boyfriend is acting distant, unique situation

[rockchic]

My boyfriend is being distant...need advice!

I have a unique situation. I have been married for 4 years. We are completely miserable and he has been sleeping on the couch for the past 3 years. I have just sort of been dealing with it until I can afford to move out. I am in grad school and cannot afford anything until I can work full time. I am however, in the process of moving into my moms house for the time being. I unexpectedly met someone in class. He is incredible and we have been having a wonderful time together. He is nothing like my husband, but everything I would want in a man. Things have been going blissfully perfect for the past 3 months. I really honestly think he is who I am meant to be with and there is a reason we met. He understands the situation and knows I want to be with him. Then a few weeks ago we had the chance to be together overnight. Neither of us expected anything to happen, (we were both happy about spending extended time together) but it did. He has been acting weird to me ever since. He says it has nothing to do with that night. But I am not so sure. He said he has a lot of other things going on right now and that is why he is acting weird and it is just coincidence. He went from talking to me all day everyday, talking about our future, calling me his girlfriend, wanting to hang out all the time to nothing. I haven't talked to him in 2 days and haven't seen him in 5 days. I am trying to give him his space, I don't know what to do. I know he does have a lot of other things going on right now, but I just want to know what is going on with us. I go back and forth on if I should contact him or not. He said he would talk to me this week about his problems, but he hasn't and he isn't even talking to me just to say hi. I just want to know where we stand. He is not the type of person to just stop contact without explanation. So I am trying to give him the chance to explain things, but in the meantime I have been nauseous everyday dwelling and stressing over what it is. If he doesn't want to be with me that's cool, just tell me!!! I feel like I am in limbo, I can't get over him because there are so many loose ends hanging and I can't go on like everything is ok because it isn't. Any advice?

[Emme]

Does he know that you are married?

 

Now when are you getting a divorce?

 

I would advise you to not be in any relationships. Date if you are lonely but please don't jump from a marriage to a relationship. Take time to get yourself together and be happy with just you.

 

Do not call him. Back off. When he is ready to talk all you do is listen.

[rockchic]

Yes he knows I am married and has known from the very beginning. I kept warning him before getting involved with me so he knew everything and he kept saying he was fine with the situation.

 

I am currently moving in with my mom. I should have everything out by the weekend, then the divorce will begin.

 

I agree I don't want to be in a serious relationship immediately, but at the same time I have been married for 4 years, but we have been living complete separate lives for the past 3. I would go out and do my own thing and he would too. We work different times of day, I see him maybe once a week. We have pretty much been roommates this whole time with no romantic connection what so ever. I guess being with my new guy has made me realize how nice it is to be in a relationship, since it really has been years!

 

Thanks for the advice. I was planning on not contacting him until he is ready to talk to me.

[Quiet Storm]

Neither of us expected anything to happen, (we were both happy about spending extended time together) but it did. He has been acting weird to me ever since.

 

You hooked up with him too fast. He has put you in the f*buddy category. He doesn't see you as relationship material (you are married).

 

 

If he doesn't want to be with me that's cool, just tell me!!!

 

You SAY it's cool if he doesn't want to be with you... but your actions tell a different story...

 

I really honestly think he is who I am meant to be with and there is a reason we met.

 

He understands the situation and knows I want to be with him.

 

I have been nauseous everyday dwelling and stressing over what it is

 

 

He doesn't want to be with you, but he doesn't want to feel guilty about hurting you. He knows you really like him. Although he doesn't really care if you are upset (or else he wouldn't be treating you this way), he doesn't want to deal with your emotional reaction.

 

In other words, he is a coward.

 

He is trying to show you that he is not interested, but he is too weak to actually say the words to you. He figures if he dodges your calls and doesn't follow through with things, that your feelings for him will fade or you will get mad at him and move on, relieving his guilt.

 

The best way to interpret a man's intentions is to look at his actions, not his words.

[jwi71]

My boyfriend is being distant...need advice!

