Being a step-mom

[Ms. Joolie]

I disagree with using the word "step-mom" for my situation. My fiance has two kids and, with his ex-wife, manages things just fine with raising his kids. I don't believe it's necessary in any way to step in as a mom, aka be a "step-mom".

 

Yes. I am one to argue semantics.

 

But letting that go, I know there is the bigger picture of who I am going to be in these kids lives. They are 10 and 12. I definitely think the responsibility of raising these children are not mine, rather the responsibility simply lies in me being a sort of role model for these kids. I want to be a great wife. I want to have a great marriage. I want to be a friend, so to say, for his children. I want to be a part of their lives in a good way.

 

I've been around a lot of children in my life - as babysitter, as older sister (10 year gap between me and 3 young ones), and as a elementary school teacher sit-in at two schools. I've always been around children it seems, since being one myself.

 

So it isn't being with children that bothers me. It's the "expectations" of being a step-mom.

 

I choose not to have my own children, so obviously spending time raising children is not in the agenda. Only spending time with children is. And as you can imagine, with my fiance and his kids being a priority, that will be a good amount of time.

 

YES I am willing to be there for him and his kids. NO I'm not willing to spend time raising kids.

 

Tell me step-moms don't actually become second mothers. Or do they?

 

I want to be very clear about who I will be as a woman in the house, as a wife and for his kids.

[Ms. Joolie]

I don't want to feel like a third wheel. I also don't want to give so much time/get so involved as if it's like I'm a part-time mom. Can't do it! I know my attitude may be a little off here, but I'm definitely looking to clear that up.

 

Especially interested in hearing from parents!

[Ms. Joolie]

What I'm most afraid of is his having all the daddy child-rearing responsibilities and me pursuing my own activities... and then we grow apart. In my mind, I'm not out to create a family. They have the family.

 

It's the conversation of having a home together, living a life together, but he has the kids. It's not a very old conversation, and shouldn't go unaddressed. We talked about this recently together, and he heard me out, but I still feel uneasy and not resolute.

 

I want to make sure that our marriage dynamic works, but maybe I'm just worrying too much and this matter just needs to be taken one day at a time.

 

I want to let go of any selfishness but I can't give up a lot of time.

[Mauschen]

Dear Ms. Joolie,

 

I can understand your desire to not be a be a stepmom, but you can't, in your situation, leave all of the child raising to your husband and his ex-wife. It is simply not feasible. How do I know? I have a husband with no children (I have 2 children). While the dynamics are certainly much different than a nuclear family, my husband has had to take on a lot of responsibility from doing homework with the kids, to making dinner, teaching my son to ride a bike, and going on family vacations. If you are not willing to support your husband and his children in these ways, then you may have a difficult road ahead of you.

 

That said, most children of divorce, and particularly those of your fiance's age, do not want step parents at all. So your approach of supporting them only when they ask for support may actually work. However, I would not recommend abandoning the family when the kids are around to pursue your own activities. In my opinion, that is really giving the kids the wrong message about the sacrifices that need to be made in a marriage.

[Ms. Joolie]

Dear Ms. Joolie,

 

I can understand your desire to not be a be a stepmom, but you can't, in your situation, leave all of the child raising to your husband and his ex-wife. It is simply not feasible. How do I know? I have a husband with no children (I have 2 children).

 

I can understand your husband filling in as a step-dad to help raise the children *if* the biological father is not a part of the picture. May I ask if this is the case for you?

 

 

If you are not willing to support your husband and his children in these ways, then you may have a difficult road ahead of you.

 

Oh, I do want to support him and his kids, very much in what ways I can. And I love that word "support", so thanks for using it. Support I can be but "step-mom", with the responsibilities of raising children, I can't.

 

The children are his responsibility, along with his ex-wife. I do want to support him, though.

 

 

However, I would not recommend abandoning the family when the kids are around to pursue your own activities. In my opinion, that is really giving the kids the wrong message about the sacrifices that need to be made in a marriage.

