On trial or engaged?

[Miss S]

I need a sanity check. I'm "engaged to a man who asked me to marry him 2 years ago, I said yes, we dated 4 years prior to that. I moved in when we got engaged, and it was supposed to be a 6 month engagement. Then, he postponed it because my finances weren't good . I had to close my company, and still pay off the debts, he helped me a little, but I worked to pay them off. During that time, I didn't contribute much to the household.

 

He had some skeletons in the closet I discovered after our engagement. Now, I'm bitter, after 2 years, he says I am pressuring our relationship with talk about marriage all the time. He has a list of excuses, and " concerns", and expects me to make a happy life with him, after which we can plan the wedding - no definite time frame.

 

I thought we did plan it. I can't stop being bitter. Now I don't know if I should leave, and which comes first, the cart or the horse???

[magda]

I dunno, depending on what his "concerns" are... you could be 90 before you fix every problem there is. Marriage is about working together and accepting each other warts n all. So write up a prenupt and get over it.

 

Maybe you should move out until you get married. If you can make a happy life without him and not with him then that should show you which direction to go. Might make him realize he's being unrealistic.

[befuddled11]

What are these "skeletons" you found out about?

 

So doing the math, is it correct that you 2 have been together for a total of 6 yrs?

 

Sounds like he developed some "second thoughts" about the engagement/marriage thing, when you were going through your tough financial time...and maybe he's never gotten over them?

 

So it's sounds like now, he's got this lofty list of "concerns" and until he feels you have both worked through them, he doesn't want to discuss marriage.

 

Sounds like he's just making excuses? Or do his "concerns" have any validity to them?

 

How is your relationship? Your friendship? Do you get along good? Have common goals? Do you both contribute equally to the relationship? financially and otherwise?

 

If you feel his behavior is unfair and unjustified, then I agree with Magda...move out. If you're already "living like a married couple", why would he necessarily want to make the move to actually marry you? You've heard that saying, I'm sure, "Why buy the cow if the milk is free."

 

He needs to make a decision, after 6 yrs together.....and your desire to talk marriage after that length of time, based on what you've written, is definitely realistic. Who wants to continue in a long term relationship if it's not going anywhere? Especially after he DID propose marriage to you, 2 yrs ago. He's obviously not following through on his end of the deal.

 

You moved in with him once you got engaged, but it doesn't really SEEM like you're engaged...because he refuses to talk marriage...so move out. Don't make things so easy for him. Tell him you see no point continuing to live together, "playing house" when it doesn't seem to be going in the direction you previously agreed on.

[wildturkey]

When you get married the skeletons will become yours as well. Do you really want them? Being together sometimes is like being married. Your conduct and the love that unites couples is what gives the relationship its face value. Marriage is just a step up to share and rubber stamp the relationship. A prenut as advised above is not a bad idea. Ask and see his reaction.

[katie79]

He sounds like a bad idea, no offese. You should NEVER feel uncomfortable talking about when you are going to get married to your fiancee!! That's what engaement is for! Duh to him! Why would you bother to propose marriage if you are unsure of marrying that person? So, you have debt...so what? Big deal. This is Credit America honey, and after the recession and 9/11, many people lost their jobs had used the money they had to survive and credit cards & loans got put on the back-burner to survive! It's not like you are irresponsible or anything, you are in the process of fixing the problem. So who cares. Good luck for him to find someone not in debt. And since you say he has "skeltons in his closet", you are accepting his flaws, whatever they may be. We all accept each others flaws in relationships and work through them, that's what love is about! Since you already live with him, your finances are already put together and you are working through that just fine, why would marriage change that? When that situation arises, people usually get scared of their partners debt b/c they are afraid they wont be able to live together due to their debt and lack of caring to fix the problem. 4 years of dating is long enough (I am in that boat now!), and a 2 year engagement is way too long. A two-year engagement should have a wedding date set intially! In other words, you should have had your wedding already, or be getting married within the next couple months! Move out and tell him the relationship is NOT for you. If he doesn't set a wedding date and apologize, don't give him a second thought. Move on! A better man will come! I promise!