Update: MM upset about single OW dating

[So Very Confused]

So he sent me an email telling me I have 3 options.

 

#1 We can not see or talk at all.

#2 We can be FWB with very limited contact.

#3 We can be "enchanced" FWB (basically, like we were before, but I have to agree to not see anyone else)

 

I was in a weak place and told him I'd consider it and get back to him. So he kept texting and calling (from different numbers because I won't answer) and telling me he didn't want this to drag on and that I needed to make a decision.

 

In the meantime, a single guy has asked me out and we've been out twice and have a date tonight. At first I was seeing all the negative aspects of the new guy (too young, too energetic, blah blah blah) so I made a list to compare the two guys. Now it just seems ridiculous. In retrospect, I see I was just scared of moving on past the MM. All of his complaining and threatening me about dating others was in the back of my mind. I'm not ready for a relationship (and I've been honest with the new guy about that) but it has helped to keep me distracted from all the misery. I'm not saying this is a healthy thing to do (dating so soon), but just being honest about what's going on. I do think it's a good sign that I don't feel the least bit guilty about it and a month ago, I could not have said that.

 

I just never responded to the MM. I've already made my decision. I want #1. If he were paying any attentionat all he would already know that. Not by my words, but by my actions.

 

I'm kind of glad he kept bugging me though. It helped me to realize what a creep he is. How dare he give me 3 options? Who the F does he think he is? And how dare he tell me I have to respond because this doesn't need to drag on. WTF??? Seriously? He acts like he was offering me the moon. He's not offering me squat and I don't have to pick any of those options. If I want a FWB (enhanced or otherwise) I can easily find a single one. Jeez. It just goes to show how little he respects me that he would think that was something to "offer" me.

[Silly_Girl]

That's disgusting. My ex would have tried something like that. I feel for you. Keep putting YOU first, no question.

[20Seconds]

So he sent me an email telling me I have 3 options.

 

#1 We can not see or talk at all.

#2 We can be FWB with very limited contact.

#3 We can be "enchanced" FWB (basically, like we were before, but I have to agree to not see anyone else)

 

 

Wow I thought my ex-MM was being a complete asshat asking me to sleep with him again after I ended things 6 months ago

 

This guy though, he really takes things to another level.

 

You couldn't make it up

 

"Enhanced" FWB? Enhanced for WHO, exactly?

 

And while we're at it, there is no such status as "FWB" when you're married. It's an AFFAIR.

 

Please don;t get to comparing one man with another. If you must make a comparison, make it between "Enhanced FWB" / "Affair" and a "Real Relationship". You know, the kind where they love and respect you.

[xxoo]

I'm kind of glad he kept bugging me though. It helped me to realize what a creep he is. How dare he give me 3 options? Who the F does he think he is? And how dare he tell me I have to respond because this doesn't need to drag on. WTF??? Seriously? He acts like he was offering me the moon. He's not offering me squat and I don't have to pick any of those options. If I want a FWB (enhanced or otherwise) I can easily find a single one. Jeez. It just goes to show how little he respects me that he would think that was something to "offer" me.

 

I'm so glad you typed the bolded, because that is exactly what I was thinking when I read those "options".

 

This guy doesn't deserve your attention, much less your precious love and care!

[wannabdone]

So he sent me an email telling me I have 3 options.

 

#1 We can not see or talk at all.

#2 We can be FWB with very limited contact.

#3 We can be "enchanced" FWB (basically, like we were before, but I have to agree to not see anyone else)

 

I was in a weak place and told him I'd consider it and get back to him. So he kept texting and calling (from different numbers because I won't answer) and telling me he didn't want this to drag on and that I needed to make a decision.

 

In the meantime, a single guy has asked me out and we've been out twice and have a date tonight. At first I was seeing all the negative aspects of the new guy (too young, too energetic, blah blah blah) so I made a list to compare the two guys. Now it just seems ridiculous. In retrospect, I see I was just scared of moving on past the MM. All of his complaining and threatening me about dating others was in the back of my mind. I'm not ready for a relationship (and I've been honest with the new guy about that) but it has helped to keep me distracted from all the misery. I'm not saying this is a healthy thing to do (dating so soon), but just being honest about what's going on. I do think it's a good sign that I don't feel the least bit guilty about it and a month ago, I could not have said that.

