Is My Girlfriend of 7 Years a Selfish Liar and Using Me?

[NotSoSunnyinNJ]

Ok. So the title is sort of harsh. I will try my best to make a very long story somewhat shorter. But I need some serious advice. I really don't know where to turn. If you get tired of reading, please just skip down to the last few questions part. I've included a background section in case it helps.

 

------------BACKGROUND--------------------

 

I'm 34. My girlfriend is 28. We met when I was 28 and she was 21. It has been a LONG time and we have been through some great but a lot of AWFUL things.

 

The first year we started dating got off to a rocky start. She had just broken up with her boyfriend. After a few months of casual dating, where I later found out that she was still seeing a few of her x's, we made things official. Looking back, the first few years of dating were great. She would do anything for me, we spent a lot of time together, we were totally in love, etc.

 

After two years, we thought it was a good idea to move in together. Things became awful.

 

She has always been a stubborn and selfish person, but she started going out with her friends (and not me) all the time and almost exclusively. We would constantly fight. She would come home late, ALWAYS make plans with her friends first over me and not care if she picked fights. It became apparent to me that I was a 2nd class citizen.

 

She has always had a "b**tchy", "independent", "I don't care attitude", but it escalated as we lived together. If I were to describe her to someone, it would be "she does what she wants and doesn't care what anyone thinks". While this is good in an independent sense, it has broken me down over the years where even if she is 100% wrong I have to apologize or reconciliation would never happen. She refuses to admit when she's wrong.

 

The major problem she had was that we had been dating for longer than most of her friends, and they were all getting engaged, while we were not. She brought this up almost every day. The major problem I had was that she acted like she didn't respect me and I didn't trust her.

 

After a series of fights, she moved out. The move out was tough, but she constantly called me and told me she couldn't imagine her life without me. We continued to date for about 6 months. Things were bad, ok, bad, ok, good, bad, etc. Like a roller coaster. I always put her first. She seemed to do whatever she wanted. Most of the fights revolved around a few incidents were I would catch her texting other men or hiding her phone. She always claimed that she wasn't doing anything wrong... or that the men were just her "friends". It escalated to the point where I didn't trust her at all and never truly got over it.

 

One day she came to me and told me she "didn't want to date me anymore". We broke up. Months passed and she would often call or text me telling me how much she missed me, but didn't want to "be in a relationship with me right now". I've often heard to this happening around this time as the Grass is Greener syndrome.

 

After about 5 months apart, we talked one night. She told me she realized she made a mistake and knew that I was the only person she wanted in her life. After 5 months of hell being alone for me, I agreed to try and work it out. I told myself, she was VERY young when we started dating and VERY immature. Hopefully her actions were something that was based on immaturity.

 

For almost six months after I agreed to get back together with her, her words fell flat. She would constantly tell me she wanted to be with me, marry me, loved me, but she continued to do whatever she wanted (i.e. put me second to plans with her friends, I would find her texting other guys, she would always have an excuse.. i.e. it's one of her "guy" friends).

 

Eventually things came to a head. In glancing at her phone, I saw a few text messages from a strange phone number on her phone that appeared to be inappropriate. My distrust made me look at her call records one night and I discovered that they were from a married co-worker. The messages talked about "meeting up" and "missing hanging out with you". When I confronted her she proclaimed innocence, denying that he ever texted her. When I revealed that I had seen the messages, she still denied it. Told me I was seeing things and she didn't care and she didn't want to date someone who would accuse her of such things. I knew she was lying and stopped talking to her.

 

I tried to move on, but I couldn't. I reached out to her a little over a week later. I eventually got her to admit that the married co-worker sent her the messages, but she said that he was just a "flirty" guy and that nothing bad ever happened. She said that they were just very good friends who sometimes spent time together outside of work in group settings and that he was in an awful marriage and was only still married because of their kids.

 

I didn't and still don't believe her, but I took her words at face value and decided to try and accept that maybe she wasn't lying and hadn't cheated on me despite all the evidence.

 

For months, things were again bad, good, ok, bad good, etc. We would get in fights constantly. She continued to do whatever she wanted. It got to a boiling point and one day I told her it was over. She reacted by insulting me, yelling, etc. Told me I was making the biggest mistake ever. It was devistating for me, but I made up my mind that the relationship was not healthy.

