Update: MM upset about single OW dating

[So Very Confused]

I had gone NC with the MM and started dating other men. I told the MM that was what I was going to do and he got so upset about it I decided the only thing to do was go NC. He’s still married and it seems unfair that I can’t date. I understand that sleeping with more than one person would be a huge no no, but that wasn’t the case.

 

 

 

So after a few days of NC the MM desperately wants to talk. We talked and he agreed to accept that I was going to see other people and that I would tell him when or if anything ever became physical with anyone else. I had dates, I was vague about who, what and where. He successfully monopolized my time for the entire week and was as sweet and caring as you could ever hope for so I got suckered back in. I had a date for Friday night but the MM called on Thursday and said he wanted to spend the weekend with me and wanted to know if I had any plans for the weekend. I told him I was going to a play on Friday with some friends but that I was free the rest of the weekend. He said he wanted to stay and see me. So after the play, I went to his apartment and stayed there the rest of the weekend. He was quite suspicious and kept asking if I had a date and stupidly I told him I was with a friend. I don’t know why I lied and I can’t justify it. Anyway, the MM watched me walk into the play with my date and questioned me about it Saturday and wanted to know if it was someone I had previously been out with and I again stupidly denied it.

 

 

The rest of the weekend was great. Great sex. Great company. Great time enjoying each other’s company. Lots of good talks. By the end of the weekend, I had decided I didn’t want to date anyone else and I didn’t want to drag any innocent people into the situation until I was ready to break it off completely with the MM. The MM told me he was going to get a divorce and that we would be together. He even told me he had thought of buying me a promise type ring for my birthday but was now reconsidering because he didn’t trust me.

 

 

The MM has been acting stressed all week. Not sleeping. Accusing me of lying, etc. all week. Finally today he took me to lunch and told me he had looked at my phone while I was in the shower Saturday and looked at my Facebook page, read my texts, read my emails, etc. He feels betrayed. To be honest I haven’t been honest about everything. I didn’t feel like my dating life was any of his business. I still don’t.

 

 

I should feel outraged that my privacy was invaded but mostly I feel hurt. I feel terrible that he feels like I betrayed him. I guess I did lie to him. I told him I was going with a friend and I went with a date. I’m so shaken, I can’t even decide if he’s justified or not. I feel like this is really the end of our relationship and it hurts so bad. It’s been a roller coaster the last month and I felt like the weekend was a big high and now I’m at the bottom. I didn’t want it to end this way.

 

 

I guess I don’t have a question. I’m not sure what I need. I’d like an honest opinion on the situation. What’s wrong with me that I am so devastated and feel so awful? Why do I feel like a terrible person? Why does it matter who ended it or why?

[26pointblue]

This whole situation is so messed up. I was in one a lot like it-- my xMM was a lot like yours. He was jealous, insecure, & at times quite stalkerish. All the while being married. It's not right of them, & it's not right of us [to ourselves] to put up with it.

 

You DO have the right to have a normal dating life. That means not being with a jealous, possessive married man. You are doing yourself a huge disservice by tying yourself down to someone who isn't truly available to you. [Let alone stalkerish & controlling -- he has no right to do that!!!]

 

Please, give yourself a chance for real love & a normal relationship. If he really wants to be with you, that will give him all the more incentive to get his crap together & do what is necessary to be with you the right way. If not, you will be free to find someone available to you.

 

I didn't want to let my xMM go, I had so much hope, & thought it would all be worth it. Only now after I have had quite some time apart from him [i've been completely & truly NC for over 3 months] do I see how truly messed up the situation was & how I was short-changing myself of what I truly wanted & deserved, & how I was giving him all my power. Plus, I finally realized after I went through a lot of pain that I didn't even want to be with a guy who could so easily lie to his wife, lie to me, drag me on his leash for so long making false promises & not carrying through & being indecisive, & being jealous of me for acting on the times when he couldn't decide/do what it took to be with me . . . it was hell. I am so glad I am out of that hell. I have been dating single guys & it is so much better. I've met a guy who truly likes me & is truly available for me . . . but more than that, I have learned how to love myself & not settle for less than I deserve. I am not trying to preach to you but to try to get you to see that something way better waits for you if you get out of this situation with your MM. Dating before that is pointless . . . as you're finding out -- your heart isn't in it, you feel bad for the guys you're dating, you have to lie to your MM & to the single guys, so you're becoming just like MM & it isn't who you really are. Be true to yourself & only in a relationship where you can be open & honest. I know it's hard because you have feelings for him & time invested, but it's the only way out [at least that's what I believe & what finally worked for me]. Good luck.

