Engagement and second thoughts

[World]

I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately. I'm currently engaged to a beautiful, loving, caring women. To be honest I can't say enough great things about her. There is a problem and that's me not wanting to get married.

 

A little about myself and my fiance. I'm 35 yrs old and I have never been married and I don't have children. My fiance is 29, and ditto for married/kids. We had been dating for 2 years 2 months when we got engaged. We both come from families where our parents are still married. She has siblings and i don't. Her family is amazing and so are my parents, no complaints at all. Everyone likes everyone and that's a real bonus.

 

Here is one part that has me beating myself up. Before I met her I bought a house in 2005. I fixed it up and my ultimate plan was to sell it once I finished. I stripped the entire inside of the house down, floors to walls. What a amazing difference it is today. I have finished it and my only job now is yard work. My fiance also owns a house that she bought just last year. It's nice and bigger than mine and is in a great neighborhood. Well we know the market is bad and thus I can't sell my house. I'm underwater on it and if I sold it now I would probably owe the bank 30k to cover my loss and that doesn't even count what I put into the remodel. The only option at this point is to rent it out. We have all heard the horror stories of bad renters and this house has my blood,sweat and tears in it. My fiance is not going to live in my house, so I must move into hers.

 

So this brings me to stressor #2. I've always lived on my own. I had some roommates but never lived with a girlfriend. I really like my privacy. I'm very much a introvert and leaving the comfort of my home is really causing me anxiety.

 

Here is stressor #3. I wasn't ready to get engaged and be married so soon. My fiance gave me the ultimatum. How does one deal with such a thing when you love someone so much but you don't want them to leave you. I had to propose otherwise I wouldn't have even known if I could understand my stress and be ok with the marriage idea. I was a nervous wreck the first month after proposing, severe anxiety mixed with depression. I went to some counseling to get help but it only helped for a little while. Now i'm falling back into my anxiety and depression again.

 

Stressor #4. Being a only child and being male I have always felt like I had to live up to some kind of expectation. I succeed in everything I do. My parent are extremely proud of me and the life I have. They also love my fiance, they can't say enough good things about her. Now I have the pressure of the family on my shoulders. I also have a great amount of respect for her parents and I feel like I would be spitting if their face if I quit the engagement now.

 

Stressor #5 . I don't know if we have the staying power. I love talking about world events. I enjoy debating with people. I love adventure and trying new things. She doesn't enjoy any of these things. Now I must admit we do like to hike, read, cook and do some other bigger activities together but my mind doesn't feel satisfied. I feel like I need some intellectual stimulation as well as physical activities.

 

Stressor #6. Children....and she wants them and I'm not all that excited about them. I like peace and quiet and alone time with my love. You can kiss all that good bye when you throw children in the mix. I would also have to get comfortable with the idea of staying home a lot more, not being able to afford some of the activities I like to do, and traveling a lot less. It's not like she only wants one child, she wants 3 children. Being a only child myself this does seem like a lot of kids in one house. She has a brother and sister so that doesn't seem like too much for her. I secretly think she wants to drive me crazy.......=)

 

So here I am between the biggest rock and hard place I have ever been in my life. The date is looming closer everyday and the pressure is just getting worse. I love her very much. So how can I be so recalcitrant about moving forward with the marriage? Could I be afraid of commitment? Maybe the differences are too much to handle for me? Or am I just not with the right person? Are my life stressors just silly?

 

This depression is really bad and I've had it for six months. At times it's not as bad but with the date getting closer I'm really feeling it now. I hate having to dive into something as serious as a marriage and find out my depression only gets worse and my issues weigh even heavier on my shoulders.

Edited August 17, 2011 by World

[vsmini]

Can the wedding date be postponed?

 

To address Stressor #2 I think you need to live with her. Move in with her and see if you can do it. If you can't bring yourself to live with her now....you won't adapt too well when you have to move in after the wedding.

 

Stressor #3 - As a woman I have no idea why women think an ultimatum works in their favor in the end. If a guy doesn't want to get married or isn't ready and she is then the woman can walk away if she wants. It's the man's job to get his mind straight and figure out if he really does want to marry her. I can understand the pressure the ultimatum put on you but it really sounds like you do not want to get married and are only marrying her because you're forced. That's not an honest proposal at all. No clue why a woman would accept that.