 

For weeks she begged for me back. She promised to do everything, anything, etc. And, eventually I consented. Like every time I took any sort of action, initially she would be great (act nice, go out of her way to do things, etc.). And then as the weeks passed, she would turn back into her old self again... appearing to me to only care about herself. I brought this attitude up 100's of times. And every time she told me... "you think about your feelings too much... I am independent and will always be independent and do what I want".

 

About 4 months ago, her lease came up for renewal. She said she needed to save money and would either move in with me or her sister. I am sure she preferred living with me because I was almost 45 minutes closer to her work. I thought, if we had a normal life together where we saw each other every day, it would help me build trust and make things better. So I had her move in.

 

Moving in started out good. We were getting along very well. She started to bring up her frustration with not being married again yet. She would sometimes get in "bad" moods, when I asked her what was wrong - she referenced the fact that all her other friends were engaged or married. I reassure her that I did want to get married and we would do so when the time was right. In all honesty, I still have my doubts and don't know if it's the right thing. Although, I am admittedly overly cautious.

 

Then, shortly after moving in, she told me she was in significant debt and could barely pay her rent. She said that because I have more money and a better paying job (both of which are true), I should be paying for more other things so she could save money. She brought up numerous examples of other friends she knows whose significant others pay for everything. And told me, she knows friends whose boyfriends don't make them pay any rent when they are living together. She said she agreed to pay me rent so she would do so, but her even bringing this up made me feel like less of a man; how come these other guys were paying for everything for their girlfriends and I wasn't?

 

Last week she told me she needed to borrow $5,000 to pay off one of her credit cards because it was charging her almost 25% interest and she couldn't afford to pay it. While I'm not rich, I had the money and could have given it to her, but based on our history of constant fights, her moving out, I didn't really want to. Even more so, I'm aware that she racked up this credit card debt by buying expensive clothing, watches, purses, etc. I didn't want to just give her the money to have her spend more. I mentioned this, and she said, "I am saving much more than I ever had. Every once in a while I will buy nice things for myself... I have always lived in the now... I could die tomorrow, why shouldn't I buy what I want today?"

 

A few days later she was acting distant. When I asked why, she told me her sister gave her the money minutes after she asked for it. She said this really showed her my viewpoint when her sister gave her the money right away and I didn't.

 

I know I shouldn't have, but I looked on her Facebook wall using a friend's account. There was a message from one of those "guy friends" (who I am 95% shore she dated when we broke up) who I know she hasn't talked to in a VERY long time saying, "it was good to talk to you today". Immediately after I get a message from her apologizing to me for picking the fight about the money.

 

Currently, it's a strange scenario:

 

-We've dated for 7 years. Unfortunately, I've had a lot of my friends and family move away or settle down in their own relationships and not have much time anymore so my life revolves primarily around her

 

-We're living together

 

- I've reached the point in my life where I want to get married and have children (I'm not getting any younger)

 

-A majority of the time (mostly when we're alone together) things are good. We get along well, have almost identical common interests and she's affectionate

 

-But 10% of the time it's not good. She still has that "do whatever I want" attitude and I am very concerned about her selfishness. And, it's not just with me, I see her act the same way with her parents and family

 

---------QUESTIONS---------------------------

 

So here are my issues:

 

I love her and she makes me extremely happy. When it comes down to it, I would rather spend my time with her than anyone else.

 

AND

 

I could honestly see me spending the rest of my life with her and part of me really wants her to be my wife and the mother of my children.

 

But there are some major problems:

 

-She's selfish. I know that a lifetime with her will involve me mostly giving in and being responsible for a majority of things (she doesn't cook or clean and is really not that responsible)

 

-I still don't completely trust her loyalty based on her track record. I honestly don't think I will ever believe that she didn't cheat on me with the married co-worker. Because of this the thought frequently crosses my mind and it wouldn't surprise me to learn that she is still talking to the married co-worker or other "guy friends" just as a back up in case things don't work out with us. I guess when it comes down to it, I think she would be the type that would be more likely to cheat on her husband

 

-I don't think she respects me as much as I respect and do things for her. If she would go out of her way to do what I wanted to do or cater to any of my needs, it would be a different story. But that's not her. She does what she wants. If I don't want to do it, that's fine, she'll do it herself or with one of her friends.

