Butterflying Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I'm dating a guy, his boss is a female, she's single and very attractive. They spend all day at work together, and most of their evenings together as well. He goes on business trips at least once a week. She usually accompanies him, especially to New York because that's her favorite city. Well she books their trips a day early so they'll have time to go site seeing, hiking, or whatever. And then when he's not traveling, he takes her to concerts, movies, dinners, lunch, on the weekends too. So there is very little time for he and I to date. The biggest kicker is.... when he's with her, he doesn't contact me, at all. He also hasn't told her about the relationship with me because he is afraid she will be jealous and make his work life miserable. But the times I do see him, she always calls or emails. And he always answers and responds to her. Of course he lies and tells her he's doing something else instead of hanging out with his girlfriend. When I mentioned this to him, he told me I was just being insecure (and he hates insecure women). Am I insecure??? Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 No. Launch. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 Um, no, you're not being insecure. His "boss" is his other girlfriend. At least, that's how he's behaving. They're basically dating... Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 I'm dating a guy, his boss is a female, she's single and very attractive. They spend all day at work together, and most of their evenings together as well. He goes on business trips at least once a week. She usually accompanies him, especially to New York because that's her favorite city. Well she books their trips a day early so they'll have time to go site seeing, hiking, or whatever. And then when he's not traveling, he takes her to concerts, movies, dinners, lunch, on the weekends too. So there is very little time for he and I to date. The biggest kicker is.... when he's with her, he doesn't contact me, at all. He also hasn't told her about the relationship with me because he is afraid she will be jealous and make his work life miserable. But the times I do see him, she always calls or emails. And he always answers and responds to her. Of course he lies and tells her he's doing something else instead of hanging out with his girlfriend. When I mentioned this to him, he told me I was just being insecure (and he hates insecure women). Am I insecure??? Uh this guy is actually cheating on you? Don't you see that? Read what you just posted. I think you should drop him and find someone else. He doesn't have a problem with insecure women, he just wants a woman who will put up with his disrespect. You deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Nexus One Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 You have good reason to suspect something here in my opinion. Red flags all over the place. No proof yet, but you can't be blamed for noticing those red flags. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 It does not sound like insecurity. If you were insecure you would have gone crazy a long time ago. If what you posted is accurate there is a good chance these two are having a fling. Link to post Share on other sites
True2form Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 OH MY GOD - RUN. I would tell you, quite honestly if you were being insecure and pathetic but this has put all the read flags up. How dare he thing he can have his cake and eat it. Seriously get out of there. He'll try and say all sorts - probably manipulative things too by the sounds of it; but turn your back and go at least it will teach him some sort of a lesson. Link to post Share on other sites
sm1tten Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 This guy and his boss have some serious boundary issues. I'd let someone else deal with this mess. No, you're not insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterflying Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 This is really so difficult because she's his boss. I can't even make the ultimatum for him to stop seeing her. I just can't believe neither of them are worried about their jobs, other colleagues, favortism, or how this looks for their company. Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 This is really so difficult because she's his boss. I can't even make the ultimatum for him to stop seeing her. You can but it won't stop a cheater from cheating. You can't control him. But then again you don't have to put up with this and you can drop him and maintain NC. I just can't believe neither of them are worried about their jobs, other colleagues, favortism, or how this looks for their company. Of course they aren't worried, because they don't care. They're cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
kiss_andmakeup Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 This is really so difficult because she's his boss. I can't even make the ultimatum for him to stop seeing her. I just can't believe neither of them are worried about their jobs, other colleagues, favortism, or how this looks for their company. Don't make an ultimatum for him to stop seeing her. Just stop seeing him. I mean really, what you described is ridiculous. To me it sounds like, in actuality, she is his girlfriend and you are just someone to pass the time with when she's unavailable. You're not insecure unless you stay with him. Only a person low self esteem would continue to put up with this garbage. Link to post Share on other sites
sm1tten Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 How long have you been dating? He needs to start re-establishing more professional boundaries, pronto. He doesn't need to discuss you with her, for example, but he shouldn't be spending time with her that isn't work-related. He shouldn't be taking her calls outside of work unless they are emergencies, nor should he be going incommunicado when he's with her. But the fact that instead of acknowledging that this is a problem, he turned it around on YOU and called you insecure -- suggests to me that he's perfectly happy with the way things are. Link to post Share on other sites
YeahDotDotDot Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 I would have to say that you do sound insecure because you have allowed this to go on. Not trying to be cruel, but you shouldn't accept anything like this. Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 Back away from this fuc*ery as quickly as possible. You don't want to be in the middle of this mess. Meet a man that isn't trying to play foolish games. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterflying Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 He just makes me question myself because he's like "She's my boss!!!! Do you want me to quit my job?" He makes it seem like he has to do extra stuff with her beyond work or she might fire him or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Ddeepprreesseedd Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 (edited) This is really so difficult because she's his boss. This is a lie: she might be his boss, but she is his girlfriend too. I've never seen ANYBODY having to do this much for their boss. And I've been in a business world for a while now. If he didn't like it he wouldn't do it. I tell you this because I want the best for you: Don't be his doormat. Don't be his sex toy (he doesn't get that from the boss but he gets all emotional stuff from her). You are worthy of love and that's not what this guy is offering to you. Be smarter and LEAVE. Edited August 19, 2011 by Ddeepprreesseedd Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 Don't make an ultimatum for him to stop seeing her. Just stop seeing him. I mean really, what you described is ridiculous. To me it sounds like, in actuality, she is his girlfriend and you are just someone to pass the time with when she's unavailable. You're not insecure unless you stay with him. Only a person low self esteem would continue to put up with this garbage. I agree with this! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterflying Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 What if they are just really good friends?? I know you might think I'm crazy but I'm just trying to be as rational as possible. We all would loooove to have a cool boss that shares our hobbies. Work would be easier working with a friend. I guess the problem here is that he's being dishonest with her, and sometimes not telling the whole truth about her unless I ask. Like he leaves out certain details. To him, that's not actually lying. If she's a cool boss and a friend, she should be happy to know he has a girlfriend. And every time she calls when I'm with him, he will complain.."Gosh I will be so glad when she gets a boyfriend so she can leave me alone. She needs to get a life." But he'll answer the phone and be cordial and friendly with her. He'll tell her that he's at home resting and not in the mood to go out. But he won't say he's with me. So she once invited herself to come over and he told her he wasn't in the mood for company either. So she just let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 The friendship wouldn't bother me as much as him lying to her about having a gf. The fact that he even justifies it with her supposed jealousy is such a red flag. It's saying he cares more about how she feels than he does about legitimizing your relationship. If she's truly only a friend, why do you need to be a secret? Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 What if they are just really good friends?? I know you might think I'm crazy but I'm just trying to be as rational as possible. We all would loooove to have a cool boss that shares our hobbies. Work would be easier working with a friend. I guess the problem here is that he's being dishonest with her, and sometimes not telling the whole truth about her unless I ask. Like he leaves out certain details. To him, that's not actually lying. If she's a cool boss and a friend, she should be happy to know he has a girlfriend. And every time she calls when I'm with him, he will complain.."Gosh I will be so glad when she gets a boyfriend so she can leave me alone. She needs to get a life." But he'll answer the phone and be cordial and friendly with her. He'll tell her that he's at home resting and not in the mood to go out. But he won't say he's with me. So she once invited herself to come over and he told her he wasn't in the mood for company either. So she just let it go. Even in the best case scenario that they really are only friends and he's not playing you both, WHY would you even deal with such a situation? I can't imagine that this guy would be remotely amazing enough to make all of this worthwhile...relationships shouldn't be hard...and if they are, then there's a problem and you really need to reassess what you're doing... LAUNCH. Link to post Share on other sites
TuffCookieX Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 You don't go hiking and sightseeing with your boss. That's his girlfriend who also just so happens to be a higher-up at the work place. You're probably just some "dumb b*tch" (his terms) he chills with to see what he can get away with. When he has sex with her, you probably don't even cross his mind. Sorry, harsh. But most likely true. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 I'm gonna say the opposite of everyone else here. What business is he in? Is he in some kind of sales? It sounds like sales. When one is in sales they have to take clients out and smooze them. While he is on these trips with his boss is that what he's doing? Do those extra little things just involve the two of them or are their business contacts with them. In the good old days when the good old boys would go and play golf it was 3/10 fun and 7/10 smoozeing, kissing @$$, etc to get business (Watch an episode of Bewitched...(or "mad Men") Mc Mahon and Tate closed deals over cocktails with the clients. It's still done that way.) Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 I'm gonna say the opposite of everyone else here. What business is he in? Is he in some kind of sales? It sounds like sales. When one is in sales they have to take clients out and smooze them. While he is on these trips with his boss is that what he's doing? Do those extra little things just involve the two of them or are their business contacts with them. In the good old days when the good old boys would go and play golf it was 3/10 fun and 7/10 smoozeing, kissing @$$, etc to get business (Watch an episode of Bewitched...(or "mad Men") Mc Mahon and Tate closed deals over cocktails with the clients. It's still done that way.) Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 I'm gonna say the opposite of everyone else here. What business is he in? Is he in some kind of sales? It sounds like sales. When one is in sales they have to take clients out and smooze them. While he is on these trips with his boss is that what he's doing? Do those extra little things just involve the two of them or are their business contacts with them. In the good old days when the good old boys would go and play golf it was 3/10 fun and 7/10 smoozeing, kissing @$$, etc to get business (Watch an episode of Bewitched...(or "mad Men") Mc Mahon and Tate closed deals over cocktails with the clients. It's still done that way.) Not a great example as the all the Bosses were banging their subordinates... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterflying Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 (edited) Mad Men Not a great example as the all the Bosses were banging their subordinates... Ha ha!!! I agree (one of my favorite shows). But I understand the point. Yes he is in a type of sales industry where they close a lot of deals over cocktails and beers. These are all PhD's and professors (quite boring bunch of people). However, his boss is in charge of a small group (team) of about six men including my BF. A few of them are married. Others in relationships. One I know for sure is single. They call call him the ladies man because he has a different girl in every city. That guy is the most handsome, charming, ect. The boss is the only female amongst them. And it seems my BF is the only man she spends time with one on one. Funny thing too, my BF recently introduced me to two of his colleauges...but they are under strict advisement to keep that a secret from the boss. The colleagues didn't give me the impression that he has a relationship with the boss; but they agreed that she would not be happy if she found out. All the smoozing with other companies takes place during the week...obviously it's work related. They go out in groups and stay until late nights. My BF feels special because he is the only one the boss favors over everyone else. If it matters, she has known him longer than I have. He has been with the company six years. We've only been dating six months. I assume if he really cared about her, he never should have started a relationship with me. Why would he get me involved if he's already involved? Edited August 19, 2011 by Butterflying Link to post Share on other sites
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