reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 There is no room for anyone's opinion other than the popular opinion. You and others have made that abundantly clear. It's AMAZING how close minded people can be. Posting on here, and even reading this forum, are a waste of time. I already know how everyone will reply to everything so why bother? Dude, don't have a stroke. My opinion is my opinion, and that's all it is. I don't claim to know any universal truths. Never have, never will. That said, if you really believe people "accidentally" have sex, I have some swamp land I'd like to show you. Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Dude, don't have a stroke. My opinion is my opinion, and that's all it is. I don't claim to know any universal truths. Never have, never will. That said, if you really believe people "accidentally" have sex, I have some swamp land I'd like to show you. I'm quite calm, I assure you. However your tone and mockery make it clear that posting and reading here is (mostly) a waste of time. Clearly I'm an idiot because I don't necessarily share your opinion. Or maybe I do and I was just playing devil's advocate? I like to think about things, ALL angles, not just one simplistic view. I do not take kindly to the condescension. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Dude, don't have a stroke. My opinion is my opinion, and that's all it is. I don't claim to know any universal truths. Never have, never will. That said, if you really believe people "accidentally" have sex, I have some swamp land I'd like to show you. Don't bump into each other on the way down. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 I'm quite calm, I assure you. However your tone and mockery make it clear that posting and reading here is (mostly) a waste of time. Clearly I'm an idiot because I don't necessarily share your opinion. Or maybe I do and I was just playing devil's advocate? I like to think about things, ALL angles, not just one simplistic view. I do not take kindly to the condescension. The emotionally-reactive language is egging them on. You must have known that that would happen. Link to post Share on other sites
jstobo Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 This is sad. There has been some good advice and some good questions that have been lost between this rediculous argument. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 But you still haven't answered my question: how does your advice differ? Dude, did you not read post #37? Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 If there's not another woman, he needs to figure out why he suddenly stopped loving his wife, especially considering how good their relationship is based on HIS OWN words. People don't normally just stop loving someone for no reason. If there IS another woman, we already know why he suddenly stopped loving his wife. You may be right in that the remedies people suggest for him to fall back in love with his wife might be the same either way, but no remedy has any chance of success if he has another woman. There's no point in offering suggestions as long as that's the case. Other than "divorce your wife and go be with the OW". You can't work on a marriage and have a lover on the side too. If he doesn't want to work on his marriage, he should get a divorce. He doesn't need anyone here to tell him that. Absolutely^^^^^^^^^^good post Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Wow, I asked JustJohn a question to get more clarity but he didn't answer. Maybe he didn't see it. Here it is again. JustJohn if the reason you want to leave your wife is she can't have anymore kids and you want one; did you know she couldn't have more kids when the two of you married? Also have you two thought about a surrogate? Link to post Share on other sites
Everest_21 Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Dear JustJohn, You every right to have a kid and enjoyment and the romance that you want in life . Don't hold yourself back because of your wife's depression. had your wife/any other woman been in your shoe's she would have bailed out of the marriage in a less than cordial fashion. It's time you made your life more meaningful. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Dear JustJohn, You every right to have a kid and enjoyment and the romance that you want in life . Don't hold yourself back because of your wife's depression. had your wife/any other woman been in your shoe's she would have bailed out of the marriage in a less than cordial fashion. It's time you made your life more meaningful. Yes, always set your standards based on the worst you've ever seen or even heard secondhand of others. Failing any crap example to emulate, assume the worst things someone could do (but has not done) to you and do THAT. Let the kids eat the fallout. Link to post Share on other sites
Richard Friedman Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 Maybe look at getting a kid through a surrogate or something? The desire for biological children is perfectly normal, so dont let anyone shame you for that. On the other hand she does sound like a good woman and won't be so easy to replace... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 Yes, always set your standards based on the worst you've ever seen or even heard secondhand of others. Failing any crap example to emulate, assume the worst things someone could do (but has not done) to you and do THAT. Let the kids eat the fallout. Unfortunately that's the attitude that our culture is going to have over the next couple of generations. Link to post Share on other sites
scaredandalone1223 Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 (edited) This is exactly the type of situation I was referring to in a post I had earlier today. As I've seen here time and time again as soon as someone mentions their feelings changing so many jump on the affair train. Not knowing any other details I will not be boarding that train. I will address the other areas of your post though. 1) You seem to, by your own account, have an otherwise happy, healthy marriage. Some of the key things that marriages should have, must have, as far as communication and sex are things you have. This shows you have something to build on. Marriage counseling can and does often work, especially in these type scenarios. 2) You no longer have romantic feelings for your wife and want that to change. You can do this but you have to think of it in different terms. If you are looking for the spark and excitement of a new relationship that will not happen. Do not misunderstand me though, you can build new excitement and attraction. Start dating your wife again, make sure to have alone time with your wife. Take up a new hobby together or pick back up an old one that has fallen to the waistside over the years. Share with her a movie you love or a song or something from your childhood that you previously have not. Surprise your wife with little things and talk to her about doing the same (when I go grocery shopping I will sometimes pick up something new I think he would like or one of his old favs. that he hasn't had in a while....he'll pick a flower out of the yard and bring it to me). Take your wife with you when you go out of town. You'll be in a new place and can find some fun, happy things to do there together. Take your family sometimes and make some memories! You must realize that even if you leave and find some new exciting fling in time you will be right back here. Love changes over time, it matures, it's different. That is not a bad thing. Unless of course you want to be a bachelor for the rest of your life and jump to a new love interest every time mature love starts to set in. I know a lady who is going through her 5th divorce. She admits she loves the thrill of the chase and the butterflies but not everyday life. Her biggest regret? Not sticking with her 1st marriage. She now compares all men to him. He went on to have a successful life & have another family and yet they both say that if they had have only stuck it out they would have been most happy with each other. 