[ShatteredReality]

Affairs rarely end well. I'm sure you've heard that before. It's like a roller coaster with no brakes and you know the track just ends somewhere along the line - you don't know when or where it'll end, but you know it will.

 

You lied to him, he lies to his wife, he has more than likely lied to you - it's a vicious circle. You can openly admit to him that you felt you deserved your privacy and that's why you didn't openly admit things to him - you can explain to him that while he's married to his wife you feel you're only getting half of a relationship....you can openly tell him that it hurts you to know he goes home to her and keeps you hidden away - a secret. Secret love is only fun in the beginning, then after awhile it's just painful. Admit to him you're hurting and that dating other people gives you a chance to be liked out in the open. It's a form of validation - but an important one.

 

I don't know that I've been any help here...if it's over that's probably a good thing, the statistics are against you for having a happy life with him in the future...you may need to find a way to stand up and rebuild yourself here.

[MissBee]

Based on your story, this relationship needed to end. Unfortunately, endings don't often go as planned and almost always hurt.

 

 

When I first came to LS, I came because of a breakup and went to the Breaks & Breaking Up section. An overwhelming majority of the posts were from people hoping the breakup would be temporary, wanting to explain their entire story in 300 paragraphs to get some hope that it was unique and reversible, most people felt like some things were left unsaid or it didn't end how they wanted it to end, some thought that if they just reached out to this person for the 50th time, a different outcome would be had and the list goes on. The bottom line is that most breakups are filled with some regret, pain, guilt etc even those done on mutual terms. It's an emotional rollercoaster, often with many irrational thoughts and feelings, until you reach equilibrium.

 

 

This man, from what you've said, always turns everything on you to make you feel guilty, when he is married and cheating and acting as if everything is just stellar on his part and he is just so faithful to you and so good. Bullshyte! It of course works because you end up feeling bad but even you realize it is a bit insane. Fun times, great sex, companionship does not a good relationship make, as BB07 says Yes you had that, but you also have a man who is married, who wants to do what he wants to do, who will make you feel bad about not wanting to put all your eggs into his broken basket, who pulls these little manipulative/controlling tactics, like going through your phone, Facebook etc. Excuse me???? What gives him that right?! He can eff off quite honestly. I doubt very much that this is your IDEAL relationship and I am willing to bet he is not the Second Coming.

 

I am very sorry for your pain. I have experienced it firsthand, and all breakups hurt, but I've also experienced the liberation that comes from leaving a bad situation alone, the perspective that comes after a while of having them out of your life, the looking back and thinking WTF?! And best of all, the joy you feel when you find someone new, whom you like better, who you can compare and find that that new situation is sooooooooooo much more than your former. I wish that for you.

[26pointblue]

Oh, I also wanted to add that in the end my xMM was accusing me of betraying him, was upset about things I had done although I had told him I was dating other guys because he was married & not carrying through on his promises [i didn't go into details & don't think we owe them anything -- they clearly don't give us details about what's really going on all the time with them & their wives].

 

He started getting super possessive & controlling & then acting betrayed & hurt. He started questioning whether I was right for him because of all of this stuff. I too felt bad but now I realize it was his way of assauging his guilt -- he looked at it as if I was just as bad as he was & so he wasn't really hurting me by being married but continually saying he only wanted to be with me & was getting a divorce & please be patient.

