Married, but missing the ex.....Dilemma!!

[Mrs.Phat]

 

Hi everyone. I am in need of some advice. Do not hesitate to keep it real. Any advice is good advice. Here's my dilemma:

 

About three years ago I met this guy. Right off the bat, I new he was it. He was 21/22(I was 18/19) and in the Army at the time. We dated, and I enjoyed his company so much. The problem I had was he chose his friends over me. He was into the clubbin' thing, and I was into the "spending quality time" thing. I wanted a commitment.(that' s just me) We had arguments, but still saw each other. Eventually I had to leave and go back home.(We left on bad terms) He left a few months later, and got stationed overseas. When I went back home, I new I had to get outta there. I new someone, and got married to him only to get away from home.(He new my situation.) He's in the Navy, and was going overseas. Now we are here(in JP) two and a half years later.

 

When I first got here, I got in touch with my ex. We kept in contact(calling, and writing each other). He said "I love you", I said, "I Love You". He was in Korea, I was in Japan. We talked about seeing each other, but it never happened. I said we needed to cease all communications. We did. A couple months later my husband and I had a baby. When my son was about 8 mths old, I got in touch with my ex again. He was back state side and out the Army.

 

We are in touch with each other now(I'm 21 almost 22, and he is 24). He has a son that is a year and a half by a female that I new about when we were together. He had a few female friends that I never met, but they would call when we were together. Anyway, he married her. He says he don't love her, and they only got married because her parents forced the issue. She just recently joined the air force, and he has his son on the East Coast. I'm not in love with my husband, I'm in Love with my ex. He says he wants to be with me, and vice versa. We go back state side in a few months., and we want to see each other to see if we should go forward.

 

I was never in love with my husband, and I do let it be known. I can't even say I Love You to my husband because I know it's a lie. It's been a couple years, and my "ex" is all I can think about. I am unhappy, sad, and miserable with my situation. I only feel happy when I'm talking to my ex. I have an obligation to my son....I know. Should I try to fall in love with my husband, and cease communications with the ex for good? Should I continue to talk with my ex, but as friends only?

 

Help me. Please.

 

My "ex" says He loves me, and wants to be with me? He plans on getting a divorce.(not 'cause of me, they have their own issues) It's killing me every day, and it hurts to know we can't be together. Is it worth it?[color=blue][/color]

[iamtastee]

Well, I'm not going to throw some psychological blab at you (no doubt you will get that)...I can only speak from my perception and personal experience. I don't find hypothetical,"educated" guesses very valuable. Only you know what your situation is truly like,so I choose not to attempt to analyze the personality or relationship of an entire individual from one or two paragraghs. I only reply to posts that I can relate to for having been in the same or like situation. Thus, I'll try to "keep it real."

 

My situation is somewhat similar,difference is- there are no wedding rings,so it's quite different. I started dating a guy I met at work, and he was really sweet. The romantic kind,that will do just about anything for his girl. My family LOVED him, and my friends were somewhat envious of me having such a "good man." Physically,he was my type-a real cutie,beautiful eyes. Problem is: didn't love him. Didn't understand why,he was the type of guy I prayed for. I guess sometimes you get what you ask for. I've never been into the rough,naughty boys,so it was not the fact that I did not appreciate a sensitive,caring male. The truth is that there was no real spunk,no passion on my part. Well, me and the guy split for a while because I was simply not into him, and I started dating another guy. He was also a sweetie,but it was something more there,more attraction and more passion. We split due to some issues I was having with myself and the first guy. I couldn't seem to get rid of him, and I felt bad because I knew how much he cared for me. Hindsight tells me that it was not fair to me to be with someone I didn't really love out of mere guilt. Anywhoo, I still loved my ex (second one), but I tried to make it work with the first dude. I always felt that I would eventually "grow to love him." Never happened. Just wasn't there, and believe me, I tried. I too still have contact with my ex whom I truly care deeply for,that makes it worse. However, still in the same boat. My ex went overseas and I started dating another guy who puts a fizzle in my eye instead of a spark. My ex is also involved with someone. I guess I listened to the old saying "If you can't be with the one you love,love the one you're with." On the other hand, I realized the I can no longer live my life this way. I am now doing what makes ME happy. After sorting out my feelings and and looking at it from all angles,I decided to go with my heart. I guess that's why I can relate to your post so much.