 

-I am concerned one of the reasons she's with me is for money and worry that if I can't give her financially what she feels she deserves (big house, nice car, etc. - things that all her friends have from the men they married who are all successful) she might leave me for someone who will

 

-----------------------------

 

Can these things OR, more importantly, should these things be something that should be overcome? Or, do I need to cut my losses and move on?

 

I realize that many of you will advise that I need to "get my balls back". That is probably true. I tell myself, you love her, but this girl makes you miserable. Part of me says, you are being too sensitive, jealous of messages that could be innocent on a facebook wall, etc. And part of me says you don't need to put up with this and such messages are not kosher.

 

I know it's difficult to get a full picture based on a posting. So if you have any questions feel free to ask? There are many more details I didn't have the time to write.

[smudge21]

That sure is a rollercoaster there, I don't know though, whether to say well done for hanging in there, or calling you a fool for staying with someone like that. I can understand your reasons for staying, but I can also see so many reasons for getting out.

 

You have to step back and evaluate everything about this relationship and also see it how others see it. What's so great about her that's worth all this suffering? I know you're in love, I appreciate that, we all do here, and know how hard it is to walk away from someone you have such strong feelings for. Also, if this was someone else, what would you say to them about all this.

 

Sorry to say this, but I don't think she loves you, not as you'd want someone to love you anyway. I think she needs you and sees you as a stable part of her life, someone to be there for her, someone to look after her and tend to her wounds, help her out when needed and be a sholder to cry on... oh and also a bit of financial assistance here and there. But sadly none of that means squat without love in a relationship. The way she acts towards you seems to suggest she has no respect for you either, as you've let her get away with so much and continue to take her back. Without that respect how can you truly give yourself to someone in a loving lasting relationship. I don't think you can.

 

Sorry if my words are hurting, but you said a lot and this is how I see it. I'm sure you'd rather I reply honestly rather than sugar coat it.

 

There is so much cause for concern and reasons to doubt her, but you won't get to the bottom of this if you keep avoiding it and running back when she plays all sweet and loving to you. I know it's hard when you love someone so much, you just want to see them with those rose-tinted glasses on and avoid any negatives. You can even refuse to accept the negatives when they're looking you right in the face.

 

With all that said, I do believe there is always a chance to save any relationship, but it's going to take major changes from both of you - for starters you'll need to be tougher and stick to what you say. She'll also need to truly believe that unless she changes then you're gone for good. There are plenty of relationship experts out there who can help, but unless both of you are really 100% aiming to work things out and make the relationship work, then no amount of councilling will help.

 

You need to decide what it is you really want. As the way things stand right now, could you honestly marry and have kids with this woman considering all that's happened? I very much doubt it and it wouldn't be a healthy environment to bring any child into. Changes need to be made one way or another, whether than means getting help and trying to work through the problems, or by walking away.

 

That's my take on what you said from a first read through. I may have more but I'm sure others will give their opinions too, and I bet a few will be a bit more harsh than I've been.

[Arabella]

Please, listen to your own advice and go get your balls back.

 

You seem to be an incredibly reasonable man, giving her all these opportunities to prove herself, and then some. But there is a fine line between being reasonable and being a doormat. You've long crossed over, and you need to come back in a hurry.

 

Seven years is long enough to know whether someone is wife material or not. She clearly isn't. Marriage and parenthood are not for selfish people like her. Given her behavior towards you, can you imagine she would be a good mother to your children? I don't think so.

 

You love her... I know you do. But given your lack of trust and her obvious inability to improve her behavior, you need to cut your losses.

 

Best of luck,

 

Arabella

[fetish1980]

Perfect example of that saying "People will never change."

 

Man i swear, reading your story, as many times as you repeated the mistake of taking her back, i thought i had been reading the same paragraphs over and over again. Really! No disrespect, but you threw your self respct out the window by taking her back many times and more. She must've been pretty hot!

 

Listen to yourself man. seriously

 

So here are my issues:

 

I love her and she makes me extremely happy. When it comes down to it, I would rather spend my time with her than anyone else.

