Should I tell his wife

[woinlove]

My statements are very clear when read in context. Sorry that you are having difficulty with comprehension.

 

I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt first.

[26pointblue]

My statements are very clear when read in context. Sorry that you are having difficulty with comprehension.

 

I too get really confused trying to figure out your point or the logic behind it. So I wouldn't blame it on other peoples' reading comprehension . . . maybe it's more your writing style?

[Memphis Raines]

Tell the wife. She deserves to know the truth. Send her an anonymous letter, or call her with a blocked number. Give some details so she will know you are not a prank caller. The WS obviously is still up to no good if he called you last year. She deserves to know, and he deserves to be outed.

 

and if she is going to do it, she does it in person, or calls her. She had the guts to mess around with her husband, she should have the guts to face her. That way they are both outed to the wife.

[blissfullyoblivious]

I too get really confused trying to figure out your point or the logic behind it. So I wouldn't blame it on other peoples' reading comprehension . . . maybe it's more your writing style?

 

The person to whom my comments were addressed, understood them sufficiently to respond in a respectful way - even though she disagreed. Therefore, the fact that you claim not to understand my viewpoint BUT have chosen to respond anyway is a waste of your time in my humble opinion.

 

I do find it amusing that some posters attempt to find ambiguity when there is none by looking at statements in isolation rather than looking at the running commentary. This is normally when they disagree with the stated opinion so wish to cause mischief.

[TurboGirl]

I had a sexual relationship with a man about 9 years ago. We had went to high school together and hadn't seen each other in years.

Long story short..we e-mailed each other for 2 years before it happened.

Now I am married to a very loving man who knows what happened before I met him. I wanted to come into this relationship with a clean conscience.

I have changed so much and the guilt is eating me up inside because his wife doesn't know. I think she has the right to know what happened between us. She is married to a man who is a liar and a cheat. Someone who is hiding his true identity. Even though this much time has passed he called me on the phone just last year and told me he wished that I was with him. I told him he blew it because I am married to a wonderful man now.

So that tells me that he still thinks about me (and other woman I'm sure)

We were friends on facebook till 2 days ago but I never spoke a word to him..so he is very uneasy I'm sure and worried that she is going to find out.

Any suggestions...

I need someone to talk to about this

 

So you've told YOUR husband about YOUR past... yippee... and now you are all high & mighty, now all of a sudden better!? Oh, the rightousness of it all! So you want to cause that poor woman pain and ruin her relationship with her H? Dredge up the past and hurt her?

 

You already "did enough." Quit talking with her H.

 

9 years ago is ancient history. You need to find something positive to focus on instead of dragging up the past. OH and he called you LAST YEAR???? and now, all of a sudden you are compelled to tell his wife about what you did 9 years ago, and the phone call?

 

You need to find something productive to take your mind off of the MM, because obviously you are fixated on him and perhaps really did want him for yourself.

[stillafool]

Your response to him when he said he wished he was with you smacks of bitterness, and the fact that you were facebook friends until two days ago.... facebook wasn't around 9 years ago, so whether you "friended" him or him you - you apparently were completely willing to stay in touch. You didn't want to "clear your conscience" before now....

 

Does the wife have a right to know? Of course she does. You aren't the person to tell her nine years after the fact, though. You say you've changed so much. Show you've changed by not messing in the lives of other people.

 

Exactly! Something sounds fishy here. I think since you have found the man of your dreams you should mind your business and leave his alone. BTW, did you tell your new husband you were friends with your ex on facebook?

 

Another 1 post OP who will probably never come back.

[Emme]

No you should not tell his wife. Move on.

[fooled once]

If the BS has no idea her spouse was actively involved with another woman for 7 years then something is very wrong in that marriage. But it is far worse IMO for the BS to "know" but keep quiet so as not to rock the boat. Only fighting for her man when she feels that she is going to lose what he represents.

 

Is the above just your view or are you making an erroneous sweeping generalization?

 

You are blissfully oblivious if you believe what you've stated. Some men are very, very good at lying and compartmentalization. You nor I have no right to assume anything about if she knows/knew or not.

 

Ditto

 

Nine years after the fact???? If there were going to be health issues, I'm fairly certain they would have surfaced by now.

 

BTW, I don't disagree that the wife should know, but I am extremely skeptical of the supposedly "clean space" this poster is coming from. It doesn't seem to me that the reason is actually for the good of anyone but herself.

 

I will also freely admit that, if my marriage was currently doing well and I found out my husband had cheated a bunch of years ago, I wouldn't feel the person telling me was in any way interested in my happiness or well-being. I'd feel like they were attempting to hurt me, not help me. Other people are totally welcome to disagree with me... this is me and my opinion.

