Fiance Cheated With Co-Worker

[Campo101]

Hi All,

 

First of all I dont really know what to expect out of this, but I suppose abit of advise or your thoughts would help me, I suppose im writing this just to vent really, So... Here we go.

 

Me (30) and my now Fiance (33) have been with each other 4 years in total, in the first 3 years we had about 3 breaks from each other (ranging from 1 week to 1 month), each one being my decision due to me thinking I couldnt give her what she wanted out of the reletionship (ie marrage and children in the future, the reason for me thinking I couldnt marry anyone in the future, was due to my family (mum and dad) falling apart during the 3 years which I said above), But we always got back together not because we just wanted to be with someone nor because we wanted someone to have sex with... It truly was because we missed each other and loved each other.

 

Back in September 2010, we moved in together in to our own house, which we were confident about because she use to sleep over at mine 6 nights a week and we spent all our time together, in October 2010 I proposed to her at a supprise party I threw for her birthday and everything was perfect.

 

Just a little background : As I said im 30, I have a really good job, I have a good sense of humour, I use to go out quite alot with my mates and me and my fiance use to do most things together. She gets on like a house on fire with all my mates and their partners, I truly do beleive that we are soul mates!

 

Any way over the past 3-4 months we havnt been getting on that well, and I have to admit that I have been an uttery Arse Hole to her, mainly how I have spoken to her while arguing and in front of people we know, I didnt see it at the time but now I do!!! but then she has been horrible to me in how she treated me etc. Every single convcersation we had turned

into an argument, neither of us showed each other any respect. But I have always trusted her 10000% the thought of her cheating on me would never had entered my head for a milli second!!

 

On the 31st July 2011 we wer going on holiday, on the 30th July 2011 she asked me to put some music on her iphone, so i backed everything up for her on my computer and showed her how to go on in putting songs on her iphone, (when you sync an iphone with itunes it backs everything up to the pc and also syncs emails as well). anyway, i had a wonder up the road to my mates and stayed there from 5pm till 9pm having a few drinks, she didnt come as she wanted to sort her music out and get packed etc. when i came home she had finished updating her iphones music and i sat down at the pc to do a couple of things, when i saw she had had about 20 emails from twitter saying direct message from a guy, these direct messages were not explicit but defenatly showed that something was happening more than friends (eg wish you was here, cant wait for you to meet the gang, i could do with a kiss). As you can possibly expect i hit the roof and asked her what the hell was going off!

 

Ill try to keep this as short as possible but eventually after holding information back and lying to me, she finally told me that he (32) was a guy from work, she had been seeing him for about 1 and a half months, she had rung him everyday on the way too and back from work, spent some lunch times with him and a couple of times after work, kissed him in his car, when i had gone away for evenings out with my mates she had told me she was seeing her friends but was actually going round his house, she says they had sex once, which actually resulted in her having to goto a medical drop in centre as the condom was stuck inside her, and then she had been round again but didnt have sex but did if you like dry hump him, to the point that she came!. this didnt all come out at once, some of it came out before we went on holiday then when we came back from our actually quite nice holiday she confessed all about the sex etc after i was constantly asking questions to answers that didnt stack up!

 

she says that the holiday made her realise how much she loves me, and I have to admit it did make me realise how much Im in love with her also and how we have treated each other and that nobody should be treated that way.

 

She says initially she was speaking to him as a friend and as someone to vent to about all the crap that was going off between us, but as i see it (and trust me i actually think i know what im talking about here, because i can say that i use to be abit of a player in my yonger days) all I can see is that she has told him initially that everything is crap between us, i talk to her like she nothing, our sex life was BAD....etc and all he has thought is "Bloody Hell this is GREAT I can have her eating out of my hands and I can get some Fresh Meat Here... YIPPEEE", and that he has taken advantage of her good nature.

 

Once everything came out she has quit her job, come off facebook, twitter and even changed her mobile number and she has told me that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me and shes sorry, and I truly do want to stay with her I LOVE HER...

