wife confession hurts

[macbook]

Hello everyone,

my wife confessed that before he met me he had sex with many men (even married ones) and couple of years ago she had recovered from a sexual disease. When we dated she said she had one ex love. Now I know that was a lie. She asked me forgiveness for hiding this and I said I forgive her (though dying emotionally inside) but now I don't feel any sexual desire for her. Every time I want to come closer to her I imagine what she did and turns me down, somehow I cannot control my mind. I want forgiveness be real, I decided to forgive but having these thoughts isn't it proving I didn't forgive? I constantly declaring I forgive but it is really hard to turn my body on.

Is there anyone who has passed and recover of similar situation to share some insights with me?

[analystfromhell]

Why are you upset by this and what exactly is it that's upsetting to you? How old are you both and what were you expecting from a wife which she has not lived up to?

[TigerCub]

Hi,

 

I've never been in your situation before.

But I see your point.

 

If that happened to me, its not so much the number of people my SO would have slept with but its the lie.

 

Its the fact that she lied to you about it before, and you married her under false pretense (did she give you the confession after you were married?) - I'm guessing so.

 

If that's the case, I can totally see your point.

But if you married her knowing all this (post confession) - then that was your choice too.

 

Here's the thing though - I can see that you want to forgive, but its obvious that you're not able to - so I would suggest that you stop saying that you have forgiven her. If its not true, don't say it.

 

You need to be honest with yourself and her with regards to what bugs you about this:

 

- Is it the lie?

- Is it the fact that she's been with a lot of men and the number bugs you?

- Is it the fact that she has more sexual experience than you do?

- All the above?

 

I dunno, you need to kind of pin point exactly what it is that's bugging you so much about it and talk to her about it.

 

You don't need to forgive her, but you also can't stay with someone when you harbor resentment and anger towards them and hope that the union will be a good one - that's not realistic or healthy.

 

As I said, to me the lie would be the thing that I couldn't get over, and that would be a huge deal breaker - its the feeling of being fooled into getting married to someone, and then later finding out that they lied.

 

but you need to find your reasons and talk to her and then maybe see a marriage counselor.

 

Good luck

[macbook]

Hi Tiger, thanks for your feedback,

I think all of the points you've mentioned affected me, and

still dealing with it, thinking about going into counseling soon.

[John Michael Kane]

Hello everyone,

my wife confessed that before he met me he had sex with many men (even married ones) and couple of years ago she had recovered from a sexual disease. When we dated she said she had one ex love. Now I know that was a lie. She asked me forgiveness for hiding this and I said I forgive her (though dying emotionally inside) but now I don't feel any sexual desire for her. Every time I want to come closer to her I imagine what she did and turns me down, somehow I cannot control my mind. I want forgiveness be real, I decided to forgive but having these thoughts isn't it proving I didn't forgive? I constantly declaring I forgive but it is really hard to turn my body on.

Is there anyone who has passed and recover of similar situation to share some insights with me?

 

There was another guy in your situation who posted about how his wife told him that she slept with a lot of men before they met.

 

Then not long after that he posted that he found out his wife cheated on him.

 

The point is that women of your wife's caliber are ones who will tell only what is "necessary to keep the peace." Tell a little to stop the questions. They know that if they told the truth about who they really are when they first meet a guy most likely that guy will run for the hills. So they lie to you and defraud you of years you cannot get back, tricking you into having kids with them while they spend your money you worked hard for.

 

Promiscuous women never change.

 

Long story short, your lady is lying to you and there's a lot more she hasn't told you which would include her cheating on you. Wouldn't be surprised if she was having sex with some or all of those men behind your back. She didn't tell you upfront, she only told you after she got her teeth sunk deep into your skin.

[Lexygirl]

There was another guy in your situation who posted about how his wife told him that she slept with a lot of men before they met.

 

Then not long after that he posted that he found out his wife cheated on him.

 

The point is that women of your wife's caliber are ones who will tell only what is "necessary to keep the peace." Tell a little to stop the questions. They know that if they told the truth about who they really are when they first meet a guy most likely that guy will run for the hills. So they lie to you and defraud you of years you cannot get back, tricking you into having kids with them while they spend your money you worked hard for.

 

Promiscuous women never change.

 

Long story short, your lady is lying to you and there's a lot more she hasn't told you which would include her cheating on you. Wouldn't be surprised if she was having sex with some or all of those men behind your back. She didn't tell you upfront, she only told you after she got her teeth sunk deep into your skin.

 

OMG, JMK, for real? This man is on here asking for advice about how to deal with what he DOES know.... STOP putting things in his head that are just your sick, twisted view of what possibly might be. It's toxic. You aren't helping matters for goodness sake ! Give up your crusade to make everyone believe that their SO is cheating

[John Michael Kane]

OMG, JMK, for real? This man is on here asking for advice about how to deal with what he DOES know....

 

And that's exactly what he's receiving. Any man in his position would question his wife's faithfulness and loyalty based on what his wife has revealed to him. It's natural and the questions will come up sooner or later. And what he doesn't know is what he needs to know.

 

STOP putting things in his head that are just your sick, twisted view of what possibly might be. It's toxic.

There's no need to be hostile because of what I stated is the truth. It's what he needs to know if he wants to get to the bottom of this.

 

You aren't helping matters for goodness sake ! Give up your crusade to make everyone believe that their SO is cheating

I am helping and simply stating that my posts aren't because it hit close to home is not helping matters either. Nor am I on a crusade to make everyone believe their SO is cheating but when the evidence is clear, I will point it out and it is mighty clear in OP's situation that his wife is hiding a lot more than she told him. I'm sorry if you see otherwise...

