Dealing With An Alcoholic

[kdog]

Hello,

 

Looking for advice on a recent break up from a 3 year relationship. My boyfriend and I have really had a fun, loving and healthy relationship but I got to the point where I had to draw the line with his drinking.

I have watched his drinking habits and how he reacts to alcohol turn in to something I want nothing to do with and have tried everything I know to "fix" it and nothing worked until I moved out.

He hasn't drank since I left (May) but it seems too soon to go back. My heart is broken and my head and heart are moving in two different directions.

I still love him very much and dream about a wonderful future together but I absolutely can not accept how he his when he has been drinking in my future.

I have a job opportunity elsewhere and feel torn as to whether or not I should try to make this relationship work or just move on. I have been going back and forth for months and I am exhausted and feeling lost.

Can any one relate?

[Nsweet]

Bravo for sticking to your wits and getting out of stressful situation. Now you don't necessarily need to decide right away, especially when you're dealing with hurt feelings and resentment. Which is why I want you to take some time for yourself and consider this a trial separation. Believe it or not this will actually stengrhen the relationship if you decide to return and and also strengthen yourself as well if you want to remain single.

 

There should be some communication before you try NC in this situation so you both know why this is happening.

Rule 1. Let him know how you feel about his drinking and exactly why you left.

Rule 2. You should both have a time frame in mind for when you two can meet and talk about your problems. Maybe six months works for you maybe shorter, but make sure you both know so you can both be working for the same due date.

Rule 3. Tell him what it is exactly you want him to change and what he wants from you. Tell him you may be you would if he can get help and remain sober for that six month period.

Rule 4. Keep up communication but only about friendly topics. Keep it short 30 min or so and let him know if he is making you uncomfortable.

Rule 5. Most important in this time DON'T CHEAT. give hymn chance to change and win you over.

 

This is just a little common advice that may help you. I have a feeling though if you let him know you're willing to leave him if he backslides into his destructive habits, but at the same time you will support his recovery... He won't let you down.

 

Right now all you can do is heal yourself and your hurt feelings. Don't allow yourself to think of him in any angry or hurtful ways at all, none. Whenever you start to remember those incidences like after a trigger switch to a safe memory you always feel warm and tingly over.

 

Keep up limited contact at this time, maybe one all a week or so. Don't let him slip into desperate behavior that may trigger his drinking. Straight up let him know that you don't appreciate any groveling or pleading. That you WANT him to be strong and couragous during this time.

 

I hope this helped. I know how hard this is going to be for him so please don't give up hope.

[sarahg_8]

Kdog, I can completely relate.

 

I was with someone for a year who was an alcohol abuser. Although he didn't drink that much, once a month or so he would go out and get completely smashed, come home and start horrible fights. Looking at the guy, it was who I loved, but to hear the hurtful things coming out of his mouth was too much. The next day we would wake up, he would apologize and I would accept, although I secretly resented him for his behavior, and the fact that this happened at least 3 more times.

 

After the fourth time, I broke up with him. I couldn't handle it, it was too stressful. He stopped drinking and we got back together a few weeks later. Although he remained dry for 6 months after, I knew he was struggling with it but we both didn't talk about it. We swept it under the rug, including himself who just stopped drinking with no proper support system. After 6 months, it reached a breaking point again because he told me he had only stopped to keep me in his life. If you know anything about alcoholism, you'd know that stopping for someone else will never work. Instead, they will just resent you for standing in their way of the drink. In a way, that's what happened with us although we were head over heels in love. He wasn't ready to truly admit the depth of his problem to himself and began to drink again after we parted ways.

 

He moved away over two months ago and went had no contact for a month and a half. He contacted me one day and eventually mentioned that he was no longer drinking again. He realized that if he didn't stop he'd either end up dead or lead a very unhappy life. According to him, he has made a lot of realizations about himself, his drinking, and the problems it has created. We speak regularly and may reconcile once he moves back in a few months. I'm still very cautious, but hopeful, especially if he has truly realized that he needs help.

