OnyxSnowfall Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Perhaps you need to start listening to your wife again. Perhaps she needs to seek ways to be less negative and or in communicating things better to you --- I think you should attempt marriage counseling with her... if you haven't already (provided she's interested). I don't mean to be offensive, but it does sound like you are being selfish. You seem to have examined at least some of the reasons why you feel you want out --- I'm afraid that they're really... well... shallow. Obviously you can't put 10 years of your marriage into one concise thread, so I'm just going to humor that there's other issues too. IT IS possible to reconnect with your wife --- although she may need to heal much now. It is possible that this is just a pitfall that strengthens your marriage --- but if you believe it's impossible, chances are, it will be impossible... you have to be "open" to the idea. I would say it's worth it to be, but it's up to you to be able to be. And yes, both your wife and your daughter may be hurt if you choose to leave --- but staying to avoid guilt is a poor reason to stay. Staying because you made a commitment and you are willing to see it through with a resolve of at least giving your best is better, but... staying because you think you can rekindle why you married her in the first place would be even better =p. People change over time... getting involved in a marriage hopefully accounts for that... you have to "make" the love between you and continue making it. Link to post Share on other sites
AudentesFortuna Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Now i dont think i love her anymore. I care for her deeply but its not enough. Recently ive been feeling more and more that i want to get out. I want more from life than this, id like new romance new horizsons. This is just about what my wife told me before asking for a divorce. And yes, there is another man. If the shoe fits. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 I agree with the others. You need to stop seeing the other woman or women and get into counseling. You're never gonna have a chance to save the marriage if you're seeing other people. And don't say that your not, the way you write is a dead giveaway. Cut all contact and get into marriage counseling. OR leave the marriage but be MAN enough to tell both that you're leaving them for someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 OP did you know your wife couldn't have anymore kids when you married her? Have you thought about a surrogate or do you already have someone in mind? Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 The trouble is - that i feel like i SHOULD try, but i dont really feel like it will work. Sorry but you are whining here... 'you FEEL like you should try but you FEEL like it won't work'... that's not a man in his mid 30's talking, that sounds like a kid. You are the man, act like it! you have 2 women (your wife and your daughter) who DEPEND on you... work like hell to fix yourself and your marriage, I haven't heard one bad thing about your wife other than she is devestated over the possibility of you two breaking up. Until you have both been to counseling, until you have exhausted every avenue for reconciliation you BETTER try! Seems like you might need some good counseling yourself. I don't mean to be harsh, I really want you to do everything you can before you even think about breaking up your family. Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 It's threads like this that remind me why I will NEVER post my own story here. It's just not worth it. If people were nicer around here you might get more posts from "leavers." That benefits everyone. The "leavees" would learn what makes the "leavers" tick and thus everyone might gain a better understanding of their own situation and maybe resolve their problems. Personally I don't care if this guy is cheating or not. Is he an a-hole if he is? Maybe, but probably not. How many people intentionally seek out affairs? Very, VERY few, I suspect. More likely there are good people that it happens to on accident. Yeah, there are some people that are out there cheating for the sake of cheating. Maybe just to see what they can get away with. Those are not good people. I genuinely believe that sort of person is the in minority. So if he's cheating, I say so what. That doesn't change reality. He still needs to solve a problem and that is to figure out what is best for him and his family. Try this book: "When Good People Have Affairs" by Mira Kirshenbaum. The book should help you (again, IF you are cheating. I personally don't give a crap if you are or not) figure out WHY you may have cheated and then, most importantly, figure out what to do about it. Because, in the end, the past doesn't really matter. It's what you decide to do today and plan for tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 dontKnowMe, You aren't getting the point. I could try to guess why, but that's of no matter anyway. The point is not that we're trying to be mean to the man, or pass judgement on the man, because we're not, we're trying to get the TRUTH from the man. Why? Because the advice given will be radically different based on what the situation is. It makes no sense to offer him advice based on if he's really just fallen out of love with his wife and wants out, if what is REALLY going on is he's found someone else and he's living in an affair fog and THINKS he's fallen out of love with his wife. I have no ill will towards this man. He's a complete, anonymous stranger on the internet and what he does affects me not one bit. If he's having an affair it's nothing to me, but to offer him anything constructive we have to know what the real problem is, and I think his silence speaks volumes. Why go to the doctor with chest pains if you're going to tell him your foot hurts? Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Reboot: fair enough. I understand what you are saying and I agree to a point. However, I think that the way things have been worded are harsh and accusatory and won't accomplish anything other than scare away lurkers with similar problems as well as the original poster. Does it really matter if this guy is having an affair or not? This is a serious question. If he is then how would your advice differ than if he's not? I would think that the only difference would be to advise him to first stop the affair if he thinks that he wants to continue his marriage. Beyond that what difference is there? Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Um, yea it totally matters if he is having an affair... are you serious? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Um, yea it totally matters if he is having an affair... are you serious? Well, in all fairness it only matters if.... Oh yeah it matters! Duh. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Yes, I really am serious. How would your advice differ if he's having an affair or not? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 If there's not another woman, he needs to figure out why he suddenly stopped loving his wife, especially considering how good their relationship is based on HIS OWN words. People don't normally just stop loving someone for no reason. If there IS another woman, we already know why he suddenly stopped loving his wife. You may be right in that the remedies people suggest for him to fall back in love with his wife might be the same either way, but no remedy has any chance of success if he has another woman. There's no point in offering suggestions as long as that's the case. Other than "divorce your wife and go be with the OW". You can't work on a marriage and have a lover on the side too. If he doesn't want to work on his marriage, he should get a divorce. He doesn't need anyone here to tell him that. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Reboot: fair enough. I understand what you are saying and I agree to a point. However, I think that the way things have been worded are harsh and accusatory and won't accomplish anything other than scare away lurkers with similar problems as well as the original poster. Does it really matter if this guy is having an affair or not? This is a serious question. If he is then how would your advice differ than if he's not? I would think that the only difference would be to advise him to first stop the affair if he thinks that he wants to continue his marriage. Beyond that what difference is there? Take a full personal inventory of his moral compass, find a way to regain his personal integrity, get his ass into MC and IC. At this point he might only need IC and to do some soul-searching and make it up to his wife if he hadn't had an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
jstobo Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Two years ago, I felt the way this man is describing. There were other issues that caused my feelings. I can say with 100% conviction another woman had absolutely nothing to do with my feelings. It is possible he is going through this without another woman being involved. I to would like to know when you knew your wife couldn't have children. Could you imagine how you would feel if your wife came home one day and said, "you know, you just don't make enough money for me to be happy." Think about her being fine with you leaving. Think about her getting all dressed up and excited to go on a date with another man. Think about Thea coming home and sharing her day with another father figure. Think about having a birthday and not even getting a call from your Wife. If none of those things affect you or cause you to pause, than maybe you should divorce her. If just thinking about those things make you cringe a little bit, they will be far worse when they actually happen! Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 There you all go again! Two of you have come out with your condescending guns blazing and completely ignore my question choosing to mock me instead. "Duh LOL" Brilliant. Mock me. I'm trying to understand a different viewpoint. Clearly few people on this thread are capable of that. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 There you all go again! Two of you have come out with your condescending guns blazing and completely ignore my question choosing to mock me instead. "Duh LOL" Brilliant. Mock me. I'm trying to understand a different viewpoint. Clearly few people on this thread are capable of that. Okay, well after I finished mocking you I wrote you a response. I am as capable as you my friend. I just drank the Kool-Aid is all. Glad to note that the Kool-Aid wasn't lethal. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Look up a couple of posts. There's no mocking there. Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Okay, well after I finished mocking you I wrote you a response. I am as capable as you my friend. I just drank the Kool-Aid is all. Glad to note that the Kool-Aid wasn't lethal. In your response you say that if he hasn't cheated IC could be enough. But if he HAD an affair why wouldn't IC be enough? How does an affair change it? I'm honestly not trying to be argumentative! I promise! Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Look up a couple of posts. There's no mocking there. You did not mock me. But I take this as mockery, or condescension at the very least. "Well, in all fairness it only matters if.... Oh yeah it matters! Duh. LOL" This is an interesting discussion! Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 In your response you say that if he hasn't cheated IC could be enough. But if he HAD an affair why wouldn't IC be enough? How does an affair change it? I'm honestly not trying to be argumentative! I promise! Have you ever cheated on a spouse or had one cheat on you? I can't believe you could answer 'Yes' to either question and still not seem to understand the emotional devastation that is coming for this family (if there is infidelity involved). There IS a difference. It's like death with no closure. Trust me, I've been there. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Yes, I really am serious. How would your advice differ if he's having an affair or not? Thanks. My advise would have differed only in how it was even more important that he do as much right by his wife and daughter towards their ability to move forward without him before heading out of the marriage if only to salvage some shred of decency in his character. But I'd have less hope that he would take that advise because cheating and then complaining about your spouse and trying to seek pity over it shows a really low character base. Link to post Share on other sites
2011aug Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 One issue is that my W cant have any more kids, and i want one of my own. I feel like im running out of time if i dont take action now and leave my marriage.. I told my wife this and of course it hurt her very much. He wants his progeny. His wife is not capable. What's the solution? Surrogate mom? Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Have you ever cheated on a spouse or had one cheat on you? I can't believe you could answer 'Yes' to either question and still not seem to understand the emotional devastation that is coming for this family. There IS a difference. It's like death with no closure. Trust me, I've been there. No, I have never cheated nor have I been cheat on. But you still haven't answered my question: how does your advice differ? Do you believe that a cheater should disclose their indiscretion? Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 No, I have never cheated nor have I been cheat on. But you still haven't answered my question: how does your advice differ? Do you believe that a cheater should disclose their indiscretion? To us? They owe us nothing. To their spouse? Absolutely; it can only get him what he wants faster. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 no they should take it to the grave with them. if this person wants honest feedback then they should tell the whole story. its an anonymous forum. Link to post Share on other sites
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