 

Despite any good times you have, how can anyone you don't trust truly make you happy? With all the text messages and discoveries going on, what happiness do find in always having to look over your shoulder to see what she's up to, doing or not doing? I mean she's a LIAR bro!

 

I could honestly see me spending the rest of my life with her and part of me really wants her to be my wife and the mother of my children.

 

I refer to my above statement on this one too.

 

But there are some major problems:

 

-She's selfish. I know that a lifetime with her will involve me mostly giving in and being responsible for a majority of things (she doesn't cook or clean and is really not that responsible)

 

When someone is selfish, that is clearly someone who's not ready to enter in matrimony. I learned too because my ex was selfish and it ultimately killed our relationship.

 

-I still don't completely trust her loyalty based on her track record. I honestly don't think I will ever believe that she didn't cheat on me with the married co-worker. Because of this the thought frequently crosses my mind and it wouldn't surprise me to learn that she is still talking to the married co-worker or other "guy friends" just as a back up in case things don't work out with us. I guess when it comes down to it, I think she would be the type that would be more likely to cheat on her husband

 

Trust is the key word here. How can you want to be married and have kids with someone you can't trust? Whether she had an affair or not, she was probably considering it. No matter how hard you try and deal with that, it will always be in the back of your mind and being married to her, you'll be thinking, "Wow, what a sucker i am for staying with her!"

 

 

-I don't think she respects me as much as I respect and do things for her. If she would go out of her way to do what I wanted to do or cater to any of my needs, it would be a different story. But that's not her. She does what she wants. If I don't want to do it, that's fine, she'll do it herself or with one of her friends.

 

This relationship is clearly unbalanced. Relationships are never 50/50, but should be a trade off between 40/60 or 60/40. How often does she give her 60?

 

I was in the same boat with my ex towards the end where i felt i was always giving and she seldom gave back. What happened was resentment towards her built up on the inside of me. I guess looking back, it was my own fault for not dropping her sooner. I guess i was playing the ol' sucka for love

 

-I am concerned one of the reasons she's with me is for money and worry that if I can't give her financially what she feels she deserves (big house, nice car, etc. - things that all her friends have from the men they married who are all successful) she might leave me for someone who will

 

-----------------------------

 

Can these things OR, more importantly, should these things be something that should be overcome? Or, do I need to cut my losses and move on?

 

Pretty obvious. You took her back how many times? She ain't changing bro. It's hard to deal with someone who's been in your life for 7-8 years and someone you've shared alot of happy times with has gone bad. Believe me, i feel your pain. But she's expired, gone bad, no longer good for you and all about herself.

 

 

I realize that many of you will advise that I need to "get my balls back". That is probably true. I tell myself, you love her, but this girl makes you miserable. Part of me says, you are being too sensitive, jealous of messages that could be innocent on a facebook wall, etc. And part of me says you don't need to put up with this and such messages are not kosher.

 

This statement alone shows that you have some pretty good reasoning ability and can identify with things, but how many times do you have to walk inside a burning building before you know it's hot and dangerous? Yeah, i know you're hurting and i know how hard it is to let go of your loved one. But after the 2nd, time, i'd probably would've told you it was time to man up long time ago.

 

I can identify becasue me and my fiance broke up 6 months ago. I'm still in pain. She even tried to reconcile, but never acknowledged her actions which led to the breakup or even apologized or tried to see it from my point of view. I still love her deeply and have seen her a few times since we broke up, but i told her that i needed to stay single so i can look at myself. I wonder what my issues really are to where i'd take alot of crap off someone as we were together for 8 years. I tried to focs on the good times because we had plenty of good times. Even though we had good times, the few times things got bad, it was too much to weather the storms. It became evident she wasn't marriage material, was selfish, emotionally unstable, controlling, and disrespectful. I could've taken her back, and believe me part of me wants to and still kind of wishes i had. But when it's costing me valuable self respect to be with someone, they got to go!

 

fetish

[sweet honey eyes]

I agree with the responses you got so far. I totally understand you because that's how my ex boyfriend has been: selfish, self-centered and immature. They do NOT change... The future with them will be worse... I know that for a fact. Still it is hard to move.. but we have to! Otherwise, we will be very unhappy and we risk to lose our sanity! Good luck and Be strong!