 

I just never responded to the MM. I've already made my decision. I want #1. If he were paying any attentionat all he would already know that. Not by my words, but by my actions.

 

I'm kind of glad he kept bugging me though. It helped me to realize what a creep he is. How dare he give me 3 options? Who the F does he think he is? And how dare he tell me I have to respond because this doesn't need to drag on. WTF??? Seriously? He acts like he was offering me the moon. He's not offering me squat and I don't have to pick any of those options. If I want a FWB (enhanced or otherwise) I can easily find a single one. Jeez. It just goes to show how little he respects me that he would think that was something to "offer" me.

 

 

SISTER!!!! SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!:bunny:

 

I agree, jumping into a R is not good. But that's not what you are doing here. Its okay to get all dolled up and have a good looking guy pay the attention to you that you deserve. SO GO FOR IT!!! Have a great time. And let me know how it went!!!!

 

I'm so damn proud of you!!!!!

[So Very Confused]

Last night he called and we had a good chat. He confessed that he had been given an ultimatum. He said that she had told him he was going to lose his kids and half his stuff and that he had done all that (invading my privacy, following me on a date, dumping me) because he was scared to be alone. He said he wanted to be sure he could trust me before he left her. He says he can’t bear the idea of being alone. He wants to make sure that he has someone waiting for him if he decides to leave or he’s not going to leave. He said he doesn’t really care about losing his stuff and that he doesn’t really believe he’ll lose his kids, but he doesn’t want to do it without a good reason. What’s really hurtful is that while the break up was happening, he didn’t tell me that was the reason, he told me it was because of my behavior. He just let me wallow in my own guilt and confusion.

 

 

 

I finally feel like I may have been told the truth (or part of the the truth). On the other hand, I think he could be desperate and dangling a carrot just hoping I will stick around a while longer and wait on him to make a move. He started calling from a different number and told me he had bought a new pre-paid phone so he wouldn’t be monitored. I think there probably was an ultimatum and he chose her. And now that things have calmed down and he thinks he can get by with it again, he’s back. I have no intentions of resuming things. I’ve had enough. I enjoyed it while it lasted but I finally feel like the fog has lifted a little and I can see how unhealthy it was and how damaging and how I don’t want to be a part of it anymore.

[shakti]

Based on your story, this relationship needed to end. Unfortunately, endings don't often go as planned and almost always hurt.

 

 

When I first came to LS, I came because of a breakup and went to the Breaks & Breaking Up section. An overwhelming majority of the posts were from people hoping the breakup would be temporary, wanting to explain their entire story in 300 paragraphs to get some hope that it was unique and reversible, most people felt like some things were left unsaid or it didn't end how they wanted it to end, some thought that if they just reached out to this person for the 50th time, a different outcome would be had and the list goes on. The bottom line is that most breakups are filled with some regret, pain, guilt etc even those done on mutual terms. It's an emotional rollercoaster, often with many irrational thoughts and feelings, until you reach equilibrium.

 

 

This man, from what you've said, always turns everything on you to make you feel guilty, when he is married and cheating and acting as if everything is just stellar on his part and he is just so faithful to you and so good. Bullshyte! It of course works because you end up feeling bad but even you realize it is a bit insane. Fun times, great sex, companionship does not a good relationship make, as BB07 says Yes you had that, but you also have a man who is married, who wants to do what he wants to do, who will make you feel bad about not wanting to put all your eggs into his broken basket, who pulls these little manipulative/controlling tactics, like going through your phone, Facebook etc. Excuse me???? What gives him that right?! He can eff off quite honestly. I doubt very much that this is your IDEAL relationship and I am willing to bet he is not the Second Coming.

 

I am very sorry for your pain. I have experienced it firsthand, and all breakups hurt, but I've also experienced the liberation that comes from leaving a bad situation alone, the perspective that comes after a while of having them out of your life, the looking back and thinking WTF?! And best of all, the joy you feel when you find someone new, whom you like better, who you can compare and find that that new situation is sooooooooooo much more than your former. I wish that for you.

