JustJohn Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 (edited) Hi all, hope you can help me see some light here. A bit of background. I'm in my mid thirties, & have been married for 10 years. My wife has a D, thea (12 years old) from previous relationship. I love thea to bits, and she was only 1 when i got with my wife. She is in all respects but biology my own daughter. My relationship with my wife has been pretty good until a couple of years ago when i started to feel a bit unsure. I work away a lot for long stretches in a very interesting social job, so our lives are quite separate, until i get home then we are together 24/7. She gets jealous of my travelling and freedoms as she works from home and looks after thea. My wife has a few issues and can be quite negative in her outlook and i get fed up with that and i guess i stopped listening to her - i switched off my feelings. Now i dont think i love her anymore. I care for her deeply but its not enough. Recently ive been feeling more and more that i want to get out. I want more from life than this, id like new romance new horizsons. So i told her how i feel a month ago and she is devastated. She keeps asking me to try and work things out. I'm afraid she will fall apart if i leave her, thea too. Thing is we have a good thing in a lot of ways - we still get on well and never run out of things to talk about, she's good company, sex life is still good, i find her very physically attractive. We have a lovely home and security. One issue is that my W cant have any more kids, and i want one of my own. I feel like im running out of time if i dont take action now and leave my marriage.. I told my wife this and of course it hurt her very much. I hate hurting her so much, and the thought of leaving thea and the hurt to her is horrible. But i just cant shake off this feeling that it's over. My wife is practically begging me to at least try and work things out. I dont see how i can change my feelings though? Should i give us another chance and try - am i selfish if i dont? How do i go about 'trying'? Edited August 17, 2011 by JustJohn sp. Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 I don't know for sure but I suspect you'd regret it if you left without trying to regain the feelings you once had. So how do you try? Try to push out the thoughts of leaving. Be yourself and talk a lot (about anything!) with your wife. Go on dates. If she's open to it and you are go see a marriage counselor. It's worth a shot right? You have a lot of positives. One question: did you ever love your wife or is the loss of love recent? Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Start by giving up your other woman/women. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Start by giving up your other woman/women. Yep, my first thoughts also. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Try taking them on some of your travels. Go to counseling. Talk to her about your desires for a bio child and see if there is room for compromise via medical help or surrogate. Perhaps, now that the kid is what? 11? your wife could get out and do something other than working the home. Developing new interests or going to school so that if this all does peter out she is better able to sustain herself and Thea without you. You own part of the divide so you should try to be part of an attempt to work this out. She didn't make you have a job where you're gone so much socializing with new people and leaving not much time for the same with her involved so she shouldn't be punished for the result by you not even giving an attempt to fix things. PS you sound pretty negative yourself Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustJohn Posted August 17, 2011 Author Share Posted August 17, 2011 Start by giving up your other woman/women. why would you assume that is the case??!! The trouble is - that i feel like i SHOULD try, but i dont really feel like it will work. That it would just be inevitable that i leave her so it would just be a lie. I cant imagine how i could suddenly start to feel differently.. Lost cause? And what about my responsibilities to thea - is staying for the kids sake ever worth it? to sally4sara: yes i am feeling very negative about all of this Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Everyone assumes affairs because that's the most common case... You should try because you might be surprised. You should put forth effort because you might strongly regret your decisions years from now if you don't. You've been with her for at least 10 years. What's another 6 months or a year of seeing if you can regain lost feelings? You are in a tough spot. Have you adopted the child? Do you have any legal ties to the child? If not then you may forever lose this girl in your life if you divorce. Generally I am of the opinion that it's not worth staying in a marriage for the kids. But, as I said, you are in a rough spot. I never considered someone in a marriage who has grown close to a child that is not (biologically) their own. Link to post Share on other sites