 

To me I think this kind of thing shows that the MM is up against a wall & he knows he is going to stay married so he is trying to disentangle himself from the OW. The fantasy bubble bursts & he sees the OW as a real person instead of a little princess in a bubble who constantly idolizes him & makes him happy while he does what he wants/stays married. It gives him a reason to 'choose' the wife [although he has clearly been chosing her all along by staying married] & let go of the OW. It also gives him a reason to think he is justified & doing so -- it's not that he couldn't follow through on his promises to the OW he said he loved, it's that he found out that the OW wasn't the girl he thought she was. It's just more BS, more selfish mind games they play to justify doing things that are very very wrong. Probably similar to what he was telling himself in his head about his wife all along [she doesn't pay enough attention to me, she's too naggy . . . now when it comes time to decide what to do because OW has had enough, it's . . . the OW isn't trustworthy, she's not loyal enough -- it is rarely about the MM looking at his own actions & motives but usually always about him placing the blame for his actions or inactions at the wife's feet or the OW's feet. Very selfish & immature. So please don't blame yourself, yeah, you shouldn't have lied to him but at this point it was all messed up & it just shows you need to move on. You can do better for yourself. Good luck again. I hope I've helped some.]

[MissBee]

This whole situation is so messed up. I was in one a lot like it-- my xMM was a lot like yours. He was jealous, insecure, & at times quite stalkerish. All the while being married. It's not right of them, & it's not right of us [to ourselves] to put up with it.

 

You DO have the right to have a normal dating life. That means not being with a jealous, possessive married man. You are doing yourself a huge disservice by tying yourself down to someone who isn't truly available to you. [Let alone stalkerish & controlling -- he has no right to do that!!!]

 

Please, give yourself a chance for real love & a normal relationship. If he really wants to be with you, that will give him all the more incentive to get his crap together & do what is necessary to be with you the right way. If not, you will be free to find someone available to you.

 

I didn't want to let my xMM go, I had so much hope, & thought it would all be worth it. Only now after I have had quite some time apart from him [i've been completely & truly NC for over 3 months] do I see how truly messed up the situation was & how I was short-changing myself of what I truly wanted & deserved, & how I was giving him all my power. Plus, I finally realized after I went through a lot of pain that I didn't even want to be with a guy who could so easily lie to his wife, lie to me, drag me on his leash for so long making false promises & not carrying through & being indecisive, & being jealous of me for acting on the times when he couldn't decide/do what it took to be with me . . . it was hell. I am so glad I am out of that hell. I have been dating single guys & it is so much better. I've met a guy who truly likes me & is truly available for me . . . but more than that, I have learned how to love myself & not settle for less than I deserve. I am not trying to preach to you but to try to get you to see that something way better waits for you if you get out of this situation with your MM. Dating before that is pointless . . . as you're finding out -- your heart isn't in it, you feel bad for the guys you're dating, you have to lie to your MM & to the single guys, so you're becoming just like MM & it isn't who you really are. Be true to yourself & only in a relationship where you can be open & honest. I know it's hard because you have feelings for him & time invested, but it's the only way out [at least that's what I believe & what finally worked for me]. Good luck.

 

Amaaaazing post!

 

I agree 1000%

[MissBee]

Oh, I also wanted to add that in the end my xMM was accusing me of betraying him, was upset about things I had done although I had told him I was dating other guys because he was married & not carrying through on his promises [i didn't go into details & don't think we owe them anything -- they clearly don't give us details about what's really going on all the time with them & their wives].

 

He started getting super possessive & controlling & then acting betrayed & hurt. He started questioning whether I was right for him because of all of this stuff. I too felt bad but now I realize it was his way of assauging his guilt -- he looked at it as if I was just as bad as he was & so he wasn't really hurting me by being married but continually saying he only wanted to be with me & was getting a divorce & please be patient.

 

To me I think this kind of thing shows that the MM is up against a wall & he knows he is going to stay married so he is trying to disentangle himself from the OW. The fantasy bubble bursts & he sees the OW as a real person instead of a little princess in a bubble who constantly idolizes him & makes him happy while he does what he wants/stays married. It gives him a reason to 'choose' the wife [although he has clearly been chosing her all along by staying married] & let go of the OW. It also gives him a reason to think he is justified & doing so -- it's not that he couldn't follow through on his promises to the OW he said he loved, it's that he found out that the OW wasn't the girl he thought she was. It's just more BS, more selfish mind games they play to justify doing things that are very very wrong. Probably similar to what he was telling himself in his head about his wife all along [she doesn't pay enough attention to me, she's too naggy . . . now when it comes time to decide what to do because OW has had enough, it's . . . the OW isn't trustworthy, she's not loyal enough -- it is rarely about the MM looking at his own actions & motives but usually always about him placing the blame for his actions or inactions at the wife's feet or the OW's feet. Very selfish & immature. So please don't blame yourself, yeah, you shouldn't have lied to him but at this point it was all messed up & it just shows you need to move on. You can do better for yourself. Good luck again. I hope I've helped some.]

