Is he game playing;did I say something wrong?

[surferchic]

hello everyone. i really need feedback soon. i'm contemplating what to do if anything at this point of this still 'new' relationship.

 

(bkgrnd: 10 years my senior,btw. we're 3 hrs away, i have male roomate)

 

so, about 2 months ago i met this guy who has been persuing me ever since 2 months ago. here's how it happened. he lives in my relative's neighborhood, we pass each other while i was coming, he was leaving. he's saw me getting into my car. he starts small talk, i speak and try to keep it moving. as i start to drive off he stops and says he's never got my name and if he could contact me. we exchange info. he calls literally like 30 seconds later. we chat very briefly because i was kind of in a hurry and needed to focus on the task at hand. so i end the conversation politely and he says he looks forward to us chatting soon. i was pleasantly surprsied by him calling so fast, but i was borderline wondering if this guy is desperate... (guys chime in any time).

 

Since then he called me every single day,several times a day. we had several things in common and our chemistry was ridiculous! we both find each other attractive. so mind you i was visiting a relative in another state,where he lives. so we live like 3 hours away. so about a week after meeting him he wants to go out. although our convo was nice, i wasnt comfortable meeting him again so soon. so i say perhaps 2 weeks from then... he wasnt too happy but said ok. (((sidebar: thorughout our chats he mentions that in his prior relationships, he's been told that he's too controlling. this was the first red flag for me))) so a few days after i tell him meeting 2 weeks later would be better than meeting in a few days, he says he thinks we should wait even longer, i.e. the end of the week. i say, ok cool... then the 'games' begin. he says he has like 3 or 4 different events to attend that following weekend,which is no biggie to me because i have a busy lifestyle. but on that sunday he says he misses me and feels like we havent spoken enough that weekend. well, duhhh he said he had so much to do, so he said. so i say, "it's cool we're speaking now and besides you said you had some things to attend, so it's cool and you said you wanted to wait to go out at the end of the month rather than in 2 weeks, so i take it it's all cool with you as well right. so he says, "well, i just take your ideas and make them better"............hu?........that seemed a bit strange a controlling-like. make my ideas "better"? ok...

 

so he plans to pick me up and wants me to meet his mother and sister on this first date. his family live near me. so that's kinda cool but kinda soon, but i agree to meet them. we end up having a great time and all. we go out to eat, to his family's club...cool. the only thing is that when i first met him i could never see his entire body. he's much shorter then i imagined. so when i first saw him get out of his vehicle i was a bit shocked because i had this idea of his heighth in my mind. out of the blue, he asked me how tall i was weeks prior to us meeting. it was no big deal to me that he asked. but when meeting him,i don't know if my expression showed or if my thoughts were obvious. i hope not because i've never put emphasis on height. he was still cool and nice and a gentleman. while we ate he turned his head to me and kissed me. he did so many little things to get brownie points. he knew what he was doing. sooo, he takes me back home at the end of the night(very late btw) and he drives back reluntantly. when he's halfway home he calls me , but i didn't pick up because i was sleep. so he calls again, and i still didn't pick up. so the third time i pick up and he asks what happened because he called twice ... i explained and what not. so he continues to call that following week and said he was trying to think of when he was coming back to see me but it seems like we were running out of things to talk about, im assuming because we were talking sooo frequently. im always afraid of a relationship hitting it's peak too soon due to too much contact too soon. i told him that week that he didn't have to feel obligated to call me everyday during his lunch if he needed the time for himself and that i realize it's hard for anyone to keep up that momentum. he laughed a little but said he liked hearing my voice during the day but it can be a difficult to call at the same time.so now he has pulled back. doesn't call as much, but doesn't let a day go by without a call or text.actually, he has let a day go by with no call and he sometimes says "let me call you right back" and doesn't call back. prior to me telling him he didn't have to feel obligated to call each day, he never did that. i mentioned it once to him but he denied being affected by my comment to him. the tone of his voice is not the same anymore.

