Should I tell his wife

[KathyM]

Yeah...something that should be considered before hand but some how isn't. So let me hide while I do dirt and hide while I expose dirt so that I don't get into trouble...hmmm sounds pretty lame.

If an OW has the courage to contact the BS to give her the truth, then that is at least something. The affair is no longer hidden. She may not want to expose herself to problems by disclosing her identity--so be it. Her identity is really not the point or the issue anymore. The infidelity is. Whether the WS had sex with his secretary, or the woman down the street, probably doesn't matter to the BS at this point. The only thing that does matter is that he cheated. With whom is irrelevant at this point.

[KathyM]

I have to say, though, that as a BS, I think it would have been MUCH more difficult for me to have this anonymous person telling me....it would kill me to not know who this person was.

Maybe she could give out some information, such as that she was a former gf, or how they ended up in contact with each other. Some details should be provided, but if the OW does not want her actual identity known, I can understand that, because of the potential for repercussions. Either way, getting the truth out is still the fair thing to do for the BS, and the right thing to do.

[silktricks]

I disagree...anyone who has knowledge of an affair should let the BS know, if for no other reason than for the wife to protect her health.

 

Nine years after the fact???? If there were going to be health issues, I'm fairly certain they would have surfaced by now.

 

BTW, I don't disagree that the wife should know, but I am extremely skeptical of the supposedly "clean space" this poster is coming from. It doesn't seem to me that the reason is actually for the good of anyone but herself.

 

I will also freely admit that, if my marriage was currently doing well and I found out my husband had cheated a bunch of years ago, I wouldn't feel the person telling me was in any way interested in my happiness or well-being. I'd feel like they were attempting to hurt me, not help me. Other people are totally welcome to disagree with me... this is me and my opinion.

Edited August 16, 2011 by silktricks

[bentnotbroken]

If an OW has the courage to contact the BS to give her the truth, then that is at least something. The affair is no longer hidden. She may not want to expose herself to problems by disclosing her identity--so be it. Her identity is really not the point or the issue anymore. The infidelity is. Whether the WS had sex with his secretary, or the woman down the street, probably doesn't matter to the BS at this point. The only thing that does matter is that he cheated. With whom is irrelevant at this point.

 

 

Mmmmkay. We disagree. Cool.

[silktricks]

Maybe she could give out some information, such as that she was a former gf, or how they ended up in contact with each other. Some details should be provided, but if the OW does not want her actual identity known, I can understand that, because of the potential for repercussions. Either way, getting the truth out is still the fair thing to do for the BS, and the right thing to do.

 

Since the OP hasn't come back, I'm beginning to think this is probably a troll, but that's OK, since the subject is interesting.

 

I have to say that I disagree with the bolded. To expose something that occurred 9 years in the past is not necessarily the right thing to do. You are still messing in the lives of other people - messing where you don't belong. As an OW you (not you personally, but you know what I mean) already messed where you didn't belong. It's not your life. I still say, stay out of it. Stay away.

[KathyM]

Irrelevant, I highly doubt the bs will see it that way. As evidenced by the many posts on here and other places, the bs is more often than not obsessed by finding out everything she can about the ow in the beginning. The bs in my sit. had found out every scrap of information that was available to her about me. Some of it was true, some of it was erroneous but irregardless she dug and dug some more. Go read over at SI and you'll see the same thing illustrated there time and time again.

 

Later.......they are able to back away but not at the beginning.

Well, we're talking about nine years after the fact. And an affair that has long since been ended. But yes, chances are the BS would want to know who this person is. Whether the OW is willing to divulge that information is up to her, but either way, exposing the affair at this point is still the right thing to do. The guy is probably continuing to betray the wife with somebody else, if he's still trying to get in touch with his former OW not long ago.

[blissfullyoblivious]

You are blissfully oblivious if you believe what you've stated. Some men are very, very good at lying and compartmentalization. You nor I have no right to assume anything about if she knows/knew or not.

 

Just because a person is blindsided it does not mean that the liar is very good. We choose to believe the best in people and when they let us down we blame them when in truth we ignored the red flags.