 

#4 - I'm an only child. After I hit the age of 25 I learned to stop blaming all my 'pressure' issues on the fact that I don't have any brothers or sisters. Only children have the least amount of pressure as they are often never compared to other kids and everything they do is "great" to their parents. If you think you have issues with your upbringing and it's affecting the way you cope in relationships then a therapist is needed.

 

#5 - Intellectual stimulation can come from other sources. Family and friends can do the trick. It's often very, very difficult to get everything from one person.

 

#6 - You have to get the child issue on the table. It needs to be discussed at length before you guys get married. Your worries and concerns need to be explained and addressed. You don't want to surprise her with this after marriage.

 

Good luck. It's one thing to have a few doubts and it's great you're getting this out on LS to discuss but this seems serious and you will be doing yourself a huge disservice if you don't get your issues out on the table for your fiance to discuss.

[Sooner or Later]

I don't think you should marry her.

 

Intellectual stimulation with one's partner is key to long term compatibility and your differences on having a family would be dealbreakers for me.

 

Your feelings/anxiety now should guide you to making the right decision and avoiding future resentment and pain later in a marriage with her.

 

I understand you love her, but your concerns are very valid--enough to get it out on the table and give her the choice of either keep on dating (breaking the engagement) or ending the relationship. I think the latter is best so that she can find someone more suited and knows that they are inclined to wanting a family.

 

P.S.

I don't blame you hesitation about children--I can't imagine not having my own time, and I never wanted children. I would never partner with one who didn't feel the same.

Edited August 17, 2011 by Sooner or Later

[World]

VSMINI

 

thank you for your reply. All of a sudden I feel a huge weight lifted off me.

 

What I will do is approach her with the idea that we postpone the wedding and that I move in. Even the idea of moving in with her causes me anxiety but not nearly the kind of anxiety I'm dealing with now. I can rent out my house in the mean while and we can see how it all goes. If she can't handle the idea of a postponement then I can't handle the idea of a marriage.

 

Some people will be disappointed but at least the hope is still alive. While we live together we can discuss the issue of having children a little more. I can handle these terms much better than a all or nothing approach.

 

I need to walk before I run. Baby steps....

 

I will keep you all updated. Please if anyone wants feel free to add more ideas and/or concerns.

Edited August 17, 2011 by World

[World]

UPDATE

 

I talked with her tonight. I brought up the suggestion of postponing the wedding and to try living together for at least a few months first. She wasn't all that accepting of the idea. Matter of fact she disliked the postponing part a lot. However she did say that I could move in before the wedding. I do want to move in but not with the wedding looming 9 weeks away over my head. There is too much pressure and we will both be feeling it. I doubt we will see the best in eachother in that short amount of time. I also think if you do find that maybe you just can't go through with it calling off the wedding within a couple weeks of it is a bad decision.

 

Her argument is this. To postpone the wedding is just a way of postponing the marriage. I say yes and no to this. I told her it's a lot easier to know if you can coexist with someone in the same home when there isn't a legal binding contract holding you together. Lets not be one of those divorce statistics. She is so optomistic of our future.

 

In the end my suggestion helped to address a few of my concerns. It did not however postpone the wedding. I still feel the uncertain pressure and now I'm not sure what to do.

 

How can you love someone but yet be uncertain of a positive life with them at the same time? I think the overwhelming divorce rate plays alot into my concerns. Leave no stone unturned. I want to make sure I know my partner as well as possible before I make the "I do" decision.

[vsmini]

UPDATE

 

I talked with her tonight. I brought up the suggestion of postponing the wedding and to try living together for at least a few months first. She wasn't all that accepting of the idea. Matter of fact she disliked the postponing part a lot. However she did say that I could move in before the wedding. I do want to move in but not with the wedding looming 9 weeks away over my head. There is too much pressure and we will both be feeling it. I doubt we will see the best in eachother in that short amount of time. I also think if you do find that maybe you just can't go through with it calling off the wedding within a couple weeks of it is a bad decision.

