OliveOyl Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 It's because we both prefer something over nothing. He prefers to settle for the time being, and I prefer to be desperate, then sit in our apartments and be completely alone. But is that really a good thing? In my opinion, no. It's kind of like this. It's like you really want to eat at a nice restaurant, but you're filling your hunger with drive-thru KFC. Even if you went to the nice restaurant, you're too full (not really satisfied, but full) to enjoy it. In fact you're not even looking to see what new restaurants are opening up because you're in the habit of grabbing KFC after work. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 I have sworn off FWB situations after one time even if I were to become single again but this guy knows what he is getting into. If a person wants a relationship find somebody that wants one as well. Don't try to force it with somebody that just wants something casual. This is why I say FWB tend to work better in theory than practice. They are like sexual communism. Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I have sworn off FWB situations after one time even if I were to become single again but this guy knows what he is getting into. If a person wants a relationship find somebody that wants one as well. Don't try to force it with somebody that just wants something casual. This is why I say FWB tend to work better in theory than practice. They are like sexual communism. You are absolutely right! FWB tend to work better in theory then in practice. I«ve been in several FWB situations over the years and while I've had a couple successful ones, I've also had messy ones, where either me or the guy developed unwanted feelings. And they don't end badly, necessarily, but, remembering the ones where *I* was emotionally involved, it was, mostly, very draining. If I notice, on a FWB, some sort of feelings developing, if I'm not into it, I end things straight away. It is not fair on the other person to be waiting for you to come around, when you know you never will. Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 You are absolutely right! FWB tend to work better in theory then in practice. I«ve been in several FWB situations over the years and while I've had a couple successful ones, I've also had messy ones, where either me or the guy developed unwanted feelings. And they don't end badly, necessarily, but, remembering the ones where *I* was emotionally involved, it was, mostly, very draining. If I notice, on a FWB, some sort of feelings developing, if I'm not into it, I end things straight away. It is not fair on the other person to be waiting for you to come around, when you know you never will. All the times I've tried FWB, whenever I try to set boundaries or "keep back" (so it's only physical) the guy is the one who encourages the emotional attachment... This is the 2nd guy that told me he couldn't handle a romantic relationship, and then turned me into a quasi-girlfriend. (The last one took me to an intimate couples party of him and his friends, where everyone kept asking me how long we'd been together, how'd we meet... humiliating.) Why is that, that the more I try to keep it casual the more the guy starts turning on the emotional triggers, but as soon as I develop feelings, it's "oh I'm not looking for anything serious." WTH, guys?? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 All the times I've tried FWB, whenever I try to set boundaries or "keep back" (so it's only physical) the guy is the one who encourages the emotional attachment... This is the 2nd guy that told me he couldn't handle a romantic relationship, and then turned me into a quasi-girlfriend. (The last one took me to an intimate couples party of him and his friends, where everyone kept asking me how long we'd been together, how'd we meet... humiliating.) Why is that, that the more I try to keep it casual the more the guy starts turning on the emotional triggers, but as soon as I develop feelings, it's "oh I'm not looking for anything serious." WTH, guys?? Many people both men and women want what they can't have. They would rather chase after the challenge than go with the person who wants the same thing they do. It is just an example of how dysfunctional and screwed up modern day relationships have become. My one attempt at a FWB relationship ended because a woman who took pride in never becoming attached to a man ended up falling in love with me because I was the only man who didn't fall for her. It was just a big clusterfunk of dysfunction. Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 (The last one took me to an intimate couples party of him and his friends, where everyone kept asking me how long we'd been together, how'd we meet... humiliating.) That doesn't have to be humiliating at all. My ex and I started dating casually. We would go on dates and he took me to a friend's birthday party and obviously people asked us how long we'd been together for. And we'd just smile, look at each other and say "I wouldn't say we're together together! We're going out, seeing how it goes" It wasn't humiliating at all. We did make it official at some point! Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 That doesn't have to be humiliating at all. My ex and I started dating casually. We would go on dates and he took me to a friend's birthday party and obviously people asked us how long we'd been together for. And we'd just smile, look at each other and say "I wouldn't say we're together together! We're going out, seeing how it goes" It wasn't humiliating at all. We did make it official at some point! ... But this was after 5 months of casually dating, and any time I brought up the topic the guy said," I'm just been so hurt, I can't let anyone in yet, I'm not ready." This kind of behavior just... baffles me. Fine, current guy wants physical stuff. But does he have to draw me in emotionally too?... Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Well there must be some reason I'm not suitable as a girlfriend, but I can't think as of what. We're both from middle class, Midwestern, Caucasian backgrounds, both went to college, both have parents who are still married, both have steady office-professional jobs (I make a *tad* more than him, being in IT), neither previously married or with children... He also won't talk about why he isn't able to handle a romantic relationship right now (the best I got is that he went out on a limb a few months ago and it burned him... so...) From the little history I've gathered, he does seem far more comfortable with FWBs than girlfriends... He's 30 years old, has had about 11 partners but only 2 serious girlfriends, both of whom lasted less than a year. He also has lots and lots of female friends, several of whom he's had some sort of arrangement in the past. He says he's not sleeping with anyone else ("I can see why you think that, as I have lots of female friends and am attractive").... but I suspect that he really just enjoys the freedom of being single, but also wants the benefits of a romantic relationship. So, the classic "have his cake and eat it too"? .... I do wish he'd knock it off, though, it can get quite frustrating with him sitting there going on and on about how excited he is to be a dad, and how he hopes his wife will be nerdy and into the stuff he is, as I'm sitting there across from him being.... nerdy and into the stuff he is. Do you realize your fwb guy sounds very selfish and narcissistic? Unlike Ruby this guy has no empathy for you. He talks about future relationships, wife, Kidsk and he has no clue he is hurting your feelings. Inability to feel empathy is one of the hallmarks of narcissistic personality. I suspect this guy is too much into himself. Is everything associated with him great? Or the best? Did you ever talk to prior girl friends? Does he know how to bs with the best of them? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Well of course. Who wouldn't prefer something over nothing? It's why my FWB doesn't look me in the face and tell me exactly why he will never date me, why the whole "can't handle a romantic relationship" is an excuse and he's just using me for companionship/sex while he waits for someone awesome to come along. It's why I don't look him in the face and tell him exactly how much his behavior crushes me, how I fade a little every time he mentions how excited he is to have kids, how I can't bring myself to go out on dates anymore because I don't feel attracted to other guys. It's because we both prefer something over nothing. He prefers to settle for the time being, and I prefer to be desperate, then sit in our apartments and be completely alone. But is that really a good thing? So... why don't you end this? All the times I've tried FWB, whenever I try to set boundaries or "keep back" (so it's only physical) the guy is the one who encourages the emotional attachment... This is the 2nd guy that told me he couldn't handle a romantic relationship, and then turned me into a quasi-girlfriend. (The last one took me to an intimate couples party of him and his friends, where everyone kept asking me how long we'd been together, how'd we meet... humiliating.) Why is that, that the more I try to keep it casual the more the guy starts turning on the emotional triggers, but as soon as I develop feelings, it's "oh I'm not looking for anything serious." WTH, guys?? I have experienced a version of this for sure. It seems to me that when I go all in on love, the guy gets lazier with his effort and investment. But when I behave as if I could take or leave the guy, he goes friggin nuts trying to win me over, wow me, melt my heart. If I love a man in a way that feels pure and unbridled to me, it seems to be taken for granted. But if I give him scraps, he's salivating and constantly nipping at me for more. I have this romantic idea that this guy and I can make this work somehow, that our time together can be like this parallel universe where all things are good and light, with none of the usual crap. Ah, I am just a dreamer. Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 So... why don't you end this? I have experienced a version of this for sure. It seems to me that when I go all in on love, the guy gets lazier with his effort and investment. But when I behave as if I could take or leave the guy, he goes friggin nuts trying to win me over, wow me, melt my heart. Because at this point I figure FWB is going to be the best I can get, and it is better to be desperate than alone. Also.... because I honestly like him. I really enjoy his personality and we have a lot of fun together, even without all the bedroom antics. If I could just kill the pathetic hope that he could ever see me as more than a FWB, it'd be a golden situation. So what's your secret for taking-or-leaving the guy? How can I use him? Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Because at this point I figure FWB is going to be the best I can get, and it is better to be desperate than alone. Also.... because I honestly like him. I really enjoy his personality and we have a lot of fun together, even without all the bedroom antics. If I could just kill the pathetic hope that he could ever see me as more than a FWB, it'd be a golden situation. So what's your secret for taking-or-leaving the guy? How can I use him? If we follow the logic of Ruby: Treat the guy like shyte and tell him you are dating others. I suspect he will come around. You did not answer the questions. Is there a chance the FWB could be narcissistic? Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Because at this point I figure FWB is going to be the best I can get, and it is better to be desperate than alone. I forgot to add: Narcissistic men have a special radar for women like you. The two of you fit like a hand in a glove. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Because at this point I figure FWB is going to be the best I can get, and it is better to be desperate than alone. Also.... because I honestly like him. I really enjoy his personality and we have a lot of fun together, even without all the bedroom antics. If I could just kill the pathetic hope that he could ever see me as more than a FWB, it'd be a golden situation. So what's your secret for taking-or-leaving the guy? How can I use him? I think I'm a lot sweeter to my lover than yours is to you. I take great care to make sure things are balanced, that for everything he gives, I give something, too. I can't just use him selfishly. I don't do the thoughtless things you have described your FWB doing. I consider my lover's feelings right alongside my own. I don't know. The best I have been able to come up with is to think of this as an alternate universe -- a place we get to go to only rarely, where the only concept of time is now. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I don't know. The best I have been able to come up with is to think of this as an alternate universe -- a place we get to go to only rarely, where the only concept of time is now. You are either traveling at the speed of light or you are at the edge of the event horizon of a black hole. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 You are either traveling at the speed of light or you are at the edge of the event horizon of a black hole. Speed of light, man! Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 You are either traveling at the speed of light or you are at the edge of the event horizon of a black hole. If you travel at the speed of light the passage of time stops. Good idea!! Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 another lady who wants to use a guy. is there any that don't? ... Wow, you've read absolutely none of my other posts in this thread, have you? In which I talk about how this guy is not only using me for physical purposes, but is also sending me mixed messages and trying to ensnare me emotionally. If I were to "use" him, it would only be using him back. @Pierre Not sure if he's narcissistic. He's fairly close-lipped about his past; the only snippets I get are stuff he throws into conversation ("this girl and I had really boring sex, this is the girl I hooked up with at Con last year, this is my friend, she wanted to get with me but she's in an open marriage and I'm not sure I could handle that situation...") If anything, I wouldn't say he's narcissistic, he's more... childish. He describes himself as a kid in a grown-up's body. He has the kind of enthusiasm and lack of filter you see with kids (he's responsible in terms of job, money management and other "adult" stuff... it's just his personality that's child-like.) Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 hes using you but you can't resist. i'm a loser to you and the rest of the female gender because i'm 47 and have never had sex. you're giving this ass something i've never got in 47 years. Um... I never called you a loser. Sorry you haven't had sex, but that is not my fault... and why is it okay for him to get a free pass to use me but I'm somehow a horrible person for thinking I should maybe use him back? Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 the female gender thinks of 47 year old virgins as losers. sorry you had say but its not my fault is anything of saying that no lady would touch me with a ten foot pole. he wont let you use him back. so what'll happen is you're use a guy like me instead for revenge. its happened to me more than once. And then... how is it no YOUR fault for getting used, if it's MY fault for getting used? And perhaps it's not the virginity that's keeping ladies back with a ten foot pole... you didn't wake up a 47 year old virgin, things along the way resulted in you turning up that way. Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 its your fault for not cutting him off even though you know hes using you. would you have sex with a 47 year old virgin? would any woman you know have sex a 47 year old virgin? I wouldn't, but more cause of the 47 year old part... Perhaps 47 year old FEMALE virgins? I bet most of that demographic would be thrilled! Link to post Share on other sites
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