 

Since our break-up, I have done a lot of research including talking with a therapist and going to an Al-Anon meeting to better understand. I know now, more than ever, that you cannot give an alcoholic an ultimatum to change by threatening to leave them or trying to "fix them". It will not matter if they are not truly ready. Only they can help themselves. I suggest you educate yourself on the matter, it will help while trying to talk about things. There are a lot of great websites that have really helped me out. There's nothing wrong with discussing it, but like I said, you can't fix them by love or babying. They will end up resenting you for it because they feel guilty.

 

I wish I would have taken this advice when we broke up the first time. We didn't talk about it. Lets hope this time it works.

[Citizen Erased]

Take the job. Will save you even more heartache.

[EgoJoe]

I have been sober off of Alcohol for three years as of Monday. I was a binge drinker as well. I had a very supportive girlfriend and even though I went through some treatment I never really took AA super seriously (at first) and my "dry drunk" tendencies wore on her at times.

 

When quitting Alcohol it's best to make NO changes in your life other than treatment for a year. If you want to make things work then this is what you must do if he is doing the work.

 

You must resign yourself to the fact you will have to be a little careful if you drink. You must encourage AA and go with him. Remind him that his higher power CAN BE YOUR LOVE and the bond that you share as it represents a positive force in the Universe. For a long time, that was my higher power.

 

Alcohol abuse tends to be a result of a bad coping strategy so it might be best to identify who is more of a Clinger vs. Avoider and seek out couples counseling.

 

People make mistakes and on the same note people also are predisposed to things out of their control. Most Native Americans (and people with even a very small amount of native blood) actually have a blood sugar deficiency when exposed to Alcohol which results in the behavior you describe and it is due to LOW exposure to alcohol over generations.

 

Also, people with long history of alcohol consumption (italian, german and irish families) are predisposed to a suceptibility due to overexposure over generations and thus you'll end up with one kid whos dna has chromosomes don't agree with alcohol.

 

It is important to realize that if you love and cherish this man and he made the effort to quit drinking just to keep you around it was also for him to be with the woman he loved and that is a powerful first step towards recovery. Proactive management of a substance without proper treatment is a testament to willpower and conviction. Sarahg's point is valid though so you must make sure he is doing this for himself first and foremost. But it is ok for you be a factor. It also might be that he has some unresolved emotional issues that surface when he's drunk and not true alcoholism.

 

Nobody can make this decision for you, however, I can tell you that if you were to motivate (and go with) him to go AA that you will find many more positive changes evident within him if he takes the program seriously as it also leads to healthy behavior with regard to helping others which constantly reaffirms his problem by observing similar issues in others.

 

If you have any specific questions. I will continue to monitor this thread.

Edited August 18, 2011 by EgoJoe
Fixed some typos and redundancys, forgive my sloppy post, in a hurry.

[sarahg_8]

thank you for your insight, joe, as i am fairly new to this whole thing myself.

 

i learned a lot about "dry drunk" syndrome after we had broken up and it made total sense. it was apparent that although he was no longer drinking, some of our sober fights were just as painful at times.

 

as much as we want our love to be enough, it's painful when you realize it's out of your control and you yourself can't do anything else to help them. that's the point that i reached. hopefully for you, kdog, you won't reach this point and he may realize. i know support is a very good thing, but know that they must first help themselves, like i said. when you start babying them and putting on pressure on them to change it tends to end badly.

 

be patient and be understanding. if you feel you can't handle it and they're not making a change it might be best to bow out as painful as it may be.

[EgoJoe]

Alcoholics are in alot more pain than they can admit to themselves and depending on how old they are there is an egocentric aspect to "embracing" the depravity.

 

Been there, took every ounce of strength I had to not only not drink but to stop my on and off again pot smoking at the end and after the end of my relationship.

 

There is hope. The hope is in AA. It's free, it's anonymous and it's everywhere.

 

Also, slight joke on my own behalf I said "dna that has chromosomes" hehe.

Edited August 19, 2011 by EgoJoe

[sarahg_8]

i would like to talk more with you about this, if you don't mind. it would be nice to get some insight from someone who has been there.

[EgoJoe]

Well, shoot some questions out.

[D-Lish]

OP, you said he hasn't been drinking since May... How do you know this?