 

Her argument is this. To postpone the wedding is just a way of postponing the marriage. I say yes and no to this. I told her it's a lot easier to know if you can coexist with someone in the same home when there isn't a legal binding contract holding you together. Lets not be one of those divorce statistics. She is so optomistic of our future.

 

In the end my suggestion helped to address a few of my concerns. It did not however postpone the wedding. I still feel the uncertain pressure and now I'm not sure what to do.

 

How can you love someone but yet be uncertain of a positive life with them at the same time? I think the overwhelming divorce rate plays alot into my concerns. Leave no stone unturned. I want to make sure I know my partner as well as possible before I make the "I do" decision.

 

I can understand her hesitation as well. When you postpone the wedding the marriage is delayed as well and from her end it could just seem like a neverending battle of man-dragging-his-feet. Is this a huge wedding with lots of guests and money put into it? I suppose it doesn't really matter in the end. If you're not ready then you are not ready.

 

Personally - if my fiance came to me and clearly communicated his true issues with me then I would agree to postpone the wedding. It would be very difficult but BOTH parties have to be willing and looking forward to a married life before anything successful can come of it. She is making a mistake by not postponing the wedding if it's something you truly think you need.

 

In your OP you said flat out that you did not want to get married. So that's a different bag alltogether. Are you waiting for her to change your mind? Do you still know deep down you don't want to get married or do you regret proposing in the first place?

 

She will most likely walk if you don't want to marry her - as she should if marriage is something she wants.

 

I guess it would be better to clarify if you want marriage at all.

[vsmini]

I should also add - everyone is different of course - but I'm almost at 30 years old and have been involved in 4 LTR's and each guy was pretty clear with where he stood on if he wanted to marry me or not or if marriage was even something he wanted in his future.

Again - I know everyone is different and this may not apply to all but if a couple has been together for over 2-3 years and the guy (or girl) is still seriously doubting wanting to get married then I don't think it's a match.

 

I don't believe it's as simple as you just know but I do think a lot of the doubt leaves your mind and anxiety subsides quite a bit.

 

In order for you to clear your head you need to do two things:

 

1: Put some pressure on yourself and do some hard thinking. Get tough and be honest with yourself to a painful degree. You want to avoid being a divorce statistic? Then this is what a lot of people that end up divorcing don't stop to do. Soul searching sucks but it's necessary.

 

2:Take external pressure off yourself and get rid of that looming wedding date. That will only cloud your thoughts.

 

Hopefully she lets you move in with her because I think that will really help you understand another angle that marriage will have in store for you.

[Finch]

I agree with what vsmini has advised.

You sound very unsure of what you want and of what you are able to cope with. You are not going to be able to think this through clearly with the wedding just nine weeks on the horizon. It puts too much pressure on you to "hurry up and decide", and you may end up making the wrong choice simply out of anxiety and time pressure.

I can understand your fiancée being frustrated and wanting to get married after dating for a certain amount of time, but two years (I feel) isn't at ultimatum time, especially if you have not been living together. An ultimatum puts you in a difficult position because it doesn't allow for flexibility. From what you have posted since your original post it seems that your fiancée is reluctant to give any leeway on the wedding date. This is understandable on one hand, with a wedding just a few weeks away she may just see this as cold feet, or an excuse to keep things in a holding pattern, but on the other hand she should be considering your feelings and your needs. Relationship successes cannot be boxed in to time lines and dates and deadlines. It creates anxiety, stress, and can lead to bad decision making. I think vsmini is on to something with the advice to try living together first. That would allow you to see how you function as a couple on a day to day basis and would relieve a large part of the anxiety for you. But this probably won't help you if you feel like you're "on the clock" with the wedding still approaching - you'll be second guessing everything.

You also need to get the other issues out in the open and start talking about them. If you don't want to be a divorce statistic, then don't carry numerous unresolved issues with you into the marriage in the first place. This won't guarantee a successful marriage, but it will lessen the points of contention and areas of stress. On that note, you may want to consider going to pre-marital or another type of counselling together in order to help you work out some of these things.