 

So, I can understand your feelings about your husband and ex. Sometimes,as humans,we make mistakes-it's natural. What I have learned/learning is that it is not fair for either party to remain in ANY situation if you are not happy. You can work at it,but if it doesn't fit,don't force it. You'll end up regretting it. You may even turn resentful towards your spouse. If anyone has to seek the affections of another while in a committed relationship-they are not happy. Something is missing.

 

I may be a simple-minded romantic,but all I can say is follow your heart. If you don't love your husband by now,especially after having his child,chances are,you probably won't. You may care for him,but the love isn't there. He probably is a safety-net and the escape that you needed when you were younger. That's fine. It happens sometimes. Don't jump the gun though,if you are posting here, you are more than likely having some conflicts about the situation. Uncertainty and guilt no doubt. Analyze your feelings carefully and talk openly and honestly with your current husband and your ex. Do what YOU feel is right for YOU. If things don't work out the way you expect them to,that's also okay. At least you are not stuck in a situation you are miserable in. If it's not your ex,it may be someone else out there who is right for you. In addition, you won't spend the rest of your life "what-iffing," know what I mean?

 

I wish you the best of luck on whatever path you choose

[reachingskywards]

If he has always been 'the one' that's great. The problem is -- have either of you changed??? Will he still want to go out clubbing with the boys and you to get 'quality time'??? . Do you think you can sort out this and whatever other issues got in the way last time?? It's way easier to say I love you remote than in person. The other thing is how do you think he would handle the fact that you have a child??? Make sure that whatever you decide you are being realistic and not just romantic.

 

Reaching Skywards

[magda]

He's still choosing others over you. If it hurts so bad to not be with him, why did you leave him in the first place? You answered that - but I'm not seeing that part where any of that has changed.

 

Sometimes I hear a song on the radio that I didn't so much like when it came out, but I remember that time in my life when I hear it and for that reason I listen to the song. I download songs I remember from certain times in my life. When I hear them, I remember why I didn't like them, but it's still a thing that I associate with "the way things were... the good ole days". You know what I'm saying? Could it be you long for your old self, your old life? The things you had to escape when you left home? He represents the good things and your continued involvement from afar has confirmed this. He can't exactly leave you for his friends in an email or on the phone. And it never worked out for him to arrange to see you... Perhaps in Japan you haven't enough friends and you are lonely simply for more companionship. Like sometimes you think you are hungry, but really you are only thirsty. Perhaps things will get better when you arrive back in the states.

 

What are his problems with his wife?

Has he changed his "clubbin lifestyle"?

Would you not miss your husband at all if you left him?

Does your husband love you?

Why does it "kill you everyday" that you can't be with your ex? What is it that would be different if he was around? Why are you so unhappy and miserable with your husband?

When you got married as your ticket outta there, did you intend to stay with your husband and have a child?

[crazimonkey]

One thing is you should never stick with something that makes you unhappy. If you do it can often lead to worse things such as becoming and alcoholic, doing drugs, and i'm not saying that will happen. Those are possibilities. What you really need to look into is seeing if you could even fall in love with someone. Another thing is your ex is your ex you must have broken up for a logical reason and that's another thing to think about. I have a friend whose mom had her when she was 15 the mother went through so many guys b/c she was in your situation where she wasn't in love with her current husband but her ex. My friend did not want to meet any of her moms b/f because she hated seeing her mom get hurt. It had gotten so bad that my friend moved in with her aunt and uncle to which were my god parents. My friend pulled away from her mom. You really need to think what's in the best interest for your son also. But put yourself in the topic also just mainly your child. I'm sure you don't want you kid to go through such problems in the future. Good Luck!

[Mrs.Phat]

Magda,

Thanks for replying. To answer your questions, I left him, because the family member I was staying with re-located. I had no choice.(military thing) The only thing I long for is HIM. The problems with his wife is: She wanted all his attention. She didn't want him to work on his music. She didn't want to take care of the house while he was at work. I really don't know. I only know what he says. I guess she just wasn't feeling him. He thinks she just wanted a baby by him 'cause he was in the military....only she knows. Yes, he has changed his lifestyle. He works, takes care of his son, and works on his music. I probably would miss my husband if I left him, he his my childs father. Do I love him...NO. Will I love him...it's been almost three years, I doubt it. Yes, my husband loves me. I'm unhappy with my husband because he just don't do it for me. If I was with my ex, I would be floatin' on cloud nine. Did I intend to stay with my husband????That's a good one. All I know is, I don't wanna be with him now.

