Why do people marry?

[Syzygypassion]

I can understand two people experiencing deep love for each other, sharing their lives and dying together. But just cant get my head around why two people need to get married.

 

Is its function purely social; a declartion of love to be witnessed by others, or perhaps a way of marking territory? Is it an obligation to religion, traditions and beliefs past on from our ancestors. Is it for legal reasons, for some kind of financial accountability. Do people believe that their children will be raised in an unstable environment if they dont.

 

What goes through peoples minds when they propose and decide they want to get married? is being unmarried inferior to being married to one another.

 

I guess I do hold cynical views towards marriage, but am genuinely interested in trying to understand why people do it. Im not trying to mock or take a stab at anyone (well at least not intentionally!).

 

It probally sounds like a childish question, but its something that has become less and less clear to me as I have gotten older. Every possible reason I could think of seems to go beyond the couple as a seperate entity, and appears to be driven by external factors.

Edited August 17, 2011 by Syzygypassion

[fooled once]

I can understand two people experiencing deep love for each other, sharing their lives and dying together. But just cant get my head around why two people need to get married.

 

Is its function purely social; a declartion of love to be witnessed by others, or perhaps a way of marking territory? Is it an obligation to religion, traditions and beliefs past on from our ancestors. Is it for legal reasons, for some kind of financial accountability. Do people believe that their children will be raised in an unstable environment if they dont.

 

What goes through peoples minds when they propose and decide they want to get married? Does being unmarried inferior to being married to one another.

 

I guess I do hold cynical views towards marriage, but am genuinely interested in trying to understand why people do it. Im not trying to mock or take a stab at anyone (well at least not intentionally!).

 

It probally sounds like a childish question, but its something that has become less and less clear to me as I have gotten older.

 

anyone who gets married for a party/social aspect is an idiot.

 

I married my H for love. Not for money, not for kids (we did not have kids together; we did that in our first marriages). We married because we want to be together and share out lives together. If there comes a time when we decide we are not happy, then we will not be together anymore.

 

I can't explain it to you. I just know when we said our vows in front of our parents and our kids we said words and made promises that we both have no problem keeping. I can't explain it to you because I don't think you want to hear it. I think you have made up your mind to be anti-marriage and that's fine; but please don't poo poo it for those of us who chose to marry.

 

He owns my heart and I own his. We support each other through all we go through. We love our time together. We laugh a lot. We share so many same views yet we have enough differences to keep things interest. We just 'click'. AND we don't have to share the other with someone else

 

We play to retire soon and spend our time traveling and various other hobbies. We enjoy each other and love each other.

 

Some marry for money, green cards, status or pregnancy. We didn't. We married because we truly love each other... warts and all. :love::love:

[reboot]

Around these here parts, often because of shotguns.

[Seraph1]

 

What goes through peoples minds when they propose and decide they want to get married? is being unmarried inferior to being married to one another.

 

Why did I get married? I was young and full of hopes and dreams that IT WOULD BE PERFECT. A happy ending with riding off into the sunset, blue birds singing and sunshine and lollipops! I believed that it was a sacred vow that I was tying my life to my soulmates in the most intimate and public way that I could.

 

There was social pressure too. Parents telling you it is the way it should be done, friends doing it, even the movies showing it as being the ultimate goal of a relationship! You also BELIEVE that it is the 'right thing to do' when you love someone and you want to be together.

 

I went into my marriage with the best of intentions and I was completely clueless about what it really would mean. I was with him for 7 years. Some of it good, most of it bad even though he was a good person. We just weren't on the same page in so many ways that the differences between us pushed us further and further apart until we were more like siblings than husband and wife.

 

I'll be honest, if I had met someone that made my heart beat faster...I would have had an affair and felt guilty all the while. But it would have sped up my finally ending my marriage THAT'S FOR SURE. Instead I kept ho humming and hoping that things would improve even when past history told me they wouldn't. You see, I'm not a quitter an admitting that I made a mistake was a bitter pill to swallow.

 

Our marriage actually strengthened for a while when I said 'divorce'. It was a false thing but I can tell you that it is a scary time and the ease with which I could have gone back into my miserable but comfortable hole (and he could have too) was sad. You have to find a lot of strength to stick to your guns...and I'll confess that I was stronger than my exH who is now quite happy with a new love while I am still single and dating. Go figure!

