My dark story

[Erebus]

To the readers and the forum:

 

First off, I want to apologize to everyone for the creation of another somewhat dark topic.

I, like many others, am in a rather dark place in my life. Through what follows,however I hope to perhaps give people a better understanding of life as someone with chronic and severe depression.

 

My name, at the moment, should not matter. What I am should. I am a 23 year old male virgin with extremely severe ADD alongside SAS (seasonal affective disorder), Severe anxiety and what I am convinced is attachment anxiety disorder. I dropped out of college due to an agorophobia and depression episode, and currently find myself living in an apartment with my divorced sister (I was living at my parents house before that). I am severely addicted to Video games, likely as a result of my extreme mistrust of others (including family)

And my uncontrollable anxiety and fear of people I don't know.

 

This is my "story" of how I became what I am today.

 

It began when I was around seven and a half years old. That was when I first started taking antidepressant medication after a severe reaction to ridalin caused severe depressive episodes. This was at the behest of my mother, who had begun to undergo college a second time to go to med school and become a doctor. To the world, it seemed to work: I was complacent and quiet, shy yet well behaved. This was because of my "escaping" the cruelty of reality through video games, an addiction I suffer from this day.

 

Several months later, my mother went to med school when I was eight. My dad workedas well, so this left me and my sister to our own devices. My sister thrived in School yet failed in her social life. I failed at both. Frustrated and alone, all I wanted was to escape: to leap into a digital world of adventure filled with friends, hope and even love.

 

Things I did not feel in real life.

 

This pattern continued throughout my life, with no form of therapy or intervention working to keep me free of them. I didn't (and don't) care as long as I have them. For I can honestly say that I feel more human within video games then in real life.

 

For I "exist", but I do not "live".

 

This condition only worsened as time passed. When I was 16, my parents divorced in a bitter manner, their bitterness causing severe turmoil for me and my sister emotionally. My sister was diagnosed with PTSD from her severe arguments with my father. She escaped that by marrying her newley found boyfriend (who she would divorce a year later). I had no such escape, instead internalizing all the hate mother and father told me about each other. This hate that grew within me. First, I hated my father for being flawed. Then I hated my mother for selfishly chossing her dreams of self-righteousness that she put over the emotional needs of her children. The hate kept (and still is) growing until I finally just hated everything, including the greatest abomination I darin the world:

 

Me.

 

After years of torment, missed opportunities and failed chances to succeed, I have finally reached my limit. In my despair, as I look at the world around me and see nothing but despair. Why souls I exist in a world that I have so much contempt for? What awaits me other then lonliness and suffering as I temporarily try to escape a reality that has boxed me into an endless cycle of suffering? Wouldn't it be better to simply take control of when I die, the only absolute that I have any sway over, rather then prolong an empty existence filled with nothing but despair?

 

I have spent my life looking for something, ANYTHING to make me feel less alone and trapped in this vapid reality, with no avail. That's why I've come here, going I could find an answer that would give me even the slightest bit of strength In trying to survive in such a hostile and brutal world.

 

Do any of you have hope left to share? Im sorry for bringing this here, but Im honestly out of any feeling that ill ever feel better._

[bson1257]

I have social anxiety, depression and agoraphobia, so I can relate.

[esteem-jam]

I can relate to what you said. And you phrased it in a good style, I know it takes time.

My father- I dont like him because he is so useless, yet he scolded me when we were still living together. From years 1-18 I got maybe like 20 USD total of pocketmoney from him. Now Im older, I hate to admit it, I am 27. I, like you spent a lot of time in videogames, shooters and mmorpgs, I became quite skilled at aiming and stuff, but not that good and confident (self-esteem) to participate in any tournaments. Social anxiety? Sometimes I get it even in games, or forums, when I get this feeling I did something wrong or not like others, thus being outcast.

My looks is a mess, my financial situation is zero, unemployed.

I cant give you advice, cause I would not listen seriously myself to someone I did not respect, why would you respect me, cause I deal with same similar problems as you and have not found an answer yet

; just know there are people who deal with same ***t.

[Mme. Chaucer]

That is really sad. Truly, I feel a lot of empathy for you. I don't have the same issues that you do, but I have suffered from crippling depression and "self medicated" for years, ending up addicted to drugs, so I do think I know something of what you are going through.

