FWB versus dating

[sm1tten]

Well I don't want to give my sex away, haha. The

I have so many ****s to give

is actually an internet meme.

 

Going back a bit, and maybe cross-threading a tad, the "lover" term is something I have an issue with as a substitution for FWB. I've always understood that a lover is someone that you can't be with... not usually someone you are choosing not to be with because they don't fit your standards. Ruby's

fun + sex + a dash of romance + the freedom of being in this moment only

is something I could achieve in dating. But as I've said in other threads, maybe it's because my relationship goals are not the same as many of the other women on LS.

 

I also don't understand how one dates if one has a FWB? It all just seems... overly complicated. I imagine that if I were dating a guy with an FWB, he probably isn't going to stop in the middle of hooking up with me to tell me that he actually can't because he's in a committed sexual relationship with another woman, and then expect me to wait for him to break that one off and resume our relationship. And at the same time, if you're actually friends who are having sex, you're getting your sex and companionship needs filled -- so why are you dating other people? I actually thought one of the points of the arrangement was to fulfill needs you couldn't meet otherwise.

[orion1010]

I also don't understand how one dates if one has a FWB? It all just seems... overly complicated. I imagine that if I were dating a guy with an FWB, he probably isn't going to stop in the middle of hooking up with me to tell me that he actually can't because he's in a committed sexual relationship with another woman, and then expect me to wait for him to break that one off and resume our relationship. And at the same time, if you're actually friends who are having sex, you're getting your sex and companionship needs filled -- so why are you dating other people? I actually thought one of the points of the arrangement was to fulfill needs you couldn't meet otherwise.

 

Dating while having a FWB is easy and not complicated. For example, I'm open and looking for a long term partner for a long and healthy relaitonship, but in the mean time, I will continue my FWB. You ask, "what happens if you meet someone who has a FWB and you think that he won't stop hooking with you in the middle of getting it on b/c he has FWB with someone else". Here is the thing.. people continue the FWB until they meet someone they may want to date. At that time, before sex even happens with the new person, they end it with the FWB if they really like that new person. If they don't really like that new person, they may continue seeing you and the other woman.

 

You have to ask the person you're dating what their situation is b/c until you and him are committed, all bets are off so to speak. Dating simply means not committed but trying to find out if there is potential for love.

[Ruby Slippers]

Ruby.

I think you should start a thread somewhere ...almost like a blog/journal about your encounters with this guy. And any progressions on feelings, etc etc.

 

I am beyond curious!

Don't be afraid to tell me to mind my own business though.

Hmm, I appreciate your curiosity, but I'm not sure if I want to start a thread just for this. For all I know, it could be over in a week.

 

But I will give an update: He came over the other night, and we had a great time. When he first got here, he laid a big one on me and gave me some dark chocolate. Then we just sat down and talked to each other about our week. We were sitting on the couch, and he goes, "Why don't you relax, put your legs in my lap, and let me rub your feet for you?" I just laughed and said, "That's OK." (He did it later -- he gives awesome foot rubs!) We both had productive and successful weeks, and we used some of the energy and advice we got from each other as fuel for that, and gave credit as such. We were going to have dinner, but it was really hot, and neither of us was hungry.

 

After hours of great sex , we moved to the cuddling portion of the evening. We are a great fit for cuddling. He cuddles exactly the way I like, and he's liberally touching and feeling me up as we do. It's really hot and sweet. And then, we slowly drifted off to sleep. It was peaceful and nice, just what I wanted.

 

By the time we felt a stopping point arrive, it was already 2:00 in the morning, so I told him he was welcome to stay over if he wanted. And he did. It was much easier to sleep next to him than it usually is with a new person. And I had this very interesting and elaborate dream, and he was in it! I had another cool dream last night, too.

 

He has been totally cool and no pressure about everything. But my feelings are definitely bubbling up a little.

 

I did look at his Facebook page and pictures, and now I have a bit better sense for what he's about. On one hand, I see a number of elements that remind me we are not a good fit. We have different interests and lifestyles. But on the other hand, it showed me more of his humanity, and some of the things that we do have in common -- like, when he was younger, he was pretty darn nerdy, and as he gets older, he's getting sportier and sexier.

 

I find it hard to pin down my "type", but the best I have ever been able to come up with is nerdy-sporty. I have a guy friend (in a relationship) who is nerdy-sporty, and we have a very strong and somewhat flirty friend connection. And my best matches in the past have been with guys who are nerdy (smart, techie) and sporty (athletic, fit, fun).