 

He has his kids on a few days out of the week, not all the time. On those days, it is necessary to switch into family mode. It's a lot of fun having the kids around and we always have a good time.

 

When he does not have his kids, it's just me and him of course. Well plus calls/texts from the ex-wife! I expect them to have good communication as they are raising the kids, so that's not really the issue I don't think...

 

So I won't be abandoning them. I just won't be abandoning myself and my goals either, or feel obliged to care for the children in place of my own activities. I cannot be that third parent.

 

I guess we definitely have to get it straight on how he would like to be supported, and how I can support him.

[Mauschen]

I'm glad to hear you won't be running off to do your own thing while the kids are around. And if their mother is a good one, then being a role model to them instead of a step-mother might work, although I'm sure the lines could blur a bit.

 

In my situation, my kids' bio father is in their lives, but he is not a good father, unfortunately. Plus, my kids are younger than your fiance's kids, so they require more attention and care.

[Ms. Joolie]

I'm glad to hear you won't be running off to do your own thing while the kids are around. And if their mother is a good one, then being a role model to them instead of a step-mother might work, although I'm sure the lines could blur a bit.

 

I guess role model isn't the word I'd like to use really, haha. I'm definitely not trying to be any sort of role model. That makes me think of a teacher who has to stay on good behavior because of her position, because she is some sort of role model. Eeks me out a bit.

 

I think they just see me as their dad's girlfriend, and it won't really change much from that. Realistically, I will just be another adult presence in the house, but I want it to be a good one at that.

 

Not quite sure how home and family time is going to change once I move in, but I hope they both become something special for them. Role model I may not be, but someone who cares I hope to be. We already have good times together, so I hope we grow on that.

 

 

In my situation, my kids' bio father is in their lives, but he is not a good father, unfortunately. Plus, my kids are younger than your fiance's kids, so they require more attention and care.

 

How fortunate, then, to have a good husband there by your side. I would have a totally different take if that was the situation with my fiance and his kids, if the mom wasn't involved in the kids lives. It is such a beautiful thing to raise children but I can't imagine how difficult it would be if you had to do it by yourself.

[Tayla]

I sense from your post that you have an aversion for being "typecast" by a society that designates how a Step mom duties are to be. Glad you are re-evaluating it to your own lifestyle. The problem is and will be that you can choose to dodge the reality that you will in legal sense be the "step-parent". How you and your spouse determine this role is for you two to decide is ultimately based on your living circumstances. I don't think though that staying in the shadows and washing your hands of some "roles" that you will marry into is the answer. Sure, re-define things but the bottom line is, you are and will be a role model as an adult and a lady. Embrace it and consider it a compliment to live up to. You have an opportunity to shine , take it and relish these responsibilities!

[threebyfate]

Consider daily living. Will your soon-to-be husband be around at every given hour when the kids are around? If not, who will do the following when he's not around?

• Make meals,
  
• break up any fighting,
  
• discipline them,
  
• entertain them,
  
• dry their tears if they're sad or angry,
  
• ensure they stay clean,
  
• ensure they pick up after themselves,
  
• ensure they do their homework,
  
• help them when they want a snack,
  
• do the laundry,
  
• clean the home.
  

I don't think there's really a choice when you move in together unless you're willing to live in chaos.

[turnera]

I can understand your husband filling in as a step-dad to help raise the children *if* the biological father is not a part of the picture.

Well, he CAN'T be part of the picture when they are with you, can he? Are you planning to sit on the couch while he feeds them, helps with their homework, and gets them to bed?

[Ms. Joolie]

I sense from your post that you have an aversion for being "typecast" by a society that designates how a Step mom duties are to be. Glad you are re-evaluating it to your own lifestyle.

 

I absolutely have that aversion of being typecast according to someone's idea of step-mom. I don't want to assume any kind of step-mom role on myself. I think such a role needs to be discussed to fit the situation.

 

 

The problem is and will be that you can choose to dodge the reality that you will in legal sense be the "step-parent". How you and your spouse determine this role is for you two to decide is ultimately based on your living circumstances.