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ THIS!

[OnyxSnowfall]

Goodness...

 

If you converse with him again, I would suggest politely informing him that you're no longer going to waste yourself and your time on him and that he's holding something beyond a double standard against you.

 

And it's probably best that you do not communicate with him again until HE is actually divorced... and even in the very remote chance that he gets divorced (chances are, he just said that to make you feel worse and is lying [his ego is probably hurt that you're dating other people BUT HE IS SO self-absorbed it's not worth feeling bad about]) then I'd still recommend being cautious.

 

Also, does he live with his wife? If so, does she know about you? He can't exactly demand honesty if he himself isn't even honest... without being an utter fool anyway.

 

Nevertheless, you probably should work on being more upfront and honest with people. You likely feel bad because you care, and that's normal, but you weren't exactly involved in a relationship that's allowed you to be open and honest.

 

In conclusion --- people betraying other people who then SIMULTANEOUSLY complain about "feeling" betrayed are... um...

 

...

 

yes, I hope you're able to move on and find better. You didn't betray him, but I think you've perhaps been betraying yourself =/

 

What is it you want out of a relationship?

Edited August 16, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[Confused4Now]

Oh, I also wanted to add that in the end my xMM was accusing me of betraying him, was upset about things I had done although I had told him I was dating other guys because he was married & not carrying through on his promises [i didn't go into details & don't think we owe them anything -- they clearly don't give us details about what's really going on all the time with them & their wives].

 

He started getting super possessive & controlling & then acting betrayed & hurt. He started questioning whether I was right for him because of all of this stuff. I too felt bad but now I realize it was his way of assauging his guilt -- he looked at it as if I was just as bad as he was & so he wasn't really hurting me by being married but continually saying he only wanted to be with me & was getting a divorce & please be patient.

 

To me I think this kind of thing shows that the MM is up against a wall & he knows he is going to stay married so he is trying to disentangle himself from the OW. The fantasy bubble bursts & he sees the OW as a real person instead of a little princess in a bubble who constantly idolizes him & makes him happy while he does what he wants/stays married. It gives him a reason to 'choose' the wife [although he has clearly been chosing her all along by staying married] & let go of the OW. It also gives him a reason to think he is justified & doing so -- it's not that he couldn't follow through on his promises to the OW he said he loved, it's that he found out that the OW wasn't the girl he thought she was. It's just more BS, more selfish mind games they play to justify doing things that are very very wrong. Probably similar to what he was telling himself in his head about his wife all along [she doesn't pay enough attention to me, she's too naggy . . . now when it comes time to decide what to do because OW has had enough, it's . . . the OW isn't trustworthy, she's not loyal enough -- it is rarely about the MM looking at his own actions & motives but usually always about him placing the blame for his actions or inactions at the wife's feet or the OW's feet. Very selfish & immature. So please don't blame yourself, yeah, you shouldn't have lied to him but at this point it was all messed up & it just shows you need to move on. You can do better for yourself. Good luck again. I hope I've helped some.]

I really love reading stuff like this!!! best post in a while for me. Way to get your point across. EXCELLENT!!!!:bunny:

[donnamaybe]

Okay, let me get this straight. This guy who is obviously lying to his wife on a continual basis and stringing you along is coming down on you for not sharing all of the info about your dates?

 

Just - wow.

[TurboGirl]

It's ALWAYS all about them and what they want. Narcissistic, manipulative...

 

Remember now, he is busy lying to the W about where he is and what he is doing... and now is questioned you and your trustworthiness.

 

What a crock!

 

Don't you think it is time to dump him? Tell him you can't and won't see him again until he is divorced... then both of you can be honest and start with a clean slate! :bunny:

[fooled once]

I had gone NC with the MM and started dating other men. I told the MM that was what I was going to do and he got so upset about it I decided the only thing to do was go NC. He’s still married and it seems unfair that I can’t date. I understand that sleeping with more than one person would be a huge no no, but that wasn’t the case.

