Crying more often again

[Yuzuki]

It's been around six weeks since the break-up and I've mostly remained NC (as best as I can while working at the same company). I spent the first ~3 weeks crying when I woke up, crying in the car to work, running to the restrooms to cry every few hours, and then more crying in the car back home and in bed at night.

 

I was relieved that, even though I still felt like crap, I could hold back the tears for the most part after that. I was never far from crying - hearing a particular song or reading the wrong quote was enough to get me started, but at least I could remain at my desk without dashing off to the restrooms during the day.

 

However I seem to have gone back to that initial stage of continuous crying. I'm not sure what caused this, I can't recall any big setbacks, I've maintained NC... And yet it's hitting me again with full force.

 

I've tried taking breaks together with other colleagues to cheer me up, but I can't enjoy it - it just makes it painfully clear that they're not him. Even if they're trying their best, to be honest I think I prefer to just stay at my desk and attempt to work.

 

I'd just hoped I wouldn't have to go through this stage again. I'm already not enjoying my life in the least anymore, but the constant crying drains me even more. I'm just wondering if others have experienced this too? Feeling worse again without any clear reason? It's always reassuring to hear from other people who've gone through the same.

 

Thanks to everyone on this forum, it's been immensely helpful to read other people's stories. I'll do my best to also help others when I can.

[reimeivn]

Remember to drink some water.

 

Get a video game. Something strategy or combat.

 

Eat some good chocolate.

 

Take long hot shower.

 

I cried a lot too, I still cry and i am like 3-4 months out. So yeah it is not as bad as you think it is. Know that it is a good thing you broke up. You want to be able to find the one that would move mountains to be with you.

 

Believe me, just think about why he doesnt need to be in your life, you will find out why. I found out a whole bunch, but thats because I never ever thought about him coming back with me, or the sweet memories that we shared. Whenever one of the thoughts came to my mind, I told myself: NO, I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT THIS BECAUSE HE BROKE UP WITH ME. I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT THE PAST, I WILL THINK ABOUT THE PRESENT AND THE FUTURE THAT DOESNT HAVE HIM IN IT.

 

After 3 weeks of doing that, i can control what i think. you can too. just try.

[Yuzuki]

Thank you for the advice. My real life friends don't really know what this feels like, hence why I turn to the people on this forum. I really appreciate the help.

 

I like what you said - about finding someone who truly wants to be with you and who would do anything to achieve that. That's about the one thought that has been helping me a little lately - because aside from the lack of commitment and, apparently, love, from his side, we did and liked the same things so it's hard to find reasons not to want him in my life.

 

It's hard to tune out the good memories. Part of me is afraid to forget them, afraid to forget how blissfully happy I was. But... I guess it's for the best.

[reimeivn]

Most people they got into relationship when they were really young and they have most of the small breakup before they have the big one so it doesnt really hurt them intensely like you are feeling right now. And yes of course they are in their normal state of mind so they dont feel what you feel. If they cannot help you out, dont open your mouth and talk to them about that anymore. Go to this website instead. I hear you all.

 

Just forget it for right now. Know that your mind is not in its normal state right now so just leave the hurt out, so you can heal. Believe me if its truly the good memories, it will stay in your heart after all this time.

[ScienceGal]

I am 9 weeks out and I still tear up daily, sometimes full out cry, but I am able to bring myself back together within 5 minutes. I realize I am being nostalgic and ask myself: do I really miss HIM or do i miss the relationship and all it brought? What was his ownership in what caused our problems? He started smoking again, put his friends before me, was really cold during times of disagreement, got angry easily and walked out, broke up with me in an email!!!

 

Try to remember the bad things. And also realize that healing is not linear, but with each cycle, it should get at least a little easier. You're doing just fine! And I don't tell my friends this stuff anymore either, as they think I have moved on :/

[Yuzuki]

[...] If they cannot help you out, dont open your mouth and talk to them about that anymore. Go to this website instead. I hear you all.