[Chi townD]

Dude, this relationship is EXTREMELY toxic and if it isn't right for you, then it isn't right. Reverse the scenario's, if she found texts from girls on your phone, do you think that she would be so understanding? I think not! She'd go ballastic! She's definately having inappropriate relationships with other guys.

 

Dude, if you marry her, sorry to say, all I see in your future is divorce.

[Nohbody]

You are obviously a caring person, and I think you are also very strong to have eaten all the **** she's fed you - but you need to understand this:

 

Everyone CAN change

 

Most people DON'T. They do not change, it is a willful and conscious decision that many are unwilling to make - and you need to find someone who cares for you like you care for others. She doesn't deserve you. You can't see the forest for the trees now, but you will if you can extricate yourself from this situation, and you will have a better life for it.

[wilsonx]

---------QUESTIONS---------------------------

 

So here are my issues:

 

I love her and she makes me extremely happy. When it comes down to it, I would rather spend my time with her than anyone else.

 

AND

 

I could honestly see me spending the rest of my life with her and part of me really wants her to be my wife and the mother of my children.

 

But there are some major problems:

 

-She's selfish. I know that a lifetime with her will involve me mostly giving in and being responsible for a majority of things (she doesn't cook or clean and is really not that responsible)

 

-I still don't completely trust her loyalty based on her track record. I honestly don't think I will ever believe that she didn't cheat on me with the married co-worker. Because of this the thought frequently crosses my mind and it wouldn't surprise me to learn that she is still talking to the married co-worker or other "guy friends" just as a back up in case things don't work out with us. I guess when it comes down to it, I think she would be the type that would be more likely to cheat on her husband

 

-I don't think she respects me as much as I respect and do things for her. If she would go out of her way to do what I wanted to do or cater to any of my needs, it would be a different story. But that's not her. She does what she wants. If I don't want to do it, that's fine, she'll do it herself or with one of her friends.

 

-I am concerned one of the reasons she's with me is for money and worry that if I can't give her financially what she feels she deserves (big house, nice car, etc. - things that all her friends have from the men they married who are all successful) she might leave me for someone who will

 

-----------------------------

 

Can these things OR, more importantly, should these things be something that should be overcome? Or, do I need to cut my losses and move on?

 

I realize that many of you will advise that I need to "get my balls back". That is probably true. I tell myself, you love her, but this girl makes you miserable. Part of me says, you are being too sensitive, jealous of messages that could be innocent on a facebook wall, etc. And part of me says you don't need to put up with this and such messages are not kosher.

 

I know it's difficult to get a full picture based on a posting. So if you have any questions feel free to ask? There are many more details I didn't have the time to write.

 

Don't listen to anyone that calls you a fool or an idiot. This was not your fault at all. This has nothing to do with getting your balls back. Whats funny is there is a guy on this forum right NOW that is dealing with the same thing but he let his ex back in his life right after posting on these same forums that others should not.

 

Look, I just went through a miserable relationship that cycled through 2 times just like this. Mine was only 18 months though. I will tell you that if people have not ever gone through this type of relationship, they have no ****ing clue how emotionally draining, self esteem crushing, manipulative bitches these type of people are. You either stand up to them and they leave for a while, or you allow them to trample over you while you constantly walk through eggshells the entire relationship and they still leave you and come back.

 

I am going to tell you right now, you need to end the relationship asap and kick her out and tell her to go to her sisters place or whatever. You are not responsible for her anymore. If you can't do it because you feel dead/worthless inside, you need to see someone. I'd still suggest seeing someone after she is gone, you will learn so much about yourself and about her type from them. As someone else has already posted, she is toxic for your mental health and she needs to go.

 

She will never admit shes wrong, never! She probably has never once apologized to you in the relationship without having pointing it out to her that she owes you one. She will never change. Don't count on it ever. She thinks everything she does is right. She doesnt respect you at all. She stays with you because you are safe and comfortable and thats it. She's extremely egocentric and tries to control everyone in her life including her friends. Shes a liar even when you showed her the messages. It means she is or has cheated on you with him. Want to know how I know, I just went through the same ****, except i caught my ex actually with the guy.

 

Don't even consider marriage or kids for a while, it will be a major mistake if you do. You need to focus on your health and mental well being right now.