 

So after a few days of NC the MM desperately wants to talk. We talked and he agreed to accept that I was going to see other people and that I would tell him when or if anything ever became physical with anyone else. I had dates, I was vague about who, what and where. He successfully monopolized my time for the entire week and was as sweet and caring as you could ever hope for so I got suckered back in. I had a date for Friday night but the MM called on Thursday and said he wanted to spend the weekend with me and wanted to know if I had any plans for the weekend. I told him I was going to a play on Friday with some friends but that I was free the rest of the weekend. He said he wanted to stay and see me. So after the play, I went to his apartment and stayed there the rest of the weekend. He was quite suspicious and kept asking if I had a date and stupidly I told him I was with a friend. I don’t know why I lied and I can’t justify it. Anyway, the MM watched me walk into the play with my date and questioned me about it Saturday and wanted to know if it was someone I had previously been out with and I again stupidly denied it.

 

The rest of the weekend was great. Great sex. Great company. Great time enjoying each other’s company. Lots of good talks. By the end of the weekend, I had decided I didn’t want to date anyone else and I didn’t want to drag any innocent people into the situation until I was ready to break it off completely with the MM. The MM told me he was going to get a divorce and that we would be together. He even told me he had thought of buying me a promise type ring for my birthday but was now reconsidering because he didn’t trust me.

 

 

The MM has been acting stressed all week. Not sleeping. Accusing me of lying, etc. all week. Finally today he took me to lunch and told me he had looked at my phone while I was in the shower Saturday and looked at my Facebook page, read my texts, read my emails, etc. He feels betrayed. To be honest I haven’t been honest about everything. I didn’t feel like my dating life was any of his business. I still don’t.

 

I should feel outraged that my privacy was invaded but mostly I feel hurt. I feel terrible that he feels like I betrayed him. I guess I did lie to him. I told him I was going with a friend and I went with a date. I’m so shaken, I can’t even decide if he’s justified or not. I feel like this is really the end of our relationship and it hurts so bad. It’s been a roller coaster the last month and I felt like the weekend was a big high and now I’m at the bottom. I didn’t want it to end this way.

 

I guess I don’t have a question. I’m not sure what I need. I’d like an honest opinion on the situation. What’s wrong with me that I am so devastated and feel so awful? Why do I feel like a terrible person? Why does it matter who ended it or why?

 

Honest opinions welcome?

 

Sorry but you would be foolish to continue to put your life on hold for a MM. You would be foolish to think you could ever fully TRUST HIM.

 

He went through YOUR personal phone and read texts. He went on YOUR facebook profile and read private things. He is NOT your Husband. He is married already. He had no right to tell you what you can and can't do. I mean, he is living with his wife; playing happy husband, going on vacations, date nights, etc. He expects you to sit home alone day after day after day ... except when he throws you a bone.

 

He is manipulating you and you are allowing it. He can't trust you? Bull. You have kept your entire affair a secret. He is a hypocrite. Tells you what you can and can't do ... yet it is okay for him to remain married. Tell him to grow up. Tell him to call you AFTER he is divorced and not a moment before. See how fast he gets a divorce knowing you are no longer his back up plan.

 

You asked for honest views. That is mine.

[TigerCub]

Hey Confused

 

OMG!!

 

I'm so sorry that you're hurting, but please open your eyes!

 

One day you're going to look back at how you allowed yourself to be manipulated and treated so badly and you're gonna get so pissed at yourself.

 

This guy wants a double standard.

He's acting all jealous of who you see, yet he goes home to his wife?!!

give me a f**kin break!!

 

I know that you say that you shouldn't have lied, and you don't know why you even lied - but next time (if there is a next time - I really hope not for you sake) - don't lie.

 

You shouldn't hide your dating life, you don't owe him anything as long as he's going home and screwing his wife - why the hell shouldn't you be getting yours as well?

 

This guys is piece of work!!

 

Honey, you can do so much better - ditch him, leave him to his own mess and treat yourself better - don't ever allow anyone to treat you as badly as he did.

 

oh and as for the promise ring - you know what that is - its like saying "ooooh we're engaged to be engaged" - he's promising you a little trinket and trying to string you along with it? - that's ridiculous.