As much as you want to make your fiancée happy, you also have to find a way to ease your own worries. If you simply go ahead and marry her and things begin to get difficult, you will end up blaming and resenting her, and resentment is a terrible thing to have in a relationship.

Perhaps you and your fiancée can agree on a set amount of time for which to postpone the wedding and discuss it again after you have had a chance to take up some of the issues you are currently facing. Say, six months to a year, in which you live together and work on your relationship. This gives you time to see how living with her feels, and whether as a couple you have enough intellectual stimulation to keep you going when in close quarters, time to sort out issues of children, time to work on your own issues of feeling you have to live up to parental expectations and maybe even discuss some of this with your parents, and time for you to relieve the pressure and make sure you are entering into the marriage because you desire it, not because it was forced upon you. Putting the year time limit on it allows your fiancée to realize that this isn't putting it off forever, and that you ARE willing to make a decision - you just need the opportunity, experience, and time to make it clearly.

[World]

VSMINI asked "In your OP you said flat out that you did not want to get married. So that's a different bag alltogether. Are you waiting for her to change your mind? Do you still know deep down you don't want to get married or do you regret proposing in the first place?"

 

To answer your question I think my anxiety was talking a lot in my OP. I don't feel like getting married with my anxiety like this. I don't want to pull this into a marriage without it getting resolved first. If there is no resolution for this anxiety except to cancel everything well then at least I know I tried everything I could first. I will tell you what proposing did for me in a positive way. It allowed me to open myself up to a person/idea/way of thinking I have never wanted to consider before. I had to be pressured in order to go there and deal with my issues otherwise I would have felt content in the relationship as it was. I really loved my life the way it was before I proposed so why would I ever want to change that. It took someone I love more than my life to open me up to working on myself to better myself for the benefit of us both.

 

UPDATE.........

 

I had another talk with her tonight. She really doesn't like the idea of postponing the wedding. She gets quite hostle about it when I try to suggest going that route.

 

She actually said you don't know what it will be like till you just do it. That's a interesting way of looking at getting married. I guess it's true and you deal with the issues you bring into your marraige while being married. Honestly that's not my favorite option.

 

One of her suggestions is I need to focus on the positives more than the negatives. I do agree with that. Wright down all my positives on a sheet of paper so i can see them in front of me. We do have marraige counseling sessions set up in September. I have been trying to get those sessions started for a couple months now but the people we are trying to set our times up with keep delaying. By the time we finish our sessions we will have two weeks left till the wedding. That's not the optimal situation I would have liked.

 

My fiance is a type of girl that gets what she wants. She would disagree with you wholeheartedly on this. I wouldn't dare say that to her face in fear of her becoming upset. (To be fair she made a few decisions in the past against my wishes that she may not have made if I had been engaged to her at those times.) She has had full control over two of the most major decisions in the last 6 months, the engagement and the wedding date. It was either propose or she leaves. I couldn't picture her out of my life, that tore me up inside. So I took her hand and asked her to marry me. I told her right after our engagement that I would have like a wedding in 2012, spring to be exact. She was fiercly opposed to that idea, she wanted a 2011 wedding, so I caved in on it.

 

I tried to explain to her thisevening that I have been very good about working with her and being understanding. I'm not trying to drag my feet, I'm trying to allow us a opportunity to get to know eachother in a way we haven't yet before we say our I do's. This opportunity will help me figure out my anxiety triggers. I've never lived with a girl before so this is all new for me.

 

So here I am were I started. I did get to express some of my concerns to her so I feel I have allowed her to understand my fears a little better. I don't feel like she is willing to work with me enough. I get that she would feel horrible postponing the wedding, I would feel that as well. I don't want her parents to think I'm a flake. I'm not trying to ditch their daughter, I'm trying to make sure we do this right the first and only time.

 

She did say I could move in but now I feel like if I move in I'm not really solving any of the issues at hand. We have just under 9 weeks left till we get married. That doesn't leave me a whole lot of time to discuss important issues with her. I don't want to even consider the idea of cancelling a wedding with only a couple weeks left till the date.

 

Positive thinking, that's what I'm going to work on. It's either that or cancel the wedding and I hate that idea.