 

Obviously, I do not know the BS in the OP's triangle. I was just stating my views on LTA's. I contend that a marriage cannot be good (for the WS) if a LTA was nurtued and maintained (in the OP's case for 7 years).

 

BS that claim that both spouses were both very happy during an LTA are either in denial or owe the AP a great deal of thanks.

[26pointblue]

So you want to clear your conscience by blowing up his life - and his wife's life? You did the deed. You live with the results of it. Leave him and his alone to deal with their own results. It was nine years ago. Maybe his wife knows, maybe she doesn't, but don't try to let on that you are coming from anywhere but a place of selfishness.

 

Your response to him when he said he wished he was with you smacks of bitterness, and the fact that you were facebook friends until two days ago.... facebook wasn't around 9 years ago, so whether you "friended" him or him you - you apparently were completely willing to stay in touch. You didn't want to "clear your conscience" before now....

 

Does the wife have a right to know? Of course she does. You aren't the person to tell her nine years after the fact, though. You say you've changed so much. Show you've changed by not messing in the lives of other people.

 

I agree with this and also with HeartOn's post.

 

I don't understand how you would be okay being with this 'cad' & this liar, cheater, manipulator etc. for all this time, but now when you say you're happily married & have moved on with your life, you want to out him so that his wife can know what a 'cad' he is? To me it's illogical unless you are still fixated on him in some way.

 

Just last year you told this 'cad' that he blew it & now you are happily married to a wonderful man. So if he hadn't blown it with you, he wouldn't be a cad? When did you start thinking he was a cad?

 

From my perspective, my xMM was a cad, but he was a cad all along . . . to his wife & to me. I was a cad for being with him & participating in that hurtful situation - I hurt myself & his wife, just like he did. True indifference comes when you can just let it go & realize that he was wrong, & so were you, but the past is the past & all you can do is focus on the here & now. I don't think you're there yet. [Which is okay to some extent, it takes time . . . however, I think you need to work on ridding your fixation with xMM from your life, so that you can just completely focus on your husband & marriage & yourself]. To tell his wife now does smack of bitterness, & will keep you stuck in the past [or, worse yet, propelling yourself backwards back into the drama of the past!] & should not be where your focus is anymore.

 

What happened two days ago to make you not FB friends anymore . . . & why would he be suspicious of/worried about his wife finding out now? Those things don't make sense to me.

[26pointblue]

 

I respect you for wanting to tell her for the right reasons...you're wanting to do it for HER and not to hurt the MM.

 

It sounds to me like she wants to do it to hurt the MM. She repeatedly says she wants his wife to know what a cad & a bad person he is. It sounds like because she couldn't have him, she wants him to suffer. That is where to me it sounds like bitterness & for her sake I hope she resolves this within herself. Yeah she says she has guilt & I understand that but I think she needs to take a good look at her mixed motives & ask why she is still hung on up xMM if she is truly happily married, & how this would help her move on/ live in the present?

[woinlove]

Just because a person is blindsided it does not mean that the liar is very good. We choose to believe the best in people and when they let us down we blame them when in truth we ignored the red flags.

 

Obviously, I do not know the BS in the OP's triangle. I was just stating my views on LTA's. I contend that a marriage cannot be good (for the WS) if a LTA was nurtued and maintained (in the OP's case for 7 years).

 

BS that claim that both spouses were both very happy during an LTA are either in denial or owe the AP a great deal of thanks.

 

Some of your statements don't seem to make much sense. Are you implying they should not blame their spouse for letting them down by cheating?

 

Even as an OW, I knew people should take responsibility for their own deception and not blame the spouse for not figuring out they were being deceived. That appears to be what you are doing, and you might want to think about why that is. Sometimes it is in order not to take responsibility for your own actions. Or perhaps it is something else.

[KathyM]

Since the OP hasn't come back, I'm beginning to think this is probably a troll, but that's OK, since the subject is interesting.

 

I have to say that I disagree with the bolded. To expose something that occurred 9 years in the past is not necessarily the right thing to do. You are still messing in the lives of other people - messing where you don't belong. As an OW you (not you personally, but you know what I mean) already messed where you didn't belong. It's not your life. I still say, stay out of it. Stay away.