 

When he was over, he said it looks like I need to update the operating system on my smartphone (which is the same as his). I let him look at it (as I looked with him), and he tried to do the update on the phone, but said he'll need to bring his laptop over to do it for me. He also might help me with some tech problems with my little home recording studio that have been getting in my way, which is awesome.

 

In spite of the cool things about him, I know what the limitations are, and I know it's best that this stays what it is.

 

Right now, I feel good about everything. I think this is good for both of us, and pushing us forward to do the things we want and need to do most. He definitely lights my fire, and helps keep me inspired to be more active and social. And he has said similar.

 

If things go downhill, exiting is always an option.

[Pierre]

Hmm, I appreciate your curiosity, but I'm not sure if I want to start a thread just for this. For all I know, it could be over in a week.

 

But I will give an update: He came over the other night, and we had a great time. When he first got here, he laid a big one on me and gave me some dark chocolate. Then we just sat down and talked to each other about our week. We were sitting on the couch, and he goes, "Why don't you relax, put your legs in my lap, and let me rub your feet for you?" I just laughed and said, "That's OK." (He did it later -- he gives awesome foot rubs!) We both had productive and successful weeks, and we used some of the energy and advice we got from each other as fuel for that, and gave credit as such. We were going to have dinner, but it was really hot, and neither of us was hungry.

 

After hours of great sex , we moved to the cuddling portion of the evening. We are a great fit for cuddling. He cuddles exactly the way I like, and he's liberally touching and feeling me up as we do. It's really hot and sweet. And then, we slowly drifted off to sleep. It was peaceful and nice, just what I wanted.

 

By the time we felt a stopping point arrive, it was already 2:00 in the morning, so I told him he was welcome to stay over if he wanted. And he did. It was much easier to sleep next to him than it usually is with a new person. And I had this very interesting and elaborate dream, and he was in it! I had another cool dream last night, too.

 

He has been totally cool and no pressure about everything. But my feelings are definitely bubbling up a little.

 

I did look at his Facebook page and pictures, and now I have a bit better sense for what he's about. On one hand, I see a number of elements that remind me we are not a good fit. We have different interests and lifestyles. But on the other hand, it showed me more of his humanity, and some of the things that we do have in common -- like, when he was younger, he was pretty darn nerdy, and as he gets older, he's getting sportier and sexier.

 

I find it hard to pin down my "type", but the best I have ever been able to come up with is nerdy-sporty. I have a guy friend (in a relationship) who is nerdy-sporty, and we have a very strong and somewhat flirty friend connection. And my best matches in the past have been with guys who are nerdy (smart, techie) and sporty (athletic, fit, fun).

 

When he was over, he said it looks like I need to update the operating system on my smartphone (which is the same as his). I let him look at it (as I looked with him), and he tried to do the update on the phone, but said he'll need to bring his laptop over to do it for me. He also might help me with some tech problems with my little home recording studio that have been getting in my way, which is awesome.

 

In spite of the cool things about him, I know what the limitations are, and I know it's best that this stays what it is.

 

Right now, I feel good about everything. I think this is good for both of us, and pushing us forward to do the things we want and need to do most. He definitely lights my fire, and helps keep me inspired to be more active and social. And he has said similar.

 

If things go downhill, exiting is always an option.

 

Ruby:

 

Sounds like Love Story. Congratulations!!!

By now you know this is not a FWB

 

Tell me about your recording studio.

 

A home recording studio is one of my hobbies.

[Ruby Slippers]

Here is the thing.. people continue the FWB until they meet someone they may want to date. At that time, before sex even happens with the new person, they end it with the FWB if they really like that new person.

Exactly. If I meet a real relationship prospect, I will tell my lover that I want to stop things with him. We both understand that the other person could meet someone at any time. If he met someone today that he wanted a relationship with and who wanted one with him, I would genuinely be happy for him. I would miss him, sure, but I'd get over it.

[orion1010]

Exactly. If I meet a real relationship prospect, I will tell my lover that I want to stop things with him. We both understand that the other person could meet someone at any time. If he met someone today that he wanted a relationship with and who wanted one with him, I would genuinely be happy for him. I would miss him, sure, but I'd get over it.

 

 

Ruby, I think you are the only woman who understands me and what it means for a lady to have FWB. It's not demeaning or slutty. It can be exciting, fun, and heathy if you know what you're doing and able to handle things.

[Ruby Slippers]

Ruby, I think you are the only woman who understands me and what it means for a lady to have FWB. It's not demeaning or slutty. It can be exciting, fun, and heathy if you know what you're doing and able to handle things.