Edited August 19, 2011 by World

[TBH]

true love is about caring for the other person and respecting how they feel.

 

if this was an equal relationship then your fiancee would postpone your wedding.

if she is the kind of person who always gets what she wants you'd better be prepared for what may happen if you ever divorce. she will take as much as she can from you, believe that.

 

something is driving her need to be married and i dont think its love for you. she has some personal agenda, probably to do with her life age-goals/relationship duration goals. basically she needs to be married and have children, unfortunately this takes priority over you and your concerns.

 

i hope this doesnt sound too harsh but I believe a marriage is about TWO people doing what THEY want to, not about one person forcing the other to abide by their will or loose them.

 

and i do think its entirely possible to love someone and yet them not be the right one for you, even when you both really want it to work sometimes it just doesnt. just because you love someone doesnt mean you should do everything they ask of you if that goes against how you feel.

 

Intelect is a massive issue, probably the biggiest IMO. you need to be able to talk on the same level about things which interest you and have stimulating conversations.

earlier poster said you can gain these things from friends and family, i agree its difficult to find one person who has everything but similar intellect and interests should be right up there when it comes to a partner.

 

thing is, if YOU postpone the wedding, what will she do? i cant help thinking you're just obeying her. she's pretending to be compromise over councelling and moving in together, but she knows as the date draws nearer she knows its less and less likely you will postpone it. plus by then you will be living together and she can really crank up the heat on you if you suggest it again.

 

i cant think of anything worse than marrying someone you know isnt really 100% into it. the whole point is that you know the other person wholeheartedly wants to be with you forever and shares your hopes and dreams. she wants the piece of paper, the ring and the title.

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[vsmini]

She has had full control over two of the most major decisions in the last 6 months, the engagement and the wedding date.

 

She got the engagement and so she should be able to work with you on the wedding date. Simple as that. You expressed to her in the beginning that you wanted 2012 she said no. You re-expressed to her that you want to make it later....she said no again.

 

I can understand her being worried/peeved about moving the wedding date but she's not getting it. She isn't protecting herself - she has every right to want to get married but she's setting herself up for a disaster if a man is coming to her, being honest about his feelings about postponing and is still not budging on the issue.

 

Marriage therapy should be starting now - not two weeks before the wedding....that is just not enough time. I'm sorry to say this but I almost feel that if she can give you an ultimatum about marriage you can give her back her own ultimatum:

 

She can listen to what you have to say and give you the time you need or she can walk. She has valid arguments on why she doesn't want to postpone but so do you....move in....get therapy for a few months then get married.

[vsmini]

She actually said you don't know what it will be like till you just do it. That's a interesting way of looking at getting married. I guess it's true and you deal with the issues you bring into your marraige while being married. Honestly that's not my favorite option. .

 

It might not be your favorite option but that's life. You deal with issues and uncertainties with your job, your family, wife, friends...all in the moment. But you don't put it all off because you can't map out every single thing.

 

The real question is - are you ready to go through the nasty, hard, difficult, challenging, unsexy times with her? Are you prepared to get through your lives together...forever...no matter what?

Marriage means doing all of that. 24/7. Even if you think someone better comes along...oh well - you made your commitment gotta let that one pass. No more grass is always greener syndromeor I only get one life to live so I'm going back to the single life! Are you prepared to do that?

 

Marriage doesn't automatically mean misery but there will be some miserable times (or at least a good chance of it). You can't foresee everything but you should be able to say with a lot of certainty that YES - you can handle that.

 

On another note - I've known a couple that sounds similar to the two of you and on their honeymoon he turned to her and said "I think I made a huge mistake - I can't be married to you." They took separate flights home and had it annulled. So yea......she's right: some people don't know how it will feel until they actually do it.

[serial muse]

She got the engagement and so she should be able to work with you on the wedding date. Simple as that. You expressed to her in the beginning that you wanted 2012 she said no. You re-expressed to her that you want to make it later....she said no again.

 

I can understand her being worried/peeved about moving the wedding date but she's not getting it. She isn't protecting herself - she has every right to want to get married but she's setting herself up for a disaster if a man is coming to her, being honest about his feelings about postponing and is still not budging on the issue.