Alcoholics will hide it from you skillfully. I went through a horrible period in my life where I drank to excess every night of the week. I'd lost my business, had to move home with my parents (in my 30's)- lost a realtionship... And I just started drinking. Once, my dad mentioned there were a little too many beer cans in the garage each week- so I told him I quit and started hiding them. They also lived in another country and only came back once every few months for a short time- so I'd make sure everthing was fine and dandy when they came home- and I still drank , but they had no clue.

 

I had to spend 10 days in detox to finally get over it, then just used willpower to stay off of it. I can have the odd social drink now and keep it to a couple, whereas I used to have 10-14 beers a night!

 

My point being, if you're not seeing him every day, you don't know if he's sober.... If he wants to hide it from you, he can and will.

[EgoJoe]

Dlish has a very valid point but there is a way to tell. Look him dead in the eyes, ask his friends and compare his complexion to what it would be when he was drunk, the day after drinking etc.

 

Considering he's a binge drinker as opposed to what Dlish was a maintenance drinker it is easier to stop short term as a binge drinker but without a proper support and treatment system they crash harder.

 

 

A little bit about my problem:

 

At my worst I was a maintenance and a binge drinker with the money to blow because I was selling Cocaine, weed and I had two jobs one of which was working for myself....I could kill a fifth of Hennesy and still drink a six-pack of Heineken a few days in a row. When I detoxed it was in a jail cell. That happened more than once.

 

When I quit drinking...everybody could tell.

[stronganyway]

EgoJoe makes a lot of good points and comes from experience. I was with a man for 10 years, 15 sober from drugs before I met him. 15 year in N/A. BUT he still ACTED like a drug addict. I would not touch your ex bf with a ten foot pole unless he goes to AA, gets a sponser and is clean for a year. YOU can go to ALANON- it's GREAT for people who live with, are married to, have family members or co-workers who are alcoholics. It is AMAzingly supportive and gives you SO much great information.

[D-Lish]

I guarantee no one saw the difference between my drunken self and my sober outcome. I had only been drinking like a fish for a good year and a half though. I was a full on functioning alcoholic. I never called in sick, I just went home and closed the door and closed myself off from the world and drank enough beer to supply a fun function for a normal party of five...

 

I didn't gain or lose weight because I didn't eat and only drank my calories.

 

As SOON as someone saw I might have had a problem- like my dad seeing too many beer cans, I started hiding the beers cans and carting them out in a clandestine manner.

[EgoJoe]

I am glad to hear of your recovery Dlish, maintenance drinking is the worst in the long term.

 

I will say that I guarantee there were people who could tell. I spot people who abuse alcohol everyday. I can tell a casual drinker from a hardcore in mannerisms alone.

 

But, I'm kind of a freak. I can smell alcohol from across the room on someone's breath and usually tell what kind. If I go to a bar with friends I have to have gum for my own sake.

 

I'm not always right about what kind, heh. Hiding it is possible. But, not all the signs from everyone. I hid mine too.

 

To Sarahg, Kdog and Stronganyway I'll say:

 

I have heard that NA isn't as good as AA...but...I never went to a NA and as far as I know they are very similar.

 

I wouldn't require your boyfriend to be Sober for a year. In fact leaving him at this time is the worst thing. Re-establish personal boundaries and be supportive. Use a reward system with him and be honest. Encourage hobby building alone and together.

 

Giving up on an Alcoholic who isn't in complete denial is a sign of selfishness. Imagine if your boyfriend had given up on you the first time you....(insert a personal flaw you KNOW you have).

 

The problem with Alcohol abuse is that it magnifies other existing problems due to the obfuscated effects of a depressant that acts under the guise of a stimulant.

 

For general relationship issues go to Al.turtlecounseling.com there is soooo much free literature and some of the writings on making your partner feel safe will help immensely. Also, direct your boyfriend to www.bettermen.org.

 

I'll continue to monitor this thread, cheers.

[kdog]

This has all been very helpful information and I showed my boyfriend (ex, whatever) this thread and he found it helpful as well and interesting.

He was a bit sad to see that I was doing this, but I think it just reiterated how serious this problem is and how much I care about our relationship.

