becoming crazy ex gf, I need my dignity back, how do I get it back?

[singsparkles]

So i was with a guy for a year. We were together everyday. We did everything together, I did everything for him, I trusted him more than anyone...I broke up with him 6 months ago because he was becoming really distant and I became crazy texting him calling him and he would ignore me every day...Him ignoring me would only make me crazy and drive me to text and call him non stop and I dont know why I did it. After I would call and text him religiously, I would always start to feel bad about what I've done and always say sorry and that it will never happen again. But sure enough, every time he ignored me it would happen again and again. After we broke up we were still hanging out everyday like we were a couple, and I told him I wanted to be back together but he would always say "well we need space, we will be together in time we just both need to worry about ourselves and our lives right now" and he told me he wanted to get his life together with before we got together. So we were still hanging out and in June I find out via facebook that he had a girlfriend behind my back for a month (while still seeing me) I found out on her facebook, she had his name in one of her statuses talking about how they were together.He tried to hide it from me because he had no evidence on his facebook. My heart sunk so deep when I saw what I saw I couldnt believe he could do such a thing to me, I was CRUSHED. I thought he truly loved me. So I told him I knew about what he was doing behind my back and how I found out, and he told me that he was only with her because I was too crazy and I needed to change and relax and then we could be together... but I couldnt relax, after I found that out I only became more crazy and last night I went to his house and he came and talked to me in my car, everything was great and we had such a great conversation and things felt like normal. and then he said "I want to spend a night together, but not tonight, I'm gonna go to bed" and I became crazy asking him why he didnt want to spend the night with me and he replied "I'm just tired, I wanna go to bed" and I kept asking why I wasnt good enough for him and kept telling him I felt like no matter what I do its never enough. I made myself look crazy I chased him into his house and while he was closing the door I was pushing it open trying to get in his house and he told he he was gonna call the cops... right now I feel so crazy like this person isn't even me I truly dont know how I let myself get this far.. So I ended up leaving his house eventually after acting crazy and after all the drama he TEXTS ME telling me he wants to do something sexual (talk about mood swings) and I told him to stop texting me and leading me on because his mood swings and mixed emotions are driving me crazy and I'm dumb for letting him control my emotions and I'm stupid for allowing him to get me this deep in and act this crazy... I feel like I want to stop talking to him and I want to move on, but its hard because I will stop talking to him for a few days and he will draw me right back in, and then proceed to tell me hes not leaving her and hes happy with her. Then I ask him if he loves me, and he says "I do" and I told him that if he cares he would leave me alone and stop playing with my heart if he wants to be with her and to leave me alone. I dont get it. Its like he doesnt want me, but wont let me go and its driving me crazy. I feel like my self worth is shot and I dont know how to get it back. I keep blaming myself for being crazy when we were together and thinking maybe if I relaxed and trusted him the whole time we would be together today. But everyone else tells me that he wasnt right for me and he never treated me right and I need to let it go. His phone is in my name because he has bad credit and at this point I cant even bring myself to turn the phone off because I know no one else will help him and he wont have a phone and I wont be able to talk to him. What is wrong with me? I know I truly need to let go, but why is this eating at me so much? Why do I keep putting myself down and feeling so self worthless just because he wanted someone else and not me? I sit and think about the two of them together and I get so sick to my stomache I have made myself vommit. I need a way out of this sanity. I want the old me back. I want to live again and not worry about this and experience life again. I'm so depressed and all I think about is this and it drives me to the point of insanity. I just dont know how to get my dignity back, I feel like its so far gone and I feel soooo down on myself for acting the way I have.

[Star Gazer]

PARAGRAPHS, please? You'll get way more responses if you make your opening post READABLE.

[Buttercup84]

I'm so sorry you are going through this . You are not crazy , he was ignoring you so of course you panicked and held tighter to him . My ex became distant and I went crazy , I just can't do nc . So we have all been there . He sounds like a jerk for being like that and then lying to you . Don't be embarrassed , you are only human x

[vsmini]

I too turned into a lunatic after being dumped by a guy I dated for just over 18months. I was devastated and engaged in the most pathetic, dignity reducing behavior I have ever taken part in.