 

Just forget it for right now. Know that your mind is not in its normal state right now so just leave the hurt out, so you can heal. Believe me if its truly the good memories, it will stay in your heart after all this time.

 

Exactly. They do want to help, but they don't have a clue how to and after a few weeks it's clear they're starting to want to talk about something else for a change. Not that I blame them, I would probably act the same way if I were them. But for me, those few weeks weren't nearly enough to no longer need to talk about what has happened.

 

I'm starting to hate this "being afraid to forget". I used to spend so much time at his apartment that sometimes I find myself going over every room in my head to see if I still remember what everything looked like. It's ridiculous, really - to even cause yourself pain over a simple building. I also know it's mostly the memories there that I miss and not the place itself, but it's hard to stop it.

 

 

I am 9 weeks out and I still tear up daily, sometimes full out cry, but I am able to bring myself back together within 5 minutes. [...]

Sounds like the guy didn't truly deserve you, but of course something like that is easy to say and it's not at all what you feel inside. Can you at least control when you will start crying, or does it just hit you randomly like it does for me every now and then?

 

I find it's really the worst if you have to stop whatever it is you are doing to hide from other people somewhere so you can cry. Makes me feel like I'm not in control of who I am and what I do anymore... very frustrating.

[reimeivn]

Oh some friends are really, idk how to say it, but they are not that emotionally connected to you so you feel like you have to talk about it in order to share with them. some, like my friend, he just get it, and i dont feel like talking or whatever. i just be around him and thats enough comforting, you know.

 

So like, its also the friends you have. Not that you dont have any friend, you just need to have some of the right friends.

[reimeivn]

you have to like, train yourself not to think about him or things anymore. why do you still think about him? is this just a habit, or is there more to it? Like, do you get why you break up, or you still dont?

[D-Lish]

OP, I'm over 4 months out and I haven't talked to too many people IRL, only here. My friends are all married with their own lives and problems, and since I am usually their sounding board, none of them have been all that comfortable talking to me about what I have been through so I've resorted to LS for support and comfort.

 

Want to know how ridiculous my thought process is? I don't have my bath and take my make-up off until after midnight most nights because I have this tiny bit of hope that he's going to come by and buzz my apartment and tell me he made a mistake and I want to be looking my "best" for that moment that is never going to come- ever. (I can't believe I just admitted that crazy part of me).

 

He broke up with me mid-April and I haven't heard a peep out of him since. I sent him an e-mail a few weeks ago, breaking NC for the first time and then went back to NC again, heard nothing back.

 

It's normal to have good days and bad days- phases of feeling better followed by setbacks.... That's what break ups are all about.

 

I've been on vacation this week, and I've been worse than ever because I've had so much time on my hands to think. I've worked so hard these past 2 years and need this time to rest, but being bored has left me back in a phase of missing him like crazy. Not to mention that I'm back to experiencing the insomnia all week because I'm not tiring myself out by working all day. It's almost 6am and I am as awake as I was at 7pm last night.

 

Sorry to highjack your thread with my own story- I just want you to know that you aren't alone when it comes to muddling through the unbearable sadness. It sucks, but only something time can heal unfortunately.

 

It gets better, and we all heal differently. My advice is to cry it out until the tears dry up~ that day will come.

[Yuzuki]

We broke up because he said he'd expected a stronger feeling than what he actually felt for me. He wasn't sure if perhaps he was worrying too much, because it was his first relationship as well. But eventually he just told me he only saw me as a friend. Of course after taking the initiative to hug, kiss, hold hands, and eventually more. And seeming so into it. So it's all quite confusing and I guess I'm stuck with only a half-hearted reason as to why it ended.

 

About friends, I don't exactly have that many - and only one person who is truly close to me. She's had several relationships but she was always the dumper so she doesn't understand, even if she tries to. You're lucky to have a person like the guy you were describing.

[Yuzuki]

Sorry D-Lish, you posted while I was writing my reply so I hadn't seen it yet. But I definitely don't mind hearing other people's stories, so there's no need to say sorry.