The thought of this BS going through life believing a lie (that her husband is this faithful guy, trustworthy husband, good man), while he has and/or is screwing around on his wife behind her back, just makes me feel so sorry for her. She could be married to someone else right now who is actually a good man, a trustworthy man, and someone who deserves that trust and that position, if someone had the guts to inform her of the truth. Now she is living a lie and doesn't know it. It's just so unfair. I think anyone who has knowledge of the truth should be forthcoming with it. And I do believe it will relieve some of the guilt the OW is feeling right now. I don't know what religion, if any, the OW has, but in the Christian faith, we are taught that we must confess our wrongdoings in order to be forgiven. I think a part of that is confessing and apologizing to the person that you wronged. I think the OP regrets what she did 9 years ago, and wants to now do the right thing and be honest about it. I, for one, want to encourage her to do that.

[Angelina527]

Just because a person is blindsided it does not mean that the liar is very good. We choose to believe the best in people and when they let us down we blame them when in truth we ignored the red flags.

 

Obviously, I do not know the BS in the OP's triangle. I was just stating my views on LTA's. I contend that a marriage cannot be good (for the WS) if a LTA was nurtued and maintained (in the OP's case for 7 years).

 

BS that claim that both spouses were both very happy during an LTA are either in denial or owe the AP a great deal of thanks.

 

This is NOT always the case. Many times, the cheating has absolutely nothing to do with the BS or the marriage, but with the WS and his self image. At least that's what happened in my marriage...my husband and I were very happy together, but he used sex with others as a way to validate himself. And I would NEVER thank the AP...that's a disgusting thought.

[Angelina527]

Nine years after the fact???? If there were going to be health issues, I'm fairly certain they would have surfaced by now.

 

BTW, I don't disagree that the wife should know, but I am extremely skeptical of the supposedly "clean space" this poster is coming from. It doesn't seem to me that the reason is actually for the good of anyone but herself.

 

I will also freely admit that, if my marriage was currently doing well and I found out my husband had cheated a bunch of years ago, I wouldn't feel the person telling me was in any way interested in my happiness or well-being. I'd feel like they were attempting to hurt me, not help me. Other people are totally welcome to disagree with me... this is me and my opinion.

 

I see your point, but if the man was a cheater then, chances are he is still cheating so the wife should have the knowledge that it happened so she can investigate further.

 

And really, I've thought about it and I really don't care what the OP's reasons are for telling...the wife has a right to know and keeping that information from her is just cruel.

[jthorne]

If the BS has no idea her spouse was actively involved with another woman for 7 years then something is very wrong in that marriage. But it is far worse IMO for the BS to "know" but keep quiet so as not to rock the boat. Only fighting for her man when she feels that she is going to lose what he represents.

Hmm. Well, if you choose to believe that, then...

 

So say you are right- if the BS already knows, what's the harm in telling her? I would think that would be a plus in the column for the OW. She can tell and alleviate her guilt, and know that the blowback might not be as harsh than if she were telling an oblivious BS.

[blissfullyoblivious]

This is NOT always the case. Many times, the cheating has absolutely nothing to do with the BS or the marriage, but with the WS and his self image. At least that's what happened in my marriage...my husband and I were very happy together, but he used sex with others as a way to validate himself. And I would NEVER thank the AP...that's a disgusting thought.

 

 

I have heard my hubby was broken and now he is fixed excuse for cheating before.

 

There is an argument that if your spouse was happy in his relationship with you he would not seek attention from external sources. If he felt tempted to step out of the marriage he could have discussed it with you. Once again with everthing in the open there is no need to cheat.

[26pointblue]

I see your point, but if the man was a cheater then, chances are he is still cheating so the wife should have the knowledge that it happened so she can investigate further.

 

And really, I've thought about it and I really don't care what the OP's reasons are for telling...the wife has a right to know and keeping that information from her is just cruel.

 

Okay but I am thinking about the former OW here since this is the OW forum. I don't think it would do the OW a bit of good to tell the wife. It's just reopening the door to past hurts & drama. In my opinion it's the very last thing she should do if she truly wants to heal, move on, focus on her husband. This will open a s^&tstorm for her . . . why would she want to do that to herself unless she truly hadn't moved on?

