FWB versus dating

[Pierre]

Interesting. Obviously, every guy (except the current one) I've been with has not worked out as well. If they did, I wouldn't have ever been with anyone else. I like to figure each relationship is a lesson----and I did learn and grow and change from all of them----that is leading me to who I need to be. Is my current BF the one? Well, maybe, but I won't know till much later if he is. (But I certainly don't think anyone should go into a relationship if they don't see it having a chance for lasting success. I just don't think a "failure" is really a failure, if you learned something.)

 

It's good that you're trying to learn and seem open to whatever the lesson is. As long as you are, I feel certain things will fall into place for you.

 

 

 

Interesting. I would say I don't think creating a box in your mind is good, though it is inevitable. The best I can do is lose the box when I know the person. If we talk in hypotheticals, of course there is a box. I have to create a hypothetical. But where I think people go wrong is they try to treat a real three-dimensional flesh-and-blood person like a hypotheticals. Hypotheticals can help us create our boundaries, but it's all a lot of trial and error.

 

Anyway, I do agree and consider "love" to be truly accepting a person exactly as they are. Though you also decide who you love, IMO, which involves some judgment. It has to. Or we could go around loving abusers and the like. But the judgment comes first and when I let someone in, personally, they get all the way in. It is hard to balance judgment/boundaries/good sense with the depth of intimacy and total acceptance required of love. That's perhaps the hardest balancing act of life. (I certainly don't do it perfectly, and I'd imagine it hard to ever do so.)

 

I married quite young and despite being over 40 had very few relationships.

 

The more I read the forum the more I realize that those that had many failed relationships become somewhat cynical and there is a significant loss of innocence when it comes to love and how to interact with the partner. At some point it becomes rather clinical and highly analytical and reaches a point where the single folks are unable to find the right mate (another form of paralysis by analysis).

[zengirl]

I married quite young and despite being over 40 had very few relationships.

 

The more I read the forum the more I realize that those that had many failed relationships become somewhat cynical and there is a significant loss of innocence when it comes to love and how to interact with the partner. At some point it becomes rather clinical and highly analytical and reaches a point where the single folks are unable to find the right mate (another form of paralysis by analysis).

 

Pierre, I think, to some degree, things just look more analytical in writing.

[Pierre]

Pierre, I think, to some degree, things just look more analytical in writing.

 

 

It is easy to find what appears to be love and the right mate when one is young and innocent.

 

Once people mature and had a few bad experiences they become cynical, sarcastic, more selfsih, and way too analytical. Couple that to the fact that as we get older we see a significant reduction of good available mates. At this point the good men and women are already taken.

 

I see women in their late 30s and early 40s that struggle to find a suitable partner and eventually lower their standards. Some even date married men once they realize there no good single men left.

 

The other thing I see (I could be wrong) is that excessive dating at some point cheapens the actual dating activity and makes it quite mundane. I hope I never get to that point.

[Pierre]

 

However, it does concern me because I think I trust too quickly and I need to get better and playing defense.

 

PS: did you get married after 40?

 

 

Good people trust others. Bad people do not trust others. We judge others from our perspective.

[BetheButterfly]

There have been a few threads around FWB recently...so I thought this might be interesting conversation starter.

 

In your opinion what is the difference between FWB and dating?

 

 

 

FWB is based on sex.

Dating is based on relationship (which can include but is not limited to sex)

 

FWB is "using" each other mutually for pleasure.

Dating is getting to know each other with the hope/idea that eventually, a long term "mate for life" relationship will hopefully happen

 

 

What are the indicators of each?

FWB = sex and maybe doing something else/talking (as an afterthought - not necessary for a FWB_

 

Dating = lots of talking/doing things together to get to know each other on a deeper level and in different aspects of life

 

 

 

Also would you ever consider a FWB situation with the sister/brother of one of your best friends? Why/why not?

No. I personally believe FWBs, one night stands, affairs, and prostitution hurt society and do not help strengthen the community.

[Disillusioned]

In your opinion what is the difference between FWB and dating? What are the indicators of each?

 

The only need for a FWB is to feed a sex addiction, nothing more. No one's supposed to get emotionally involved with a FWB or care about them.

[zengirl]

Good people trust others. Bad people do not trust others. We judge others from our perspective.

 

I'm not saying you're wrong---I do believe good people are more trusting---but I think there's something to be said for basic assessment. Otherwise, you can really get hurt---and I don't just mean your feelings.

[ThsAmericanLife]

It is easy to find what appears to be love and the right mate when one is young and innocent.