 

Your thought process isn't ridiculous - honestly, I think all of us do similar things. As I said, I work with my ex (although not in the same building). He used to pass by my desk to ask me if I wanted to take a break with him. So I keep looking up whenever anyone enters the building (and that's a lot) hoping it would be him. But he never shows.

 

Also, whenever a conversation window flashes up on Office Communicator (it's like MSN, but for professional use), I'm hoping it'll be him. It never has been, and probably never will be.

 

It kind of drains you though, the whole hoping for something you know isn't going to happen. So I guess we should both try to get our minds off of it.

[D-Lish]

Sorry D-Lish, you posted while I was writing my reply so I hadn't seen it yet. But I definitely don't mind hearing other people's stories, so there's no need to say sorry.

 

Your thought process isn't ridiculous - honestly, I think all of us do similar things. As I said, I work with my ex (although not in the same building). He used to pass by my desk to ask me if I wanted to take a break with him. So I keep looking up whenever anyone enters the building (and that's a lot) hoping it would be him. But he never shows.

 

Also, whenever a conversation window flashes up on Office Communicator (it's like MSN, but for professional use), I'm hoping it'll be him. It never has been, and probably never will be.

 

It kind of drains you though, the whole hoping for something you know isn't going to happen. So I guess we should both try to get our minds off of it.

 

Easier said than done though right?

 

I thought going back on meds would help me be less obsessive, but it hasn't as of yet.

 

The bottom line is that I know you'll be okay, because I have been through this before and come out the other side. You will too.

[Yuzuki]

I just walked straight into him while attempting to avoid him by running off with a sandwich instead of having a hot meal at the canteen at work. I really, really hate this.

 

Yesterday I did go for the hot meal but I heard his voice and it killed me. Then now this. It's like my daily setback and I'm just not getting used to it.

[D-Lish]

I just walked straight into him while attempting to avoid him by running off with a sandwich instead of having a hot meal at the canteen at work. I really, really hate this.

 

Yesterday I did go for the hot meal but I heard his voice and it killed me. Then now this. It's like my daily setback and I'm just not getting used to it.

 

Can you change jobs? It's way easier to get over someone when there is no danger of running into them everyday.

[Yuzuki]

Can you change jobs? It's way easier to get over someone when there is no danger of running into them everyday.

I don't want to change jobs. I was already not too happy with the studies I picked and there aren't too many jobs in this domain that I like, but this one is a lot of fun. I don't want to give up the one job I enjoy doing because of this.

 

But damn... I feel like hell now. Very tempted to send him a message so we can take another break together and talk this afternoon (pretty sure he would accept if I asked, he wanted to be friends). I mean, he's so close... And he's all I want.

 

*sobs*

[ScienceGal]

Sounds like the guy didn't truly deserve you, but of course something like that is easy to say and it's not at all what you feel inside. Can you at least control when you will start crying, or does it just hit you randomly like it does for me every now and then?

 

I find it's really the worst if you have to stop whatever it is you are doing to hide from other people somewhere so you can cry. Makes me feel like I'm not in control of who I am and what I do anymore... very frustrating.

 

He definitely did not deserve me, but I have accepted that he will probably never realize that because he ego is too big. He's so full of himself.

 

I cannot always control it, but most of the time now I can. And it is random. I got back from the gym and felt great, but within 10 minutes I was sitting on the floor leaning against the bed and crying. It was pretty intense, but lasted for just a few minutes, then I picked myself up and went to do laundry. It really hurts, and it really will for a long time. But, I do know that it will get better for me, and I know it will get better for you too.

 

Try to maintain no contact as much as you can. I am so sorry you had to hear and see your ex! I have been there too though. I went to school with my first love, and there was no getting around seeing him. But, I am here now and 100% over him. Is there anything you can do to avoid your ex? Take lunch at a different time? Bring your own lunch? If there is anything, do it. You will get there. Just stay strong and keep posting here!