Happiness is a teardrop away... Yeah, right!

[lonelyheartbeat]

Okay, I know I stole my subject line from Shrek 2, but I couldn’t help it. It popped into my head just now, and all I could think was…man if only it were that easy!

 

I’m about to post stuff that hasn’t already been posted. However, I’m needing to commiserate with others and thus, here I am.

 

For the last year I’ve noticed that I’ve had really low spirits. Even more so then usual. I graduated college in 2010 and was glad. At the time. No more school, now I can spend some time and relax. Then find a job, start on my life goals.

 

Of course, I’m not going to sit here now, a year later and say that I didn’t have a hand in my current sad mood. I know that we all have choices. However, for me, it always seems like I do…but I don’t.

 

I know lots of people have been saying it…but really, my life is sucking so badly right now, there are days I wonder why I even make the effort to get out of bed. I think if it wasn’t for the fact that I’d probably fall asleep, I’d stay there. For explanation, when I sleep too much, I get terrible headaches. I’ve enough stress headaches during the day, I’d like to avoid as many as I can.

 

So much of my life is crap. I think it’s always been crap. My childhood is full of unhappy memories. From school days to moments at home with my crazy family.

But since I feel the need to really list, here goes:

 

I’m disabled to start. I turned 30 this year. My family is completely dysfunctional. I can’t keep the interest of a man for more than thirty seconds. I have no job and my goal to be a writer is not going well, which is an understatement. I could count on one hand the number of genuine friends I have. My health has been horrible the last few years.

 

These are the main things that I sit and think about and just ask, why me?

 

And I’m sorry, if any of you out there have had people say this to you and you’re like me where you just want to slap them, raise your hand. I’ve had so many people look at me and say, “You’re the only one that can make you happy. And if things in life aren’t to your liking…well, change it! Only you can change things.”

 

Or, they say, “Your friend/relative doing, saying and/or acting like a jerk, well, you’re letting them get to you, so you need to learn to IGNORE it.”

 

People, please. How many of you had this said to you? And how many of you think it’s bull? Now, I won’t sit here and say it’s not at least partially true. But seriously, I’ve been living a life of crap lately, and I’ve tried. I’ve tried to “change” things, or to “ignore” the comments from friends/relatives that stress me out, make me angry or are just difficult to deal with on a constant daily basis. However, ever heard the saying, easier said than done?

 

I live in a sewer of negativity. I live with a family relative that would make even the sanest of people run for cover. Or have the person who doesn’t drink start drinking. I’m not saying this person is an evil person, but they’re OCD and controlling. To give an example of how bad it is, I can’t even change a roll of toilet paper without the person asking me if I changed it and from now on let them do it.

 

Yes, this may not sound like a big deal, but imagine comments, terse orders or outright anger from someone about stuff like this all day long? The way I explain it to people is, you can keep swinging that tiny hammer at the brick wall, but eventually, no matter how strong and how tall the wall, sooner or later a crack will appear.

 

Also, to explain, if any of you are wondering why I don’t leave… I’ve no job and I’m disabled. I live in a place where there’s a high cost of living, so it makes it pretty hard for even an able-bodied, full-time working individual to get a place. Or a room.

 

Anyway, for myself, my moments of depression come in turns. Some days are better than others. But other times, like now, all I want to do is stay in bed. In February I think it was the worst it’s ever been for me. I was so down that I literally was only getting out of bed to walk my dog, and choke down at least one meal a day.

 

Right now I know my mood has turned because all my family has come to town for a wedding. And while I enjoy being around the newlywed couple as I love them both to bits, it’s depressing the crap out of me. I look at all the members of my family, and while I can’t say they’re 100% happy/content, they’ve got things in their life…well, to live for. They’ve got husbands, wives, girlfriends, children, a new marriage, career satisfaction, a new house they just bought, etc.

 

I feel like the only loose pin at this point. This is so cliché, but there are times where I sit among all the family and I feel alone. Alone in a crowd.

 

I keep asking, when will it be my turn to smile? Or even feel a teardrop of happiness? Sometimes I get excited, because I think something will lead somewhere, whether it be career wise, romance wise, etc. Then suddenly, it’s gone as fast as it came and I sit and angrily wonder why did it taunt and tease me by coming in the first place?

 

I’m really tired of people trying to comfort me by saying, you’ll know the reason one day and you’ll understand why it wasn’t time. Or, you can’t sit and wonder why, you just have to move on and start something new.

 

I’ve tried. I’ve tried and tried and tried and I keep winding up back in the same place. I swear if I had the capability, I’d leave where I am right now and go far, far away. Cut myself off from my family and start a new life. However, I think even if I did that, things wouldn’t improve. I think I’d still be sad, lonely and miserable.

 

I’m having a pity party as you can all see. Anyone want to join you’re certainly invited. Misery loves company.