Exactly. Progressive thinkers get it. Old-fashioned people need to start getting used to this, because you can't stop the future from coming.

[Ruby Slippers]

Tell me about your recording studio.

 

A home recording studio is one of my hobbies.

That's cool. At the moment, it's inoperable. I have ProTools and an M-box ready to install, along with all the mics and cables I need, but I keep hitting a wall with my old computer.

 

This guy is arguing for getting a new computer. I would love to do that, and my business partner and I have discussed a tech upgrade. But this is not cheap, so we are trying to work with what we have for now.

 

He reminded me that Black Friday is right around the corner, and told me he's excellent at finding the best deals and will help me find something really good. At this point, I think I am ready to switch over to Mac (more expensive), since most of my work is very creative in nature.

 

So I just have to decide if I want to try to press on with my older computer, or spring for a new one. Then I can get the recording setup going again.

[Pierre]

That's cool. At the moment, it's inoperable. I have ProTools and an M-box ready to install, along with all the mics and cables I need, but I keep hitting a wall with my old computer.

 

This guy is arguing for getting a new computer. I would love to do that, and my business partner and I have discussed a tech upgrade. But this is not cheap, so we are trying to work with what we have for now.

 

He reminded me that Black Friday is right around the corner, and told me he's excellent at finding the best deals and will help me find something really good. At this point, I think I am ready to switch over to Mac (more expensive), since most of my work is very creative in nature.

 

So I just have to decide if I want to try to press on with my older computer, or spring for a new one. Then I can get the recording setup going again.

 

I have been using Sonar from Cakewalk for a long time with one of those USB Roland boxes as inter-phase.

 

I recently upgraded the computer and it makes a huge difference as there is zero latency and I can add a tone of VST plug ins without stressing the CPU at all.

 

I have been recording since I was in High School and initially had an old four track reel to reel Tascam.

 

In anyway, equipment is the least important thing as long as you keep the creative juices flowing.

 

I still think you have LOVE feelings.

[Ruby Slippers]

I have been using Sonar from Cakewalk for a long time with one of those USB Roland boxes as inter-phase.

 

I recently upgraded the computer and it makes a huge difference as there is zero latency and I can add a tone of VST plug ins without stressing the CPU at all.

 

I have been recording since I was in High School and initially had an old four track reel to reel Tascam.

That's cool. I started out with a Tascam 4-track, but quickly moved to digital, for the many benefits. However, sometimes I would still record something to tape for all that rich analog warmth, then transfer that to digital and engineer from there.

 

I love recording and sound engineering, but I struggle with the technical parts of it at times. For most of my life, I've had a techie boyfriend who could help me with this, and it's something I really miss when I don't have a techie in my life. I have tried to hire someone freelance, but in my experience, a good one is very hard to find.

 

In anyway, equipment is the least important thing as long as you keep the creative juices flowing.

Yes, and I have not been writing enough lately, simply because my priorities at the moment are my business/money and health/fitness. I'm making huge progress in both areas, so pure creativity is kind of on the back burner.

 

I hope that in the near future, I will be doing so well with my business that I can afford to take more time to do music.

 

And I know that equipment is not the most important part, but I actually do love the recording side of it. To me, recording and engineering are part of the creative process. My favorite things are writing and recording the music.

 

I still think you have LOVE feelings.

Yes, they are the beginnings of those. But I don't see a problem with it. It's like a crush+, that I'm almost certain can't really go anywhere beyond where it is now. And I'm OK with that.

 

I wanted to invite him over again this weekend, but I'm not going to. This is going to be a lovely once-in-a-while thing, so I have time and attention to devote to all the other things I'm working on.

 

We are having these wonderful experiences together, and while I'm enjoying them to the fullest, I recognize that all the best joys in life are fleeting, and the best you can do is savor them in the moment.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Exactly. Progressive thinkers get it. Old-fashioned people need to start getting used to this, because you can't stop the future from coming.

 

Not old fashioned. Just that sex without love or genuine intimacy is boring to me. BORING!! Parts is parts after awhile. all the new 'tricks' in the world won't make up for genuine caring.

 

I don't find 'drama' to be fun.. the kind that has you (not 'you'... but lots of other people here with FWB relationships) constantly wondering where they stand.

 

I don't find the prospect of getting STD's when the 'oops' overlap happens to be fun or exciting either.

 

It's called experience...