 

---> here's the thing: i have a male roommate and this guy knows about it and has asked about it a few times. i told him i was in the process of finding another place of my own and that i've only lived with this guy friend for very shortly. me new guy asked if there was anything btwn my roommate and i and i assured him that there is nothing btwn us. he asked was i sure...??? i assured him that there is nothing....

 

should i let things fade out as they seem to be doing,is this a natural turn in a relationship/long distance, should i do something sweet to confirm that i really care about him and want to continue to hear from him. i really like him but since he's started this seemingly game playing, i'm a bit put off by him and getting annoyed. perhaps his interest has faded but just still calls for the hell of it...? i don't know. i don't like games and we've discussed it before. but i really don't know what to do. i feel like ignoring his calls and texts, but i like him. just don't like wasting my time.

 

thanks everyone!

Edited August 18, 2011 by surferchic

[madjac74]

I dont think he's playing games, I think this is just how he is. He seems insecure and clingy and these are traits of a controlling person. You seem very laid back, trusting and easy going and I think his personality will drive you nuts in the long run.

 

To me it sounds like you want to continue talking to him but you aren't quite into him the way he is to you. And for him to ask about whether anything happened with you and your roomate is none of his business in a new relationship and then he asks "Are you sure?" as if your first answer was a lie or maybe you forgot you had sex with your roomate.... is so very insecure and childish. And anytime you don't contact him some weekend, he is going to assume you are banging the roomate.

 

I suggest you tell him you want to slow down and just keep the relationship friendly for now and see how he reacts.

[surferchic]

Thanx madjac74.

 

Your summation of me would be pretty much accurate. I am kind of laid back and free spirited. I'm often in shock when I find out how a guy feels. it's not that I dont care, it's jay that on this situation things were going so well, then as soon as I made the comment telling him he didnt have to feel obligated to call every day at the same time, things changed.he won't admit being affected by that comment, so to me there's a wall up now that I dont feel like dealing with.I dont like grudges cuz I just dont know how to warm him people up or kiss up, after messing up,if I even did...This is where I get annoyed and assume he's playing games. he's tried to explain himself acting like he's not playing games, etc and perhaps he's not, but he got a bit upset as he spoke.I had to ask him to calm down.he did texted me later that nite saying call him if i was up, I wasn't so I didn't.

 

So u really think I should tell him I want to take things slower &keep things on a friendly level? Won't that crush his ego even more. I've ben told by my girlfriends that I shouldnt have made the comment about him not having to call each day@the same time.so I guess me saying what you suggested will be a test to see whether he fights or flights...& just doesn't give a hoot.

Edited August 18, 2011 by surferchic

[muse08]

Surferchic, as I read your post so much sounds like a mixture of game playing and him being insecure. When someone is insecure or you dont respond to them the way they desire you to, games are exactly their next recourse.

 

I've experienced some of this before with an ex, only not with a guy who is 10 years older than me and with the long distance at hand. I really believe that part of your guy's insecurities come from his age, the distance btwn you two, perhaps his heighth and definitely the fact that you live with another guy. If he's still with you now, I think he finds something about you that he doesn't want to be without. Thing is, you seen to not show much emotion in your responses to him so that's probably driving him crazy, lol. If you really like him though, give him a little time to straighten up and observe his reactions to situations, as madjac suggested.

[surferchic]

Hi muse08, thanks. Funny thing is that he told me he has OCD... I dont know much about ocd but I have observed him and noticed his need for order! it's a but strange at first being around someone like that. Their need for order and control is quite evident. Also, I noticed that he seems more reserved in person than he sounds on the phone, i.e. very confident, outspoken and not shy at all. So when I met him he really seemed a bit shy, which is how he described himself but I couldn't believe it until I observed it first hand.

 

Could his OCD contribute to his need to control the relationship flow.As much as I thought I liked him, I feel like this LCD is a true challenge...especially in my situation.

[muse08]

I dont think he's playing games, I think this is just how he is.

 

Wow, really? Imo, he's absolutely playing games. When someone changes their behavior by taking away part of their affection and they never own up to it they are playing games. I recall reading where he called her a few times and when she didn't pick up he clearly askd her what happened? From my understanding he doesn't do that anymore...?