 

I'm sorry, but I probably cannot offer you anything that you are wanting to hear. The truth is, that no matter how messed up your childhood and the package of traits you were born with might be, the only one who can make the first steps towards change is you.

 

You certainly need to talk to someone in person. A therapist would be great; if that's not possible there are many different kinds of support groups and even hot lines. You might benefit from getting on some medication (which I imagine you'll be resistant to, given your history) but maybe only for a short while to help lift you out of this black hole.

 

You also need some kind of routine in your life that is not dictated by you - someplace to be at specific times, with responsibilities. Do you have this now?

 

I know what it feels like to hate being alive, but do NOT give up. You have much time to make changes. You just need to reach out until you get the right kind of help.

[josie54]

I second others here who have said that the only way through depression is to reach outside of yourself and the shadows you've surrounded yourself with to get help. (Which is hard to do when you're suffering from depression, but it's absolutely 100% necessary). Visit a clinic, call a hotline, or reach out to friends, but get out of your routine.

 

I found speaking with a therapist incredibly helpful for my own depression. She worked with me using a system called Inner Family Systems (IFS) Therapy, which shows that your depression is separate from your true self. It's a protector that's trying to use dysfunctional patterns to protect you from some kind hurt or trauma that you perceive. But if you are able to separate from it, even briefly, you can try to understand why your depression is there and how to better channel it into healthier emotions. It seems so absolutely goofy at first, that I almost stopped seeing her. But suddenly, something about it clicked for me, and I was able to use it in a way that worked for me.

 

I suffered from depression for more than ten years and saw several therapists before I finally found this system. Whenever I'm starting to slip into it, I can now close my eyes and imagine my depression as its own person inside me, that I can separate from but still try to understand. I can then bring forward a more energetic self to help the darker self either step back or change shape into something calmer and more helpful to me. It sounds really weird, but it has really helped me control my depression and change my perceptions.

 

You might look into different treatments for depression, such as cognitive behavioral therapy or IFS, online and learn more about them. See if one resonates with you. Then, you could try to find someone who might work with you. If you don't have money to pay for therapy, you might be able to find a clinic or school that could work with you for reduced fees or even for free.

 

Or you might simply purchase highly reviewed books that specialize in different techniques to treat depression. It's not the ideal option, but if nothing else is available to you, books can help you teach yourself a few coping techniques. Working with a therapist is ideal, but a book is better than nothing. I use one IFS book by Jay Earley for help, now that I'm no longer seeing a therapist.

 

I hope you can take action. You deserve to live your life in a lighter place. People are rooting for you. Good luck.

[Forever Learning]

Hello! I have felt some of the feelings you are feeling. Between everyone around this forum, you will find you are not alone in your experiences, even though you may not have an identical 'twin' here, there are lots of people who have experienced similar stuff.

 

It's great that you found your way here. Maybe it can be a first step for you in social interaction.

 

Being totally by yourself with no one to talk to, will make you feel crazy.

 

Here's another idea. How about you join in on commenting on different threads, even if it is just a one or two sentence comment.

 

Helping others will make you feel good, and alive again. After some time, you will find yourself making some cyber friends here. That is a good feeling too.

 

Keep researching online regarding steps you can take for your agoraphobia. Once you are able to physically become a small part of the outside world, you will really be rocking and rolling.

 

So making even small progress on that front will be a biggie. You could start a thread regarding your daily progress on that. You will probably really benefit from some medication to help you get over the hump on this one.

 

You reached out here because you don't want to go on this way. So don't. Figure out what small actions you can take, including getting medication, to help yourself take further small steps towards rebuilding your life.

 

Remember, you are not aiming for perfection! Just small steps at anything better than where you are at now. Once you make these small steps, then another small goal can be set. It's all a matter of digging yourself out of the hole you fell in, way back when you were at the tender age of 7. Falling in that hole, was not your fault. But you can climb out, bit by bit.

 

Rome was not built in a day.

 

Consider highly obese people who lose alot of weight. That takes time, and daily effort. You can do it. Keep us posted daily, that will help you stay accountable in moving forwards, a little bit, every day.