3) Never, ever do anything solely for child(ren). This means do not stay because of child(ren) as living in a home with two miserable parents will have major effects on the child. With that said though a child with two happy, stable parents who are still married thrives. It is better to have two happy homes than one miserable one but the best by any account is ONE happy, stable, loving home. This also means do not go looking for someone else to solely provide womb space. I understand your desire to have a biological child but what if you end up with a psycho women because you're in a rush? Or with someone who cheats on you as soon as the child is born? Or leaves you within a year or so of the child being born and you are an every other weekend dad and your child ends up with a stepfather who they feel is their dad because he's with the one with them except for your wonderful 4 days per month. I was in your situation last year at this time. Married 12 years and was no longer 'in love' with my husband. Questioning whether I ever was because we married young because of a child. I wanted to experience butterflies and at some point find a more extrovert partner....and....and... Well I got my way and my husband moved out. Found out real quick that wasn't what I wanted at all!!! The reason I didn't board the affair train that so many others did as soon as you said you no longer had feelings is because in my case there was no affair. Noone else waiting in the wings. Whether you are having an affair I don't know but I do know it's possible to want to leave your marriage w/o someone else being involved. If there is someone else involved then you need to be honest about it because the advise from one scenario doesn't work the same for the other scenario. It's coming up on a year since my husband moved back in. We are happier and more in love they we have ever been. I got my butterflies and they were for my husband! The great part is they were with a man I already knew, we already had a history, we had a solid foundation we just had to rebuilt the walls. We have 2 children. Our youngest has always been happier because his environment during his formative years was better. Our oldest always had trouble as his early childhood was much less calm. My husband did not work out of town but he did work swing shift and midnights, often 7 days a week, the first 7 years. It was extremely difficult and caused many problems. We were not able to nurture our marriage or our family. It is my husband's biggest regret that he was working so hard to provide us a good life but the things that truly mattered, the time he needed with us and us with him was given up in the process. A good job is great to have but when it distorys a family in the process then what was it really worth at all. When you look back at the end of your life what do you want to have taken center stage your career or your family? I am extremely happy to say our oldest has gone through quite a transformation since our reconciliation. He is much happier, he smiles more, laughs more, talks more. He was always extremely smart but lacked drive. That's changed too and he was moved into gifted classes this school term and his teachers have noticed a very pleasant personality shift. He knows things are different now, better. He feels stable and secure. I am saddened by the divorce rate in our country now. Having been where we were and now where we are we are extremely thankful we took our vows so seriously and stayed together to find mature love...real true love! Many times we could have, and by many accounts should have, given up but no where in our vows did it say we'd take each other till the new wore off and were ready to see what else or who else was available. So know that it can happen. You can get your feelings back if you want them. Find a couple who has been married over 30 years and ask them at times didn't they feel the same as you. Ask them if they went through hard times and had to persevere even though they didn't want to. Then ask them if it was all worth it to be where they are today. Everyone I've asked has said yes! Sadly most people now don't make it there. A large percentage doesn't even make it to 10! Divorce is the easy way, marriage the hard. In the end though the marriage is the much more rewarding route. Edited August 19, 2011 by scaredandalone1223 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustJohn Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 Start by giving up your other woman/women. I feel bad, and want to apologize to you all. Its so stupid coming on here and not explaining the whole truth. I think i wanted to conceal it as i feel that if i hadnt fallen out of love with my wife and gone through what does feel like some kind of midlife crisis, it would not have happened. So.. yes i admit i cheated on her. Four months ago with a work colleague (i am away on business for weeks at a time with her). Usual story i guess.. there were sparks between us, flirting and eventually.. well. you know. I had and still have feelings for her. My wife found out last week - she asked me for the truth and forced me to tell her. i dint want to, but only because i wanted to spare her more pain, and previously she said she didnt want to know She is devastated. I've lost my way and i'm ashamed. I'm so sorry for the hurt ive caused her (though i know that doesn't change anything). She's the best friend i ever had, and i never thought i would cheat. Now, i'm in contact with the girl but she lives hours away. I don't want to rush into anything with her but do have strong feelings. I've moved out into a rented room, and my wife is not speaking to me exept for essential stuff. So there it is. I'm not proud of what ive done. I just wish i could stop all the pain Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I just wish i could stop all the pain your pain or your wifes? you can do something, you can ACT and stop wishing.... whatever that act is... it's up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 If you want the marriage: pick up a copy of Surviving Infidelity and After the Affair and actually DO THINGS to be RESPONSIBLE to your wife and the marriage. Every time she is HURT, SHOW REMORSE and LISTEN and don't interrupt with the "blah blah, that's not exactly true. No no, your shows were purple that day." JUST LISTEN AND RESPOND TO YOUR WIFE'S OVERALL FEELINGS AND IMPRESSIONS. DON'T ACT ALL PISSED OFF WHEN SHE QUESTIONS YOU ABOUT DETAILS OR CALLS YOU A JERK OR WHATEVER. JUST FACE IT LIKE A MAN ALREADY. And don't get up and run and leave either. Cheating is avoidance, you aren't going to get through this with more avoidance or hiding. Then teach my husband that. Link to post Share on other sites
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