 

It was like I was another person....only I wasn't....I take full responsibility for my crazy "please stay with me!!!!" actions and that's what I regret the most. The fact that I gave that douchebag a great year and a half and then when he decided to end it I became a complete mess. If he had any doubts about breaking up with me I am sure my crazy behavior made him feel like he made the right choice. So embarassing. I want to slap myself.

 

Get your dignity back by going complete NC. People told me this when I was knee-deep in my crazy but I didn't listen and I wish I would have. I'm NC now but I doubt that really matters - I'm sure the guy is glad I'm NC now so I can't bother him anymore.

 

The last contact we had, ironically enough was over Christmas when he called me to wish me a happy Christmas and he started to talk about something else but I hung up on him.

 

Ooooph. Bad memories.

 

NC honey - it's the only way.

[stillafool]

The only way to get your dignity back is to go complete, HARD, No Contact for at least 3 months. That means blocking everyway that he/you can contact each other. Just make up your mind you are through with this Sh$T. He will not leave the other girl alone and he will continue to have sex with you also as long as he thinks you will put out. Yes, disconnect the phone and let his NEW GIRLFRIEND figure out how to get it turned back on for him. It is not your business to worry about. He will continue to play with your head and use your body as long as you continue to allow it. Put an end to it TODAY!

[poorguy]

Agreed...total NC

Edited August 18, 2011 by poorguy

[Dblock10]

no contact. delete him from your life.

 

right now you dont love him, you are obsessed. obsessions can be addictions, you need to forget him and move on. he has a gf.. you cant keep hurting yourself

[lovesickmonkey]

Yes, the rest of the Loveshackers are correct. No contact any more. And turn off the phone service. He's a big boy and will eventually find out how to get another phone. And I have to recommend the book, "Getting Past Your Breakup" because the author sounds like she was very much like you. You should read it to learn a lot about yourself. And yes, this man would like to string you along for sex. Having multiple partners is boosting his fragile ego and from what you're saying he's like to keep you around ONLY for that. In short: NO CONTACT unless you want to go through life with a "kick me" sign on your back, cancel the phone, read the book.

[singsparkles]

Thank you all for the responses. It means a lot and its comforting to know I'm not the only one who's been through this.

 

@Buttercup- thank you so much for the understanding. I dont think we're crazy, maybe we just allow ourselves to be put in situations that we act crazy in and we should be smart enough to get out. Picking the wrong men sucks.

 

@Vsmini- I'm sorry you went through the same thing. I feel the same way.... and I take full responsibility for my craziness. It is very embarassing and you are right, NC is the only way to make anything better at this point. I'm def going to take your advice. And as for how you hung up on him at Christmas, maybe that was for the best! He didn't deserve you anyway:p

 

@stillafool- Thank you for the advice. I think you are right...he will continue to use me if I dont put my foot down now. NC is the only way and I need to block him out of my life in every way possible to get my dignity back at this point.

 

@Dblock- you are probably right...I did love him at one point, I loved everything about him, I loved being around him but at one point down the line the trust was broken and yes it did turn into obsession and turned into me wanting to change him into something I thought he was unfortunately...NC is honestly the only way I see things getting better now.

 

 

I guess all in all, I just have to delete his number out of my phone and cut it off completely. Its going to be painful and moving on is hard and heartbreaks arent easy, but I know its only going to get worse if I dont stop now. I need to care about myself and my dignity at this point! Thank you all for your help, sometimes its just nice to hear anothers point of view when you're so low and in the slumps, sometimes you just need a helping hand to realize what inside you already realized already. I know it'll get better, and everyone deserves to be happy and deserves the best. No one should allow themselves to get treated like I've done and it's only made me crazier for letting him treat me like this; All I have is myself to blame. And I just have to start being smarter and leaving it in the past. Time to move on. Hopefully he doesn't call or text me in the next couple weeks; I have a feeling he will. I am going to have to remain strong and ignore it even if I have the urge to talk to him. Gotta be strong.