 

Getting on an anti-depressant sounds like a good idea, can you see a doctor to get one? I couldn't tell if you were currently taking one or not.

 

Also, are you exercising daily? At least for an hour? This is essential for your brain activity, in order to feel your best mood wise.

 

Also, are you eating right? All of this effects your mood.

 

Are you taking a multi-vitamin? I could go on and on. Let me know.

[Erebus]

First off, I would like to thank everyone for their support and responses. I feel a little better off after having read the comments here. With that said, I want to tell you all that after having looked over your forums the work you do here is, in my opinion, an extremely honorable service. Don't let anyone, even me, tell you otherwise.

 

As a response, I don't wish to sound ungrateful, but many solutions to my problem are things I have already tried. I have been on antidepressants for quite some time now, and unfortunately they have only proven to be somewhat effective. As of now, I am willing to admit I'm on zoloft and a perscription drug called vynase (a class 2 stimulant that is rather difficult to be taking, considering how strict the regulation is on it being perscribed). While they do combat the rather nasty things quite well, it is a double edged sword: For while I am able to have more upbeat emotions, it doesn't regulate my emotional control well. Moreover, It causes rather severe sleeping problems and taking it at the same time every morning has become difficult due to my chaotic job situation (found a job as a security guard, but my shift has changed up since I joined three weeks ago.)

 

As angry as I am about this, however, I can't just heap on the blame anywhere and everywhere that I feel I have been wronged in life with. No, that would not only be a rather convenient lie to myself, but it would not mesh well with the one constant factor in my life that has always been present in terms of my issues: Me. My contempt stems from two personal flaws of mine:

 

1. My perception of the events in my life. I have viewed many of them as victimizing me, which has caused me to fall into the trap of feeling like a "victim" in many circumstances. this is a dangerous thing because a victim mentality allows people to create justifications and barriers as to any and all of their actions and feelings (I am no exception to this) which not only causes themselves pain, but can be a terrible barrier to productive change. A perfect example of this in history was the germans before World War II. Feeling like "victims" after World War I, it could be argued that their victim mindset caused them to adopt an aggressive nationalistic stance that ultimately led to the formation of the Nazi party.

 

2. The fact that I really have a strong dislike for myself. If I was a religious man, and I had to say what my greatest sin was, I would overwhelmingly state "guilt". I've spent my entire life rationalizing and distancing myself from feelings in general due to my poor self control over them. As a result, I have become highly reactionary/defensive, critical of myself and downplaying my accomplishments (not that I have any that I can say I am particularly proud of).

 

Looking back, I guess I've always had a strong desire to be the "cold guy": The one guy whose always calm and collected, doesn't let his emotions get the better of him and lives a logical and calculated life. The problem is that as much as I don't want to feel strong emotions, they are an irrefutable part of being a human being. I've run away from them my entire life using video games (particularly online ones) and isolation. Moreover, I've not been exercising and eating particularly well due to a rather heavy dislike I have for vegtables and the fact that my meds can affect my appetite and heart rate rather erratically.

 

How ironic it is that I chose the name "Erebus" as an alias. Being the name of the god of chaos in greek mythology, it somewhat reflects how I feel about my life. I exist, but find myself ultimately surrendering control to a chaotic and often harsh perception of reality rather then face myself and the truth in order to fix my life. Its a realization that really causes me to lose faith in myself...

[Eve]

I would read up on 'flow experiences' if I were you as a first step. Aim for at very least five flow experiences per day. Permit only one to be based on gaming. Be creative.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_experience

 

I have had some experience of being without hope and would say that letting the past die was my only way out. I did this at age 25 and never looked back. My former experiences were quite severe and in the end the boredom of it all forced me to leave it alone and do something else.

 

Look outward. Aim to enjoy the simple, free things in life. Re-write your story. Value yourself. Seek out a spiritual meaning. Help others without wanting to take the credit. See life as a puzzle rather than an internalised distraction.. and you will rise above this current state. It is guaranteed that you will. If you remain in this current state, the associated feelings are also guaranteed.

 

It is a conscious choice. Get that and you can free yourself.

 

Keep close to your Doctor.

 

All the best,

Take care,

Eve x

Edited August 21, 2011 by Eve

[Lovelybird]

Hi Erebus, you despise yourself because your parents failed to love you in a right way? What did you mean that your mom values self-righteousness over feelings?