I have a unique situation. I have been married for 4 years. We are completely miserable and he has been sleeping on the couch for the past 3 years. I have just sort of been dealing with it until I can afford to move out. I am in grad school and cannot afford anything until I can work full time. I am however, in the process of moving into my moms house for the time being. I unexpectedly met someone in class. He is incredible and we have been having a wonderful time together. He is nothing like my husband, but everything I would want in a man. Things have been going blissfully perfect for the past 3 months. I really honestly think he is who I am meant to be with and there is a reason we met. He understands the situation and knows I want to be with him. Then a few weeks ago we had the chance to be together overnight. Neither of us expected anything to happen, (we were both happy about spending extended time together) but it did. He has been acting weird to me ever since. He says it has nothing to do with that night. But I am not so sure. He said he has a lot of other things going on right now and that is why he is acting weird and it is just coincidence. He went from talking to me all day everyday, talking about our future, calling me his girlfriend, wanting to hang out all the time to nothing. I haven't talked to him in 2 days and haven't seen him in 5 days. I am trying to give him his space, I don't know what to do. I know he does have a lot of other things going on right now, but I just want to know what is going on with us. I go back and forth on if I should contact him or not. He said he would talk to me this week about his problems, but he hasn't and he isn't even talking to me just to say hi. I just want to know where we stand. He is not the type of person to just stop contact without explanation. So I am trying to give him the chance to explain things, but in the meantime I have been nauseous everyday dwelling and stressing over what it is. If he doesn't want to be with me that's cool, just tell me!!! I feel like I am in limbo, I can't get over him because there are so many loose ends hanging and I can't go on like everything is ok because it isn't. Any advice?

 

Could be anything.

 

1) Maybe he got what he wanted and is moving on.

2) Maybe he decided you are too much drama after all

3) Maybe he met someone else

4) Maybe he has a GF and she is demanding more of his time

5) Maybe he is just simply busy

6) Maybe the sex was a let down for him and his out

7) Maybe he won the lottery

8) Maybe he is a space alien spy and its almost time to go back to the mysterious Planet X.

 

Could be anything.

 

Won't know unless you CALL HIM.

 

Or you can keep suffering...up to you really.

 

(I'd call though)

[MissBee]

Hey Rockchic:

 

Sorry for what yo're going through. I too have experienced "the disappearing act" and it is not a good feeling, as you already know. The nausea, anxiety and stress you speak of is very familiar to me.

 

I of course cannot say the real reason why he is being distant,but I have a feeling, and so do you, that it does have something to do with you guys and not simply external stress. Each and every time a man went from calling and seeing me a lot and making me know he cares, to mysteriously he is sooo busy, he is "stressed with work", "it's not you", and I don't hear from him....it is ALWAYS a bad sign and it never is as casual as they make it seem. Sure people get stressed etc, but when it's not about you, they go about their space in a very different way.

 

I know the feeling of being in limbo and wanting answers. I think you should call or email him telling him how you feel and ask him to be honest with you because you can handle it. If after that he still has no answer or ignores you, I think you should leave it alone and mourn the loss of what was. The truth may eventually come to light, but I've learned that chasing someone down when they're not volunteering info can be so demeaning to your self worth. It's very hard not to but having been in that situation a few times, I realize if someone doesn't respect me enough to be truthful then chasing them around to beat answers out of them won't increase the respect.

 

I hope things work out for you, but regardless, you'll be just fine. Goodluck!

[rockchic]

Well to be honest, he was the one who wanted it to be serious. He began calling me his girlfriend and telling everyone he was in a relationship. He kept asking me to stay with him and eventually move in with him once I was out of my house. From the beginning he said he wanted us to have a relationship and to take things slow. I think that it scared him when things progressed faster, but it was both of our decisions. I have tried to talk to him about things twice and he says it is complicated and he can't get into it right now. So I am trying to give him his space to work things out until he is ready to talk.

[rockchic]

Thanks for the advice. I did email him last week and said everything I had to say. He said he would respond this week after he was done moving. So I am giving him till the end of the week. If he doesn't respond, then he clearly doesn't care enough about me. I just hate the indefinite nature of the situation!

 

Hey Rockchic:

 

Sorry for what yo're going through. I too have experienced "the disappearing act" and it is not a good feeling, as you already know. The nausea, anxiety and stress you speak of is very familiar to me.