 

The day we got back from holiday she says she contacted him and told him everything was over and she loves and want to be with me... but he replied that he was gutted because he had fallen in love with her!!! she told her sister everything and said that her head was a mess and confused, her sister asked about what? staying with me? or being with him?... she replied BOTH!!! as I said she has told me over and over again that she wants me, and i have tried to explain to her that she has more than likley been played and that he was only after one thing, she says that she see's that now and didnt at the time, but I just cant stop hurting, the thought of them doing things together makes me feel sick, some times im ok the next i get an image in my head... its just killing me, i really do think we can through it, because I really do beleive that WE ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER... but as I say ITS KILLING ME!!!

 

any help would be great!

 

Thanks

 

C

[Jynxx]

she says that the holiday made her realise how much she loves me, and I have to admit it did make me realise how much Im in love with her also and how we have treated each other and that nobody should be treated that way.

Jeezes man, get yourself together. You weren't nice to her, she decided that was a good enough excuse to cheat, and I bet she told you it was more or less your fault.

The day we got back from holiday she says she contacted him and told him everything was over and she loves and want to be with me... but he replied that he was gutted because he had fallen in love with her!!! she told her sister everything and said that her head was a mess and confused, her sister asked about what? staying with me? or being with him?... she replied BOTH!!! as I said she has told me over and over again that she wants me, and i have tried to explain to her that she has more than likley been played and that he was only after one thing, she says that she see's that now and didnt at the time

So to recap: she cheated on you and ****ed him when she thought he wanted her for more then sex, then "realised" she loved you when she thought she got played by that guy (meaning she thought he just wanted sex), then after he says he wants a relationship she stopped realising she loved you and became really confused. Or to put it shorter: if the guy doesn't want her, she wants you; if the guy maybe wants her, she's confused; if the guy really wanted her ... (fill it in yourself). If you want to be her second choice or backup until someone better stops by, then by all means do continue the relationship.

 

I really do beleive that WE ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER... but as I say ITS KILLING ME!!!

She says she wants you and loves you, and she's been cheating on you for over a month! Not even an impulsive drunk night, she's been planning it out. She's been cheating on you and planning it out! Have some selfrespect and kick her out.

[PegNosePete]

I truly do beleive that we are soul mates!

Soul mates do not bang other people.

 

she had told me she was seeing her friends but was actually going round his house, she says they had sex once

BOLLOCKS

 

Do you really believe that? They were seeing each other for 6 weeks, and they only had sex once? If you believe that then I have a bridge to sell you.

 

which actually resulted in her having to goto a medical drop in centre as the condom was stuck inside her

Dude, get yourself tested for STDs. A condom falling off can cause transmission of all sorts of nasty things including HIV.

 

this didnt all come out at once, some of it came out before we went on holiday then when we came back from our actually quite nice holiday she confessed all about the sex etc after i was constantly asking questions to answers that didnt stack up!

The famous trickle-truth. She tells you little bits in bite-size chunks so you don't explode all at once. The problem is how do you know she is being honest with you now? I would bet my bottom dollar that she is NOT.

 

he has taken advantage of her good nature.

You might want to reevaluate her "good" nature. If she was good-natured then she would not be shagging other men.

 

any help would be great!

Walk away man. You are not married so you have dodged a bullet there. If she had done this in a year's time you would have lost half your stuff. She cheated on you, you're not married => DUMP. Sounds like your relationship is pretty bad anyway if you needed to take all those breaks.

[John Michael Kane]

Please drop her. You deserve better.

[Try]

but he replied that he was gutted because he had fallen in love with her!!! she told her sister everything and said that her head was a mess and confused, her sister asked about what? staying with me? or being with him?... she replied BOTH!!!

When he claimed that he loved her she became confused. She is now no longer sure if he is just playing her. There are ups and downs in all relationships. The next time that there is a down in your relationship, can you trust her not to go back to him?