 

You just made me look of the legalities of being a step-mom, haha. Apparently (fortunately) it is not a role that is legally recognized. The parental responsibilities in this case do indeed fall on the biological mom and biological dad.

 

 

I don't think though that staying in the shadows and washing your hands of some "roles" that you will marry into is the answer.

 

The thing is, my hands are free of responsibilities from these children. But the question is pressing. How am I going to help?

 

 

Sure, re-define things but the bottom line is, you are and will be a role model as an adult and a lady. Embrace it and consider it a compliment to live up to. You have an opportunity to shine , take it and relish these responsibilities!

 

It will be really wonderful to be there with the kids, and for the kids, and develop our relationship together. But as far as relishing the responsibilites with the kids, I really have none to relish.

 

Though I'm sure there are unofficial responsibilites of being a step-mom that you can find somewhere.

[Ms. Joolie]

Consider daily living. Will your soon-to-be husband be around at every given hour when the kids are around? If not, who will do the following when he's not around?

• Make meals,
  
• break up any fighting,
  
• discipline them,
  
• entertain them,
  
• dry their tears if they're sad or angry,
  
• ensure they stay clean,
  
• ensure they pick up after themselves,
  
• ensure they do their homework,
  
• help them when they want a snack,
  
• do the laundry,
  
• clean the home.
  

I don't think there's really a choice when you move in together unless you're willing to live in chaos.

 

I am sure every now and then it's going to happen that I will be the one available to watch the kids for him. That's going to be okay. I enjoy being with them, but overall I cannot be that "third parent" to lean on.

 

I will insist that the mom and dad manage the children between the two of them, but can be made available of course, just not in the ordinary run of things.

 

Your post does bring to mind management of the household though. It's definitely a "his house, his kids" kind of situation. I actually think contributing in making a home together, even with his kids, is less burdensome/time consuming than the responsibilities of raising children. As for cleaning, I won't be their maid but I will help upkeep the home of course.

[Ms. Joolie]

Well, he CAN'T be part of the picture when they are with you, can he? Are you planning to sit on the couch while he feeds them, helps with their homework, and gets them to bed?

 

My first instinct is to not be there... stay busy and come home later. haha. As a girlfriend, I've never liked hanging around when it's homework and chores night. When he has had Daddy Duty Nights in the past, it wasn't pleasant at all to just hang around. Sometimes those nights just worked best for me to be there to visit but I never liked that exactly.

 

Going forward, these are exactly the nights I will use to stay busy with my own things. Since we will be living together, it won't be like those are my nights to visit and I have to stay around.

 

I plan to have a full life with my own activities, not raising children, and definitely not hanging around watching him raise children.

 

I just need his raising kids, and my pursuing of my own activities, to work together now.

Edited August 18, 2011 by Ms. Joolie

[nittygritty]

My first instinct is to not be there... stay busy and come home later. haha. As a girlfriend, I've never liked hanging around when it's homework and chores night. When he has had Daddy Duty Nights in the past, it wasn't pleasant at all to just hang around. Sometimes those nights just worked best for me to be there to visit but I never liked that exactly.

 

Going forward, these are exactly the nights I will use to stay busy with my own things. Since we will be living together, it won't be like those are my nights to visit and I have to stay around.

 

I plan to have a full life with my own activities, not raising children, and definitely not hanging around watching him raise children.

 

I just need he's raising kids, and my pursuing of my own activities, to work together now.

 

The type of marriage and family that you are describing sounds very dysfunctional. Have you told your fiance what your marital expections were beyond the wedding? Is he aware that you want rigid boundaries between you, him and his kids?

[Ms. Joolie]

The type of marriage and family that you are describing sounds very dysfunctional.

 

Well, it's difficult coming into a divorced family situation, no doubt. But it's common enough these days to where there has to be a remedy that works for everyone. I'm very aware of bitter and upset wives who are step-moms that feel neglected. I don't want to be that. I want to come up with something that works, that develops our relationship, that creates a home.