 

The 'future' you call it?? what's that? When AIDS is considered a chronic condition like herpes is now... and everyone is on medication for it? Or one's life spent perpetually using condoms??

 

yea.. Sounds like 'fun'. NOT!!!

[Pierre]

Not old fashioned. Just that sex without love or genuine intimacy is boring to me. BORING!! Parts is parts after awhile. all the new 'tricks' in the world won't make up for genuine caring.

 

I don't find 'drama' to be fun.. the kind that has you (not 'you'... but lots of other people here with FWB relationships) constantly wondering where they stand.

 

I don't find the prospect of getting STD's when the 'oops' overlap happens to be fun or exciting either.

 

It's called experience...

 

The 'future' you call it?? what's that? When AIDS is considered a chronic condition like herpes is now... and everyone is on medication for it? Or one's life spent perpetually using condoms??

 

yea.. Sounds like 'fun'. NOT!!!

 

 

That was a good post and I tend to agree with tour philosophy. But who really knows what is the right way to go about dating.

[ThsAmericanLife]

But who really knows what is the right way to go about dating.

 

I want Ruby Slippers to be happy too... She seems happy.

[Ruby Slippers]

I want Ruby Slippers to be happy too... She seems happy.

I appreciate that, and I especially appreciate those of you who are open to considering that the way it is is not necessarily the way it should be, or the right way for everyone.

 

Believe me, I have been very tempted since the other night to invite him over again, and I am pretty sure he would be here if I wanted him to. But instead, I've spent the weekend doing lots of positive, productive things to move my life forward. And tomorrow, I'm going to a kind of social event I have never been to before, for my own well-being and in the hopes of meeting some cool new people.

 

I am reflecting on this relationship and how I can best handle it. I'm considering whether this is good for me and for him. I'm sure I'll continue to do that every step of the way.

[sm1tten]

I am reflecting on this relationship and how I can best handle it. I'm considering whether this is good for me and for him. I'm sure I'll continue to do that every step of the way.

 

I think it's great that you're being reflective about it; but I knew you would when you said that you had been thinking about inviting him over again :

 

I think we all have to find and define our paths towards happiness and this probably isn't the way that I would go, but I don't knock anyone that does. And I think blindly following any path is always a mistake, really, especially if that path hasn't led you where you want to the other million times you've tried it.

[ASG]

Ruby, I think you are the only woman who understands me and what it means for a lady to have FWB. It's not demeaning or slutty. It can be exciting, fun, and heathy if you know what you're doing and able to handle things.

 

Ha! I get you too! I'e had several FWB over the years and I have one that has been my FWB for over 3 years now!

Whenever I'm in town and single we meet up for drinks, we talk about life and what happening, then we have sex.

 

He's free to date or sleep with whomever he chooses, as am I and we actually talk about it as well. There are no secrets between us, as we understand fully well the kind of relationship that we're in!

 

If I happen to meet someone I feel is relationship material I just don't call when I'm in town and if he does I tell him I'm with someone and all is good. Same goes to him.

If the relationship doesn't work out, I know I can call him and see him again.

 

As for the poster that said something about dildos and fleshlight... I have vibrators/dildos. they are great and I love them, but they do not substitute the real thing.

For me, having sex with someone is not just about getting off, it's about the warmth of another body and the sweetness/roughness of sex in itself.

[Pierre]

Ha! I get you too! I'e had several FWB over the years and I have one that has been my FWB for over 3 years now!

Whenever I'm in town and single we meet up for drinks, we talk about life and what happening, then we have sex.

 

He's free to date or sleep with whomever he chooses, as am I and we actually talk about it as well. There are no secrets between us, as we understand fully well the kind of relationship that we're in!

 

If I happen to meet someone I feel is relationship material I just don't call when I'm in town and if he does I tell him I'm with someone and all is good. Same goes to him.

If the relationship doesn't work out, I know I can call him and see him again.

 

As for the poster that said something about dildos and fleshlight... I have vibrators/dildos. they are great and I love them, but they do not substitute the real thing.

For me, having sex with someone is not just about getting off, it's about the warmth of another body and the sweetness/roughness of sex in itself.

 

When will you consider a steady BF?

[ThsAmericanLife]

For me, having sex with someone is not just about getting off, it's about the warmth of another body and the sweetness/roughness of sex in itself.

 

I miss that too... and had tried the FWB years ago as an 'experiment'.

 

Ultimately, I find the loneliness of not having them to talk to the next day... caress in the morning... Shoot, even make breakfast for (and I'm not the domestic type)... and have some likelihood of doing that again in the near future... so much worse than the periods of 'abstinence'.