 

Read the post "I am no longer attracted to you " thread in my signature. I have been in your shoes and would still be in your shoes if it wasn't for a couple key people on this forum and my dad who went through the same thing.

Edited August 17, 2011 by wilsonx

[NotSoSunnyinNJ]

Thank you for your feedback. Essentially you confirmed what I already know. If I do stay with this woman, down the road there is a very good chance that it will end badly based on her track record. Most of you are right: I have put up with much more than most other people would. I don't know why, but I feel this unbinding sense of loyalty to her after 7 years and I can't bring myself to break it.

 

The truth is, yes I want someone who treats me perfectly, respects me, is easy to get along with, etc. but there is a voice in the back of my head that keeps saying: "no one is perfect, you're not perfect, how can you expect someone else to be perfect? Maybe you are too sensitive, maybe you are over reacting... maybe what she's done is not as bad as you make it out to be? Maybe she was just young and acting out. Yes, she's selfish. Yes, maybe she lied. But, I've also lied to her about things. It could be worse. You could be dating someone who is a drug addict? Or who leads a double life? Or is physically or verbally abusive."

 

In my case, I have already invested 7 years - a good portion of my life with one person. Her family has become like my family since I no longer have any in the area. I don't know anything else. And the feeling of how miserable I was for over 6 months when we broke up (couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, etc.); I would do anything to avoid it. I know in my head, I tried the single life for MANY MANY years, and I never met anyone that I was as remotely attracted to as her. I went through stints of years before I met her where I dated some truly awful women. History does not make me eager to be single.

 

It's hard because she's the type of girl I've always wanted to be with. Extremely attractive, fun, life of the party, etc. She's the type of girl that men instantly gravitate to when she walks in the room; a lot of which is based on her looks. I've even had acquaintances of mine make comments to me along the lines of... "damm, if that was my girlfriend, I would let her do whatever she wants...". The reality is, I know as soon as I push her away there will be dozens of men waiting to scoop her up. I shouldn't care, but I do.

 

As many of you who have been through this know, it is an extremely difficult and life changing decision. And honestly it can never be said with certainty what is the right decision is.

 

What makes it even worse is the give and take. Meaning, in my head I can tell myself when she acts a certain way; this is not how a person who loves someone treats someone else. But then again, no one is in a great mood all the time and she justifies it: "You're just overly uptight... you read into things too much... you're the one whose insecurities cause problems... it's normal for girls to have guy friends and text them or send them messages on facebook... it's normal for couples to fight... I'm not doing anything wrong, just living life and doing what I want to do" And then, even more so there's moments like this morning, where she randomly comes to me and tells me, "I love you so much, you make me so happy".

 

Having come this far, seven years, I don't know what to do?

 

Out of the blue tell her it's over and ask her to move out? What is my rationale? I don't trust you, I don't like the way you act after 7 years? Maybe I'm a giant wuss, but I just don't see that happening. And, I already know what she'll say: "You're crazy... you're negativity is the only thing that is wrong..."

 

This is awful.

[smudge21]

NotSoSunnyinNJ, I need to say more but would rather do it over PM or email ([email protected]).

[wilsonx]

Thank you for your feedback. Essentially you confirmed what I already know. If I do stay with this woman, down the road there is a very good chance that it will end badly based on her track record. Most of you are right: I have put up with much more than most other people would. I don't know why, but I feel this unbinding sense of loyalty to her after 7 years and I can't bring myself to break it.

 

The truth is, yes I want someone who treats me perfectly, respects me, is easy to get along with, etc. but there is a voice in the back of my head that keeps saying: "no one is perfect, you're not perfect, how can you expect someone else to be perfect? Maybe you are too sensitive, maybe you are over reacting... maybe what she's done is not as bad as you make it out to be? Maybe she was just young and acting out. Yes, she's selfish. Yes, maybe she lied. But, I've also lied to her about things. It could be worse. You could be dating someone who is a drug addict? Or who leads a double life? Or is physically or verbally abusive."

 

In my case, I have already invested 7 years - a good portion of my life with one person. Her family has become like my family since I no longer have any in the area. I don't know anything else. And the feeling of how miserable I was for over 6 months when we broke up (couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, etc.); I would do anything to avoid it. I know in my head, I tried the single life for MANY MANY years, and I never met anyone that I was as remotely attracted to as her. I went through stints of years before I met her where I dated some truly awful women. History does not make me eager to be single.