 

Addressing the dysfuction for it to function is what I'm rambling about now.

 

 

Have you told your fiance what your marital expections were beyond the wedding?

 

I am preparing part II of the conversation now. I just aired my feelings and random thoughts about it previously but we haven't communicated what we want in this regard.

 

 

Is he aware that you want rigid boundaries between you, him and his kids?

 

I'll have to be sure that he gets that I'm not talking about rigid boundaries. I don't want to be rigid. I want to be open to having this work for everyone.

[turnera]

My first instinct is to not be there... stay busy and come home later. haha. As a girlfriend, I've never liked hanging around when it's homework and chores night. When he has had Daddy Duty Nights in the past, it wasn't pleasant at all to just hang around. Sometimes those nights just worked best for me to be there to visit but I never liked that exactly.

 

Going forward, these are exactly the nights I will use to stay busy with my own things. Since we will be living together, it won't be like those are my nights to visit and I have to stay around.

 

I plan to have a full life with my own activities, not raising children, and definitely not hanging around watching him raise children.

 

I just need his raising kids, and my pursuing of my own activities, to work together now.

Wow.

 

Good luck on that one.

 

I give it about 2 more years, tops, given the kids' ages.

[turnera]

I'll have to be sure that he gets that I'm not talking about rigid boundaries. I don't want to be rigid. I want to be open to having this work for everyone.

Then how do you expect to react when one kid is throwing up and he's holding said kid's head over the toilet for two hours, and the other kid is arguing (to the air, I suppose, since you won't respond) that someone needs to help him with his algebra that has to be turned in tomorrow?

 

I guess I just don't understand what you expect to happen in the home on a day to day basis. Are you going to be 'that lady' for the next 10 years? What if the kids want more attention from dad and you expect him to take you to a play or something? Who 'wins' the battle?

[hotgurl]

If you are not prepare to become a family with him and his kids, you shouldn't get married.

 

I can just imagine how this kids will feel with you disapearing every time they are over.

[Eve]

H'mmm.. not sure that I can visualise how your master plan is going to work OP.

 

I am a step mum but really have become like a proper mum, with the kids actually taking on many of my better characteristics!

 

Basically, I supported Hubby but our parenting is a matter of team work. Sadly the input from his ex was mostly poor. Any good bits she did input was continued on in our home too though to ensure the children felt safe.

 

All in all just be careful the kids don't get to thinking that you only want their Dad and are just putting up with them. The only way out of this scenario really is to parent them methinks.

 

Maybe the word parenting seems over whelming?

 

Maybe if you just think about it as participating in familiar positive patterns, come what may.. you will be ok?

 

Don't over think this but work out a pattern that is real.

 

 

Take care,

Eve x

[threebyfate]

I am sure every now and then it's going to happen that I will be the one available to watch the kids for him. That's going to be okay. I enjoy being with them, but overall I cannot be that "third parent" to lean on.

 

I will insist that the mom and dad manage the children between the two of them, but can be made available of course, just not in the ordinary run of things.

 

Your post does bring to mind management of the household though. It's definitely a "his house, his kids" kind of situation. I actually think contributing in making a home together, even with his kids, is less burdensome/time consuming than the responsibilities of raising children. As for cleaning, I won't be their maid but I will help upkeep the home of course.

So, everytime the children do something that you don't like within the home, will you go to your husband and demand they change their ways?

 

Situation:

 

The two children start bickering as siblings all do. Your husband is cutting the lawn and you're with the children. Do you run outside and tell your husband to tell the childern to stop bickering or do you interfere? If you interfere and since you don't have authority over them, and they choose to ignore you, what will you do particularly if they turn violent with each other?

 

Parenting is a combination of carrot and stick, where stick isn't about enacting physical violence on them, rather enabling good behaviours with the understanding that there are age appropriate hard boundaries and once they exceed those hard boundaries, they're in trouble and will either lose privileges/toys or additional chores will be added.