 

I of course cannot say the real reason why he is being distant,but I have a feeling, and so do you, that it does have something to do with you guys and not simply external stress. Each and every time a man went from calling and seeing me a lot and making me know he cares, to mysteriously he is sooo busy, he is "stressed with work", "it's not you", and I don't hear from him....it is ALWAYS a bad sign and it never is as casual as they make it seem. Sure people get stressed etc, but when it's not about you, they go about their space in a very different way.

 

I know the feeling of being in limbo and wanting answers. I think you should call or email him telling him how you feel and ask him to be honest with you because you can handle it. If after that he still has no answer or ignores you, I think you should leave it alone and mourn the loss of what was. The truth may eventually come to light, but I've learned that chasing someone down when they're not volunteering info can be so demeaning to your self worth. It's very hard not to but having been in that situation a few times, I realize if someone doesn't respect me enough to be truthful then chasing them around to beat answers out of them won't increase the respect.

 

I hope things work out for you, but regardless, you'll be just fine. Goodluck!

[MissBee]

Thanks for the advice. I did email him last week and said everything I had to say. He said he would respond this week after he was done moving. So I am giving him till the end of the week. If he doesn't respond, then he clearly doesn't care enough about me. I just hate the indefinite nature of the situation![/QUOTE]

 

Good idea.

 

He is FULLY aware of how things have been left, he is fully aware of you being confused, you've reached out, so now the ball is in his court completely. I feel like he is just stalling and keeps putting off speaking with you and will continue to do so.... It's so familiar. As quite honestly, what can be SOOOO complicated that you can't even at least reassure this person that you still care and so on? Usually not a darn thing!

 

The uncertainty is a pain, but if he doesn't come through at the end of the week...then you can take yourself out of limbo, mentally tell him to eff off and move forward.

 

Anyway rock, keep us updated! (((hugs)))

[rockchic]

Thanks again for everything! He texted me out of the blue last night and said sorry for being distant, you really don't deserve this. Then he told me he trying to find a new job and that he lost his. So that is what this was about. Now we are working on why it took him 3 weeks to talk to me about this. I am not ok with his lack of communication skills!! So we will see what happens from here!

[TurboGirl]

Rockchic,

 

YOU are married. This guy is single. He does not take you seriously. He knows that you are attached. You are fun on the side while he is looking for a real girlfriend.

 

So he texted you... that is just to keep you stringing there so he can have more sex when he wants it! And FYI, he is only your "ideal man" because you are not with him 24/7. Honey, we all have flaws.

 

Are you getting divorced? Have you talked with your H about separating?

[stillafool]

Besides the fact that you are married, it sounds like he didn't like the sex or there was something about it that turned him off.

[phillyfan]

My boyfriend is being distant...need advice!

I have a unique situation. I have been married for 4 years. We are completely miserable and he has been sleeping on the couch for the past 3 years. I have just sort of been dealing with it until I can afford to move out. I am in grad school and cannot afford anything until I can work full time. I am however, in the process of moving into my moms house for the time being. I unexpectedly met someone in class. He is incredible and we have been having a wonderful time together. He is nothing like my husband, but everything I would want in a man. Things have been going blissfully perfect for the past 3 months. I really honestly think he is who I am meant to be with and there is a reason we met. He understands the situation and knows I want to be with him. Then a few weeks ago we had the chance to be together overnight. Neither of us expected anything to happen, (we were both happy about spending extended time together) but it did. He has been acting weird to me ever since. He says it has nothing to do with that night. But I am not so sure. He said he has a lot of other things going on right now and that is why he is acting weird and it is just coincidence. He went from talking to me all day everyday, talking about our future, calling me his girlfriend, wanting to hang out all the time to nothing. I haven't talked to him in 2 days and haven't seen him in 5 days. I am trying to give him his space, I don't know what to do. I know he does have a lot of other things going on right now, but I just want to know what is going on with us. I go back and forth on if I should contact him or not. He said he would talk to me this week about his problems, but he hasn't and he isn't even talking to me just to say hi. I just want to know where we stand. He is not the type of person to just stop contact without explanation. So I am trying to give him the chance to explain things, but in the meantime I have been nauseous everyday dwelling and stressing over what it is. If he doesn't want to be with me that's cool, just tell me!!! I feel like I am in limbo, I can't get over him because there are so many loose ends hanging and I can't go on like everything is ok because it isn't. Any advice?