[Lexygirl]

Long story short, your lady is lying to you and there's a lot more she hasn't told you which would include her cheating on you. Wouldn't be surprised if she was having sex with some or all of those men behind your back.

 

JMK, this is YOUR truth, not necessarily THE truth... This is what I mean by putting your ideas into his head. It's not helping him.

[John Michael Kane]

JMK, this is YOUR truth, not necessarily THE truth...

 

It is the truth. A calculating, deceiving woman who has consciously tricked her husband into believing that she was not someone promiscuous, and did not tell her husband about her highly-sexual past until they were well into marriage is someone who is a liar without a doubt, and is holding a lot more viable information that he deserves to know.

 

This is what I mean by putting your ideas into his head. It's not helping him.

 

If you're not here to help OP and give him some actual advice, then it would be wise to stop with the threadjacking simply because you don't like what I stated.

[Lexygirl]

Macbook, I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation.

It must be tough. I agree with alot of what Tigercub posted especially the part that you shouldn't say you forgive if you don't.... yet. It might be a good idea for you to go to individual counseling and then marriage counseling.

Dealing with harsh reality takes time to process. When things are hard to face, ppl sometimes push themselves too hard to move on too quickly. In the end if you don't let yourself fully deal with it, it will come back and hurt you again and again (which you are experiencing with your inability to feel attracted to her... understandable) It will be beneficial to work through your thought process and feelings honestly and openly with a professional and with your wife when the time is right.

If, in the end, you aren't together, you will still be much further ahead by working through this now.

Edited August 22, 2011 by Lexygirl

[reboot]

Lexy, you just have to understand his warped perspective. Every woman he's ever been with has cheated on him. And who could really blame them?

[frozensprouts]

hello,

sorry you are in this situation.

 

i have a couple of questions for you...

 

what is it that bothers you the most? Is it that she had several sexual relationships before you were married or is it that she didn't tell you about them until now? Do you feel that if she loved you she should have trusted you enough to tell you the truth? As other posters have said, counseling would probably help the two of you deal with her revelations and your feelings about them.

 

As for the idea that because she had several relationships before she met and married you she's going to cheat on you, well, that's silly. I would judge her by her current actions, not ones from long ago. Again, counseling would help, as it would give the two of you a chance to talk about your feelings with a neutral third party who can offer advice and perspective.

 

good luck to you and your wife

[John Michael Kane]

Lexy, you just have to understand his warped perspective. Every woman he's ever been with has cheated on him. And who could really blame them?

 

There you go with those assumptions and threadjacking.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Lexy, you just have to understand his warped perspective. Every woman he's ever been with has cheated on him. And who could really blame them?

 

LOL... :lmao:

 

OP - I'm sorry for what you're going through. How long has it been since you found out she lied? Is your wife in contact with any of the men she's been intimate with in the past? That may make it harder on the imagination if she is...

 

But I think tiger is on spot with that it'd be best if you're honest about not having been able to move past it as well as that counseling could be very beneficial to you.

[scaredandalone1223]

Macbook.

 

I do understand your frustration and questioning your wife lying to you. Lying is a breach of trust which is never easy.

 

My question is have you ever asked your wife why she lied? It could be more linked to her self esteem and guilt. If she was single and did things that she now finds appalling she may not have wanted to drag that up. Also, when a male sleeps with multiple people while single they are praised and so many people think they are cool and somehow more manly. With a female, even if the female enjoys it and simply likes the single woman lifestyle she is viewed as a slut.

 

When she got with you and was ready to settle down and left that lifestyle behind she may not have wanted to bring up it for you to think less of her. She wanted you to love who for who she is now and not judge her on her past actions.

 

My husband knows I slept with men before him but doesn't want to know how many because it's something he prefers to leave in the past. Now I slept with very few but still it's something we choose to leave in the past.

 

Your wife may have come forward now because she feels safe and secure. She knows you love her and she feels she can put this behind her once and for all. Maybe it was self esteem issues and she now has the confidence to bring it to let so that she doesn't have to feel she is hiding something. Yet, the way you feel now about her is probably the very thing she was trying to avoid, hence the reason for not telling you sooner. Had you have known when you first started dating would you have approached the relationship in the same manner?

 

If you love your wife you will be able to work through this. She is the same person she was before she told you. Focus on that. Do not bury your feelings though and make her believe everything is forgiven when it isn't though. It will eat away at you and you will be lying to her and as you well see lying causes pain.

 

I do not know your wife so this may not be the case at all just a different perspective. I find that John Michael Kane's comments are always worse case scenarios and that in every situation one partner should be burned at the stake. I quite frankly find that appalling and find him to be a bitter, condescending person who has the saddest outlook on life of just about any person I've ever encountered.

Edited August 22, 2011 by scaredandalone1223

[John Michael Kane]

Fact remains: Your wife lied and defrauded you. Big offense. It would be foolish to let this go so easily.

[StoneCold]

I'm confused what sthe problem here? The fact that she ied to you about her sexual past? or the fact that she got around?

[macbook]

Thanks to each one of you, I really appreciate your feedback.

Just writing on this topic have helped me to deal with the problem to accept her past. My wife did such horrible mistakes, it's true... It is hard for me to accept that, because before meeting her I was having a "clean normal" sex life and I expected someone who has similar behavior. After she confessed me I was really shocked but she said I was her salvation because she didn't want to do mistakes again and also swore she's faithful since we began. Well, I think the fact she had many lovers it bothers me... I was reading other blogs and comments and I think I need to focus in what's ahead... I have the decision to make the rest of our lives miserable or worthy to live... I choose joy and forgiveness (which I know it takes time)... I'm feeling better now, there are other worst experiences I was reading on some books about marriage and those couples got recovered. I recommend "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas, it helped me a lot.

Thank you all and wish you all happiness!