 

reachingskywards,

Thanks for your reply. We both have changed. He has a child too, and we've talked about that. Since we share the same feelings, our kids are not an issue.

iamtastee

Your reply was right on point. All I can say is, I'm so glad you responded. I haven't been able to talk to anybody else that could understand what I am going through....thanks.

[Mrs.Phat]

crazimonkey,

 

Hi, we broke up 'cause of stupid reasons, and I left shortly after that.(staying was not an option.) We both think we could work whatever problems we had/have out. I've been trying to fall in love with my husband, but it just ain't happening. My child is the main reason I'm still here. I don't want to uproot him to go to nothing. I just don't know what to do.

[magda]

She wanted all his attention.

Doesn't that sound familiar? It rings bells from me. Of course he's going to phrase everything to be her fault. I wonder what he told friends was his reason for breaking with you. You said you left him on bad terms before, you didn't mention there being no choice... plus you didn't commit at that point - he got the other girl pregnant, you got married, you didn't talk for a long time...

 

Well, from your answers, I dunno anything! I'm not really thinking your ex is the perfect guy, but you say you're miserable with your husband. The perfect guy is probably neither! But I think you should try to push these feelings aside mostly and re-examine seriously upon returning to the states. I'm assuming you're financially dependent on your husband, is that correct? Because that kind of limits your options.

[magda]

I've been trying to fall in love with my husband

But you've been calling the other guy!

[Mrs.Phat]

Magda:

 

I do think about some of the questions you asked. When I listen to him talk to me about her, I can sometimes understand why she may have been acting the way she was. I have brought that to his attention. Of course he doesn't agree.

Yeah, your right about me depending on my husband. That's another reason I'm scared. Should I suck it up? Should I stop communicating with my ex? I'm only 21.....Help! You may also be right about neither of them being right for me. That's why I"m stuck between a rock and a hard place....I'm just not happy.

[Mrs.Phat]

Magda

 

I've been calling the other guy because aside from my son, he's the only thing that makes me happy. Everything my husband does isn't good enough. I don't even like sleeping in the same bed with him!

[befuddled11]

First of all, your post is cold hard proof that young people shouldn't get married so young. You obviously didn't know diddly about what "marriage" is all about....or marrying someone because you LOVE THEM. You married your husband for your own convenience, to get you out of a tough situation at home. DO you think that was fair to him? The poor guy. Does he KNOW you don't love him and never have?

 

And maybe it's part of immaturity, but if you didn't love him...why on earth would you have a BABY with him? Why would you bring a child into this loveless joke of a marriage? Now eventually, through no fault of your child, he or she is going to end up the child of a broken home. Weren't really thinkin' much about your child's future, hey?

 

How sad that as soon as you and your new husband got to Japan, you went ahead and contacted your ex. That's about as wrong as it gets. You're basically USED your husband, who was good enough to marry you, as a "way out"....as something to help you make a child with.....and to provide for you.....and then you turn around and betray him with your ex who's likely still the partying, trollin' dude he was when you broke up with him?

 

Don't you feel ashamed and guilty for what you're doing here? Your husband doesn't deserve this kind of betrayal......and your child doesn't deserve it either. Is this all about you??

 

You're obviously pretty darn delusional......because there's your ex, MARRIED HIMSELF *with a child*........telling you nothing but "words" (I love you)...and you're falling for it. Words mean nothing. You don't have any idea what he'd be like to be married to, or live with. He could very likely be the same "clubbin'" type of guy he was back then. You don't even really know him any more. And there you are, married with your own child, carrying on with him.

 

I feel so sorry for your husband, and for your ex's wife. I'm sure they had no idea they'd end up marrying dishonest, immoral twits.

 

It's all pretty damn messed up. You are clearly too immature to be married with a child.

 

This is exactly the reason so many children come from broken homes..and grow up very confused and screwed up...not ever having had good parental role models..that taught them about commitment, family, marriage, love.

 

I have no advice for you, except to maybe get your head and heart examined.

[magda]

Then I think you should start by working towards getting yourself independent. Anything will help. You probably have lots of spare time in Japan, maybe take some online courses. Think about your future only with you and your baby. You always need a back-up plan. What if there were no men in the world: what does Mr.s Phat do with herself? It will give you more confidence even if you don't need to support yourself - to know you can.

 

I think it would be wise to stop talking to your ex for awhile. See what he does. How his divorce goes. Whether he calls you, how much he misses you, whether he's serious about the divorce and whether serious about you, and your son as well.