 

Marriage therapy should be starting now - not two weeks before the wedding....that is just not enough time. I'm sorry to say this but I almost feel that if she can give you an ultimatum about marriage you can give her back her own ultimatum:

 

She can listen to what you have to say and give you the time you need or she can walk. She has valid arguments on why she doesn't want to postpone but so do you....move in....get therapy for a few months then get married.

 

This is excellent advice. OP, I think it's really telling that your fiancee didn't want to work with you to set a date you're comfortable with, but moved full-speed-ahead on her agenda. That suggests she's either really controlling or really worried. If it's just that she's worried - specifically, that you might back out (which seems to be a legitimate fear, to be honest) - then that's workable, at least. But in neither case should you jump into marriage.

 

Therapy really does seem to be in order here. Suggesting therapy would also serve the purpose of indicating to her that even if you postpone the wedding, you are invested in her and want to be with her and solve the problems together. Hopefully, she'll see it that way.

[westrock]

I agree with the other posters. You need to postpone the wedding and get counselling.

 

How can you love someone but yet be uncertain of a positive life with them at the same time? I think the overwhelming divorce rate plays alot into my concerns. Leave no stone unturned. I want to make sure I know my partner as well as possible before I make the "I do" decision.

 

OP, it sounds to me that you are conflicted.

 

On one hand you do want to marry her (after all you did propose), but on the other hand, you have all these unresolved issues/stressors that you are unable to fit into your idea of marriage. This type of conflict causes stress. To resolve the conflict you need to fairly look at both sides and learn how to accept marriage while at the same time addressing your issues/stressors.

 

Do you consider yourself a perfectionist in your life or someone who doesn't like not having full control over their life? I ask because it sounds like you want to be 100% sure of a positive life with a potential spouse before proceeding. Sounds great in theory, but marriage (and life) doesn't work that way. There's an endless number of stones to over turn. But, you don't have to overturn every stone to be sure. Instead, what you need is the confidence that if you overturn a stone and it reveals issues, the two can discuss the issue and work through it.

 

When you love someone, it means you love them despite the uncertainty and it means you do whatever it takes to make life positive with them. You deal with the ups and downs, positives and negatives.

 

She has had full control over two of the most major decisions in the last 6 months, the engagement and the wedding date. It was either propose or she leaves. I couldn't picture her out of my life, that tore me up inside. So I took her hand and asked her to marry me. I told her right after our engagement that I would have like a wedding in 2012, spring to be exact. She was fiercly opposed to that idea, she wanted a 2011 wedding, so I caved in on it.

 

The truth is that she doesn't have full control. It's just the way you are interpreting the situation. You did not have to propose to her. You did not have to agree to a 2011 date. You can easily say to her right now, "I am not getting married in 9-weeks. It is too rushed. I won't agree with it."

 

BUT, the reality is that you did propose to her and you did agee to the date. Why? Think about the real reason why you did. Because as you said "I couldn't picture her out of my life, that tore me up inside." -- focus on that and what those words mean to you.

 

You also need to be sensitive of your fiancee's feelings here. Although you feel things are too rushed and probably suffocating, I suspect that she probably also feels that you are abandoning her and that is why she is resisting. She would probably be more open to postponing the wedding if you were to reassure her why you want to postpone the wedding and that you are not abandoning her.

Edited August 19, 2011 by westrock

[vsmini]

You also need to be sensitive of your fiancee's feelings here. Although you feel things are too rushed and probably suffocating, I suspect that she probably also feels that you are abandoning her and that is why she is resisting. She would probably be more open to postponing the wedding if you were to reassure her why you want to postpone the wedding and that you are not abandoning her.

 

Well said WESTROCK.

 

You really do have to let your fiance know that this is not abandonment in any form. That for the relationship's sake you need her to try to understand and respect your need to postpone the date. Make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that the date needs to be moved. If she still doesn't budge then you guys are at a stand-still and should not get married. Let her walk away (easier said than done) if she wants to. A marriage made out of guilt is no marriage at all.

[World]

UPDATE

 

She won't budge on postponing the wedding. I love her so much and the thought of ending our relationship is something I don't even like thinking about.