[Tayla]

I absolutely have that aversion of being typecast according to someone's idea of step-mom. I don't want to assume any kind of step-mom role on myself. I think such a role needs to be discussed to fit the situation.

 

 

 

 

You just made me look of the legalities of being a step-mom, haha. Apparently (fortunately) it is not a role that is legally recognized. The parental responsibilities in this case do indeed fall on the biological mom and biological dad.

 

 

 

 

The thing is, my hands are free of responsibilities from these children. But the question is pressing. How am I going to help?

 

 

 

 

It will be really wonderful to be there with the kids, and for the kids, and develop our relationship together. But as far as relishing the responsibilites with the kids, I really have none to relish.

 

Though I'm sure there are unofficial responsibilites of being a step-mom that you can find somewhere.

 

NOw ...seriously, your response does deserve laughter! Thanks for making my day!

[nittygritty]

Well, it's difficult coming into a divorced family situation, no doubt. But it's common enough these days to where there has to be a remedy that works for everyone. I'm very aware of bitter and upset wives who are step-moms that feel neglected. I don't want to be that. I want to come up with something that works, that develops our relationship, that creates a home.

 

Addressing the dysfuction for it to function is what I'm rambling about now.

 

I am preparing part II of the conversation now. I just aired my feelings and random thoughts about it previously but we haven't communicated what we want in this regard.

 

I'll have to be sure that he gets that I'm not talking about rigid boundaries. I don't want to be rigid. I want to be open to having this work for everyone.

 

His kids are probably going to prefer that you are not around when they are there and that they have their dad all to themselves. At least until they figure out that you are intentionally not around when they are there because you don't want to be around them. Then they are not going to want their dad to be with you at all because you will be emotionally hurting them.

 

Even in the most ideal situations, there is less than a 50% percent chance of a marriage not ending in divorce. You clearly do not want to have anything to do with raising kids, so why are you marrying a man with kids?

 

You don't sound like someone who is ready to give very much of yourself to a marriage. Have the two of you had any premarital counseling? These are BIG issues that need to be resolved prior to signing a marriage contract. You also might consider going to individual counseling since these are your issues that you need to work through prior to getting married.

 

Put yourself in his kids "shoes" and imagine what it would be like growing up with having a stepmom that didn't want very much to do with you.

Edited August 19, 2011 by nittygritty

[turnera]

His kids are probably going to prefer that you are not around when they are there and that they have their dad all to themselves. At least until they figure out that you are intentionally not around when they are there because you don't want to be around them. Then they are not going to want their dad to be with you at all because you will be emotionally hurting them.

 

Yep. Exactly what I was thinking.

 

YOUR thinking is 100% about what YOU want, how YOU will feel, what YOU will do, but you're including 3 other people in this equation, and THEY each have their own viewpoints, desires, and intentions. Will yours be the only ones that matter?

[Art_Critic]

I just aired my feelings and random thoughts about it previously but we haven't communicated what we want in this regard.

 

If he is worth his salt then the conversation will end in a breakup unless you do some serious soul searching and changing of your expectations.

 

In my previous marriage I was a step father for 5 years to a little girl who had a father in her life and I can tell you from experience that the type of step parenting family you want doesn't exist.

 

You could do yourself a favor and get some couples counseling to prepare you for the marriage and the welding of the two families together.

Those kids will become the primary focus of the household, so you will be left feeling like the wicked old step mother when your type of parenting fails.

 

It might also help to read some books on blended families and how to best come together to raise the children and create a household where everyone including you is happy.

 

I also think you need to seriously look at and read the replies to this thread.. if you are smart then you will see that some changes are in order in your thinking.

 

Good luck...

[turnera]

Basically, what you want is a your fiance's 'soul' in the body of a man who's never been married and thus has no kids, so you can have him all to yourself. But, given (what I assume is) your age, that's unlikely to happen. So you have to settle. But you intend to make him compromise to the point of almost choosing you over them - not actually but allowing you to live a double life. You really think he's going to accept that? Or is he really ready to abandon his kids for you?