[surferchic]

guys, do you do these things intentionally or do you not realize that you're actually pushing a female away...especially since we're in an LDsemi-R(IMO)<<<

 

yea, i really believe he calls himself playing a game of control. i called him to tell him to have a good day the other day. so he says he needed to focus on the road and that he would call me right back. he never called back that day. This guy waits to call me back 2 days later...he texted that morning, then when i didn't respond he calls me 2 hours later asking me to call him back... im like " this guy must be a little crazy or something". plus, he always tried to end the conversation early or before me. on several occasions, i've clearly said i'm getting ready to do this or that so...and before i can complete a sentence he'll either ignore me and try to drag the conversation out or he'll interject and act like HE is the one who needs to get off the phone. it's really bizarre...

 

i never called back because i was just annoyed and didn't feel like having an attitude, so on the 2nd day he calls me again and i finally answer his call pleasantly as i usually do. and he seemed a little thrown off by it. he said nothing about him not calling back. he was moreso trying to feel me out,asking me how my weekend was and trying to sound all interested in what i've been doing over the weekend since it was a weekend when i didn't answer his calls&text. i actually had a great weekend with some friends visiting from out of town, which was really cool. so since then he pulled the trick again of not returning my call until the next day. he just texted this morning asking me how my day was going... it's almost funny now. because i've lowered my expectations of him, which means i'm losing respect for him, which means i will be losing complete interest sooner than later because i can't stay in communication with someone i don't respect. i will take as much as i can until i can't put up with b.s. anymore. and once i'm done ,i'm done...

 

i'm about to let this thing fade out. i've told myself that if by the end of this month he doesn't shape up(he really could use some time in the gym,lol)...no seriously, then i'm going to have to keep on trucking!

[Easyguy14]

guys, do you do these things intentionally or do you not realize that you're actually pushing a female away...especially since we're in an LDsemi-R(IMO)<<<

 

yea, i really believe he calls himself playing a game of control. i called him to tell him to have a good day the other day. so he says he needed to focus on the road and that he would call me right back. he never called back that day. This guy waits to call me back 2 days later...he texted that morning, then when i didn't respond he calls me 2 hours later asking me to call him back... im like " this guy must be a little crazy or something". plus, he always tried to end the conversation early or before me. on several occasions, i've clearly said i'm getting ready to do this or that so...and before i can complete a sentence he'll either ignore me and try to drag the conversation out or he'll interject and act like HE is the one who needs to get off the phone. it's really bizarre...

 

i never called back because i was just annoyed and didn't feel like having an attitude, so on the 2nd day he calls me again and i finally answer his call pleasantly as i usually do. and he seemed a little thrown off by it. he said nothing about him not calling back. he was moreso trying to feel me out,asking me how my weekend was and trying to sound all interested in what i've been doing over the weekend since it was a weekend when i didn't answer his calls&text. i actually had a great weekend with some friends visiting from out of town, which was really cool. so since then he pulled the trick again of not returning my call until the next day. he just texted this morning asking me how my day was going... it's almost funny now. because i've lowered my expectations of him, which means i'm losing respect for him, which means i will be losing complete interest sooner than later because i can't stay in communication with someone i don't respect. i will take as much as i can until i can't put up with b.s. anymore. and once i'm done ,i'm done...

 

i'm about to let this thing fade out. i've told myself that if by the end of this month he doesn't shape up(he really could use some time in the gym,lol)...no seriously, then i'm going to have to keep on trucking!

 

why do you allow your boyfriend to keep calling you first? why wont you give him a ring some time? it seems like you wanna be chased and he's not into that as much as you hoped and now you're finding excuses to think he's changed when the problem lies more on you in my opinion.

[surferchic]

why do you allow your boyfriend to keep calling you first? why wont you give him a ring some time? it seems like you wanna be chased and he's not into that as much as you hoped and now you're finding excuses to think he's changed when the problem lies more on you in my opinion.