 

I was also afraid that I'd end up having nothing but FWB if I continued on that path... because I wasn't really available for more.

[ASG]

When will you consider a steady BF?

 

I consider that often.

But things don't always work out the way I want them too and I do have a few issues. I will also not settle for something that I don't think is going to work.

I am quite happy being single, so getting a BF is not necessarily a priority.

If it happens and it feels right, then I'll go for it. If it doesn't happen, I'm not gonna go out of my way to make it happen.

[Pierre]

I consider that often.

But things don't always work out the way I want them too and I do have a few issues. I will also not settle for something that I don't think is going to work.

I am quite happy being single, so getting a BF is not necessarily a priority.

If it happens and it feels right, then I'll go for it. If it doesn't happen, I'm not gonna go out of my way to make it happen.

 

I asked the question because I believe that women that have a FWB situation are subconsciously putting themselves in a position where they are not receptive to a steady BF.

 

Your answer sort of confirms that. What do you think?

 

Sounds a lot like Ruby's post.

[ASG]

I asked the question because I believe that women that have a FWB situation are subconsciously putting themselves in a position where they are not receptive to a steady BF.

 

Your answer sort of confirms that. What do you think?

 

Sounds a lot like Ruby's post.

 

I don't disagree with what you're saying.

 

I'm not necessarily looking for an actual relationship and I've been known to push good men away.

I have been working on it, though, trying to give people more of a chance and not dismiss them from the start.

 

My new job makes things a bit awkward, in terms of LTRs, because it will always lead to a long distance thing, which I don't know I'm comfortable with.

[Pierre]

I don't disagree with what you're saying.

 

I'm not necessarily looking for an actual relationship and I've been known to push good men away.

I have been working on it, though, trying to give people more of a chance and not dismiss them from the start.

 

My new job makes things a bit awkward, in terms of LTRs, because it will always lead to a long distance thing, which I don't know I'm comfortable with.

 

I suspect you could fear the deeper level of intimacy and commitment of a long term relationship. FWB is a bit more on the surface.

[ASG]

I suspect you could fear the deeper level of intimacy and commitment of a long term relationship. FWB is a bit more on the surface.

 

Again, as I've said, I'm working on it. But that doesn't mean that I'm gonna jump into a relationship with every guy I meet!

[ascendotum]

I asked the question because I believe that women that have a FWB situation are subconsciously putting themselves in a position where they are not receptive to a steady BF.

 

Your answer sort of confirms that. What do you think?

 

There is a bit of a contradiction with your situation ASG. You say ' I will also not settle for something that I don't think is going to work', but you are doing that in effect with your 'non relationship material' FWB man. At least you are not ignoring other prospects though.

 

I tend to agree with you Pierre on what you wrote above. Look I don't know how all women operate but I have seen a few get their needs met with a FWB and ignored other guys who were interested in them. Its very likely in these women's eyes the guys in question did not measure up to the hot FWB dude. To what extent an 'above their league' FWB sets the bar for other guys as relationship prospects, I can't say, but I have no doubt it does for some women.

I totally understand Ruby's (as an example) motivation for her FWB. It can be risky imo for some women to cruise along with a FWB situation for a number of years in their mid to late 30s, as they might find when the FWB ends and they now want more romance in their life, that their pickings for LTR/marriage minded men are not so plentiful as they were used to.

[Pierre]

There is a bit of a contradiction with your situation ASG. You say ' I will also not settle for something that I don't think is going to work', but you are doing that in effect with your 'non relationship material' FWB man. At least you are not ignoring other prospects though.

 

I tend to agree with you Pierre on what you wrote above. Look I don't know how all women operate but I have seen a few get their needs met with a FWB and ignored other guys who were interested in them. Its very likely in these women's eyes the guys in question did not measure up to the hot FWB dude. To what extent an 'above their league' FWB sets the bar for other guys as relationship prospects, I can't say, but I have no doubt it does for some women.

I totally understand Ruby's (as an example) motivation for her FWB. It can be risky imo for some women to cruise along with a FWB situation for a number of years in their mid to late 30s, as they might find when the FWB ends and they now want more romance in their life, that their pickings for LTR/marriage minded men are not so plentiful as they were used to.

 

Most women probably have some romantic emotional attachment when involved in a FWB relationship.

 

It has been said that the heart has space for only one person. This could also be a barrier in finding Mr. Right.

 

However, many may not necessarily need Mr. Right. That may be quite true or simply a rationalization.