 

Sounds like you pick yourself apart, and expect yourself to be perfect? otherwise you cannot love yourself? Nobody is perfect, can you imagine someone can love you in spite of your faults and weaknesses? Can you give yourself some care and love when others cannot? because all of us encounter such moment.

 

What are the fears you toward other people ? are these fears rooted in reality or in your imagination?

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[Erebus]

Look outward. Aim to enjoy the simple, free things in life. Re-write your story. Value yourself. Seek out a spiritual meaning. Help others without wanting to take the credit. See life as a puzzle rather than an internalised distraction.. and you will rise above this current state. It is guaranteed that you will. If you remain in this current state, the associated feelings are also guaranteed.

 

It is a conscious choice. Get that and you can free yourself.

 

Keep close to your Doctor.

 

All the best,

Take care,

Eve x

 

This is an extremely good idea. I'll have to read over it and start looking into it, since after looking over this I can honestly say it has given me more hope then anything else anyone I know in person has told me to try. With that said, Keeping close to my doctor is ironically a highly difficult issue, as at the moment my stepfather and my mother are my primary-care physician. Needless to say, as much as I love him (or at least the closest approximation to love that I think I can feel) dealing with him can be stressful, likely since objectivity is out the window.

 

There aren't many primary care physicians that I know of in the area, though it is something I need to look into. I only can pray that I find a doctor not connected to my parents: Having my psychiatrist be someone who is connected to them is already stressful enough. I used to see a therapist on a bi-weekly basis, but unfortunately my father and mother had disputes about paying for due to the insurance situation and I have not been able to see my therapist since the two then proceeded to dump dealing with the med insurance company on me (I have enough difficulty keeping up with small things like taking out the trash, how the hell am I supposed to keep track of things as complicated as medical insurance when I work 10+ hours a day).

 

Honestly, the therapist issue along with a host of unpleasent memories of things that my family has said to me has made interacting with my parents stressful beyond belief. I sometimes have trouble just looking at or talking to my mother and stepfather, as the uncontrolled emotions I feel just seem to overwhelm me.

 

Hi Erebus, you despise yourself because your parents failed to love you in a right way? What did you mean that your mom values self-righteousness over feelings?

 

Sounds like you pick yourself apart, and expect yourself to be perfect? otherwise you cannot love yourself? Nobody is perfect, can you imagine someone can love you in spite of your faults and weaknesses? Can you give yourself some care and love when others cannot? because all of us encounter such moment.

 

What are the fears you toward other people ? are these fears rooted in reality or in your imagination?

 

I can't even really remember an exact reason why I despise myself. All I know is that I feel a constantly mutating sense of self-loathing. I'm not even sure that it was my parents fault for not "loving me in the right way". I feel that my parents did not love me in a productive way, but that doesn't matter if there isn't any evidence to back it up.

 

As for picking myself apart...I really can't disagree with you there. Loving others despite their faults is something I think I can do, but I'm not even sure how to measure what to approximate love as.

 

I donn't think I can love myself. I'm too fargone into this "broken" existence to. All these negative emotions of mine have made me rotten: they have broken core components of my psych and sense of self to be repaired by me, and I cannot ask anyone to fix me. I guess this leads up to the one thing I've been so afraid to admit, either in writing or in word:

 

For most of my life, I have really wanted to die.

 

Since I was in high school, I've wanted to just disappear from the world as if I had never existed. I knew, however, that depression, suicidal tendancies and such are so severely frowned upon in society. So much so that if people know about these feelings it could destroy your life.

 

In this current state of affairs, both in the world and on a personal level, autonomy is the king. If you can get a job in this hellish economy and support yourself, you've passed the test of being a productive human being. I have trouble remembering simple things like taking my medicine in the morning, or bringing my ID card to work. moverover, I don't have a college degree and I can't afford to rent a place on my own, so I live with my sister.

 

If people found out that I'm as mentally ill as I am, then I would likely be shunned as being "Deficient", "weak" , "pathetic" and other such derogatory words. I might be mistreated at my job and bullied into quiting, or simply be fired outright when the time for cuts inevitably comes.

