Author Ms. Joolie Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 Thank you everyone for the input. It has helped me to think this through bunches. Once all the conversations have taken place, I will let you all know what is agreed upon. Worst case scenario we don't agree in this and engagement is off. Best case scenario he wasn't looking for a third parent anyway and our relationship will grow stronger in marriage, as well as be something good for the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
bac Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 Worst case scenario we don't agree in this and engagement is off. Be careful you might hurt his feelings very badly with the conversation. He expects you to love his kids by now or he hopes you are going to love them in the future when you get closer to them and see how wonderful and special the kids are. Best case scenario he wasn't looking for a third parent anyway and our relationship will grow stronger in marriage, as well as be something good for the kids. From my experience, my ex did not want me to be a third parent because his kids were in early 20s. I thought it was impossible to get into troubles with his wonderful kids. But, one of the wondeful kids had enjoyed pot too much, then, the kid lost his job and got depressed, then, the kid asked his daddy to help him. Finally, the wonderful kid moved to my place to smoke pot, to get depressed, to enjoy unemployment and to do some other things to make my life very very difficult. When I told my husband that I was not able to handle the kid, he answered me that it was his responsibility to help his troubled kid. So, I was not a third parent, I was a guest in my own place with no freedoms and no rights. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 (edited) Honestly, this is the worst part. Yesterday, for example, I went with fiance to drop of kids at a birthday party about an hour away. We then spent time in the area together, picked up his kids and continued our day. It was their cousin's birthday party, their cousin from the ex-wife's side of the family. It's the oddest thing to be around her side of the family at all, as the new wife stepping in. Very uncomfortable. It's always like that at birthdays. When fiance's son or daughter have a party, the ex-wife and her family are there. Very uncomfortable, but I just have to shrug that one off. It's a kid's birthday, after all, for heaven's sake. I already pitch in when these events come around... picking up the cake, food prep, housecleaning, etc., whatever I can lend a hand in. Nothing will change on that front. The mom and dad always plan out these things together. I can always lend a hand. Her family will always be there. That's the case for birthday's anyway. When it come to holidays, the kids go back and forth between the mom and dad. They don't celebrate other holidays together. That would be weird.Joolie, this isn't even CLOSE to being the worst part. That's what we're trying to tell you. If they were 2 and 3, sure, go ahead. They are 10 and 12, right? They are MINI-ADULTS. You no longer can control them and put them in a corner with a toy and expect to have your romantic rendezvous. They have minds of their own, and their GOAL is to prove to themselves that their father loves them MORE than he loves you. You are not up to it. And it will ruin your marriage. And. more importantly, it will ruin those childrens' lives. Edited August 23, 2011 by turnera Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 I can't say I will relate to the protective feelings that come natural with parents for the children. I think a mom or dad's protective feelings will be dramatically different for their offspring than an adult's responsibility with a child or children. The key word I was trying to bring to you was whether or not the protective feelings will be inhibited. Talk to anyone with a bad step parent experience and this will be the under current which bought them the most frustration, even pain. To have someone inhibit their feelings towards you when you are a child is an awful experience. If you will be inhibiting feelings in order to avoid a parenting role, stay away. This could cause a lot of damage. If you are able to let the relationship grow based on their needs, not yours, and not inhibit any feelings.. I think you will be ok. That's it really. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
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