 

Great post Silk!

 

Sometimes. the BS already knows and does not care to make a big deal out of it.

 

Again, is this just your view or another erroneous sweeping generalization?

[mzdolphin]

I don't care what reason you use to give you courage, but tell her.

 

I was in a similar position. I reconnected with a man I dated 20 years ago. We were both single at the time. When we reconnected he claimed to be divorced. I found out otherwise. I sent his wife an email, with details of our dating history then and now (I think he started seeing her after I moved away back then).

 

He was feeding me the line that his marriage was over that she wouldn't give him a divorce. I ccd him on the email.

 

She never contacted me. Within two weeks he was calling again. Within two months we were back in bed with each other. I broke it off. A year later he contacted me again. I slept with him again. Then I refused to see him. Two years later and he professes his love etc. Yes, I do respond to his emails, but I won't see him for fear I won't resist.

 

I feel no need to contact her again. I gave her the information. Who knows what lies he is feeding her or why she chooses to accept it. But that's not for me to worry about. I informed her once. That's it.

 

If I allowed it, that dude would be sleeping with me every day.

Edited August 17, 2011 by mzdolphin
spelling

[Lostinlife4now]

As I said to you in another thread when you gave this advice, a person ought to be able to own their own shtye enough to NOT hide their identity. Cowardly and ball-less comes to mind. She was a big enough girl to have the affair....and if she is gonna do it now, at least have some courage and integrity.

 

I think I'm going with silktricks advice.

 

 

Yes I have to say I AGREE WITH THIS>...If I decide to do it and tell W I WILL MEET HER FACE TO FACE....Not a problem...What was I thinking.....

[Lostinlife4now]

You are blissfully oblivious if you believe what you've stated. Some men are very, very good at lying and compartmentalization. You nor I have no right to assume anything about if she knows/knew or not.

 

 

Oh this is Xmm to a Tee...He is a very good liar and compartmentalist... She has no FREAKIN idea what he is doing and what he has done...After I broke it off with him.. He told me he will find someone else to have an affair with....Nice guy........

[bentnotbroken]

I was in a similar position. I reconnected with a man I dated 20 years ago. We were both single at the time. When we reconnected he claimed to be divorced. I found out otherwise. I sent his wife an email, with details of our dating history then and now (I think he started seeing her after I moved away back then).

 

He was feeding me the line that his marriage was over that she wouldn't give him a divorce. I ccd him on the email.

 

She never contacted me. Within two weeks he was calling again. Within two months we were back in bed with each other. I broke it off. A year later he contacted me again. I slept with him again. Then I refused to see him. Two years later and he professes his love etc. Yes, I do respond to his emails, but I won't see him for fear I won't resist.

 

I feel no need to contact her again. I gave her the information. Who knows what lies he is feeding her or why she chooses to accept it. But that's not for me to worry about. I informed her once. That's it.

 

If I allowed it, that dude would be sleeping with me every day.

:confused:Hmmm.

[26pointblue]

The person to whom my comments were addressed, understood them sufficiently to respond in a respectful way - even though she disagreed. Therefore, the fact that you claim not to understand my viewpoint BUT have chosen to respond anyway is a waste of your time in my humble opinion.

 

I do find it amusing that some posters attempt to find ambiguity when there is none by looking at statements in isolation rather than looking at the running commentary. This is normally when they disagree with the stated opinion so wish to cause mischief.

 

Umm, looking at your statements in the context of 'the running commentary' [which is what I was doing all along], you very plainly said that there's a theory that if the husband is cheating, it's because there's something wrong with the relationship or the spouse. I disagreed with that theory & said often I don't think that's the case with cheaters. At least it was not the case with my xMM who had what he himself described as the storybook perfect wife & marriage on the outside . . . he just wanted everything because something is wrong with him inside . . . & I feel from my reading on LS that that is very often the case.

 

I did not respond to you or say I disagree with you with the intent to 'cause mischief' but simply to continue the conversation, which is the point of an online message forum. Just because someone disagrees with what you say -- or doesn't understand what you're saying enough to disagree or agree with you, but is simply seeking clarification in order to continue the conversation -- does not mean they are trying to cause mischief. Nor does it mean they are trying to create ambiguity in your posts . . . perhaps, just maybe, it could be that there is ambiguity & people are trying to figure out what the heck you are saying so that they can converse with you. But you don't seem to want to converse with anyone who disagrees with you or doesn't understand you, without resorting to acting like we are all a bunch of nincompoops who can't understand basic English, so, I will now bow out of this pointless attempt to explain what I believe you are already well aware of.

Edited August 17, 2011 by 26pointblue