 

Hey thnx easyguy14. I do call him, but not as much as he calls me. this is just the way things started out.he sound call me ever single day, several times a day and ou didn't really have a chance to be the first one to call. though I must say I'm in no competition on those regards. Even when I do call, he had decided to end convo and not call back even though he says, "let me cal u right back". He's call so much I wouldn't have a chance to call him Imo he just wants me to anticipate him calling only to not hear from him as expected. In a conversation a while ago, he says,"muse, what an I going to do with u". I say," haha, well if u don't know then we have a real problem".he says, "oh na, I know wat to do with you. Do certain things yo make you think about me..." I think these stunts he's pulling now are what he was referring to.because out does make me think of him, but little does he know, I'm thinking of running for the hills..

my last post is about ME calling him, not the reverse. What made you choose the word "allow" him to be the first to call? And what's wrong with that? I'm just curious...

Edited August 19, 2011 by surferchic

[madjac74]

Wow, really? Imo, he's absolutely playing games. When someone changes their behavior by taking away part of their affection and they never own up to it they are playing games. I recall reading where he called her a few times and when she didn't pick up he clearly askd her what happened? From my understanding he doesn't do that anymore...?

 

Well you can call it playing games but if its the way he acts all the time then its more his actual behavior. I think we all play games at one time or another in a relationship whether intentionally or we are forced to play their game. If someone acts like that all the time then its more than just playing a game, its them being immature and their natural response is to do childish things to get their way.

 

I think surferchic needs to realize that this may be his real personality and it wont change easily. I can't imagine she wants to deal with that all the time throughout a relationship

[Easyguy14]

Hey thnx easyguy14. I do call him, but not as much as he calls me. this is just the way things started out.he sound call me ever single day, several times a day and ou didn't really have a chance to be the first one to call. though I must say I'm in no competition on those regards. Even when I do call, he had decided to end convo and not call back even though he says, "let me cal u right back". He's call so much I wouldn't have a chance to call him Imo he just wants me to anticipate him calling only to not hear from him as expected. In a conversation a while ago, he says,"muse, what an I going to do with u". I say," haha, well if u don't know then we have a real problem".he says, "oh na, I know wat to do with you. Do certain things yo make you think about me..." I think these stunts he's pulling now are what he was referring to.because out does make me think of him, but little does he know, I'm thinking of running for the hills..

my last post is about ME calling him, not the reverse. What made you choose the word "allow" him to be the first to call? And what's wrong with that? I'm just curious...

 

never said anything about you allowing him to call you back. was referring to when he kept calling you first in the beginning but seeing that he kept calling every day and you say you didn't have a chance to call him first, I will assume you had planned to?

 

I think he was excited about you initially but probably hasn't really gone in deep yet as in physically to wanna amp it up more. may I ask how old you are and he about? can you also tell me if you showed disinterest in him at first then started to come along with interest later on before he took off on the telephone craziness of calling all day? just feeling that you wanted to be chased a little bit. am I wrong?

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[surferchic]

Well you can call it playing games but if its the way he acts all the time then its more his actual behavior. I think we all play games at one time or another in a relationship whether intentionally or we are forced to play their game. If someone acts like that all the time then its more than just playing a game, its them being immature and their natural response is to do childish things to get their way.

 

I think surferchic needs to realize that this may be his real personality and it wont change easily. I can't imagine she wants to deal with that all the time throughout a relationship

 

You're right madjac, I don't. I tend to eventually run fast from mess like this (if he's going to continue to be like this) because it breaks my peace. Though i really like some parts of this guy's personality, thankfully this is new and not much time had been invested.

[surferchic]

never said anything about you allowing him to call you back. was referring to when he kept calling you first in the beginning but seeing that he kept calling every day and you say you didn't have a chance to call him first, I will assume you had planned to?

 

I think he was excited about you initially but probably hasn't really gone in deep yet as in physically to wanna amp it up more. may I ask how old you are and he about? can you also tell me if you showed disinterest in him at first then started to come along with interest later on before he took off on the telephone craziness of calling all day? just feeling that you wanted to be chased a little bit. am I wrong?