 

Moreover, how could anyone love me when I hate myself so much? during my life, I have had a lot of crushes, but I knew I could never act upon them due to how damaged I was: If these women knew I suffered from depression, they would likely leave me too if they found someone more stable and to their liking.

 

As a result, the one thing I wanted to believe that could save me, "love", is sometihng I'm not sure I'll ever be able to experience. I'm just too hardened and damaged to feel it in a productive manner. I could care less about my own feelings, but I don't want to love someone if I know that I am broken and would simply cause them more pain through my interactions with them.

 

That leaves me alone, isolated, afraid, and in more emotional turmoil then I thought was possible. as a result , my desire to see the end of my life has become something different. I don't want to just kill myself or hurt anyone else, but I can't continue on like this. What my real "goal" has become is quite simple:

 

Find something worth fighting for, and do everything in your power to fight for it. Maybe, if there is a cosmic force such as god out there, he'll take mercy on me and finally give me peace in death if I die for something worth dying for. I know, this isn't what you guys want to hear, but I just don't know who to tell anymore. My family, my co-worker, my psychiatrist, my therapist...I don't think any of them would understand such a grim goal, and would instead chose to try to shame and hurt me with words and scare me out of it. In the end, I just don't want to hurt like this anymore. I'm tired of just existing: either I can live my life and feel alive, or I want to feel the comforting embrace of death take me from a society that has such contempt for people like me. Sorry, I don't mean for this generalization to apply to you, but unfortunately it is a generalization I have experienced firsthand to be somewhat true

Edited August 22, 2011 by Erebus

[Eve]

This is an extremely good idea. I'll have to read over it and start looking into it, since after looking over this I can honestly say it has given me more hope then anything else anyone I know in person has told me to try. With that said, Keeping close to my doctor is ironically a highly difficult issue, as at the moment my stepfather and my mother are my primary-care physician. Needless to say, as much as I love him (or at least the closest approximation to love that I think I can feel) dealing with him can be stressful, likely since objectivity is out the window.

 

There aren't many primary care physicians that I know of in the area, though it is something I need to look into. I only can pray that I find a doctor not connected to my parents: Having my psychiatrist be someone who is connected to them is already stressful enough. I used to see a therapist on a bi-weekly basis, but unfortunately my father and mother had disputes about paying for due to the insurance situation and I have not been able to see my therapist since the two then proceeded to dump dealing with the med insurance company on me (I have enough difficulty keeping up with small things like taking out the trash, how the hell am I supposed to keep track of things as complicated as medical insurance when I work 10+ hours a day).

 

Honestly, the therapist issue along with a host of unpleasent memories of things that my family has said to me has made interacting with my parents stressful beyond belief. I sometimes have trouble just looking at or talking to my mother and stepfather, as the uncontrolled emotions I feel just seem to overwhelm me.

 

 

 

I can't even really remember an exact reason why I despise myself. All I know is that I feel a constantly mutating sense of self-loathing. I'm not even sure that it was my parents fault for not "loving me in the right way". I feel that my parents did not love me in a productive way, but that doesn't matter if there isn't any evidence to back it up.

 

As for picking myself apart...I really can't disagree with you there. Loving others despite their faults is something I think I can do, but I'm not even sure how to measure what to approximate love as.

 

I donn't think I can love myself. I'm too fargone into this "broken" existence to. All these negative emotions of mine have made me rotten: they have broken core components of my psych and sense of self to be repaired by me, and I cannot ask anyone to fix me. I guess this leads up to the one thing I've been so afraid to admit, either in writing or in word:

 

For most of my life, I have really wanted to die.

 

Since I was in high school, I've wanted to just disappear from the world as if I had never existed. I knew, however, that depression, suicidal tendancies and such are so severely frowned upon in society. So much so that if people know about these feelings it could destroy your life.

 

In this current state of affairs, both in the world and on a personal level, autonomy is the king. If you can get a job in this hellish economy and support yourself, you've passed the test of being a productive human being. I have trouble remembering simple things like taking my medicine in the morning, or bringing my ID card to work. moverover, I don't have a college degree and I can't afford to rent a place on my own, so I live with my sister.

 

If people found out that I'm as mentally ill as I am, then I would likely be shunned as being "Deficient", "weak" , "pathetic" and other such derogatory words. I might be mistreated at my job and bullied into quiting, or simply be fired outright when the time for cuts inevitably comes.