 

She said I can start moving my things into her place thisweekend. She wants me to move my bed and some of my clothes. The bed is a huge one for me since it's my comfort zone area. I think she thinks if I move the bed it will be a huge step for dealing with my anxiety.

 

My anxiety is ramped up 10x's today. I mean I'm feeling like I'm losing my mind. The though of moving my bed is scaring the crap out of me.

 

We have 8 weeks till our wedding. I'm feeling that pressure so badly that I want to do almost anything to get away from it.

 

If I move my bed over there I feel like it's final. There is no working out these issues. There is only just acceptance and dealing with them.

 

She said if there is any doubt in my mind that we aren't getting married in 8 weeks that I need to tell her so she can move on. It's either put up or shut up.

[westrock]

She said if there is any doubt in my mind that we aren't getting married in 8 weeks that I need to tell her so she can move on. It's either put up or shut up.

 

You have doubt, so you need to tell her. What she then decides to do about that is something she has to live with too.

[janiesuper]

To world:

 

I signed up for this forum because i found your thread. I lost my fiance this spring after he "got cold feet" just 4 months before our wedding date. I honestly thought everything was fine! He didnt have any issues, he was happy to plan the wedding with me. We were romantic and smiling, just until 2 weeks before he canceled the wedding and I split up with him. He did not want to postpone as I suggested.

 

You need to DO something. Either you need to make a decision, or if you cannot you need to tell her you cannot. Do not just let things go along.

 

I see that you are increasingly negative about what is happening. I'm going to be totally honest with you, you seem to be wanting to blame her. "put up or shut up" I think were your words. If you love her, you need to make an effort to keep negativity at bay. Your relationship is probably very good, but negative thinking is ruining your good times here.

 

She probably won't postpone the wedding because most things are reserved and paid for. It cost us about $4K to cancel our wedding. $4K for nothing!!

 

You really should have been much more stern about your feelings early on, the earlier you can postpone a wedding the cheaper it is. She is not budging because she wants you to make a decision. You both need to really talk this through without fighting. if its a financial decision come up with some ideas for having the wedding but not signing the marriage certificate, and agree on what you will or won't tell your guests. (it wont make a difference to them if you divorced or never got married, you ended anyway)

 

The difference with you wanting kids is a huge one. You should have discussed this before becoming engaged. the fear of living together is also huge.

 

In the end, YOU must do something NOW. But please, understand your own responsibilities in this, if you cancel on her, you may lose her forever. My fiance did. I refuse to talk to him. Its too painful.

 

also understand, marriage is a commitment and its a compromise. You will have to give up something for her, and she is giving up something for you. this is not just her trying to tie you down. the sooner you get a handle on that negativity the better.

 

best of luck to you and I really do hope your love wins in the end marriage or no marriage.

[World]

I loaded my bed up into my truck. I grabbed a few baskets full of clothes. She's helping me move my stuff. She is so kind, she knows how hard this is for me. She even brought me a coffee when she came over so I would feel better. This anxiety is insane though. I'm hoping by moving some things over there I can begin to relax a bit. Realise this isn't so bad and my anxiety will calm down.

 

My thought to postpone the wedding was so I can get some time to settle down my anxiety as I move in. Her wedding shower is also next weekend which is stressing me out. She's going to have all her friends over to celebrate her getting married. Problem is her fiance is a emotional wreck and needs help.

 

I wish I had more time to figure all this out. I wish we could do the counseling without the pressure of all this on me. If I didn't love her this much I wouldn't be putting myself through all this.

 

Some of you posted that if your fiance came to you with anxiety/depression and needed help you would do whatever it took to make them better. I wish my fiance would do the same.

[World]

I think I've figured out my anxiety. I'm 35 years old. I've never been able to hold a relationship for longer than a couple years. I always find something wrong with the person. Even a girl I dated and absolutely loved and adored i started picking her apart. I started finding things wrong with her even though I loved her.

 

This time around is kind of the same thing. I pick S.O. apart. I find things wrong with them so I can justify a reason to get out. I think my problem here is I can't find anything to pick apart that is really a long term problem. She's such a great overall person.