 

It takes more courage and commitment to get a divorce than to simply stay in a crappy marriage. It's a lot of work, a lot of pain and uncertainty and a lot of emotional BS for the most part...not to mention the financial horror of it all and the whole world turning on its side thing! Women can handle it better than men can in my experience.

[eleanor01]

@ Reboot:

 

^5 ^5

 

 

Ellie

[Feelin Frisky]

It's the ultimate commitment and people should always view it as a "forever" thing. Secondly, it ends some tremendously troubling question marks in people's lives and provides a higher measure of security than any other arrangement. Third, it communicates a certain message to one's family that says something people view as positive. It also communicates to the self that I'm good enough to have what other people in the family have. A parent who has a child who stays single into his or her middle age causes people to speculate and gossip--not just about what's "wrong" with the single person but how the parent might be wrong in raising that person. Fourth, it often solves what belongs to whom and gives a woman (usually) some legal assurance that she won't be cast off with nothing by a guy after she has invested her life in him. Fifth, it's a major stability construct for children where they often feel like the family is bonded and not fragile.

 

There are other reasons but these immediately came to mind.

[YeahDotDotDot]

I am interested in answering here because I have made a decision to never marry. When I was younger, I had a desire to get married because I was conditioned to believe this was my path. I also cared what others thought. As I grew older, I considered the institution of marriage without a child's mind and decided it is not for me.

[waytogo]

I can understand two people experiencing deep love for each other, sharing their lives and dying together. But just cant get my head around why two people need to get married.

 

Is its function purely social; a declartion of love to be witnessed by others, or perhaps a way of marking territory? Is it an obligation to religion, traditions and beliefs past on from our ancestors. Is it for legal reasons, for some kind of financial accountability. Do people believe that their children will be raised in an unstable environment if they dont.

 

What goes through peoples minds when they propose and decide they want to get married? is being unmarried inferior to being married to one another.

 

I guess I do hold cynical views towards marriage, but am genuinely interested in trying to understand why people do it. Im not trying to mock or take a stab at anyone (well at least not intentionally!).

 

It probally sounds like a childish question, but its something that has become less and less clear to me as I have gotten older. Every possible reason I could think of seems to go beyond the couple as a seperate entity, and appears to be driven by external factors.

 

I'll admit, I had previously thought more like you. I married more because my H needed the 'paper' more than I did. In honesty, he was right. If both are serious about the future, then a cerimony, especially with loved ones, and a document about that intent actually do mean alot.

 

M was never something I had felt I had to be. I do love it so much.

[Owl]

I guess to better understand the OP's question, I'd have to ask..."what do you see as the difference between getting married and living together?"?

 

What is it about the former and not the latter that you dislike?

[skywriter]

Interestin;

 

 

I have argued elsewhere that society is composed three separated, but interrelated spheres: Culture, Economics, and Government. Culture is based on the principle of love, Economics on the principle of the market, and Government on the principle of force. It is wrong to convert marriage into a social institution based on force. Using a constitutional amendment to attempt to dictate either a cultural norm or an economic value is a step towards totalitarianism and social violence.

[Syzygypassion]

I guess to better understand the OP's question, I'd have to ask..."what do you see as the difference between getting married and living together?"?

 

What is it about the former and not the latter that you dislike?

 

To me the difference is something which serves a social function and goes beyond the couples love for each other. A message and representation to others.

 

I guess I hold the view that marriage is not necessary, a couples love for each other does not need to be symbolised or engraved by a marriage. It can exist without.

 

It seems like marriage is a way of proving trust, a way of enforcing a level of obligation i.e. it makes it less easy to walk out of the relationship.

 

I guess I believe that if a couple truely love each other, then trust is something that comes naturally, without a need for a marrital contract.

[Syzygypassion]

not to sound silly or anything, but what do you mean by "marry"?

 

do you going through a marriage ceremony and being legally married or do you mean agreeing to shre a life and live together without having other romantic relationships?

 

Im mean marriage, not the wedding, the act of marrying someone. Two people deciding the contactually commit themselves to one another.

 

I dont mean other relationships infeditity, monogamy or polygamy.

[fooled once]

To me the difference is something which serves a social function and goes beyond the couples love for each other. A message and representation to others.

 

I guess I hold the view that marriage is not necessary, a couples love for each other does not need to be symbolised or engraved by a marriage. It can exist without.

 

It seems like marriage is a way of proving trust, a way of enforcing a level of obligation i.e. it makes it less easy to walk out of the relationship.