 

It's hard because she's the type of girl I've always wanted to be with. Extremely attractive, fun, life of the party, etc. She's the type of girl that men instantly gravitate to when she walks in the room; a lot of which is based on her looks. I've even had acquaintances of mine make comments to me along the lines of... "damm, if that was my girlfriend, I would let her do whatever she wants...". The reality is, I know as soon as I push her away there will be dozens of men waiting to scoop her up. I shouldn't care, but I do.

 

As many of you who have been through this know, it is an extremely difficult and life changing decision. And honestly it can never be said with certainty what is the right decision is.

 

What makes it even worse is the give and take. Meaning, in my head I can tell myself when she acts a certain way; this is not how a person who loves someone treats someone else. But then again, no one is in a great mood all the time and she justifies it: "You're just overly uptight... you read into things too much... you're the one whose insecurities cause problems... it's normal for girls to have guy friends and text them or send them messages on facebook... it's normal for couples to fight... I'm not doing anything wrong, just living life and doing what I want to do" And then, even more so there's moments like this morning, where she randomly comes to me and tells me, "I love you so much, you make me so happy".

 

Having come this far, seven years, I don't know what to do?

 

Out of the blue tell her it's over and ask her to move out? What is my rationale? I don't trust you, I don't like the way you act after 7 years? Maybe I'm a giant wuss, but I just don't see that happening. And, I already know what she'll say: "You're crazy... you're negativity is the only thing that is wrong..."

 

This is awful.

 

Ok, so you know what you want... I bolded for you. If this is what you truly want and you dont strive to obtain it, then you are settling. It doesnt matter what imaginary things go on in your head. What you ask for is extremely reasonable. All you have right now is a trophy girlfriend that makes other guys go oooooh. Thats all she does for you. Seriously come on. I did the same thing. I asked my friends what they thought of her, her positive and negative qualities after the breakup. The only positive quality they all said was she was pretty. That was it.

 

If there was absolutely nothing wrong with this relationship, you would have never posted on the forums. If your instincts weren't telling you she was lying and using you, you would have never made that comment.

 

The number one thing you need to do is listen to yourself. Thats it. Stop calling yourself a wussy be a man and start listening to yourself. I have a question. Do you want to get married and have kids with this woman. Go read the marriage and separation forums. Long term relationship, has kids, woman gets up and leaves one day because she wants to and goes off with another man and takes full custody and half the assets of the guy. I'm sure you will read 3 of your stories on the first page alone. I quit reading them and thank god if there is one that I only had to deal with this lunatic situation for 18 months.

 

As for what you want to do, thats 100% up to you. You are going to be single again. You can choose to do it now. Or years from now with kids, ring, house involved.

 

Ending a relationship cleanly is going to be the hardest most difficult thing you will do in your life. You are going to feel so much guilt and regret, you aren't going to know what hit you. Its going to be longer then 6 months too. You just have to pull out the gun fire, and walk away. Close your ears, mind, etc and dont listen to anything she has to say.

 

Remember this is your decision on your life. I am just showing you the signs and patterns and reinforcing what you already know but wont admit to yourself. If you do pull the trigger, it has to be permanent and you must go full No Contact. Give yourself some time to think, start distancing yourself from her emotionally and physically.

Edited August 18, 2011 by wilsonx

[EgoJoe]

Get opinions from your guy friends who have experienced her in social settings with you. Also, see a Therapist.

 

If you love her and want it to work then you'll need to express yourself and your needs, wants and desires. Tell her whats what and if she can't respect your compassionate approach then you can very easily walk away knowing that in the face of adversity for the sake of love you did everything you could.

 

Check you www.bettermen.org and www.al.turtlecounseling.com and the book, "No more Mr. Nice Guy."

 

All the best. Congratulations on introspection before a touch decision, getting informed and reflecting is the best way to handle such issues.