 

Moreover, how could anyone love me when I hate myself so much? during my life, I have had a lot of crushes, but I knew I could never act upon them due to how damaged I was: If these women knew I suffered from depression, they would likely leave me too if they found someone more stable and to their liking.

 

As a result, the one thing I wanted to believe that could save me, "love", is sometihng I'm not sure I'll ever be able to experience. I'm just too hardened and damaged to feel it in a productive manner. I could care less about my own feelings, but I don't want to love someone if I know that I am broken and would simply cause them more pain through my interactions with them.

 

That leaves me alone, isolated, afraid, and in more emotional turmoil then I thought was possible. as a result , my desire to see the end of my life has become something different. I don't want to just kill myself or hurt anyone else, but I can't continue on like this. What my real "goal" has become is quite simple:

 

Find something worth fighting for, and do everything in your power to fight for it. Maybe, if there is a cosmic force such as god out there, he'll take mercy on me and finally give me peace in death if I die for something worth dying for. I know, this isn't what you guys want to hear, but I just don't know who to tell anymore. My family, my co-worker, my psychiatrist, my therapist...I don't think any of them would understand such a grim goal, and would instead chose to try to shame and hurt me with words and scare me out of it. In the end, I just don't want to hurt like this anymore. I'm tired of just existing: either I can live my life and feel alive, or I want to feel the comforting embrace of death take me from a society that has such contempt for people like me. Sorry, I don't mean for this generalization to apply to you, but unfortunately it is a generalization I have experienced firsthand to be somewhat true

 

Erebus, in short I would say that much of what you are saying boils down to -

 

1. You have not found a hard reflection of yourself (as yet) which you like in this world.

 

2. You do not particularily like this world anyway.

 

3. You feel that your parents have not loved you and nurtured you.

 

4. You want to do better but feel inadequate.

 

5. You have energy but are unsure where to direct this energy as the rewards are often unsatisfactory.

 

This is what I am getting from what you have written.

 

Yeah, feeling that!

 

I suppose I got out of my 'spiral' by focusing on the aspect which had most disturbed me. This simply exists as, living as I would like to be treated. The down side to this was that I was a bit of a doormat for a time. The second lesson learned from this was to sometimes let everything go to **** and not feel responsible for everything. That was the harder challenge.

 

So, at nearly 40, I and can honestly say that the main thing that helped me to now live a pretty good life has been to find, sustain and finish key interests; hence the flow experience angle initially bought to your attention. I had to also learn to listen to myself when I feel that someone is not a good person and still to respond as I would like to be treated, (unless they are dangerous, in which case, I run)

 

Over time I developed key things which I have found that I am good at and as awkward as I was initially, I just kept going... I took full responsibility for my own actions and after a time the state of transparency that I felt so astutely diminished. It is still there to a degree but is now a marker, not a dominant feature as it was before.

 

Now people do not believe that anything was ever actually wrong with me, lol. Which is pretty funny as I was so weak.

 

All in all, treat this as a transition.

 

I am not sure about the angle of your parents being primary care physicians. What does that mean? Is it like they are Doctors? Or is it like they are your carers?

 

I am glad that you have a Psychiatrist. He should not tell your parents anything about what is said in session. Plus you have access to meds, which do help some people. It seems to me that you have really big trust issues and these issues reflect back onto yourself a lot.

 

Obviously, I can only speak for myself but would say that my trust issues could only be faced at an angle. I had to build up myself first and in having something to protect and aim for could I let my past die and so stop trying to kill myself. Funny thing is in letting it die it all made more sense in retrospect and became like a form of wisdom. Who knew that would happen?

 

Just wondering, do you have anything that you feel grateful for in your life?

 

Do you read biographies at all? Reading biographies opened my mind and emotions a lot..