 

Once people mature and had a few bad experiences they become cynical, sarcastic, more selfsih, and way too analytical. Couple that to the fact that as we get older we see a significant reduction of good available mates. At this point the good men and women are already taken.

 

I see women in their late 30s and early 40s that struggle to find a suitable partner and eventually lower their standards. Some even date married men once they realize there no good single men left.

 

The other thing I see (I could be wrong) is that excessive dating at some point cheapens the actual dating activity and makes it quite mundane. I hope I never get to that point.

 

I don't think I've become bitter or cynical because of my divorce. Not at all, but I can see how many people might. I had a very fulfilling relationship afterwards and would have been married now except for his unfortunate passing. It feels like a cruel joke that I met him in my mid-thirties... well within the age I could have found someone more healthy maybe?? Now I'm in my mid 40's and yep, the best ones are mostly gone... or freshly out of their own divorces, seem to want to play the field. Not settling for them either.

 

Working hard not to lower my standards... I've had married men try very hard to engage me in relationships with them.

 

I do feel excessive 'dating' hardens one's heart... making new friends and hoping one of them might lead to something more? That feels more healthy.

[Pierre]

Maybe I am wired differently, but I cannot do a FWB deal. If i want to have sex it is usually with someone I have a connection. Sex in a vacuum does not work for me, never has.

 

However, I believe many men need that sort of thing. I suspect women simply go along with it. Unless they are older and sleeping with a very young man. I get that!

[Pierre]

 

FWB = sex and maybe doing something else/talking (as an afterthought - not necessary for a FWB_

 

Dating = lots of talking/doing things together to get to know each other on a deeper level and in different aspects of life

 

 

 

FWB sounds closer to what animals do in the wild. But, even then------------the animals require some courting. :laugh:

[Disillusioned]

FWBs are supposed to be f***able but not loveable. You're supposed to have about as much feeling for them as for a bottle of beer. They're not even supposed to be your friend.

[Ayla]

FWBs are supposed to be f***able but not loveable. You're supposed to have about as much feeling for them as for a bottle of beer. They're not even supposed to be your friend.

 

Why not even friends? If they are not even supposed to be friends-then what is the point of calling them a FWB?

[Ayla]

Maybe I am wired differently, but I cannot do a FWB deal. If i want to have sex it is usually with someone I have a connection.

 

Isn't a FWB a person you have a connection with as a friend? Or is a FWB just a nice way of saying booty call?

[Pierre]

Isn't a FWB a person you have a connection with as a friend? Or is a FWB just a nice way of saying booty call?

 

I could have sex with a friend once or twice if I am drunk, but after that I see no point. That is not my thing, I don't need that sort of validation.

 

I think men and women that f****k everything in sight have issues.

 

I also believe that f****ing for the sake of f****ing because of being horny in a vacuum is close to what animals do in the wild. I thought we were different because we are homo sapiens.

[Disillusioned]

Why not even friends? If they are not even supposed to be friends-then what is the point of calling them a FWB?

 

I don't know where you live, but here in some parts of the US it's the rule to treat friendship casually. We never get upset if our buddy says they're going to do something nice for us and then never does it.

 

Like I said, the FWB concept exists solely for feeding an addiction. Junkies don't feel sorry for the needles they throw away after they use them once, so why should anyone feel bad after using a FWB to satisfy their sex addiction?

[Ayla]

I don't know where you live, but here in some parts of the US it's the rule to treat friendship casually. We never get upset if our buddy says they're going to do something nice for us and then never does it.

 

Where I'm from friends are important people in your life-like family that you choose. Casual buddies are people you might see a few times a year...ones that you care less about whether you see them again or not, and you don't really care what they think. Maybe they could be ok for FWB (if you are into that) but friends that you see frequently, communicate lots etc - I don't think FWB could happen.

[Ayla]

I could have sex with a friend once or twice if I am drunk, but after that I see no point. That is not my thing, I don't need that sort of validation.

 

I think men and women that f****k everything in sight have issues.

 

I also believe that f****ing for the sake of f****ing because of being horny in a vacuum is close to what animals do in the wild. I thought we were different because we are homo sapiens.

 

I agree, and am not one to have sex for the sake of it, I prefer it with someone I could or am having a relationship with. I did have a lover for 2 years (like Ruby), although that has now ended. I just think there is so much ambiguity about what a FWB is...based on what others say-it is really a nice way of saying f***buddy, because you don't really care about them or what they think.

Edited August 20, 2011 by Ayla
Left out a sentance

[ThsAmericanLife]

Just like some people prefer to use the term 'making love' instead of 'f**ing' as a way of marketing sex... some people use the term 'FWB' instead of 'f**k-buddy'.