Mauschen Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Read His Needs Her Needs. You know, the grass is not always greener on the other side, people in their 30s and 40s carry a TON of baggage. How do I know? I divorced 3 years ago. And even though my ex was abusive, I missed him dearly and still do at times. Dating stinks because of all of the baggage people have at this age. The other women may seem intriguing to you right now, but once you get to know them better, they will be a disappointment. How do I know? You say the sex with your wife is good, that you are attracted to her, she loves you, she is loyal to you, etc. These are the things most men complain about and you are lucky enough to have this! And a wonderful daughter too. Your life sounds great, and you're willing to throw it away for the fleeting feeling of lust. The demise of your marriage is probably due to the amount of time the 2 of you spend apart - very dangerous for a marriage. And in the end, isn't loyal family more important than any amount of fun you can have away from them? Think of your future - you will miss Thea graduating from high school, from college, getting married, and having your grandchildren. You will miss growing old with a woman who loves you and is loyal to you (she sounds like a rare find). So she is a bit negative? Who wouldn't be when your husband spends days away from you and tells you he wants to leave you? It is a natural reaction to being unhappy. Of course, it is not attractive to you and pushes you away, which is why the 2 of you should read the book I recommended (His Needs Her Needs). As for your issue with a biological child...with some creativity I am sure this can be solved. Like another poster said, there are options. Telling your wife that you want a bio child that she can't provide must be one of the most painful things she has ever had to hear in her life. http://www.creatingfamilies.com/SM/sm_info.aspx?_oskwdid=9290468&_engineadid=7077477966&gclid=CJzj2cbF1qoCFU3IKgodrnrT9w Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 why would you assume that is the case??!! The trouble is - that i feel like i SHOULD try, but i dont really feel like it will work. That it would just be inevitable that i leave her so it would just be a lie. I cant imagine how i could suddenly start to feel differently.. Lost cause? And what about my responsibilities to thea - is staying for the kids sake ever worth it? to sally4sara: yes i am feeling very negative about all of this Your responsibilities here after 10 years of going your own way while she loses her work history to keep up the home in your absence is to make sure she and the girl you say you think of as your own (yet can't be satisfied with) are able to move forward after you trot off. Tell her whats what and then sort out what and how she can prepare before you leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustJohn Posted August 17, 2011 Author Share Posted August 17, 2011 You should try because you might be surprised. You should put forth effort because you might strongly regret your decisions years from now if you don't. You've been with her for at least 10 years. What's another 6 months or a year of seeing if you can regain lost feelings? That's my worry - that i might be making the worst decision of my life and regret it. I havent adopted thea, not possible unfortunately - the father is still in the background. Thanks for the advice anyway its good to talk about this stuff. I also worry about the damage thats been done already to my wife over the past few weeks - she probably doesnt trust me. She's lost loads of weight and can't sleep, and has been to her doctor for depression meds. I just feel so guilty. I cant even begin to think about how i will sit down and tell thea i'm leaving... do you think teenagers cope better with separations than younger kids? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 why would you assume that is the case??!! No denial, I notice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustJohn Posted August 17, 2011 Author Share Posted August 17, 2011 Your responsibilities here after 10 years of going your own way while she loses her work history to keep up the home in your absence is to make sure she and the girl you say you think of as your own (yet can't be satisfied with) are able to move forward after you trot off. Tell her whats what and then sort out what and how she can prepare before you leave. you sound a bit angry.. you think im giving up too easily? be honest, do you think im being selfish? Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 you sound a bit angry.. you think im giving up too easily? be honest, do you think im being selfish? I don't know you to be angry. Stick around and you will get a taste for how I post when I'm angry . What I do find tedious though is people who can't be arsed to work for what they want. If you really really do want to leave and don't want to try counseling first, have the decency to not leave two people traumatized and knocked off their feet in your wake just to get what you want a bit faster. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustJohn Posted August 17, 2011 Author Share Posted August 17, 2011 I don't know you to be angry. Stick around and you will get a taste for how I post when I'm angry . What I do find tedious though is people who can't be arsed to work for what they want. If you really really do want to leave and don't want to try counseling first, have the decency to not leave two people traumatized and knocked off their feet in your wake just to get what you want a bit faster. sally, youve touched a nerve there - i dont want to traumatize them. Well i will be back home tomorrow, so i guess i will talk with my wife again. I stull dont know what to do.. dont feel postive about it all. But thanks, youve really given me food for thought. oh. and i hope never to make you angry... Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Sounds like a mid-life crisis. Poor you. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 No denial, I notice. You noticed that too, eh? Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 sounds like GIGS (Grass Is Greener) syndrome. You think you deserve better.. maybe you do maybe you don't. you better assess what you have before throwing it all away. Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Ya'll all seem so judgmental and cruel based on a few paragraphs of what this person wrote. From what I see so far most are convinced that the OP is a cheater and an all-around jerk. ...Based on his few paragraphs. This guy has realized there is a problem and wants to make it right and is seeking opinions to help fix his problem. He comes here and THIS is the welcome he gets? Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Ya'll all seem so judgmental and cruel based on a few paragraphs of what this person wrote. From what I see so far most are convinced that the OP is a cheater and an all-around jerk. ...Based on his few paragraphs. This guy has realized there is a problem and wants to make it right and is seeking opinions to help fix his problem. He comes here and THIS is the welcome he gets? Well shoot, let's review.... I love thea to bits, and she was only 1 when i got with my wife. She is in all respects but biology my own daughter. the thought of leaving thea and the hurt to her is horrible. Thing is we have a good thing in a lot of ways - we still get on well and never run out of things to talk about, she's good company, sex life is still good, i find her very physically attractive. We have a lovely home and security. Sounds like he has a pretty good life, huh? So why in the world is he even considering breaking his vows and promises and destroying two other lives in the process? One of those a precious little girl's. Why? I work away a lot for long stretches in a very interesting social job, so our lives are quite separate .... ive been feeling more and more that i want to get out. I want more from life than this, id like new romance new horizsons .... I feel like im running out of time if i dont take action now and leave my marriage .... Things that make you go hmmmmm.... It seems to me that he isn't seeking help to fix his problem so much as validation and a pat on the back that it's OK to break your vows and walk out on your family that loves you and depends on you cause you suddenly got a wild hair up your ass. Opinions will vary of course. Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 That's fine reboot but the tone you are implying isn't helpful. When someone comes seeking help is it best to berate them? If I were the OP and received replies like yours then I would immediately dismiss your opinion/help because I would form the opinion that you are someone who is bitter that you have been left (yes, assumptions aren't fair, I know). All I'm saying is that there are FAR better ways to "help" people even if you don't believe them or approve of their actions. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 All he had to say is, "there isn't another woman". Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 From what I see so far most are convinced that the OP is a cheater and an all-around jerk. ...Based on his few paragraphs. It's not based on a few paragraphs. It's based on a lot of experience of this kind of thing and very similar patterns, phrases and .reactions. He can't even answer a simple question with a straight answer. OP are you cheating on your wife (emotionally or physically) or not? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 and the guilt. If he hasn't left yet, why guilt? For having a feeling? People have feelings all the time. OP: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It Dude you are trying to fill a void in yourself with someone else. It ain't going to work and you are going to screw yourself in more ways then imaginable. We all know that the "new romance" isn't going to last a lifetime, so when the thrill dissipates, what then? Do it again? And again and again? Some days it is hard to realize that those days of naive youth are gone and that we need to create the things that give us joy. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 From what I see so far most are convinced that the OP is a cheater and an all-around jerk. And by the way, while I may believe he's a cheater, that doesn't make him an all-around jerk in my mind. What would cause me to feel that way about him is if he throws his family to the wolves and walks out on them. What is your measure of a man? For me it's how responsible he is. Does he take care of his family, his wife, his children? Will he stand up for them against anyone and anything? Will he fight for them? Or will he walk out on them and leave them to struggle for no better reason than "I feel like I need new romance, new horizons". I'm not a poster that makes a habit of being mean or jumping on other posters, but this nauseates me, sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
jstobo Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 I had to respond to this. I was in your shoes 2 years ago. I thought I was unhappy with my marriage. I voiced some concerns and we went to counseling. Things just didn't change. I think I had GIGS as I look back on it. I never thought of leaving my marriage, but I was unhappy in it. One day I came home and found e-mails between my Wife and another man. She must have believed me during the prior year and felt unloved. She did what any person would do. I got the biggest wake up call of my life and unfortunately it was too late. We signed our divorce papers last week. I have had the worst year of my life losing my Wife. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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