Recovering from an affair, keeping the friendship

[TurningTables]

Agreed.

 

You could set the boundary that the only way you'd consider continuing a "friendship" with her under the circumstances where she has been totally honest with her H and got everything out in the open and dealt with.

 

That's within th escope of your control.

 

 

Hello Owl. I really dont understand what you wrote. How can one person be friends with someone that they had a A with? Those feelings are still there. How can you just go back to being friends without falling back into the same routine? Does the OP really think that her spouse is going to let them be friends knowing they had an A? Or maybe Im reading this wrong? lol

[Owl]

Hello Owl. I really dont understand what you wrote. How can one person be friends with someone that they had a A with? Those feelings are still there. How can you just go back to being friends without falling back into the same routine? Does the OP really think that her spouse is going to let them be friends knowing they had an A? Or maybe Im reading this wrong? lol

 

If you go back and re-read my first post to the OP, you'll see that I do feel that no friendship can exist after an affair.

 

Bottom line...once you cross the line from friendship to affair...the friendship is over one way or another. It either escalates to a committed relationship between the two...or it ends because the married partner chooses the marriage.

 

The advice I gave to the OP about setting boundaries is intended to help him resolve the situation...and either lead their relationship to a "committed one" (because she chooses to end her M and frees herself to be with OP) or end the relationship (because she chooses to reconcile the marriage, and that will almost certainly result in her H insisting that all contact between OP and her end).

[MissBee]

I think a lot of us that have been in these situations, when they come to an end we struggle with the question of 'friends', there's love, caring, etc... we're all human regardless of the situations there are real feelings/emotions involved. So the question gets posed, or the idea is tossed out 'can we be friends given the current circumstances are creating too much conflict, chaos and hurt feelings'

 

I suppose the bigger question comes down to what is a friend? And what is love? To really be a friend and to really love someone means you have to find within yourself the ability to be selfless (vs. selfish). A selfless act for someone you love means you'll do something at the cost of your self. Many times this olive branch of 'friends' in these situations is driven by selfish not selfless needs and therefore it's not truly an offer of friendship but a design to keep something and mitigate/avoid loss.

 

If you truly had a friendship, and you truly love this person as a friend then you'll do the selfless thing and walk away. There's not a need for a lot of words either you're just doing what is right for both of you. Give it a few years (people hate that idea), be apart, don't communicate, only you'll know when the time is right to offer real friendship, it'll most likely occur the same day you realize you haven't thought about her in a long time.

 

Superb post!

 

I completely agree. I think one of the things that allowed me to have some semblance of respect for the guy I had an A with and made me believe he truly valued me as a person (although there was still selfishness involved), was the fact that he did leave me alone for a year and it allowed me to get over the situation and make room for more of a friendship to grow. He said he thought it best that he fell off the face of the earth and it hurt him and he thought of me everyday, but he knew he couldn't give me more and I deserved it, so he felt doing that was the right thing. It hurt like hell at the time and at the time I thought he was just an a-hole, but now, I realize it was THE BEST thing and showed more care.

[Circular]

I walked away from someone I loved immensely, my boyfriend and best friend of many years, 15 years ago. 20 months ago we reconnected, both with "friend" intentions. 2 months ago we ended for the last time an 18 month full-blown A (we're both married). So "give it a few years"...won't work...don't even try...15 is more than a few. Didn't work. Never will. Sometimes it's just better to dream and hope and wonder if you'll ever get the chance to talk to "that person" again, than know for sure it will never, ever happen again. Don't try to be friends. It will only hurt you more if you truly have real feelings for this unavailble person.

 

LinD

 

 

It's a question of boundaries isn't it? Knowing you can't and shouldn't go there. What 'a few years' does is help lessen/extinguish the emotional bond, it's not to say that teh emotional bond couldn't be reinstantiated like what happened with you. I'm actually a strong believer that 'once attracted, always attracted'. In all these situations boundaries were ignored, disregarded, etc... A few years down the road hopefully puts both people in a position to recognize there are boundaries and abide by them. That said, I'd also say there is a strong distinction between friends and lovers and many people talk about 'the friends we were once' and I think if they really pull it apart and dissect it they may find that they were actually never truly friends, that it was a transitory stage you passed through and it was mostly two people dancing around the elephant in the room.

 

I don't think you can be friends during the 'fix the marriage' phase. Again, I'm not even sure what 'friends' means in this context. How do you go from being lovers to friends in a matter of weeks? Even in normal relationships going from love to feeling indifferent about a relationship takes a long time as it's inherently human nature to adapt and tolerate and work things out to avoid failure.

 

Trying to 'be friends' and creating a artificial 'boundary' isn't real.. I tried that myself...both xMW and I. It's like anything artificial you can tell it's artificial, there's holding back, limiting disclosure, minding your words, 'uhh I should get back to work'... it feels like 'fake it til you make it' and it's a stupid tactic that leaves you more confused then before. Best thing is to walk away and refocus on your life, rebuilding your relationships, etc....cause 'friends' at this point is a disappointing and distracting game for both parties.

[TurningTables]

If you go back and re-read my first post to the OP, you'll see that I do feel that no friendship can exist after an affair.

 

 

 

The advice I gave to the OP about setting boundaries is intended to help him resolve the situation...and either lead their relationship to a "committed one" (because she chooses to end her M and frees herself to be with OP) or end the relationship (because she chooses to reconcile the marriage, and that will almost certainly result in her H insisting that all contact between OP and her end).

 

 

I gotcha!