Moving out was a good choice I think, and we are still communicating well, AND he has not been drinking- I trust this 100%, I can tell.

I just hope he can find the right support he needs to find success on his journey of sobriety. He has still not pursued AA or anything like it and I'm not trying to force him to do it.

Although I will continue to suggest it casually along with the other tips and info you all have posted.

Its still so hard for me to commit to anything right now, I feel like, as they say, I "need to sh*t or get off the pot" with this man but I'm still in the middle.

Not wanting to lead him on, but still have so much love for him.

If anyone has the book with all the answers, please let me know.

Thanks again.

[EgoJoe]

The book with all the answers is "The Big Book" and you get it for free from AA. You want to be an amazing girlfriend who gives him a chance?

 

Tell him to go to AA and do ninety meetings in ninety days or he has no chance. If he's serious about recovery for himself and you. He'll do it.

[Art_Critic]

AND he has not been drinking- I trust this 100%, I can tell.

 

For the record.. this thought process of watching/monitoring the alcoholic and what he does/doesn't drink shows codependency on your part..

 

Who cares if he hasn't drank anything because of the breakup..that type of sobriety will not last past getting back together.

 

He has to quit for himself and not you.

If you are still in contact with him and wish to continue a relationship with him then I would suggest YOU going to a few Alanon meetings they will help to show you how to love yourself and the man rather than the Alcoholic.

Alanon also shows you how to regain the life that the Alcoholic sucks up..

 

Actively drinking and non sober Alcoholics suck the life out of a normal loving person..

 

By the way.. I'm Art.. I'm an Alcoholic and have been sober 24+ years..

[EgoJoe]

You're so right about sucking the life out of people Art. Even those of us who were dry drunks tend to do this until we get serious about recovery.

 

I commend your many years of sobriety. I think that her reinforcing her decision with ninety meetings in ninety days should convey the message that his life is unmanageable. I know he has to realize it for himself, but, others can help this process along.

 

Your thoughts?

[Tayla]

Art, I applaud your length of SOBRIETY , and I say that with much regard. It took one foot in front of the other. I'm often reminded the first years are the DRY years, Taking the alcohol outta the system, then putting the good stuff in, such as good people with stable healthy boundaries.

 

To the OP, do take care of yourself and seek support, whatever avenue that is for you. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is watch another suffer, yet its better to be strong when they are not.....I wish you well ....

 

This disease will and has claimed lives, but it also offers a chance to change and regroup ones life's goals, may your friend find that avenue and stick with it.

[Art_Critic]

You're so right about sucking the life out of people Art. Even those of us who were dry drunks tend to do this until we get serious about recovery.

 

I commend your many years of sobriety. I think that her reinforcing her decision with ninety meetings in ninety days should convey the message that his life is unmanageable. I know he has to realize it for himself, but, others can help this process along.

 

Your thoughts?

 

Thanks and props to you for your sobriety as well...

Others helped me back in the day when I was drunk.. a GF.. my Brother and Family, my Sponsors and even later on many naysayers that felt I just didn't have any willpower and that was why I drank..

I won over the naysayers by keeping steadfast and taking the first steps and showing them that I was a drunk :)hahaha..

 

Admitting I was powerless over Alcohol was the hardest step I ever took..

My system of denial was built around a bad relationship with my father who I looked up to who was also an Alcoholic and I had to deal with that before I could face myself..

 

Yes.. 90 days and 90 meetings would be a good thing for him..

 

and if he is reading.. he needs to know that there will be many people at those meetings just like him..

Ask for someone there to take you under their wing and show you the ropes..

There is nothing wrong in asking for help...

 

I look back at my months/year of figuring out that I had a problem and was powerless over Alcohol and needed help, it was my GF at the time leaving me and her insistence that I go into AA coupled with my family is what helped break me...

Edited August 23, 2011 by Art_Critic

[Art_Critic]

Art, I applaud your length of SOBRIETY , and I say that with much regard. It took one foot in front of the other. I'm often reminded the first years are the DRY years, Taking the alcohol outta the system, then putting the good stuff in, such as good people with stable healthy boundaries.

 

.. that is true..