[singsparkles]

@lovesickmoney- Thanks for the reply. What author is the book by? I've thought about that a million times. I truly think he has an ego problem and he only keeps me around for the pure reason to make himself feel better. And thats why no matter how I try to push him to leave me alone and to say he doesn't care, he won't. Because he wants me there when he wants me. And thats it. He doesn't want me if I want him. He has told me before that if I give him space maybe he will miss me and maybe he will want me back. But I feel like everything is on his terms and he only wants things when it's right for him, he's a selfish person. You're right...I seem like such a pushover how I still see him after everything he has done...I truly need to find a backbone now before it's tooo late and go no contact cold turkey. I am def going to start doing that starting today!!

[Queen of Hearts 10]

So there we have it the strong ones here say do NC !

 

I'm weak and still calling but it just went bad on Tuesday. He is going to her

 

nothing we can do to stop them. I keep calling and texting him !

 

So brave ones how do you tolerate the Silence and the ignoring us. My

 

pain enduring it !!! help !

[singsparkles]

aww queenofhearts, we're going through the same thing! Lol. I know its hard, all we do is just sit there and want to talk to them. We hope they talk to us and if they don't we just want to give in and talk to them. Its so hard because its on our minds, but I think what we have to do is just think the right way. Our minds are the most powerful muscle in our body. And we have to train our minds to think differently. I'm trying to do so with my own mind right now.

 

we have to think that if they aren't contacting us, they don't know our worth and thats their loss. In the end its crazy but we know if we didn't contact them they would probably contact us. But really, do we even want a person like this or is it just obsession? Thats what we need to ask ourselves.

 

If he is with another girl, thats his loss.... Your biggest revenge is just to not talk to him, and then he will start wondering why he lost all of your attention and what HE did wrong. Just give it time. And if he doesn't ever realize...then so what. Atleast you have your dignity!

 

When you feel like you want to text him you should go to talk to someone or do something to get your mind off of it. Do something nice for yourself and treat yourself. He's not anything special...trust me nobody is worth all that time and energy in reality. Hes just another person in this big world.

 

I know it'll be painful in the beginning and you will have the urge to talk to him or to make him feel differently, but even so in reality if you do that you are only pushing him away further. Its best to just leave it alone and care about yourself. Even if he was to contact you back...chances are he only will contact you back when you stop contacting him.

 

So just stop contacting him...give it time...Maybe he will end up contacting you...and if not, hopefully you will be strong at that point after not contacting him for awhile and you will learn to live without him and realize it's not a loss at all, and you will find somebody new.... So just stay strong and don't contact him!!!! I'm going to do the same! NC!!!

[lovesickmonkey]

The author is Susan J. Elliot. She teaches us how to demand more for ourselves. And how to be complete ON OUR OWN. It's really good.

[radiodarcy]

hey singsparkles, i know just how you feel. i was in pretty much the same position as you. it started out as dating but deteriorated into a a friends with benefits situation that lasted 2.5 years.

 

but i loved him and wanted a relationship. he told me he didn't feel the same but that he cared about me. he also told me he wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone and he didn't think he ever would be.

 

but he was my first love, my first kiss - - my first everything. so i just couldn't bring myself to see the situation for what it was. i thought if i hung in there he would see how much he loved me and then overtime, when he was ready for a relationship, we could be a couple. but i was kidding myself because he still continued to talk to/hang out with other girls. the only time i saw him was when we had sex.

 

i'm embarrassed to say i put myself through all the pain as long as i did and that i wasn't the one who cut it off - - he did.he said he didn't want to do the benefits anymore that he just wanted to be friends. oh and that he was ready for a relationship - - only not with me. he was joining a dating website to find the one. wow. did that hurt. a LOT. talk about not feeling good enough!

 

soon after that, i cut off the friendship altogether and went NC. i just could not stand by and watch him give the relationship i wanted to have with him to someone else. it was at that point that i knew i needed do what i could to get my dignity back.