[Mrs.Phat]

Magda

 

I was going to take classes to get my degree in Psychology. My husband thinks it's a bad idea since they may not transfer my credits. He wants me to wait 'til we get to the states.(about another six months) He's out to sea all the time. I stay at home with my son. Don't have any friends that I can talk to....it makes things hard.

 

It will give you more confidence even if you don't need to support yourself - to know you can. -I AGREE.

 

I try to do things to get my mind off of him. If I catch myself thinking about him, I quickly switch thoughts. I am on this site right now, because if I wasn't, I would be talking to him.

 

 

I think it would be wise to stop talking to your ex for awhile. See what he does. How his divorce goes. Whether he calls you, how much he misses you, whether he's serious about the divorce and whether serious about you, and your son as well.- I AM DOING THAT RIGHT NOW.(LITERALLY)

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by Mrs.Phat

Magda

 

I've been calling the other guy because aside from my son, he's the only thing that makes me happy. Everything my husband does isn't good enough. I don't even like sleeping in the same bed with him!

 

Is everything YOU DO "good enough"? What an arrogant, rotten thing to say about your husband. He was obviously good enough to give you a son, now wasn't he? And you obviously didn't mind sleeping with him enough such that you had a son together?

 

You're barely 22, and based on your posts...you are no where even close to being mature enough for marriage and family. And actually, that's quite understandable at your age, in some respects.

 

You never even GAVE your husband a fair shot..because the minute you moved to Japan, you were contacting your ex. You have not even TRIED to make your marriage work. But I bet you've never minded the money your husband has spent to put a roof over your head and food on the table. You have been the ultimate USER. And you continue to betray him and use him.

 

You have this idealistic, fantasy-like notion that your ex is this great guy. You only know what he tells you about himself. He could be the biggest arsehole on the earth. He could be abusive to his wife, he could be lazy, he could be rude and nasty, he could be a lousy father, he could expect women to kiss his arse and be the type of husband who expects his wife to sit at home barefoot and pregnant, cleaning and scrubbing and not having any dreams or goals of her own. You are naive. You're only remembering the guy you knew (and broke up with) at the ripe old age of 18. He could be the biggest Son of a B*tch now. Of course he can tell and type to you, nice sweet words.......but that doesn't mean anything. He might just be diggin' the attention he's getting from you, but in truth, has no intention whatsoever about divorcing his wife for you. Get out of La La Land, little girl.

 

You are not only disrespecting your own marriage, you are disrespecting HIS...by continuing to communicate with a married man......and professing your love to him. You're both immature.

 

You should do the honorable thing and divorce your husband when you get back to the U.S., and then take a break from men altogether..so that you can grow the heck up.....and learn to be self-sufficient......and not be so needy and "must have a man." Did you finish school? Do you have any skills? Could you even survive on your own? I feel very sorry for your husband and son. Neither of them deserve this.

[magda]

Wellll... a degree in psych is cool. 6 months is a long time to wait - you can do at least a whole semester of work in that time. What school are you planning to attend, if you know? Many many schools offer their courses online. So you may be able to start early at the same school you plan to attend, or a school that's definately transferable. Or simply research whether they will take transfer credits from outside online courses and if so which.

 

Even if it's all in vain, you need something to do! Six months is too long to pace around when you could be working on something!

 

I wish you the best of luck. It's not easy, but I think you're alright.

[Mrs.Phat]

befuddled11 ; Magda

 

When I said everything he do isn't good enough, all I was saying was, since I don't love him, it will never be good enough. My husband is very aware of our lack of sex life....that's a different issue., which causes problems in our relationship. I never said I was perfect. I have told my husband I don't love him. He thinks I'm in denial. I am upfront with my feelings. He chooses to ignore them. I have told my husband I wanted a divorce long before my son was born....he thinks I will grow to love him. It's not like I'm leading him on. He new I only married him to get away from home. I have no problem with "keepin' it real". I do let it be known how I'm feeling.

[Mrs.Phat]

Magda

 

As a matter of fact, I've already been accepted to Ashworth College. Now it's just a matter of me starting.

 

Thanks for giving me your point of view!!

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by Mrs.Phat He thinks I'm in denial. I am upfront with my feelings. He chooses to ignore them. I have told my husband I wanted a divorce long before my son was born....he thinks I will grow to love him.

 

Well dear, if you were so "not in love" and so wanting a divorce long before your son was born, why were you using your husband for sex and letting yourself get pregnant?