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Lovelybird]

I know, this isn't what you guys want to hear, but I just don't know who to tell anymore. My family, my co-worker, my psychiatrist, my therapist...I don't think any of them would understand such a grim goal, and would instead chose to try to shame and hurt me with words and scare me out of it. In the end, I just don't want to hurt like this anymore. I'm tired of just existing: either I can live my life and feel alive, or I want to feel the comforting embrace of death take me from a society that has such contempt for people like me. Sorry, I don't mean for this generalization to apply to you, but unfortunately it is a generalization I have experienced firsthand to be somewhat true

Erebus, you are quite talented to write some deep complicated feelings:). A good way to go, just express whatever you feel. It seems like you are fearfull to express them somehow. Have your parents disencouraged you for expressing your negative feelings? Feelings are part of your existence, no reason to feel shamed of them.

 

So, now you don't feel like living your life and feel alive? then what can make you feel like living your life and alive?

 

I remember I had this same thought long time ago, just felt i never existed, I did things what others expected me to do, I didn't follow my own heart, that was why I felt like an empty shell, and the world was ready to crash me. I felt like even if I try to show the real me, others will reject my thoughts, feelings, doings.

 

I didn't know there is someone who has similar thoughts

[Eve]

Erebus, you are quite talented to write some deep complicated feelings:). A good way to go, just express whatever you feel. It seems like you are fearfull to express them somehow. Have your parents disencouraged you for expressing your negative feelings? Feelings are part of your existence, no reason to feel shamed of them.

 

So, now you don't feel like living your life and feel alive? then what can make you feel like living your life and alive?

 

I remember I had this same thought long time ago, just felt i never existed, I did things what others expected me to do, I didn't follow my own heart, that was why I felt like an empty shell, and the world was ready to crash me. I felt like even if I try to show the real me, others will reject my thoughts, feelings, doings.

 

I didn't know there is someone who has similar thoughts

 

Yeah, I agree Lovelybird. He is eloquent..

 

As well as to keep talking here, maybe keeping a journal would help him out? Don't know if you have tried that LB? It is pretty eye opening stuff, especially as ones faith in life grows.

 

H'mmm.. in keeping a journal, looking back can become very enlightening rather than feeling empty.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Lovelybird]

Yeah, I agree Lovelybird. He is eloquent..

 

As well as to keep talking here, maybe keeping a journal would help him out? Don't know if you have tried that LB? It is pretty eye opening stuff, especially as ones faith in life grows.

 

H'mmm.. in keeping a journal, looking back can become very enlightening rather than feeling empty.

 

Take care,

Eve x

Yes, I am keeping a journal, and there are pretty intense conversations with God, even anger toward Him, and He knows the darkest parts of me and I still feel accepted by HIm. I believe He wants to hear the real feelings and thoughts from me instend of pretending everything is fine

 

Erebus, sometimes people try to reject your feelings and thoughts, most of time because they fear their own and don't know how to deal with them, not because your feelings are shameful. If you don't feel loved enough, of course you will feel some dark feelings.

 

and I still have this same question: what will make you feel alive?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Part of depression is that the answer to every possible solution is "no."

 

That's why you'll need to decide upon some course of action (I'm talking about simple acts, like taking a walk every single day) and NEVER allow yourself to fail to perform whatever it is because of how you're feeling emotionally.

[Erebus]

Greetings.

 

Sorry for my absence, but I've been trying to sort things out by just getting through another work week. That, and making it through hurricane weekend without going crazy in case I lost internet (which I didn't).

 

As for your comments, a Journal would be good idea. Chaucer seems to have a good understanding of depression from my point of view. I guess the real problem for me comes in the form that I can't really seperate myself from my emotions. I'm not really sure I was ever able to in the first place. As for failing, my failures have indeed stemmed from my feelings. I guess I just can't let go of things.

 

I just have too much hatred and rage built up inside me to really just walk away from it. Every time I look in a mirror, I realize just how much I'm angry at everything around me without any logical reason. That all stems from how angry I am at myself. Normally, this would be something that people could change, but I've unfortnately gone far to long down a path of self-hatred to really change: I have too much fear of more rejection, as I reject myself everyday and wish that I was someone else. That kind of rejection really changes you.

 

I think its really turned me into a horrible monster. If my parents had so much hatred of each other in their divorce, what will a girl think of me if she doesn't like me once we start dating? or if I somehow wind up married and then get divorced? If my family, who are the people who are supposed to be the most compassionate to me are so savage, could anyone else be different?