 

I want her to move on & be happy & not worry about xMM or his wife. That's in her past. She has no obligation to tell the wife. She has stopped participating in it, has moved on & has by what I can tell not contacted him since, so, that is what she needed to do in terms of what was right for the wife & her, & now she needs to do what is right for her, which is to move on & truly put this behind her. I don't know how she can do that if she hasn't done it in 9 years. To me if she were truly over the MM this wouldn't even be an issue in her head & she wouldn't be saying things like I want his wife to know what a dishonest cheating cad he is . . . it shows she is still hooked on him, & she needs to get over that, & telling his wife = still hooked on him.

 

I do feel that since this is the OW forum [or, since the person who wrote asking for help is a former OW, & not the BS in the situation], the focus on whether his wife should know or not is misplaced. Our focus should be on what is best for the person who is posting. Our focus should be on whether or not the OW should tell -- for the OW's sake, not the BS's sake. As someone pointed out previously, the right to know is different from the right to tell, depending on the perspective of who is asking.

[jthorne]

This is NOT always the case. Many times, the cheating has absolutely nothing to do with the BS or the marriage, but with the WS and his self image. At least that's what happened in my marriage...my husband and I were very happy together, but he used sex with others as a way to validate himself. And I would NEVER thank the AP...that's a disgusting thought.

Sometimes, AP's need to justify their actions by convincing themselves that the BS already knows.

[26pointblue]

I have heard my hubby was broken and now he is fixed excuse for cheating before.

 

There is an argument that if your spouse was happy in his relationship with you he would not seek attention from external sources. If he felt tempted to step out of the marriage he could have discussed it with you. Once again with everthing in the open there is no need to cheat.

 

I disagree. Some people are just cheaters & aren't happy even with a spouse who really tries, a relationship that is otherwise good. They just feel entitled to go out & get some on the side. AND they feel entitled to a good relationship/spouse at the same time.

 

Whether or not they can be reformed of this is a different argument. I suppose if it was one big bad decision & they realized what they almost lost & truly work to change, it can be done -- just like with alcoholics or drug addicts. It takes hard work & the desire to change & I think it is rare, & may involve fighting against their nature. Still, it doesn't mean that a happy marriage/ good spouse would have kept those people from cheating in the first place. I think that logic is so flawed. To many of these people who are selfish & love power & control & have no problem liking to lie & cheat, they want the submissive, good, honest wife & happy home life, AND the wild & crazy & fun & idolizing OW on the side. The wife could get all the problems on the table, heck, even put herself naked on the table every night next to the steak & potatoes she cooked him all day, & he would still be having sex with his secretary over lunch.

[woinlove]

Okay but I am thinking about the former OW here since this is the OW forum. I don't think it would do the OW a bit of good to tell the wife. It's just reopening the door to past hurts & drama. In my opinion it's the very last thing she should do if she truly wants to heal, move on, focus on her husband. This will open a s^&tstorm for her . . . why would she want to do that to herself unless she truly hadn't moved on?

 

I want her to move on & be happy & not worry about xMM or his wife. That's in her past. She has no obligation to tell the wife. She has stopped participating in it, has moved on & has by what I can tell not contacted him since, so, that is what she needed to do in terms of what was right for the wife & her, & now she needs to do what is right for her, which is to move on & truly put this behind her. I don't know how she can do that if she hasn't done it in 9 years. To me if she were truly over the MM this wouldn't even be an issue in her head & she wouldn't be saying things like I want his wife to know what a dishonest cheating cad he is . . . it shows she is still hooked on him, & she needs to get over that, & telling his wife = still hooked on him.

 

I do feel that since this is the OW forum [or, since the person who wrote asking for help is a former OW, & not the BS in the situation], the focus on whether his wife should know or not is misplaced. Our focus should be on what is best for the person who is posting. Our focus should be on whether or not the OW should tell -- for the OW's sake, not the BS's sake. As someone pointed out previously, the right to know is different from the right to tell, depending on the perspective of who is asking.