 

I have a really hard time believing that you openly, from the start, told your husband, "look, I'm just looking to marry someone, anyone..just to get me away from home. I don't love you, I likely never will"

 

And I have a hard time believing that you continue to tell him you don't love him. If the above is true, you're a very selfish, coldhearted cruel individual...and I hope he dumps your butt on the curb soon, and takes custody of your son.

[Mrs.Phat]

befuddled11

 

First of all, I was not using my husband for sex!!!....I wish it was good enough for me to use him. About me getting pregnant? That's none of your business.

 

It is not my problem that you find it hard to believe that someone can be honest and up front with how they feel. He says I'm too honest, and I shouldn't be so up-front. If I were selfish and cold-hearted, then I would just cheat on him, and use him for what he has.

 

If being cruel is telling the truth, then yes, I am a cruel individual.

 

P.S. Whatever does happen, my son will be with me....his mother!!!

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by Mrs.Phat

befuddled11

 

First of all, I was not using my husband for sex!!!....I wish it was good enough for me to use him. About me getting pregnant? That's none of your business.

 

Anything you post here on this forum become "up for discussion", sorry to break it to you..and therefore, your getting pregnant by a husband you had SUPPOSEDLY told you wanted a divorce from, that's just plain rude. How many women out there do you think, who didn't love their husbands, who didn't want to be married to them, would actually get themself pregnant? Not many, I wouldn't think. By allowing this to happen, you sent your husband a message that you wanted him and wanted to have a family with him. If that's not the case, then you lied to him and used him to make you a baby. What part of this don't you get? He's not the one in denial, you are. Shame on you for not giving marriage the respect it deserves. Marriage shouldn't be used to get yourself a free ride or a "way out" of an unfavorable situation. Though I can see that you don't understand the concept of marriage, afterall.....you've been betraying your husband from the beginning of your marriage, by remaining in contact with your ex, even going so far as to professing your LOVE to your ex. Your son deserves a better role model than this.

 

It is not my problem that you find it hard to believe that someone can be honest and up front with how they feel. He says I'm too honest, and I shouldn't be so up-front. If I were selfish and cold-hearted, then I would just cheat on him, and use him for what he has.

 

I find it amazingly impossible to believe that you told your husband up front, from the start, that you were just going to USE HIM.......and that you regularly tell him to his face that you don't love him and never will. I also find it hard to believe that you're so honest as to tell him that you've been in communication with your ex for all this time.....and that you and the ex are supposedly "in love" with one another. No husband would keep a wife around who is this "honest"...so I don't believe you are as honest as you profess.

 

And as for this bit about if you were selfish and cold-hearted, you would be cheating on your husband. GIRLFRIEND, YOU ARE CHEATING ON HIM. You are having an emotional affair with your ex. You are sneaking around behind your husband's back, from the start of your marriage, telling the ex you love him.......and wanting to be with him, and hoping he'll divorce his wife to be with you. Likely the only reason you haven't had sex with the ex is because it's not possible at this point.......to get together. But I am willing to bet that if the ex called you up and said he was just down the street and would you like to get together, you'd be in bed with him in a heartbeat..afterall, you "love each other."

 

And you ARE using him for what he has. He's working to support you. He's the reason you have a roof over your head. He's the reason you have clothes on your back and food in your stomach. He's also the reason you have a son....and all the while, you so openly and callously admit you don't love him. If you WEREN'T using him, you would be women enough to leave him.......and support yourself. But why would you do that when you've got a free ride now, plus the perks of having this little fantasy affair with the ex (who's married and with a child).

 

You obviously don't "get it." Emotional infidelity is just as wrong as physical infidelity. If your husband catches on to what you're playing, he has great grounds for divorce...and will have EVERY RIGHT to file for full custody of your son. Just because you're the Mother, big deal. A mother should be someone who is true to her husband and family......not making plans with another man and using her husband for a free ride. A father has just as much right to have custody of a child as a mother does...especially when he can prove his wife was using him and betraying him. A child deserves a role model that will teach them, by example, about honesty, faithfulness, fidelity and morals. You lost the ball on these, little girl.

 

If being cruel is telling the truth, then yes, I am a cruel individual.

 

P.S. Whatever does happen, my son will be with me....his mother!!!

[Mrs.Phat]

befuddled11

 

We are all entitled to our opinions. You have your view on things, and that's fine. I came to this site to get other people views, and advice....so I ain't mad at cha!! I do know what I tell my husband, and I know what he tells me. My husband is 30 years old, and he has his thoughts about things. He has already said he will never take my son from me. If he eventually decided to give me the divorce I've been asking for, then that is it....no need to waste anymore of each others time.