 

I guess I believe that if a couple truely love each other, then trust is something that comes naturally, without a need for a marrital contract.

 

Actually I don't think marriage makes it "less easy" to walk out of a relationship; especially if the 2 people have property and/or children together.

 

No one said a contract was "needed". Many of us want it. I want to know if something happens to me, he will be the one making decisions for me when I am incapacitated and the same for him. I never want anyone to question our commitment to each other - that we just live together vs marrying. I want to proclaim to one and all that I LOVE HIM and I plan to share every day until I die with him. I like knowing he is the one I get to hang out with in the evenings and weekends. I like who we are as a couple. I like showing our kids (from our previous marriages) what a healthy, stable relationship is like. I love the stability we have with each other. I never thought I would marry again after my divorce. I never planned to. Love hurts sometimes and I didn't want to hurt like that again.

 

Then I met my H :love: I don't believe in "soul mates". But I do believe in me and him :love:

[Syzygypassion]

anyone who gets married for a party/social aspect is an idiot.

 

I married my H for love. Not for money, not for kids (we did not have kids together; we did that in our first marriages). We married because we want to be together and share out lives together. If there comes a time when we decide we are not happy, then we will not be together anymore.

 

I can't explain it to you. I just know when we said our vows in front of our parents and our kids we said words and made promises that we both have no problem keeping. I can't explain it to you because I don't think you want to hear it. I think you have made up your mind to be anti-marriage and that's fine; but please don't poo poo it for those of us who chose to marry.

 

He owns my heart and I own his. We support each other through all we go through. We love our time together. We laugh a lot. We share so many same views yet we have enough differences to keep things interest. We just 'click'. AND we don't have to share the other with someone else

 

We play to retire soon and spend our time traveling and various other hobbies. We enjoy each other and love each other.

 

Some marry for money, green cards, status or pregnancy. We didn't. We married because we truly love each other... warts and all. :love::love:

 

I guess I am trying to understanding myself in all of this. Because I can understand enduring love, but want to understand how this progresses to marriage.

[Syzygypassion]

Actually I don't think marriage makes it "less easy" to walk out of a relationship; especially if the 2 people have property and/or children together.

 

No one said a contract was "needed". Many of us want it. I want to know if something happens to me, he will be the one making decisions for me when I am incapacitated and the same for him. I never want anyone to question our commitment to each other - that we just live together vs marrying. I want to proclaim to one and all that I LOVE HIM and I plan to share every day until I die with him. I like knowing he is the one I get to hang out with in the evenings and weekends. I like who we are as a couple. I like showing our kids (from our previous marriages) what a healthy, stable relationship is like. I love the stability we have with each other. I never thought I would marry again after my divorce. I never planned to. Love hurts sometimes and I didn't want to hurt like that again.

 

Then I met my H :love: I don't believe in "soul mates". But I do believe in me and him :love:

 

Thats beautiful to have met your soulmate, it must be a very beautiful and wonderful thing. Thanks for sharing your feelings, I was hoping to hear from people that feel that they married out of love because this was what my question is about.

 

I do feel though that many of the things that you mentioned can exist without a marriage, and being married doesnt necessarily mean they will happen. i.e. support during illness, devoting time to one another, showing children what a healthy, stable relationship is like.

[Crabbies]

Marriage; great for women, expensive, risky for men...

Like playing roulette, easier to lose than win...

[quankanne]

What goes through peoples minds when they propose and decide they want to get married? is being unmarried inferior to being married to one another?

 

I want to go on the record by saying that marriage never, ever was part of the plan; I figured I'd be a mom (adoption, pregnancy) and live out my life because two of my aunts who are sibs did that, so it wasn't anything unusual in my eyes. Then I met Mr. Q. I was in love with someone else at the time, but went out with him because I thought he was a good guy.

 

we dated long-distance for about two years, but it was a huge surprise to hear him say he wanted to marry me. And so we did, while he was on leave from his job.

 

why? the only way I can explain is that it was a huge leap of faith I was willing to take with this one particular person, because things just fell into place, it was a sure feeling I had about him. And despite the fact that I sometimes want to pinch his head off for being such a MAN sometimes, I don't think I could have done the marriage thing otherwise, there's something really unique about this relationship. I'm not saying I'm not open to loving another person should this marriage end for whatever reason, just that it was so unexpected, I don't honestly believe it would happen this way again, you know?

