He broke my 'no contact' rule/Why I can't delete him from Messenger

[TZ]

I went online last night for a bit and he was there (first time in 4 weeks that we see each other online--I was avoiding Messenger for a while). He immediately started a chatting session with me when he saw me log in.

 

The chat was civil, polite. We didn't discuss the broken relationship, feelings, nothing. We didn't even ask each other how the other was. (Usually the initiator of the conversation asks how's the other party--not him.) I answered very short answers, almost mimicking his: Him: "how's work?", Me: "fine", Me: "how's yours?", Him: "fine"...and so on. He thought that I had removed him from my contacts (since he hadn't seen me online for a while).

 

He recalled that my b'day was coming up. He mentioned that his b'day had passed (recall that I didn't acknowledge it since it was a week after the breakup and I was pretty torn and adhering to the 'no contact' rule). During the chat, I didn't even acknowledge it (none of "sorry I missed your b'day" nor "happy belated"), I just didn't say anything. It was a pretty short chat. His last lines were "See you online, on another occasion"..."I have to go do something"..."See you". And mine was "See you".

 

Anyway, it's almost 4 weeks of my 'no contact' rule and I'm trying to hold up. Funny, since the breakup I've had no urge to contact him--none whatsoever. The only thing I hadn't done was block him in my Messenger contacts. I don't know why I'm debating doing this. Am I still in denial? I'm rationalizing my feelings and realizing that I don't want him back, but maybe deep inside I want to keep the lines open for conversation (possible future friendship, if I want to), or maybe I want to have the satisfaction of him seeing me online and me telling him that I'm busy and not answering his chat sessions. I don't know. I still don't have a clear idea of what I want to do.

 

My girl friend tells me that he's not worthy of me; that he's always thinking about himself; that I shouldn't even entertain the idea of having a friendship with him because of the way he treated me, and that going back to him would be foolish on my part--a sign of desperation.

 

I know he's not going to ask me to get back with him (even if things don't work out with him...I think he knows better not to ask for me back). I definitely don't want him back (as a boyfriend). But maybe later on, much later on, we could still be friends. Maybe I should just take it slowly and not think about what I want in the future, just let the healing of my feelings take place on its own time?

[Julie McCoy]

Originally posted by TZ

The only thing I hadn't done was block him in my Messenger contacts. I don't know why I'm debating doing this. Am I still in denial? I'm rationalizing my feelings and realizing that I don't want him back, but maybe deep inside I want to keep the lines open for conversation (possible future friendship, if I want to), or maybe I want to have the satisfaction of him seeing me online and me telling him that I'm busy and not answering his chat sessions. I don't know. I still don't have a clear idea of what I want to do

 

You might be in denial to some extent, or as you said maybe you like the idea that he'll see you blowing him off.

 

My girl friend tells me that he's not worthy of me; that he's always thinking about himself; that I shouldn't even entertain the idea of having a friendship with him because of the way he treated me, and that going back to him would be foolish on my part--a sign of desperation.

 

After a break-up we should all listen to what our friends and family have to say. If they're telling you he's no good, sure there's a chance that part of the reason they're saying that is to make you feel better. But there's almost certainly a lot of truth in what they're saying too.

 

But maybe later on, much later on, we could still be friends. Maybe I should just take it slowly and not think about what I want in the future, just let the healing of my feelings take place on its own time?

 

You know, I think that after a bad break-up the "friends" thing is only a possibility if and when you have truly put the other person behind you, completely, and you happen to encounter them. It can't be something you've sought or planned -- because that would mean you're not really over them. So I suggest you block him from Messenger and shut the door completely. Don't do anything to facilitate interaction with him on any level. Putting this behind you should be your only goal -- not putting it behind you so that maybe down the road the two of you can be friends. I don't think you need to harbor animosity for him. You just need to stop thinking about him, period.

[Kat]

When deleting a person from messenger, you have to change your settings to 'Only accept messeges from users on my list'

[TZ]

Julie and Kat, thanks for your replies.

 

Julie, I've decided to block him from my Messenger contacts. I can see when he's online, but he can't see me, which is fine. I will not initiate a chat session with him when I see him. I actually realize that it's better not to chat than to chat and scrutinize the conversation. I don't have time nor energy for that, so off my list he goes!

 

I haven't deleted his number from my cell. And there's a reason for that. It's easier for me to see his name than to figure out his number. That way, when his name shows up as calling, then all I do is silence the ring and let it go to voice mail. It's up to him if he wants to leave a message or not. At least I'd know that he's called.

 

As far as the wanting to be friends part, you're right. I'll leave that for time to decide. When I get over this breakup and him, then I can start thinking about whether I want to be friends with him or not. All I can do now, if I bump into him, is just be civil and polite and move on. It will be hard to do, but I will have to act it out and pretend.

 

Kat, I just love your animated icon!