 

I agree with your point but don't think one can completely separate them. Most people are affected by how they treat others, whether they extend kindness, indifference or harm to others. It's a subtle mix - figuring out what is a kind or honorable thing to do and then how much that matters when mixed in with potential consequences of past actions. I find it complex enough that I typically stay rather quiet on whether an AP should tell the BS, except in cases where the BS contacts him/her. However, I'm always interested to see the mix of opinions on this. Likely the OP has to see a mix too, to figure out for herself what she thinks is the right thing for herself to do.

[KathyM]

You are making so many assumptions because of what seems like tunnel vision. (Tell the BS).

 

Seriously........you have no idea if any of those scenarios is true or not. I also think you are projecting what YOU want the op to feel. I think others have called it more accurately, the op is pissed.....she wants him to pay, I don't think it has much to do with getting forgiveness.

What assumptions am I making? That the wife could be with someone trustworthy by now if she was told the truth? Maybe she would be, maybe not. At least she would have the choice if she knew the truth. Right now, that choice has been taken away from her since she is being kept in the dark. Sure, I'm assuming the BS doesn't know about the affair. Chances are, she doesn't know. The OP has said that she wants to clear the slate, (or words to that effect) and be honest about what happened. She was honest about it with her husband, and now she wants to clear the air about it with the parties involved. That's what she said she wanted to do. I'm just supporting her in that decision. Since it's been 9 years after the affair, I doubt she's coming clean out of spite at this point. She wants to clear the air and relieve herself of that guilt. That's a good thing, and I would support her in doing that.

[OnyxSnowfall]

My take on it is... DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS RIGHT.

 

If you would want to know, tell.

If you wouldn't want to know, don't tell.

 

The problem with the "golden rule" is that not everyone is the same... so while one person may want to know, someone else may not want to and vice versa.

 

When someone can't possibly know what someone else would want, it's just healthier to default to what FEELS right. Many times there are angles and things we can't consider either way...

 

Personally, I would want to know. I value truth --- truth is sometimes very ugly...

[blissfullyoblivious]

Sometimes, AP's need to justify their actions by convincing themselves that the BS already knows.

 

Sometimes. the BS already knows and does not care to make a big deal out of it.

[blissfullyoblivious]

I disagree. Some people are just cheaters & aren't happy even with a spouse who really tries, a relationship that is otherwise good. They just feel entitled to go out & get some on the side. AND they feel entitled to a good relationship/spouse at the same time.

 

Whether or not they can be reformed of this is a different argument. I suppose if it was one big bad decision & they realized what they almost lost & truly work to change, it can be done -- just like with alcoholics or drug addicts. It takes hard work & the desire to change & I think it is rare, & may involve fighting against their nature. Still, it doesn't mean that a happy marriage/ good spouse would have kept those people from cheating in the first place. I think that logic is so flawed. To many of these people who are selfish & love power & control & have no problem liking to lie & cheat, they want the submissive, good, honest wife & happy home life, AND the wild & crazy & fun & idolizing OW on the side. The wife could get all the problems on the table, heck, even put herself naked on the table every night next to the steak & potatoes she cooked him all day, & he would still be having sex with his secretary over lunch.

 

I was commenting on the poster who claimed that she and her spouse were happy together during the LTA and expressed my bewilderment.

[blissfullyoblivious]

Some of your statements don't seem to make much sense. Are you implying they should not blame their spouse for letting them down by cheating?

 

Even as an OW, I knew people should take responsibility for their own deception and not blame the spouse for not figuring out they were being deceived. That appears to be what you are doing, and you might want to think about why that is. Sometimes it is in order not to take responsibility for your own actions. Or perhaps it is something else.

 

 

My statements are very clear when read in context. Sorry that you are having difficulty with comprehension.

[Angelina527]

I have heard my hubby was broken and now he is fixed excuse for cheating before.

 

There is an argument that if your spouse was happy in his relationship with you he would not seek attention from external sources. If he felt tempted to step out of the marriage he could have discussed it with you. Once again with everthing in the open there is no need to cheat.

 

 

Yes, there is that same tired argument that is thrown out there by people who are not in the marriage and don't understand the unique dynamics of each individual marriage. My husband was a self-indulgent fool, but that had nothing to do with me or our happy marriage.