 years ago, so whether you "friended" him or him you - you apparently were completely willing to stay in touch. You didn't want to "clear your conscience" before now.... Does the wife have a right to know? Of course she does. You aren't the person to tell her nine years after the fact, though. You say you've changed so much. Show you've changed by not messing in the lives of other people. This is a great post. For sure, the BS has a right to know, but that information should not come from you. The affair occurred 9 years ago and you have happily married and moved on. I would let it go and put it behind you. Link to post Share on other sites
Angelina527 Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Definitely tell her. Yes, there will be some backlash for you, but that's just one of the consequences of being involved in an affair. I respect you for wanting to tell her for the right reasons...you're wanting to do it for HER and not to hurt the MM. She deserves to know the truth so she can make her own decisions. There are probably other OW, so the wife definitely needs to make sure she is healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 I don't care what reason you use to give you courage, but tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
Angelina527 Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 This is a great post. For sure, the BS has a right to know, but that information should not come from you. The affair occurred 9 years ago and you have happily married and moved on. I would let it go and put it behind you. I disagree...anyone who has knowledge of an affair should let the BS know, if for no other reason than for the wife to protect her health. Link to post Share on other sites
blissfullyoblivious Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Ahh but that is where the NPD comes in...OW REALLY HAVE NO idea what he is feeding to the BW....He could be going happily along in his M even though he is having an A....xmm always said he and his W were cordial to one another...CORDIAL....??WTF is that....and he just had a 2-week vacation with her and his kids....BUT HE WAS ON VACATION FOR HIS KIDS....stfu....he is an ass......Sometimes the BS JUST doesn't care as long as she is getting what she wants...... If the BS has no idea her spouse was actively involved with another woman for 7 years then something is very wrong in that marriage. But it is far worse IMO for the BS to "know" but keep quiet so as not to rock the boat. Only fighting for her man when she feels that she is going to lose what he represents. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Somehow and somedays I agree with this. The W DOES have a right to know. She is living with a liar and a cheat. I was in an A for 7 years...(yeah I know) and I always pushed him to stop with me and go to MC to save his M. He was never getting a divorce so why not give your M a shot? There a times that I waiver on sending an anonymous letter....can't call her from a blocked number because he changed his phone service to not receive a blocked number..... MM is a cad and I think the W SHOULD know....(or maybe SHE just doesn't care) Just adding my 2 cents....... Most likely, she doesn't know. Most affairs are not discovered. If a blocked number is an issue, then buy a cheap disposable phone at the store where the number cannot be traced. Plenty of ways to get ahold of her. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 So you want to clear your conscience by blowing up his life - and his wife's life? You did the deed. You live with the results of it. Leave him and his alone to deal with their own results. It was nine years ago. Maybe his wife knows, maybe she doesn't, but don't try to let on that you are coming from anywhere but a place of selfishness. Your response to him when he said he wished he was with you smacks of bitterness, and the fact that you were facebook friends until two days ago.... facebook wasn't around 9 years ago, so whether you "friended" him or him you - you apparently were completely willing to stay in touch. You didn't want to "clear your conscience" before now.... Does the wife have a right to know? Of course she does. You aren't the person to tell her nine years after the fact, though. You say you've changed so much. Show you've changed by not messing in the lives of other people. The woman is trying to ease her conscience and relieve her guilt. Coming clean and disclosing the truth is the honorable thing to do. She would be doing the wife a favor by giving her the truth. Most BS would want to know the truth. This woman finally wants to do what is right. We shouldn't be discouraging her. The truth is always the right thing to do. It gives the wife her power back that the WS took away and continues to take away by keeping her in the dark. Unless this OW provides the truth, it will most likely never be known. She should do the right thing now and come clean. Link to post Share on other sites
Angelina527 Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 You are blissfully oblivious if you believe what you've stated. Some men are very, very good at lying and compartmentalization. You nor I have no right to assume anything about if she knows/knew or not. I agree! I didn't have a clue for four years, and we had a great marriage and were very close. Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Unless this OW provides the truth, it will most likely never be known. She should do the right thing now and come clean. It can still be known without the OW telling the wife. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 As I said to you in another thread when you gave this advice, a person ought to be able to own their own shtye enough to NOT hide their identity. Cowardly and ball-less comes to mind. She was a big enough girl to have the affair....and if she is gonna do it now, at least have some courage and integrity. I think I'm going with silktricks advice. Sure, it would be nice if the OW owned it and didn't hide her identity. But as many of you OW say on the forum, there could be backlash, she could come after you, there could be repercussions, etc. So I would certainly understand if the OW wanted to avoid the potential for that, and just get the truth out there and remain anonymous. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 It can still be known without the OW telling the wife. Most likely, it will not be known unless the OW tells her. Especially after all this time. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 I agree! I didn't have a clue for four years, and we had a great marriage and were very close. Neither did I. I found out about all the others with the last one. Problems in a marriage aren't automatically assumed to involve infidelity. What kind of marriage do you have if the first thing you think of is cheating. I trusted him, he knew my history and what I wouldn't deal with. I had no reason to doubt his word. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Sure, it would be nice if the OW owned it and didn't hide her identity. But as many of you OW say on the forum, there could be backlash, she could come after you, there could be repercussions, etc. So I would certainly understand if the OW wanted to avoid the potential for that, and just get the truth out there and remain anonymous. Yeah...something that should be considered before hand but some how isn't. So let me hide while I do dirt and hide while I expose dirt so that I don't get into trouble...hmmm sounds pretty lame. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Most ow are aware there could be repercussions from beginning to end, I'm saying it's cowardly and ball-less to not own it all the way to the end. You don't get it, because you are focused only on the bs's right to know. I get your point that she should own it completely and not try to hide her identity. I agree, that it would be nice if she did do that. But I can also understand if she wants to avoid the potential problems that could come from that and remain anonymous. Either way, getting the truth out is the right thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Angelina527 Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 I get your point that she should own it completely and not try to hide her identity. I agree, that it would be nice if she did do that. But I can also understand if she wants to avoid the potential problems that could come from that and remain anonymous. Either way, getting the truth out is the right thing to do. I have to say, though, that as a BS, I think it would have been MUCH more difficult for me to have this anonymous person telling me....it would kill me to not know who this person was. Link to post Share on other sites
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