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Hey easyguy14, thnx for the post.yea, I think he was more excited earlier. It seems like ever since I you'd him he didn't have to call me every day, he changed amd had less enthusiasm, but still calls or texts almost everyday. To answer your questions, we've been seeing each other for only about 3 months.when we first started talking on the phone we were both showing more enthusiasm. I didn't call as much as he did because honestly, he was calling a whole lot AND I've never been one to like sitting& talking on the phone too much, BUT I did it with him.Our conversations were always stimulating, except for the lulls. At tho es times I would end the conversion to avoid a plateau in the excitement. truthfully, upon meeting him I was a bit shocked by his height, but I still like him.I'm not sure if my shock of his height,which came out as a freudian slip ("shock & aw", but I just said I meant I was in shock & aw because it was or first time meeting) during our first date, is obvious to him or not. I hope not but he catches everything&he's a cop... So he's 49 and I'm 36... he's told me that he's looking for a serious relationship.not some casual thing.he asked if I was ready, i said yes.he also has shown concern about my living situation by going online to look foR apartments in my area.then mentioning having to talk to his real estate agent about his options in terms of getting a place close to me or vice versa.I've made it clear that I dont wasnt to shack, he said he respects that.he jokingly, imo, said he's working on finding a way for us to not be so far apart & then seriously said by january we can make a move... That may sound cool, but then again doesn't out sound soon? Then again I wonder if men his age typically think to make serious moves quicker oute is he just blowing smoke...

 

I'm almost at a lost for words. I responded to his text today & sounds like we're cool for now.

[surferchic]

Basically, I think that he's pulled back since I made that comment to him about not having yo call everyday.because he still calls about every other day if not every day, just not 3 and 4o times a day like he used to.and he now waits longer to return my call our cal back when he says he's going to. And when he doesn't, I'm not the chic that will cal him and day"why didn't u cal me back". I brought it up once .now I just dont rush to call him back! Hence, the annoying game playing.

 

I want to know ,are all these people who are on relationships playing the game still just to stay together or is their relationship game free...

[Janicee]

Look up the information about character traits of people with Obsessive Compulsive personality order and you would lose interest to continue the relationship with this guy! Who wants a life without real love and full of manipulation?

 

The core of this horriblecharacter is the endless insecurity driven manipulative and punitive deeds.

 

They can never have real concern of others but themselves. The self centredness makes themselves the core of the world and to strike for a perfect and controlled environment/ relationship. Change can be so difficult for them.

 

The need for perfection outweight loves and they use all means to achieve this status:(

 

Hope you can find peace of mind after ending this

[surferchic]

Yea, it seems a bit serious, especially regarding a successful relationship. I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed...what can I say, I really like him, but I like my own sanity even more. The fact that we're 3 hrs away is already an issue...

 

[muse08]

Similar to lots of other LDR situations, they can make you feel all sorts of emotions. Perhaps, follow your guts and give it some time before you just let it go... Perhaps you both can decide at some point to move or at least decide how often to start seeing one another. This may take away some of the tension that I gather to be the source of this"game playing".

 

As suggested to another poster, appreciate the communication that you DO have. Each relationship is different, but LDRs have some fundamental similarities, i.e. distance and a constant need to balance one's emotions of missing your SO, while trying to function in your everyday life as normal...

 

I do believe that everyone comes into our lives for a reason.

[surferchic]

Should I just end this .I'm having a rough day today.thinking about him &knowing I can't see him right now.he hasn't said he missed me lately. we're supposed to see each other in a month but I have funny vibes. He has pulled back to the point where I'm not sure if I should even give anymore energy to him. We still communicate every day, sometimes every other day.

 

I miss him but feel like I dont want to complain, dont want to sound needy, and dont want to make things worse or cause more tension btwn us. After I made the"comment"to him, he said he was only concerned about not being able to come back to see me as soon as he'd like because of finances and that he was not bothered by my comment.yet he does not communicate his feelings much since the comment I made to him about not having to call me at the same time each day if it was too much for him.

 

Also he has not brought up us meeting next month, lately.

