dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 To us? They owe us nothing. To their spouse? Absolutely; it can only get him what he wants faster. I asked this because the author of the book I mentioned believes that it is better for a cheater NOT to disclose their adultery. The reason being that it causes more hurt than necessary. I don't agree nor disagree with the authors opinion. It would seem that if you cheated but were contrite and realized your mistake that maybe the best route is to end the affair (I'll give a "Duh LOL" for that one!) but NOT tell your spouse. Instead resolve to be the best spouse you could be. Why cause so much hurt?
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Do you believe that a cheater should disclose their indiscretion? Absolutely. It's imperative. The wife needs to be told, and the OW needs to be removed from their marriage. If he wants to continue the marriage of course. And if there really is no indiscretion, why would we even go there? We're wasting valuable thread space going on and on about 'the other woman' if there isn't one.
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I asked this because the author of the book I mentioned believes that it is better for a cheater NOT to disclose their adultery. Thanks for the book review. I won't have to waste money on that one (seriously, that's not meant to be mocking).
Eddie Edirol Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 JustJon I suggest you take two months living away from your wife. No communication whatsoever. You will get a chance to miss her and you might rethink things when you arent hearing her beg for you to make it work. Two months where you cant have contact under no circumstances, on your own. Cant talk to her or your daughter. When you CANT get in touch with her, you could possibly miss your family greatly. Tell her not to call you or answer the phone, you stay at a hotel or relatives house. By the time two months is up, you might be begging to see her again.
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Absolutely. It's imperative. The wife needs to be told, and the OW needs to be removed from their marriage. If he wants to continue the marriage of course. And if there really is no indiscretion, why would we even go there? We're wasting valuable thread space going on and on about 'the other woman' if there isn't one. Why must he tell his spouse if he wants to continue the marriage? This is not a waste of space. This is good thought provoking stuff. It might not be applicable to the OP but there are more lurkers than posters and this may be gold to them.
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 JustJon I suggest you take two months living away from your wife. No communication whatsoever. You will get a chance to miss her and you might rethink things when you arent hearing her beg for you to make it work. Two months where you cant have contact under no circumstances, on your own. Cant talk to her or your daughter. When you CANT get in touch with her, you could possibly miss your family greatly. Tell her not to call you or answer the phone, you stay at a hotel or relatives house. By the time two months is up, you might be begging to see her again. A great example for dontKnowMe. The above might be perfectly good advice.... UNLESS he does have an OW and spends that two months with her. Wouldn't be much 'missing of the wife and kid' in that case, eh?
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 A great example for dontKnowMe. The above might be perfectly good advice.... UNLESS he does have an OW and spends that two months with her. Wouldn't be much 'missing of the wife and kid' in that case, eh? I believe we established that no matter what the advice would be to end the affair. So no, this example doesn't do anything for me. edited: fixed spelling
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Why must he tell his spouse if he wants to continue the marriage? Because SHE deserves to know, and to be able to base HER decision on whether or not to continue the marriage on the truth. Why should he be the only one to know the truth? How can she decide what to do if she doesn't know what he's been doing? Are you saying that you recommend lying to the people you're supposed to love most in this world just for your own self benefit? What kind of world is this we live in if no one cares anything about anyone but themselves? If what I just said is really foreign and incomprehensible to you, I can't answer anymore of your questions. There's just no point.
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 If what I just said is really foreign and incomprehensible to you, I can't answer anymore of your questions. There's just no point. Will you calm down? Geez. Are all of your arguments fights? Really you haven't been answering my questions. I've been forced to pry answers out of you because you believe that your opinion is the obvious truth. You are correct, there no point in continuing this discussion between you and I. Clearly.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 In your response you say that if he hasn't cheated IC could be enough. But if he HAD an affair why wouldn't IC be enough? How does an affair change it? I'm honestly not trying to be argumentative! I promise! The damage and disconnection would have affected both parties of the marriage if he would want to go through the proper healing process and tell his wife where's his head was at and why he chose to risk his family. Perhaps I often just assume that when people wish to heal their marriage they they clear the slate and confess the affair. That's a pretty bug secret to walk around with that can come bounding out at any time. One would think it would be better to be out with it then spend the rest of one's life looking over one's shoulder. If he had just had the feelings and shared them with his wife, IC could cover off what to do with those feelings and help him through his own urges and responses without dragging his wife through potentially feeling responsible for issues that aren't hers. He could share with her afterwards.
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Will you calm down? Geez. Are all of your arguments fights? Really you haven't been answering my questions. I've been forced to pry answers out of you because you believe that your opinion is the obvious truth. You are correct, there no point in continuing this discussion between you and I. Clearly. Glad you finally decided to see things my way.
andyg99 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 JustJon I suggest you take two months living away from your wife. No communication whatsoever. You will get a chance to miss her and you might rethink things when you arent hearing her beg for you to make it work. Two months where you cant have contact under no circumstances, on your own. Cant talk to her or your daughter. When you CANT get in touch with her, you could possibly miss your family greatly. Tell her not to call you or answer the phone, you stay at a hotel or relatives house. By the time two months is up, you might be begging to see her again. I disagree - if it was just him and the wife maybe this would work, who knows? but to punish the daughter and have zero contact is OUT OF THE QUESTION!!! I don't get it... 12 years old - what could be going on in that little girl's mind, one dad is gone and now this guy is thinking of leaving because he wants romance and excitement... I really don't get it....