 

Also when you listen to yourself she has you believing that since you were being jerks to each other that it is partly your fault. This is BS because her seeing another man to the point that he says that he is in love with her, meant that she was not putting forth the energy needed by her to address her issues with you, i.e. she was looking for fight with you instead of looking to fix things.

[Memphis Raines]

she told her sister everything and said that her head was a mess and confused, her sister asked about what? staying with me? or being with him?... she replied BOTH!!!

 

the above, doesn't jive with the following:

 

I really do beleive that WE ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER

 

 

If you were made for each other, there wouldn't be any question in her mind.

 

Here is the problem. She is cheating at this very early stage in your relationship. And if she is cheating now, then watch out for that 7 year itch. It is gonna get her big time.

 

I'm afraid you will end up marrying her, she will become bored with being with the same man, you, for too long, and will be looking for that validation again.

 

bottom line, if she is cheating now, it aint going to get better with time. That and you will have to look at her face from time to time and wonder if she is thinking about the other man with great fondness.....and she will.

 

if you can handle that, then marry her.

 

If you think you deserve better, then find someone else.

[Lecturer]

A simple act of cheating can be forgiven, given certain circumstances. However, what irks me about this is how she is AT ALL CONFUSED about what she wants. Yes, people have raw sexual urges, and sometimes people also do stupid things. When those two things mix, cheating can be the result. If my wife did what your fiance did, under the circumstances you described preceding the infidelity (fighting, mistreating), I would probably forgive her (assuming I trust and believe her motivation). But even if the guy said "I love you", if she were to respond in ANY WAY to him except "I'm sorry, this was a mistake. I'm staying with my husband whom I love and I will have nothing further to do with you", then I would NOT be able to forgive her. Your fiance's confusion, to me, indicates there is a fundamental flaw in the relationship that can't be repaired and will always be at risk of being a problem in the future.

 

Anyway, plenty of people will disagree with my understanding/forgiving attitude, but there are lots of examples of couples where an infidelity has occurred under complicated circumstances, and the couple stays together and lives happily ever after. For example, my uncle cheated on his wife early in their marriage.. they reconciled and have been faithful and happily married for 30 years since that event - and everyone that knows them agrees they are much closer and happier in their marriage now than they were before the infidelity. As with anything, having an absolute attitude on this could be detrimental to one's own happiness.. they would have deprived themselves of decades of marital joy.

 

Yes, sometimes it can't be forgiven and the relationship is irreparably damaged. You must decide if this is true. As I said, for me, I think it probably would be.

[whammy]

a women in love is never confused... dont let your love for her cloud the truth... she wants him and isnt in love with you

[Afishwithabike]

Remember the old adage, "Don't make someone a priority who treats you as an option."

 

She's a priority to you while you're an option to her.

[Richard Friedman]

Tell her that if you saw her bleeding to death on the street, you wouldn't stop to help her. Then cut all contact.

[jnj express]

No matter what you do decide, If you have a wedding date planned, postpone it indefinetly-----figure out what you want----this is not about her, and what she wants, its about you, what you want, what you can live with, and how much happiness or misery you wanna be in for the rest of your life.

[Chi townD]

Okay, first off cancel the wedding. She said it to her sister herself, she's not sure if she wants you or him, actually she said both! You don't want to marry anyone that isn't 100% committed to you.

 

I wouldn't believe that she had sex with him just once. Cheaters, when caught, tend to downplay the affair as much as possible to make it seem that it isn't as bad as it seemed. She slept with him once, they crossed the line and it's easier to stay over that line once it's crossed.

 

You said that you were an ass to her, but I have a feeling that she brought it out of you. Cheaters tend to pick fights with their SO as to lessen the guilt of cheating on you. They get it set in their minds that had you been treating her better they wouldn't be in bed with this other guy right now. When in actuality, they're the ones that picked the fight. They think that you're being the jerk; therefore, you had this coming to you and she shouldn't feel guilty about it.

 

Please, please! cancel the wedding until you work this out.