 

Makes it more palatable to the one getting 'f**ed'.

[sm1tten]

I think of a **** buddy as a person you're just ****ing, and a FWB as a person who you know, may hang out with, and are ****ing. But I think BtB had a good point in that FWB's relationships are based in sex.As in, sex is the primary thing you have in common.

 

I don't have any friends I want to ****, and I don't have any acquaintances I want to ****, and I'm not in a relationship (nor is one looking to be on the horizon) and therefore I'm just apparently not ****ing. I have so many ****s to give, but no one to give them to.

 

I hope I don't get banned for that one.

[Ayla]

Would you ever have a FWB relationship with a friend within your social circle? Someone friends with your brother or sister? Some people in this post have said that this would be too close to home. IMO I think it would be too risky-to much to loose. Agree/disagree?

[Disillusioned]

Instead of going through all the trouble to get a FWB when you absolutely need that next sex fix, why can't men just buy fleshlights, and women buy dildos? Fleshlights and dildos are portable enough to fit into a purse or briefcase, and when you're out and about and you start jonesing, you can just duck into the nearest john, lock the stall door, whip that fleshlight or that dildo out, and get your fix with no muss, no fuss... then once you're done, you put it away and you're on your merry way again until the next time you feel that monkey on your back.

[Neith]

I figure it a little differently:

 

fun + sex + a dash of romance + the freedom of being in this moment only = lover

 

He invited me on Facebook today, and even though I hesitated, I accepted. I think he is trying to wiggle his way in. I just have to be strong!

 

Ruby.

I think you should start a thread somewhere ...almost like a blog/journal about your encounters with this guy. And any progressions on feelings, etc etc.

 

I am beyond curious!

Don't be afraid to tell me to mind my own business though.

[Ayla]

Instead of going through all the trouble to get a FWB when you absolutely need that next sex fix, why can't men just buy fleshlights, and women buy dildos? Fleshlights and dildos are portable enough to fit into a purse or briefcase, and when you're out and about and you start jonesing, you can just duck into the nearest john, lock the stall door, whip that fleshlight or that dildo out, and get your fix with no muss, no fuss... then once you're done, you put it away and you're on your merry way again until the next time you feel that monkey on your back.

 

Ha ha! Love it. I agree, it would save so much heartache, confusion and complications in the long run! I'm personally not a fan if FWB and prefer getting to know someone that hopefully will turn out to be the right one. It's the romantic in me that believes he is out there-hopefully the spunky one I just had coffee with!

[orion1010]

There have been a few threads around FWB recently...so I thought this might be interesting conversation starter.

 

In your opinion what is the difference between FWB and dating? What are the indicators of each?

 

Also would you ever consider a FWB situation with the sister/brother of one of your best friends? Why/why not?

 

 

I'm currently in a FWB situation and have posted a thread on it recently. Here is what my opinion is.

 

FWB is someone you have already known, dated, or is and acquaintance. There is already a bond between you. You both decided to have this "relationship" where boundries are put in place before you begin this relationship. Such as the other person is free to date others, nobody is expected to keep in contact on a daily basis. Jealousy can't be an issue. There are no expectations other than sex and it's usually very private.

 

Here is where the confusion is I think with so many people. Just because it's a FWB relationship, there is still respect, honesty, conversation, and good company when these to people meet up. Just b/c it's a FWB situation, either person does not have the right to treat each other poorly, with lack of recpect or have the right to lie to each other.

 

In order to maintain a healthy FWB situation, these two people must communicate before it begins on topics such as STD's, pregnency, boundries, and talk about how to end it in a healthy way for both parties if either of them meet something else.

 

Dating on the other hand is harder, b/c these things are not usually talked about early on and people take more time to figure these things out which to me is ironic. Dating is different because you are evaluating this person as a future mate/partner. Dating is highly emotional, where falling in love is the point.

[Pierre]

I think of a **** buddy as a person you're just ****ing, and a FWB as a person who you know, may hang out with, and are ****ing. But I think BtB had a good point in that FWB's relationships are based in sex.As in, sex is the primary thing you have in common.

 

I don't have any friends I want to ****, and I don't have any acquaintances I want to ****, and I'm not in a relationship (nor is one looking to be on the horizon) and therefore I'm just apparently not ****ing. I have so many ****s to give, but no one to give them to.

 

I hope I don't get banned for that one.

 

 

All of us have extra sex we could use (or give even if we are in a relationship), but using that extra for the sake of using may not be the right thing.