Edited August 21, 2011 by surferchic

[surferchic]

just feeling that you wanted to be chased a little bit. am I wrong? Th

 

Actually, I dont want to be chased. And I showed interest in him from the start. As I mentioned earlier, we have pretty good chemistry. The change I'm spreaking about is not an excuse, it's how things really are. He started to not call back when he said he would...AFTER, I made that comment to him telling him he didn't have to feel obligated to call me every day at the same time. So this is more about him saying he'll cal back but not doing so.my thought is they he's doing it to try and make me"think about him" as he told me he would do... Ironically enough. although I've been cordial with him ,my thoughts of him are now making me want to run for the hills...

Edited August 24, 2011 by surferchic

[luvflower]

This issue seems pretty obvious, IMO. Surferchic, you dont seem be behave exactly as he would like you to. This is a good thing, but some men, especially those who need control at all times, try to get the upper hand once they find out you're not going to chase them. I think he wants you to chase HIM.

[surferchic]

I dont think he's playing games, I think this is just how he is. He seems insecure and clingy and these are traits of a controlling person. You seem very laid back, trusting and easy going and I think his personality will drive you nuts in the long run.

 

To me it sounds like you want to continue talking to him but you aren't quite into him the way he is to you. And for him to ask about whether anything happened with you and your roomate is none of his business in a new relationship and then he asks "Are you sure?" as if your first answer was a lie or maybe you forgot you had sex with your roomate.... is so very insecure and childish. And anytime you don't contact him some weekend, he is going to assume you are banging the roomate.

 

I suggest you tell him you want to slow down and just keep the relationship friendly for now and see how he reacts.

 

Thank you for your honesty. For some reason, I want to give this guy another chance, without being easy. Can you as a guy please help. He still contacts me, but doesn't initiate as much since I made the comment to him and he has brought up my living situation.

 

What should I do... Other than kiss his @ss...

[muse08]

Sorry you're feeling confused. Make it easy on yourself by not beating yourself up and trying to find ways to solve a problem that you never created to begin with. This happens more often than not, one party is either insecure and/ or controlling so they manipulate the other party to try and get what they want. That IS NOT healthy. Nor is itormal. Similar to what Madjac said,I think this guy and his behavior would ghget on you last nerves! Look, it's starting already him the sound of your posts.

 

He will not be able to change your living situation unless he pays your bills and/or puts a ring on your finger. Neither of which sounds like is happening as of yet anyway. So he's going to have that in the back of his mind for a while and will probably try to find more ways to control your thinking, so that you're thinking about him.

 

Perhaps someone else, maybe a guy, can give a different perspective of how your guy friend could possibly be feeling right now...?

 

Is there any other way to look at this situation?

[surferchic]

That's a good question muse. Hopefully someone will give some feedback.

 

Until then, perhaps someone can tell me whether or not there is anything I should say to him. Ive never asked him if I did anything to upset him. haven't heard from him in like 6 days now. He's leaving me with no other option but to consider us over, do to speak. Ihop havent been calling him during this period of not hearing from him btw.it's just that I returned his text 2 dats late by calling to check on him. I think he's pouting because I didnt respond to him right away... funny thing is, I didnt respond to him sooner because I didn'thave phone service. He doesn't know that because he never called back..from 6j while days ago.

 

He's older than me and I didn't expect him to behave this way because he never did, prior to a conversation we had about him not having to feel pressured to cal me everyday. After that, the games started!

 

Does anyone think I should ask if I did anything to hurt him?

[surferchic]

So guys, he called a few days ago . I missed his call so he left a voicemail asking me to call him when I got the message.

 

Firstly, I haven't returned his call. Dont think I ever will. I dont really feel comfortablespeaking to him now.

 

Why is he even still calling if he's going to play games...

[luvflower]

So guys, he called a few days ago . I missed his call so he left a voicemail asking me to call him when I got the message.

 

Firstly, I haven't returned his call. Dont think I ever will. I dont really feel comfortablespeaking to him now.

 

Why is he even still calling if he's going to play games...

 

Well perhaps that's your solution to it all, don't call him again. Though it's like YOU'RE playing games as well by not returning his call, especially if you like this guy...?

Edited September 11, 2011 by luvflower