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Glad you finally decided to see things my way. LOL! Now THAT was funny and made this entire thing worth it!
andyg99 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 How many people intentionally seek out affairs? Very, VERY few, I suspect. More likely there are good people that it happens to on accident. . yeah, I can see how these things are "accidents", just the other day I slipped on some wet flooring, landed on top of this lady by accident and said "hey, as long as I'm down here do you want to get it on?" totally an accident....
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 :lmao::lmao:yeah, I can see how these things are "accidents", just the other day I slipped on some wet flooring, landed on top of this lady by accident and said "hey, as long as I'm down here do you want to get it on?" totally an accident.... All of a sudden married men around the world are investing in mop buckets. Thanks LS!
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 yeah, I can see how these things are "accidents", just the other day I slipped on some wet flooring, landed on top of this lady by accident and said "hey, as long as I'm down here do you want to get it on?" totally an accident.... Or, the typical example, that you work closely with someone at work. Slowly you get closer and closer and talk about more than just work. You are both physically attracted to each other and before you know it you're in an affair. But I like your example better. It sounds more fun.
andyg99 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Or, the typical example, that you work closely with someone at work. Slowly you get closer and closer and talk about more than just work. You are both physically attracted to each other and before you know it you're in an affair. yeah, that's a total accident, no way in your example could those two people have avoided an affair... just the other day I was working on this project at work with this married lady who is really attractive... we were formatting a spreadsheet, I hit the backspace button then all of a sudden I found myself in bed with her... total accident... are you serious??? do you think that making the decision to fk someone can be an accident? and no, being drunk doesn't count either... that's a big problem today. People mess up and they don't even have the balls to admit it... "it wasn't my fault!!! it just happened!!" "you drove me to it! I never wanted it to happen!" The honest answer is "hey, I really don't care about you that much, I felt like sleeping with someone else, I may be done with you but let me see where this thing leads first"
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 That depends. Most people believe that there is such a thing as an emotional affair. Based on your reply I would think that you disagree? Excluding the concept of an emotional affair then I agree with you. A physical affair can't really be accidental. Then again... would you consider a kiss a physical affair? I could see a kiss being rather accidental -- an easy mistake to make. But, I know, I'm completely ludicrous because I'm challenging the accepted opinions around here. I know that I now have no credibility around here.
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 yeah, that's a total accident, no way in your example could those two people have avoided an affair... just the other day I was working on this project at work with this married lady who is really attractive... we were formatting a spreadsheet, I hit the backspace button then all of a sudden I found myself in bed with her... total accident... Yeah, that happens to me all the time. Damn spreadsheets.
andyg99 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Yeah, that happens to me all the time. Damn spreadsheets. and just think, if I would have hit the tab key instead I would have accidently found myself in a 3-some with her and the hot secretary down the hall...
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Yeah, that happens to me all the time. Damn spreadsheets. Mock away. Clearly your opinion is the truth! Never open your mind to an alternate view. Life is easier in black and white. Red Socks vs. Yankees, Democrats vs. Republicans. There can be no in-between. I need to go buy Excel and a mop bucket. Maybe I'll create something to attach a laptop to the mop bucket. Seems like that might be more efficient.
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 dont, I don't know about you, but I never kissed anyone accidentally in my life. There may have been a time or two when I didn't know I was going to do it till about 5 seconds before I did it, but when I did I certainly meant to. And yes, we all know there are EAs, but they're never accidental either. Unless you're working for a doctor and got a lobotomy during your lunch break.
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 dont, I don't know about you, but I never kissed anyone accidentally in my life. There may have been a time or two when I didn't know I was going to do it till about 5 seconds before I did it, but when I did I certainly meant to. And yes, we all know there are EAs, but they're never accidental either. Unless you're working for a doctor and got a lobotomy during your lunch break. There is no room for anyone's opinion other than the popular opinion. You and others have made that abundantly clear. It's AMAZING how close minded people can be. Posting on here, and even reading this forum, are a waste of time. I already know how everyone will reply to everything so why bother?
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Mock away. Clearly your opinion is the truth! Never open your mind to an alternate view. Life is easier in black and white. Red Socks vs. Yankees, Democrats vs. Republicans. There can be no in-between. I need to go buy Excel and a mop bucket. Maybe I'll create something to attach a laptop to the mop bucket. Seems like that might be more efficient. Remember to hit tab. Actually gentlemen, I think that there is some really high correlation between affairs, brain structure, impulse control and childhood history. Truly, people aren't created in a vacuum so the patterns come from somewhere and having been on LS, you have to admit that there are some pretty obvious patterns. It'd be nice to crack the patterns just before the affair in the marriage and/or the individual.
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