 

There was this old timer during my first year of sobriety that said something to me that stuck with me all these years.. it helped me realize that I didn't know it all

 

He said to me in a meeting "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth"..hahaha.. I did just that..

[D-Lish]

Thanks and props to you for sobriety as well...

Others helped me back in the day when I was drunk.. a GF.. my Brother and Family, my Sponsors and even later on many naysayers that felt I just didn't have any willpower and that was why I drank..

I won over the naysayers by keeping steadfast and taking the first steps and showing them that I was a drunk :)hahaha..

 

Admitting I was powerless over Alcohol was the hardest step I ever took..

My system of denial was built around a bad relationship with my father who I looked up to who was also an Alcoholic and I had to deal with that before I could face myself..

 

Yes.. 90 days and 90 meetings would be a good thing for him..

 

and if he is reading.. he needs to know that there will be many people at those meetings just like him..

Ask for someone there to take you under their wing and show you the ropes..

There is nothing wrong in asking for help...

 

I look back at my months/year of figuring out that I had a problem and was powerless over Alcohol and needed help, it was my GF at the time leaving me and her insistence that I go into AA coupled with my family is what helped break me...

 

I admire what you've done too Art. You were also very kind to me when I needed the support.

 

My moment came one morning when I woke up upside down on my bed, fully clothed- shoes and coat still on- no car in the driveway and no idea where I'd left it. No car key- and there was a huge hole in the drywall in the stairwell. I must have tripped down the stairs and somehow fell into the wall with enough force to put a huge hole in the wall! I didn't remember a thing- not a single thing. (I actually patched it myself and my parents to this day have not noticed- but in certain lights, and from certain angles I still notice it when I go home for x-mas and easter:eek:).

 

Another instance of my foolishness was when I was on vacation and I went to the beach at 11am, and 12 hours later walked home in my bikini after spending the day drinking at the outdoor bar only to wake up at 5am and find my purse was empty. I retraced my steps only to find all the items in a zig zag pattern from my place back to the beach... My book, my wallet, my cell phone, all my make up, sun tan lotion... I'd obviously walked home with my purse unzipped upside down:o I could have been assulated, robbed, raped- I always put myself in potentially harmful situation during those times.

 

It was moments like that that I collected over those 2 years (the first being the final straw) that prompted me to seek help.

 

It's a hard addiction to beat. I still think about getting hammered every time something stresses me out in my life.

[Tayla]

DLish, what a tale to share. Thank you for that. Not that you endured such but that its a testimony to how far it takes a person. Glad you are sober and making good of your life choices.

 

Just remember, A day remembered is worth more then days forgotten....its a mantra said in our support group. Best to you.

[D-Lish]

DLish, what a tale to share. Thank you for that. Not that you endured such but that its a testimony to how far it takes a person. Glad you are sober and making good of your life choices.

 

Just remember, A day remembered is worth more then days forgotten....its a mantra said in our support group. Best to you.

 

Those stories could be comical if there wasn't such seriousness behind the issue.

 

It was actually liberating to just tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth after spending 10 days in detox and coming onto LS and just laying the truth out there. Nobody knows me here, and it's easier to admit things to a stranger than those that might be the closet to you.

 

When it comes to the OP, all I can say is that there is an issue that runs much deeper than the bignge drinking. I don't believe that you can just stop flat out with out seeking some sort of help.

 

No one in my life knew I was a drinker- because I was the perfect example of a functioning alcoholic. I'd drink to excess every night, then get up and go to work every morning- I never once called in sick over it.

 

I agree that the OP's ex needs to want to help himself for his own reasons- not to get back into the relationship. I became very skilled at fooling people. When my parents would come home for a week to visit, I'd keep my beer hidden in the garage, wait for them to go to bed, then I'd get hammered and leave for work in the morning and take my empties with me.

 

Alcoholics are skilled at deception, I know I sure was.

 

My father, whom is a Dr. didn't catch on until I told him I needed his help to watch my dogs while I sought help.

[EgoJoe]

To Art: Thank you and I appreciate your opinion.

 

To Tayla: Absolutely!

 

To Dlish: Wow! I am so glad you're alive and well. I am glad that your repercussions did not have to get extremely severe for you to wake up.