 

Tell yourself that you deserve better because you do.

 

Until he leaves his wife, you don't owe him s**t.

 

***HUGS***

[So Very Confused]

Thanks for all the good observations and advice. You guys helped tremendously.

 

Yesterday was a terrible day that just got worse. After work I met the MM so we could "work it out" or part peacefully. I was met with accusations. We both said some terrible things. I left.

 

This morning he sent an email apologizing for last night and telling me he wants to get together one more time to say goodbye properly. He wants us to tell each other what we appreciate about each other and send each other off with a hug.

 

Honestly, the thought makes me want to throw up. I don't know if that would be good "closure" or not. At this point I don't think I even need closure. I just want to get as far away from him as possible as quickly as possible.

 

Surprisingly, in spite of all the drama, loneliness, heartbreak and pain, I feel free.

[26pointblue]

Thanks for all the good observations and advice. You guys helped tremendously.

 

Yesterday was a terrible day that just got worse. After work I met the MM so we could "work it out" or part peacefully. I was met with accusations. We both said some terrible things. I left.

 

This morning he sent an email apologizing for last night and telling me he wants to get together one more time to say goodbye properly. He wants us to tell each other what we appreciate about each other and send each other off with a hug.

 

Honestly, the thought makes me want to throw up. I don't know if that would be good "closure" or not. At this point I don't think I even need closure. I just want to get as far away from him as possible as quickly as possible.

 

Surprisingly, in spite of all the drama, loneliness, heartbreak and pain, I feel free.

 

Good. You're on the right path. You have seen his true colors & they ain't pretty. He wants to be with you one last time for his own selfish reasons . . . to assauge his guilt, to probably be with you physically, to tell himself in his head that it's all okay & that the ending was your fault, not his. I wouldn't give him that satisfaction. I'm not saying you need to/should be mean to him or hateful to him, but I think it's wise to just keep walking away & not look back. It will just play with your heart strings even more. I wish you happiness & strength. (hugs)

[TigerCub]

Thanks for all the good observations and advice. You guys helped tremendously.

 

Yesterday was a terrible day that just got worse. After work I met the MM so we could "work it out" or part peacefully. I was met with accusations. We both said some terrible things. I left.

 

This morning he sent an email apologizing for last night and telling me he wants to get together one more time to say goodbye properly. He wants us to tell each other what we appreciate about each other and send each other off with a hug.

 

Honestly, the thought makes me want to throw up. I don't know if that would be good "closure" or not. At this point I don't think I even need closure. I just want to get as far away from him as possible as quickly as possible.

 

Surprisingly, in spite of all the drama, loneliness, heartbreak and pain, I feel free.

 

Honey, he wants to get together one more time, in hopes that he can:

a) screw you one more time

b) manipulate you some more and convince you to stay strung along.

 

neither option sounds good.

 

I totally know that Free feeling. Its amazing!!

take it as far as it will go.

 

As for closure, do what's best for YOU. Not what's fair to him or what would seem nice or whatever, do what's right for you.

 

You know yourself and you know what will be something you can look back on and be at peace with.

 

For me, I had to write xMM a final email to tell him everything that I knew and all the lies I knew about and everything I needed to get off my chest in order to move on. I did it so that I wont look back in a week, or a month or whatever and wish I had said one more thing.

 

After I sent that email, I never responded to anything he wrote because I truly was done.

 

So do what you know is best for you.

 

Enjoy your feeling of freedom

 

good luck

[Memphis Raines]

What’s wrong with me that I am so devastated and feel so awful? Why do I feel like a terrible person? Why does it matter who ended it or why?

 

whats odd is that you'd feel like a terrible person and awful because you decided to move on from a cheater, but not for helping to betray a fellow female.

[mitchell]

Get together one more time? For what? You don't feel like you need it because you already have your closure.

 

He just want one more session of you "great sex".

 

Do yourself a favor and get on with your life. The date you had last week or perhaps the next one just might be your soul mate.

[michee]

it's all a Big Lie...until you come out of your fog...it will be roller coaster of up's and downs...MM are not available...hence they are married...Duh!!

[mzdolphin]

Okay, let me get this straight. This guy who is obviously lying to his wife on a continual basis and stringing you along is coming down on you for not sharing all of the info about your dates?