 

I think my phobia is where my separation from most people start. I always think grass is greener on the otherside. I bet if the most perfect woman came into my life I would still think the grass is greener.

 

They tell commitment phobes to just jump in. Get it over with. That scares me to no end but I guess it wouldn't be a phobia if it didn't. I started taking medication yesterday, Wellbutrin. Hopefully this helps.

 

So I'm moving a few things into her place. This causes me huge anxiety. I want to run away, call it quits and go back to my place and huddle in my room all alone.

 

That's another thing strange about me, I never get lonely.

[westrock]

I always find something wrong with the person. Even a girl I dated and absolutely loved and adored i started picking her apart. I started finding things wrong with her even though I loved her.

 

People who do this are actually picking themselves apart.

 

I bet if the most perfect woman came into my life I would still think the grass is greener.

 

This is the sign of someone who is a perfectionist. Nothing is good enough for you because you don't feel yourself as being good enough.

 

I want to run away, call it quits and go back to my place and huddle in my room all alone.

 

What do you think that is going to do to your fiancee if you do that?

 

 

World, what was your upbringing like? How did your parents treat you? Have you sought out therapy?

[World]

I come from a stable family. My parents are still married after 42 years together. I'm a only child. As a kid we stayed in one place since I was 5 years old. My dad is a perfectionist and I think I am as well.

 

I haven't had real good therapy. I talked to someone before but I don't think it helped. I want to go back to a therapist again. I feel like I have found some important issues to discuss now.

 

I hope this dread goes away. My worst fear is that it won't after i get married. That's a really scary thought.

[westrock]

My dad is a perfectionist and I think I am as well.

 

This is where you need to focus your attention as it is the root cause of your anxiety.

 

People who are brought up with a perfectionist parent have difficulty in relationships later on in life because when you are in a relationship, you cannot be a perfectionist. You cannot control the environment because there are 2 people involved in the relationship. The problem is that the inability to control your environment is counter to the way you responded to your parent's perfectionism during your upbringing. As an adult, the more you are involved with someone, the less control you have. For most people, this is not a problem, but for you, a feeling of losing control leads to the increasing levels of anxiety that you have been experiencing.

 

I hope this dread goes away. My worst fear is that it won't after i get married. That's a really scary thought.

 

Marriage by itself will not make your anxiety go away because it does not address the root cause of your anxiety (your upbringing).

 

Own the anxiety, don't try to fight it. The anxiety is a false reaction to current events based on what you learned as childhood in response to your perfectionist dad. Now as an adult, ask yourself, what's the worst that can happen to you?

 

World, if the first therapist did not help, try another and soon before your anxiety goes even higher as the wedding date approaches.

[TheFinalWord]

Not sure how many of the posters here are women; but as a man, you need to make up your mind. You've been dating her two years. That is enough time to know if you want to marry her or not IMHO. You can't have your cake and eat it too. In other words, you can't just keep living the single life with this woman forever. Eventually she is going to want more...i.e. a husband and her own family. I am sure this has come up a lot and she has waited for you a long time. A lot of people are telling you about your anxiety. I am not sure about the root cause of it b/c there's very little we can learn about you on a discussion board and we don't know her side of things. I do know that if there is a lot of anxiety you should go to counseling first. Make sure it is more than just cold feet before taking the plunge. Anxiety is a warning sign from your body that something isn't right. It could be this isn't the right person for you and your subconscious knows it but your conscious doesn't want to accept it. I've been there.

 

PS: There are a lot of women out there who don't want kids and enjoy intellectual debates. Don't get married just because you don't want to face heartbreak. If that is all it is it is not right to marry her. If you love her you will do what is best for HER (even if that means letting her go) and not just to save your heart some grief. I've been there where I wasn't sure if the girl was the right one for me, but at the same time I didn't want to risk letting her go. Once the heart break was over I looked back and realized those red flags were there for a reason and I'm glad I didn't compromise. Just my 2 cents...

Edited August 22, 2011 by TheFinalWord

[jackmortin]

Some people will be disappointed but at least the hope is still alive. While they live together they can discuss the issue of having kids a small more. I can handle these terms much better than a all or nothing approach.