 

of course, going NC was *not* easy and i cried every night for weeks afterwards. but overtime i started to feel much better. i do still love him and even though there are times when i still really miss him; i know better than to reach out. i'd rather hang onto to my dignity than him

[stillafool]

So there we have it the strong ones here say do NC !

 

I'm weak and still calling but it just went bad on Tuesday. He is going to her

 

nothing we can do to stop them. I keep calling and texting him !

 

So brave ones how do you tolerate the Silence and the ignoring us. My

 

pain enduring it !!! help !

 

By staying as busy as you can, improving yourself (work out, school, etc.), spending time with family and friends and working hard as hell.

Prayer has always helped me through these rough times. Also just getting angry at being treated like a piece of dirt and everytime my mind would get weak I kept bringing to my mind how horrible I was treated. That alone kept me on track with NC.

[SugarLily]

Honey - let me tell you something . . .

 

THIS GUY IS NOT 'THE ONE'.

 

You know why? Because he's a textbook wanker. And there are a million other wankers out there just like him.

 

You are a beautiful person - and you are not going to marry a textbook wanker.

 

It doesn't matter who he's with, or what he's doing.

 

 

People treat you the way you let them treat you.

 

Cut off his phone asap.

 

He's not your problem anymore.

 

Inititate no contact NOW. Cut him out of your life.

 

This mother****er just wants easy sex. He's manipulating and using you while 'being in a relationship' with some other poor girl.

 

You should pity her.

 

You have no future with this ass***e (thank God!) and that's something that you need to celebrate!

 

One day when you're crazy in love with Mr Right - you'll look back on this loser and laugh.

 

Because he is a joke.

 

Now is the time to be selfish - focus on YOU and what you want to achieve in life. Prioritise yourself.

 

Get fit, eat healthy, take vitamins, socialise more! ENJOY life!

 

Stop wasting your time even thinking about this twat.

 

He's not the one for you (or anyone!).

 

x x x

Edited August 19, 2011 by SugarLily

[Queen of Hearts 10]

On of my favorite books is from the Bible. So all of you atheist

hide your eyes so they don't get hurt by this quote !!

 

Song of Songs

 

Love is as strong as death,

its jealousy unyielding as the grave

it burns like blazing fires, like a mighty flame

Many waters cannot quench love;

rivers cannot wash it away.

 

These bad boys give us nothing in return but pain ! We don't need there

replies or excuses ! I'm getting to my place of letting go~~~~

 

Thank you for your Help ! Queen of Broken Hearts

[california15]

I was there too with a previous relationship.

 

You text a million times, almost having a conversation with yourself, only to look crazy going from normal, to angry, to apologizing.

 

But seriously, how hard is to respond to a text message!? If he was really that pressed for time, he could text you while peeing. "Hey sorry I'm really busy today, but let me get back to you later" OR SOMETHING to acknowledge that he's getting your texts and does want to talk to you later. Really its like 15 seconds bro. (Read: he's not that into you, and doesn't give 2 sh**s about you, your time, or your feelings.)

 

I think we've all been there once or twice. Don't be so hard on yourself. But to reiterate what everyone else said:

1) NC is the only way to get your dignity back. Its hard but its worth it. Your dignity and self esteem are worth it.

2) Cut off his phone. You'll feel so much better after that. Lose the excuses to still be in touch with him. He's not your responsibility anymore, and neither is his phone situation.

3) You deserve so much more and he really is not worth your time.

Edited August 19, 2011 by california15

[singsparkles]

RADIODARCY- It does sound like our situations are exactly the same! I think the problem is we choose guys with issues who don't know what they want, and it's not us, no one or nothing will ever be good enough for them, when the "new" feeling is gone they will keep chasing another "new" feeling and it will keep going on probably for the rest of their lives. So you went NC? How long have you been NC now? Are you feeling better? I hope you are feeling strong and thinking of all the reasons why he is no good every time you try to talk to him. I noticed in the past couple days, before I was only looking at the good that happened between us and overlooking ALL the bad things he did to me, and that was the problem. I think it has helped me a lot to focus on all the things he did wrong and on the fact that he doesn't deserve me. You should do the same! Hope you're being strong and doing great for yourself!