 

Just - wow.

 

Seriously. Girl, you need to cut all ties with him, not just because he's married, he also sounds stupid.

[mzdolphin]

Get together one more time? For what? You don't feel like you need it because you already have your closure.

 

He just want one more session of you "great sex".

 

Do yourself a favor and get on with your life. The date you had last week or perhaps the next one just might be your soul mate.

 

 

Amen. Every time my ex MM tries that, I miss you, let's just meet for coffee thing, I know he thinks if he gets me in person I will melt in his arms and he will get some. You know what, he might be right. That's why I don't agree to see him.

 

And I'm telling you, it's a powerful feeling when you are tempted and say no. He was in town last week (he lives in another state). He begged for lunch, just to see you, etc. I was so tempted, but didn't back down. When I knew he had finally left town I felt like king of the world.

[skywriter]

Amen. Every time my ex MM tries that, I miss you, let's just meet for coffee thing, I know he thinks if he gets me in person I will melt in his arms and he will get some. You know what, he might be right. That's why I don't agree to see him.

 

And I'm telling you, it's a powerful feeling when you are tempted and say no. He was in town last week (he lives in another state). He begged for lunch, just to see you, etc. I was so tempted, but didn't back down. When I knew he had finally left town I felt like king of the world.

 

 

You go mzdolphin, way to resist temptation and move on!

[spice4life]

Oh, I also wanted to add that in the end my xMM was accusing me of betraying him, was upset about things I had done although I had told him I was dating other guys because he was married & not carrying through on his promises [i didn't go into details & don't think we owe them anything -- they clearly don't give us details about what's really going on all the time with them & their wives].

 

He started getting super possessive & controlling & then acting betrayed & hurt. He started questioning whether I was right for him because of all of this stuff. I too felt bad but now I realize it was his way of assauging his guilt -- he looked at it as if I was just as bad as he was & so he wasn't really hurting me by being married but continually saying he only wanted to be with me & was getting a divorce & please be patient.

 

To me I think this kind of thing shows that the MM is up against a wall & he knows he is going to stay married so he is trying to disentangle himself from the OW. The fantasy bubble bursts & he sees the OW as a real person instead of a little princess in a bubble who constantly idolizes him & makes him happy while he does what he wants/stays married. It gives him a reason to 'choose' the wife [although he has clearly been chosing her all along by staying married] & let go of the OW. It also gives him a reason to think he is justified & doing so -- it's not that he couldn't follow through on his promises to the OW he said he loved, it's that he found out that the OW wasn't the girl he thought she was. It's just more BS, more selfish mind games they play to justify doing things that are very very wrong. Probably similar to what he was telling himself in his head about his wife all along [she doesn't pay enough attention to me, she's too naggy . . . now when it comes time to decide what to do because OW has had enough, it's . . . the OW isn't trustworthy, she's not loyal enough -- it is rarely about the MM looking at his own actions & motives but usually always about him placing the blame for his actions or inactions at the wife's feet or the OW's feet. Very selfish & immature. So please don't blame yourself, yeah, you shouldn't have lied to him but at this point it was all messed up & it just shows you need to move on. You can do better for yourself. Good luck again. I hope I've helped some.]

 

Excellent post! Wow! I thought I was the only one to go through this stuff. Thank yu 26pointblue!

 

So_Very_Confused, this is exactly what your MM is doing to you. In one word, it's called projection! He is successfully projecting all of is own feelings of guilt and betrayal onto you and it's working. He dumps his emotional load onto you and you end up shouldering all of the guilt and blame. Then he gets to walk around feeling superior and guilt free because you are carrying around his dirty diddy bag. Not a bad deal for him...he gets to ave his cake and eat it too and the added bonus of dumping his nasty laundry in your basket to carry. News flash, you have done nothing wrong by dating sweetie, you are not the married one here. Do whatever you want when it comes to dating because unless he unmarries himself, he has no right telling you what and what you can't do...period!

 

If I were you I would stamp a "return to sender" on that dirty package...it doesn't belong to you.

[Heart On]

At this point I don't think I even need closure. I just want to get as far away from him as possible as quickly as possible.