 

your question, "Is being single inferior to being married?" I never thought so. However, those two things are what you make of them – I think a person doesn't *need* to be married to be happy or have an identity.

[jwi71]

While you are correct in stating, essentially, that M is just a piece of paper with no real affect on the emotions shared between two persons you are overlooking legal aspects.

 

Such as:

 

Social Security survivor benefits

Health insurance through employer (of spouse)

The ability to see loved one in ICU (restricted to family only - GF/BF tough luck)

Can sue for wrongful death (of a spouse...GF/BF, again, no such luck)

 

And that's off the top of my head. So getting married does bequeath additional legal protections and benefits. And, one can if so inclined, derive that that is a gift of considerable emotion as well.

 

Just sayin'

[John Michael Kane]

To stay on topic, people get married for a lot of reasons.

[seren]

Well I have been married 3 times, each time I thought I had married for love. The first divorce was because I really was too young and was expected to give up work and be a 'wife'. This was the 70's and things were different then for women, so we divorced amicably. The second, I left because he changed once we had our child and he became a very different man from the one I had married. Third, we lived together first, he proposed and being in love, I accepeted, we are soon to be in our 27th year together. I married for love and I stay (even after an A) for love. I am not a person who could stay married if love had flown out the window, not just comfortable love, but the, 'ah there he is' kind of love, which we have.

 

I really think that at the time everyone gets married there has to be love and there has to be a thought that it will be forever. Life changes people, relationships change, but I am of the mind that if it is meant to be, then it will prevail. I know some get married because there are arranged marriages, so have not looked at this. I could have stayed and not got married, and I am not religous, but for me and H it was, as others have said, a cementing of what we feel and TBH, I would have happily not got married, but it was important to H. I love being the Mrs to his Mr, he has asked that we renew our vows, which I am thinking of, but we affirm our feelings to each other and that is enough for me.

[bentnotbroken]

Marriage; great for women, expensive, risky for men...

Like playing roulette, easier to lose than win...

 

 

Hell I must be a man, cause it wasn't great for me. I played roulette with my life...how is that great?

[marlena]

I can understand two people experiencing deep love for each other, sharing their lives and dying together. But just cant get my head around why two people need to get married.

 

Is its function purely social; a declartion of love to be witnessed by others, or perhaps a way of marking territory? Is it an obligation to religion, traditions and beliefs past on from our ancestors. Is it for legal reasons, for some kind of financial accountability. Do people believe that their children will be raised in an unstable environment if they dont.

 

What goes through peoples minds when they propose and decide they want to get married? is being unmarried inferior to being married to one another.

 

I guess I do hold cynical views towards marriage, but am genuinely interested in trying to understand why people do it. Im not trying to mock or take a stab at anyone (well at least not intentionally!).

 

It probally sounds like a childish question, but its something that has become less and less clear to me as I have gotten older. Every possible reason I could think of seems to go beyond the couple as a seperate entity, and appears to be driven by external factors.

 

Couldn't agree more. Just another myth amidst the thousand others we are sold as kids.

[Owl]

So...let's look at the same question from the reverse angle...

 

 

Why NOT marry?

 

If you're in love, want to live together, raise children together, share your life together...why NOT marry?

 

What's the benefit of NOT marrying, or marrying?

[marlena]

Owl, because there is no need for it. In an ideal society, you could love and live together without anyone ever raising an eyebrow. Whatever one's stance on marriage might be, it can not be denied that it is more a social/legal institution than one that has to do with matters of the heart. No?

[Owl]

Owl, because there is no need for it. In an ideal society, you could love and live together without anyone ever raising an eyebrow. Whatever one's stance on marriage might be, it can not be denied that it is more a social/legal institution than one that has to do with matters of the heart. No?

 

I disagree.

 

There are tons of legal "benefits" to marrying.

 

Tax breaks, legal rights that spouses have versus not being formally recognized as a spouse, etc...

 

Having a "formally recognized" union in that respect absolutely has benefits over a non-recognized union.

 

For example...If your SO is injured...legally a GF/BF has little or no say in treatment or care of that person unless they planned ahead and had a medical power of attorney. Said power is implied and included as part of the legally recognized marriage.

 

So again...what's the BENEFIT of not marrying over marrying? Your post doesn't show me any benefits or disadvantages of one over the other...just the dislike for what you view as an archaic institution. Your feelings don't appear to be based on any practical differences between marriage or 'other' type of relationship.