[geegirl]

The truth is, yes I want someone who treats me perfectly, respects me, is easy to get along with, etc. but there is a voice in the back of my head that keeps saying: "no one is perfect, you're not perfect, how can you expect someone else to be perfect? Maybe you are too sensitive, maybe you are over reacting... maybe what she's done is not as bad as you make it out to be? Maybe she was just young and acting out. Yes, she's selfish. Yes, maybe she lied. But, I've also lied to her about things. It could be worse. You could be dating someone who is a drug addict? Or who leads a double life? Or is physically or verbally abusive."

 

Well, you're contradicting yourself. Which do you want? A person that respects you or a person that you'd settle for because you're too afraid to be alone. Yes, the best thing to do in life is compare everything you want in life to the worst. The moment you do that, you'll settle for anything. Compare what you want to the best. That way you achieve much more in life. If you're going to compare her to the worse of the worst, then you have a prize on your hands! Set the bar higher and compare her to what you want which is someone who is compatible with you, who treats you with respect, who can love you in a healthy manner. No one is perfect. You're exactly right. But don't justify a bad decision by brainwashing yourself into thinking that this is the best you can do. That's just limiting yourself to what you think is all you deserve. You know this.

 

 

In my case, I have already invested 7 years - a good portion of my life with one person. Her family has become like my family since I no longer have any in the area. I don't know anything else. And the feeling of how miserable I was for over 6 months when we broke up (couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, etc.); I would do anything to avoid it. I know in my head, I tried the single life for MANY MANY years, and I never met anyone that I was as remotely attracted to as her. I went through stints of years before I met her where I dated some truly awful women. History does not make me eager to be single.

 

So you invested 7 years in a toxic R. So the answer is to invest more years just because you feel it would be a waste? Investing additional years is what is going to be a waste. You don't know anything else because you've made her your life. Toxic R's are the hardest to detach from because after that many years of rollercoaster rides, you get off not knowing which way is up. You're confusing toxicity for passion.

 

You're afraid to be alone. That's it. You'd rather be in a bad R than be alone. You're co-dependent and cannot function if you are not an extension of someone else. If you have history of continually dating toxic women, and now you're in the same predicament, you have to ask yourself why you keep choosing these types of partners for yourself. The common denominator is you.

 

It's hard because she's the type of girl I've always wanted to be with. Extremely attractive, fun, life of the party, etc. She's the type of girl that men instantly gravitate to when she walks in the room; a lot of which is based on her looks. I've even had acquaintances of mine make comments to me along the lines of... "damm, if that was my girlfriend, I would let her do whatever she wants...". The reality is, I know as soon as I push her away there will be dozens of men waiting to scoop her up. I shouldn't care, but I do.

 

 

Everything you just pointed out about what attracts you to her is superficial. Shallow and of no substance. You just want to be the one that gets her. That's a boost to your ego. She's selfish, uncaring, she lies, she's manipulative, she's irresponsible, etc. What are her good points?

 

As many of you who have been through this know, it is an extremely difficult and life changing decision. And honestly it can never be said with certainty what is the right decision is.

 

What's life changing is the fact that you are going to invest more years and settle for what you know is bad for you.

 

Out of the blue tell her it's over and ask her to move out? What is my rationale? I don't trust you, I don't like the way you act after 7 years? Maybe I'm a giant wuss, but I just don't see that happening. And, I already know what she'll say: "You're crazy... you're negativity is the only thing that is wrong..."

 

You will be able to rationalize this when you decide that YOU do not want to be with a dysfunctional person and that you deserve a partner that is healthy for you. The moment you decide to put your well being and happiness first, you will not need to worry about justifying your reasons for breaking up with her. Until then, you will be manipulated and treated disrespectfully because at the end of the day, you have clearly shown her that it is perfectly alright to do so and you've clearly shown her that you'll fall for anything. If she told you the moon is the sun, you'd gladly believe it because you have become an extension of her.

 

Good decision making doesn't come by comparing your situation to the worse, but it comes from comparing it to the best. Stop comparing her to drug addicts, abusers, etc. to justify your need to settle.

Edited August 18, 2011 by geegirl

[CaliBabe]

I agree completely with Wilson...

 

Really think about this... You are asking us her on LS. If it was right you would know without a doubt. You wouldn't be here asking if this was the right decision. Remember this is for life, if kids are involved that makes it even more solidified. Please think about this thouroghly before you propose.