i really need help asap!!!...very insecure about relationship

[confusedgirl]

i'd like to know if it's possible to break an annoying habit?

iv been with my bf for a very long time now and things seem to be perfect, we hav so much in common & i think he's the one.But with being so insecure i'm forever tryin to find out if he feels the same way so i end up being clingy and needy wantin to see him wanting to talk about our feelings with him, which is something every relationship needs really - to be assured.but i need TOO much re-assurence,he tells me he loves me and im his perfect girl but then things start gettin out of hand when i start gettin jealous of him going out and worryin he'll find somebody much better- whish really annoys him (i can tell) so we hav awkward silences and then i end up hating myself because i'm not being all happy and a good girlfriend cos im just moaning about him having a life (which i dont really have) i dont want to lose him because wer so right together and everything would be perfect if i just kept my insecuritys out of it and stop being annoyin instead of the perfect lovely girl he truly likes.i'm scared of pushin him away,and i know that id hav to stop sayin things to ruin it but how do i do that??

[heather&theboyz]

I'm not sure of your age, confusedgirl, but as an "older" woman who has dealt with this issue myself (I have pretty low self esteem and tend to be needy and clingy and constantly want reassurance) I have found the only thing to really do is to go out and get your own life. I can not emphasize strongly enough the need for your own circle of friends, your own plans with those friends and the need to not allow your universe to revolve around him all of the time. No one can take that kind of pressure. Get a hobby, part time job, whatever it takes just start doing something productive and fun with some of your time. This will build your self confidence and independence which are two qualities any man worth his weight is looking for anyway...

 

niniellalaith

[magda]

Yeah... you're only driving him away. Pretty soon he's going to figure that you're right - that there *are* better women out there. Never let them know you're insecure. (Impossible, I know, but you should shoot for that. when you're not having the heart felt discussions there is no need to turn life's daily events into your need for validation.)

 

Unless your fears are valid. From all that you've said they are not. If they are not valid then, sorry, shutup. And/or go out with him if you have no life and/or get your own.

 

It's sseriously very very unattractive when people act needy. Don't be a little girl he babysits. BE A WOMAN!

 

Do things the perfect you does. She doesnt sit at home pacing while he's out. She is so involved in whatever that she says "ah, back already? How was it?" Involve yourself. You need more to think about than just him.

 

And while you're at it: face the ultimate fear. Imagine him cheating on you/breaking up with you. Oh no, what now! What will you do then? Do that now! All the things you'd do if you didn't have him, do those things now.

[Red Flag Rick]

and i don't mean that in a sassy way at all... if you say you don't have a life, then you just pinpointed the root of your problem. i sure needed to get a life, so i understand what you are talking about when you speak of insecurities and the damage they can do - not only to yourself, but to your relationships. and you deserve to have a life... we all do.

 

my definition of having a life includes having the power to shape myself and my future. and i believe this same power will enable you to overcome your present insecurities in yourself and enjoy a lifetime of healthy relationships.

 

it also sounds like you are sincere about fixing yourself so that you can enjoy a healthy relationship. that is a huge first step - and make sure that when you say you want to change, you really want to change, because it is going to take some effort on your part to become a powerful, healthy, dating machine. never forget that the work is worth the reward, and you deserve this reward.

 

in a nutshell, and from what little i know about your situation, you have not placed the correct value on yourself. value = self-esteem and self-worth. since you don't know the importance of value, you haven't set this foundation, and i believe it to be one of the most important processes we must discover if we want to know peace within ourselves and in our relationships with other people. setting your own value includes defining yourself and defining your expectations of your Prince Charming.

 

if you have never defined what you want in a man, i.e., written down your expectations (what you expect him to be like), this is a red flag that says you need to get to work on you. and working on yourself will lead to you becoming more secure, and you will look up on day and see that you have grown in ways that reduce your insecurities and doubts... your self- esteem will be built up in this process, and this is crucial if you want to keep that hottie by your side - one thing i have learned as i listen to my str8 guy friends talk - they do not like a needy woman.

 

maybe you don't know about spotting red flags, but you have already spotted a red flag by posting here and letting us know you see your insecurities and what they are doing to your relationship. so pat yourself on the back and know that you have already spotted a red flag in yourself, and this is good. you just need to get more focused on this process so you can become powerful and enjoy the security and confidence that you have never known.

 

so, your value + your expectations = your growth... and this growth leads to your confidence and it enables you to shape yourself and your relationships. your ability to spot red flags will be developed as a result of working this process, and you will find this is a very powerful tool you can apply to other areas of your life. think of it as a souped-up intuition - you will be able to see others and notice little things that, if caught early, can save you from lots of heartache and drama... family, business, friendships - you will see others in a much different light.

 

when i went through this process, i found out that as i focused on my expectations, i defined my value at the same time, so i would suggest you do a search with my screen name on this board - i have described to others what i think you need to know about all this... check out my post to advicegirl first - i need to rewrite this better and i will be posting this as a subject on this board soon, but this is basically my blueprint that led to me finding the man of my dreams... so i may not be a professional and there may be some better way to go about all of this, but i do know it works because it worked for me and it seems to get attention on this board.

 

recognize your ability to see you need to change, and feel good about it - once you understand more of what i am saying, you will see that this recognition should be used to increase your self-esteem, or, added to your value. it is a small item that has value, and you can use it to your advantage by reinforcing your confidence right now... you may not be where you need to be yet, but your ability to notice that you are damaging your relationship at this point is huge. and you can take this ability and sharpen your internal tools and become better and better - and with every step forward, you will become the woman that i sense you want to become.

 

and if i can be of further assistance, please do not hesitate to let me know.