 

This is inspiring. Thank you. Good luck to you all.

[2sunny]

So Very Confused;3641258]Last night he called and we had a good chat. He confessed that he had been given an ultimatum. He said that she had told him he was going to lose his kids and half his stuff and that he had done all that (invading my privacy, following me on a date, dumping me) because he was scared to be alone. He said he wanted to be sure he could trust me before he left her. He says he can’t bear the idea of being alone. He wants to make sure that he has someone waiting for him if he decides to leave or he’s not going to leave. He said he doesn’t really care about losing his stuff and that he doesn’t really believe he’ll lose his kids, but he doesn’t want to do it without a good reason. What’s really hurtful is that while the break up was happening, he didn’t tell me that was the reason, he told me it was because of my behavior. He just let me wallow in my own guilt and confusion.

 

IF he was that unhappy - he would just DIVORCE her - but he doesn't DO THAT... he cheats! he is the type that will cheat no matter who he is with - because he is THAT selfish... and because he's afraid to be alone. these are the WORST kind of cheaters = because they are the serial cheater based on their own unhappiness - and because they simply don't know how to be happy on their own.

 

here's a tip - once they are "with someone else - they STILL AREN'T HAPPY" - because they don't know what happy is while being on their own! how can he offer YOU any happiness when he doesn't know what happy is for HIM? he's offering you his BROKEN self! do not accept this... and don't ever settle!

 

 

 

I finally feel like I may have been told the truth (or part of the the truth). On the other hand, I think he could be desperate and dangling a carrot just hoping I will stick around a while longer and wait on him to make a move. He started calling from a different number and told me he had bought a new pre-paid phone so he wouldn’t be monitored. I think there probably was an ultimatum and he chose her. And now that things have calmed down and he thinks he can get by with it again, he’s back. I have no intentions of resuming things. I’ve had enough. I enjoyed it while it lasted but I finally feel like the fog has lifted a little and I can see how unhealthy it was and how damaging and how I don’t want to be a part of it anymore.

 

 

 

this is a very unhappy and unhealthy man!

 

so he mainly wants to be with you because he doesn't want to be ALONE... that's no prize. he should want to be with you because you are the most amazing woman he's ever met! he should want to be with you because he is a content and happy man and offers that to you for a very healthy, stable relationship. but HE'S not that at all!

 

he a cake eater - a broken man who doesn't understand how to be happy on his own. what is attractive about that? nothing!

 

to have a man that loves himself completely - and knows how to be happy on his own - and to offer that completely happy self to me is the difference of night and day!

 

and now he's getting sneaky... getting a prepaid phone - so now he places you in his "secrecy area" again - when we have NOTHING to hide = we hide nothing. i'd tell him that every time he contacts me - i'm contacting his wife! i'd never allow HIM to bump me back into his secret area! that automatically gives him the power to make you his dirty little secret... and now he is moving to a higher level of making sure you stay his secret. do not ALLOW him to do this to you! he's trying to bump you back into your old position... do not go along with his manipulation that is selfishly driven. he's only thinking of himself... and that isn't loving and kind behavior! get busy DOING whatever it is that you love to do in life!

 

you deserve so much more than THAT (what he's offered, which is nothing)!

 

he really is offering you less than NOTHING!

 

he is playing games with your heart = let him play alone. that's what he fears the most... no need to be his default plan. he stays with his wife because he's afraid of being alone... don't play his game...it's no fun to be with any man that's only with you because they are afraid of being alone. when he has you - he will then find ANOTHER backup plan - in case you leave him! it's true! i was married 20 years to a man like this. it makes for a ton of misery in wondering if/who he has hanging around in case i leave. don't hand him your peace of mind. when a man loves you - you will never need to wonder if he REALLY loves you and ONLY YOU!!!

 

get busy living! there are plenty of kind, loving and AVAILABLE men that won't make you their secret - as long as you do not allow it!

 

and tell MM to stay the F away! more than that - display those words with your actions = do not respond to him at all - just text his wife EVERY TIME he tries to contact you. that ought to give him a consequence for his bad behavior.