 

I just don't understand people or feelings anymore. Not in the normal sense, at least. I guess thats why I've become so obsessed with ultimately finding something worth dying for: If I do die for something, then at least I can rest knowing that even my flawed existence ultimately served some positive purpose. the rot has ultimately become too great within me to be salvaged: all I can do is ease the pain of my inevitable passing for myself and others as best I can (and hope that I am not driven into murderous madness before then.)

 

As for god, I have a good deal of anger for him as well. Why would anyone make a person like me? Someone who walks with a heart of resentment twoard himself and everything around him? Is it some kind of karma? did I do something so foul in a past life that an almighty being such as himself would curse me wth such irrational hatred?

 

All this has led me to realize that this is something I will have to confront him on if I am fortunate enough to give my life to a noble cause. I'm not going to kill myself, if only to deprive my maker of the satisfaction I think he might feel for such an act. I'm going to live what little life I can live until the time finally comes when I'm freed from hating everything (with or without reason). Then I'll at least be able to stand tall as I meet my maker, whoever it may be.

 

Perhaps I will even get a chance to repay him in kind. For any god that takes pleasure in my suffering is not a god worth having faith in.

[Seixetriono]

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[Eve]

Greetings.

 

Sorry for my absence, but I've been trying to sort things out by just getting through another work week. That, and making it through hurricane weekend without going crazy in case I lost internet (which I didn't).

 

As for your comments, a Journal would be good idea. Chaucer seems to have a good understanding of depression from my point of view. I guess the real problem for me comes in the form that I can't really seperate myself from my emotions. I'm not really sure I was ever able to in the first place. As for failing, my failures have indeed stemmed from my feelings. I guess I just can't let go of things.

 

I just have too much hatred and rage built up inside me to really just walk away from it. Every time I look in a mirror, I realize just how much I'm angry at everything around me without any logical reason. That all stems from how angry I am at myself. Normally, this would be something that people could change, but I've unfortnately gone far to long down a path of self-hatred to really change: I have too much fear of more rejection, as I reject myself everyday and wish that I was someone else. That kind of rejection really changes you.

 

I think its really turned me into a horrible monster. If my parents had so much hatred of each other in their divorce, what will a girl think of me if she doesn't like me once we start dating? or if I somehow wind up married and then get divorced? If my family, who are the people who are supposed to be the most compassionate to me are so savage, could anyone else be different?

 

I just don't understand people or feelings anymore. Not in the normal sense, at least. I guess thats why I've become so obsessed with ultimately finding something worth dying for: If I do die for something, then at least I can rest knowing that even my flawed existence ultimately served some positive purpose. the rot has ultimately become too great within me to be salvaged: all I can do is ease the pain of my inevitable passing for myself and others as best I can (and hope that I am not driven into murderous madness before then.)

 

As for god, I have a good deal of anger for him as well. Why would anyone make a person like me? Someone who walks with a heart of resentment twoard himself and everything around him? Is it some kind of karma? did I do something so foul in a past life that an almighty being such as himself would curse me wth such irrational hatred?

 

All this has led me to realize that this is something I will have to confront him on if I am fortunate enough to give my life to a noble cause. I'm not going to kill myself, if only to deprive my maker of the satisfaction I think he might feel for such an act. I'm going to live what little life I can live until the time finally comes when I'm freed from hating everything (with or without reason). Then I'll at least be able to stand tall as I meet my maker, whoever it may be.

 

Perhaps I will even get a chance to repay him in kind. For any god that takes pleasure in my suffering is not a god worth having faith in.

 

Wow, not much I can say to the above! This seems like a case of accepting that you have a psychiatric illness babes. I can't really say owt else as I feel like it won't really benefit you, like you may only feel pressured or something.

 

Just note though that if this is how you come across on the internet, how it will be for others in real life. Especially when you hint at murder. That is not acceptable... no matter what.

 

It is like the negative thoughts you have about your parents have become inverted towards yourself. Or maybe you had these thoughts before, or something. I would ask your psychiatrist what you could do to help yourself and see what he suggests. Ask for reading material so you can understand what is happening for yourself and maybe ask him to help you to get linked in with a therapy group.

 

The main thing I would suggest is to avoid too much isolation.

 

Really hope you find peace enough to let go off this burden and go on to better things.

 

Take care,

Eve x