 

Dude, he was a playa, wanted 2 get u in bed, got u in bed, now hes moved on. The grass aint always greener, u cant say the dude is ur perfect guy n way better than ur husband wen he is just layin on the charm 4 a few weeks.

 

Anyway a bigger problem - u knew u werent happy and u aint done nothin 2 get outta the marriage for 3 YEARS?! That is crazy dude. Crazy.

[phillyfan]

Thanks again for everything! He texted me out of the blue last night and said sorry for being distant, you really don't deserve this. Then he told me he trying to find a new job and that he lost his. So that is what this was about. Now we are working on why it took him 3 weeks to talk to me about this. I am not ok with his lack of communication skills!! So we will see what happens from here!

 

No dude that aint wat it was about. We all go thru crap and we dont dump a girl or a guy ova it, its a big fat excuse. U know, he is a playa, u were married so he knew he cud have fun wit u, it is the ultimate no commitment aint it, hookin up with a married lady, she aint gona make demands.

 

Last thing - u want 2 meet a great guy? No matta wat he says 2 u, he aint gona hang around if u r married (no matter wat he says 2 ur face), he aint likely to respect u, n hes gona end up with anotha girl who aint married, who aint got baggage, who aint lyin to a man back home. Just start ova n do it properly.

[fooled once]

My boyfriend is being distant...need advice!

I have a unique situation. I have been married for 4 years. We are completely miserable and he has been sleeping on the couch for the past 3 years. I have just sort of been dealing with it until I can afford to move out. I am in grad school and cannot afford anything until I can work full time. I am however, in the process of moving into my moms house for the time being. I unexpectedly met someone in class. He is incredible and we have been having a wonderful time together. He is nothing like my husband, but everything I would want in a man. Things have been going blissfully perfect for the past 3 months. I really honestly think he is who I am meant to be with and there is a reason we met. He understands the situation and knows I want to be with him. Then a few weeks ago we had the chance to be together overnight. Neither of us expected anything to happen, (we were both happy about spending extended time together) but it did. He has been acting weird to me ever since. He says it has nothing to do with that night. But I am not so sure. He said he has a lot of other things going on right now and that is why he is acting weird and it is just coincidence. He went from talking to me all day everyday, talking about our future, calling me his girlfriend, wanting to hang out all the time to nothing. I haven't talked to him in 2 days and haven't seen him in 5 days. I am trying to give him his space, I don't know what to do. I know he does have a lot of other things going on right now, but I just want to know what is going on with us. I go back and forth on if I should contact him or not. He said he would talk to me this week about his problems, but he hasn't and he isn't even talking to me just to say hi. I just want to know where we stand. He is not the type of person to just stop contact without explanation. So I am trying to give him the chance to explain things, but in the meantime I have been nauseous everyday dwelling and stressing over what it is. If he doesn't want to be with me that's cool, just tell me!!! I feel like I am in limbo, I can't get over him because there are so many loose ends hanging and I can't go on like everything is ok because it isn't. Any advice?

 

He isn't that into you. I know you need to believe it was because he lost his job 3 weeks ago .... but since that time, he has had sex with you. If it was really bothering him that much, (the loss of the job), he wouldn't have had sex with you. Sorry, but he doesn't sound that invested in you; because a f buddy. I mean, he knows you are married and knows you haven't filed for divorce.

 

Does your H know you are dating? You say you only see him once a month.... I am shocked he has slept on the couch for 3 years. I have a hard time understanding that.

 

My advice; stop being so needy to the other man (he isn't your boyfriend...you have a husband. You can't logically have a boyfriend when you have a husband). Men like mystery; not women who need constant attention. Most men like semi-independent women; not someone who needs 24/7 attention.

 

Take care of your legal obligations, spend some time working on you and when those are done, then start to date.

 

I also believe people come into our lives for reasons; but I don't think he is in your life because he is "the one". Sounds like you want him to be "the one" but you need to get your life sorted first.