 

 

 

SUGARLILY- You're post made me smile!! What a good mind set you have, can I steal it?? lol. You are totally right, I know he is not the one, and you are right, there are a million others in the world who are like him, he is not unique, so I don't know why I waste my time and I'm DONE! I refuse to let him treat me this way anymore and I have to change myself and my mind set and realize I deserve better and stop putting myself in these horrible situations. I will start celebrating now!! It is a great thing that I have no future with him, and I will remain remembering that every time I feel weak. I'm definitely going to start going to the gym. I have a membership but haven't used it- time to use it! It does feel great to work on yourself after a break up and get selfish, even if its hard, it will all be worth it in the end!!! Thank you so much for your wonderful reply! I think all of us should think just like you do!

 

 

CALIFORNIA15- Wow!!!!! I thought I was the only one!! He was calling me bi polar because he would ignore me, then I would send a million texts, then I would say sorry because I felt bad about it, then I'd get angry he wouldn't even text back to that. Its such a bad cycle that we put ourselves in, and they are just not the right ones for us, yet we put so much time and energy into them and WE ourselves drive ourselves crazy by doing it! We do it to ourselves and we need to stop!!! It is not us, it is them. I thought the same thing, if he's busy he could atleast say something to the extent of just being busy. But he never would, he was just a jerk and a lost cause and he will never change, guys like that will never change. I honestly think it's a maturity thing to be honest. If someone can tell you they care, then ignore you 24/7, something is wrong with THEM and they need to get their issues fixed! We need to be done trying to understand them and help them!

So have you been NC? I hope so! I started 2 days ago and I rfuse to break it! Us women need to stay strong! we need to put an end to it all today and stop driving ourselves to the point of insanity and allow ourselves to be happy instead of miserable! There are sooo many other fish in the sea, and although it doesnt seem that way right now, it's because our minds are not completely right and we need to get over a bad relationship and care about ourselves and our lives so we are able to think positively and see the light- and that will only attract good men to us! I'm thinking NC and doing great things for myself are the only way.

[radiodarcy]

RADIODARCY- It does sound like our situations are exactly the same! I think the problem is we choose guys with issues who don't know what they want, and it's not us, no one or nothing will ever be good enough for them, when the "new" feeling is gone they will keep chasing another "new" feeling and it will keep going on probably for the rest of their lives. So you went NC? How long have you been NC now? Are you feeling better? I hope you are feeling strong and thinking of all the reasons why he is no good every time you try to talk to him. I noticed in the past couple days, before I was only looking at the good that happened between us and overlooking ALL the bad things he did to me, and that was the problem. I think it has helped me a lot to focus on all the things he did wrong and on the fact that he doesn't deserve me. You should do the same! Hope you're being strong and doing great for yourself!

 

thanks SingSparkles! you are totally right about our exes being the kind of person who enjoys the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship. but when the relationship starts getting too real - - i.e. we start to have expectation of them, then it's not fun anymore and they get antsy and start looking for their next "fix". sad really. my ex is 36. you'd think he'd have started working on his issues by now.

 

i've been NC for 5.5 months now. and i feel soo much better. i still have my moments but for the most part i am doing so much better now than i was when i was in contact with him.

 

thinking abt the bad times actually helped me stick to NC. and in my case, the bad really outweighed the good. so it wasn't too hard to do. i know it's not a good idea to dwell on the negative. but it can be a good motivator.

it's only recently that i've allowed myself to remember the good. which makes me happy and sad (because he really did have his moments) but now i see things in a more realistic light.

 

one of the things you might want to try is making a list of all the bad things about the way your ex treated you. that's what i did. not only is it therapeutic; but seeing everything written down in black and white really makes you see the reality of the situation and what kind of person you're dealing with. and it sounds like you already know that which will go a long way towards helping you heal

 

a lot of times i'll see people in the same situation who are in total denial and will grasp at any fray of hope. i was one of them. it took me 2.5 years and him dumping me to come to my sense. so it's good you're seeing this early on. good luck! we're all pulling for you!