Surprisingly, in spite of all the drama, loneliness, heartbreak and pain, I feel free.

 

I hope this feeling sticks like glue for you!~

 

If I may make a suggestion under the obviously hypocritical circumstances and from my own mistakes and past experience that lead to my xMM NEVER saying hello or goodbye fully until I informed him that I was MOVING 1200 miles away.He just kept sucking me back in like an emotional vampire with agenda's and it took all I had in me to STOP THE MADNESS!

 

Do yourself a favor,don't meet him "one last time".There isn't one with most of these guys.It's up to YOU to end this.

 

Taking back your power and showing him just how indifferent you actually are to him at this point in his game,would be not bothering to meet or say goodbye to a man who has the audacity to invade your privacy,and feel "betrayed",who you owe nothing to,who has strung you along for this whole time,knowing he wasn't leaving his wife,who has given you mixed messages all along,who says one thing and does another,who played your heart,body and mind for his own instant gratification needs,who expected you to stay loyal to him,when he went home after every single time the two of you had sex,AND had sex with his wife,who thinks he can just waltz into your life and out of it without paying ANY real consequences in his marriage,while you are left wondering WTH you ever saw in him in the first place and realizing that you wasted your time on a cowardly,selfish little boy who likes to sit on fences at other people's expenses?

 

Is that the sort of man you owe anything too?

 

 

Meeting one last time,is his way of saying...I OWNED YOU and now I am letting you go without a fight because you won't comply with my demands to not date others..FOUL BALL BUDDY!.

 

Screw that and HIM! (Not literally of course!)

 

Walk away without word one! He made his choice everytime he went home to his betrayed wife and he just wants to make sure you don't OUT HIM so that "hug" is his way of attempting to ensure that there are no hard feelings.

 

Of COURSE there are.....and he needs to sit and worry wait and wonder if and when you are going to hold him accountable for his transgressions against you and his wife....just like you worried waited and wondered if he actually loved you enough to LEAVE her.

 

These guys make me RALPH in my MOUTH!:sick:

 

I only WISH I had had this place WHILE I was enduring the most gross,inhuman,exploitive rerlationship of my life and I've had some doosies!

 

If I knew then,what I know now is all I can say and hope you take this in the vain it is intended.

 

For YOU to not give him the satisfaction of EVER seeing you again.

 

GOOD LUCK!

 

NC on your terms.............or BUST!

 

Closure comes with indifference..not hate nor codependancy!

Edited August 17, 2011 by Heart On

[fooled once]

Thanks for all the good observations and advice. You guys helped tremendously.

 

Yesterday was a terrible day that just got worse. After work I met the MM so we could "work it out" or part peacefully. I was met with accusations. We both said some terrible things. I left.

 

This morning he sent an email apologizing for last night and telling me he wants to get together one more time to say goodbye properly. He wants us to tell each other what we appreciate about each other and send each other off with a hug.

 

Honestly, the thought makes me want to throw up. I don't know if that would be good "closure" or not. At this point I don't think I even need closure. I just want to get as far away from him as possible as quickly as possible.

 

Surprisingly, in spite of all the drama, loneliness, heartbreak and pain, I feel free.

 

I was all set to reply and then I saw Tiger's response ...

 

Honey, he wants to get together one more time, in hopes that he can:

a) screw you one more time

b) manipulate you some more and convince you to stay strung along.

 

neither option sounds good.

 

I totally know that Free feeling. Its amazing!!

take it as far as it will go.

 

As for closure, do what's best for YOU. Not what's fair to him or what would seem nice or whatever, do what's right for you.

 

You know yourself and you know what will be something you can look back on and be at peace with.

 

For me, I had to write xMM a final email to tell him everything that I knew and all the lies I knew about and everything I needed to get off my chest in order to move on. I did it so that I wont look back in a week, or a month or whatever and wish I had said one more thing.

 

After I sent that email, I never responded to anything he wrote because I truly was done.

 

So do what you know is best for you.

 

Enjoy your feeling of freedom

 

good luck

 

RIGHT ON! Exactlly!!!

 

Please, there is no need to "see him" for a proper goodbye That's horse crap and he is once again trying to manipulate you. Stand your ground. NO. No thank you. Hell no. F no. Pick one, but keep the NO.