so cliche

[geejayess]

I feel like I am living in a corny Lifetime movie. I have been involved with a man for three years this Sept. We started out just sexual- there was an instant attraction. I knew he had a girlfriend but I didn't care, since I didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone at the time (I had been separated for three years, soon to be divorced) Gradually our sexual relationship grew into a friendship. And his girlfriend became the mother of his child. For a while we stopped the intimate contact, and just were good friends. WE could talk about anything, I would tell him about dates that I went on, he would tell me about his home life.

But we missed being together so we started the intimacy again. I knew that it was wrong, I have been on the other end of an cheating spouse, I know what it feels like to be the betrayed wife. I have tried to have NC with him, but it is hard (he works in my neighborhood and I see him every morning when I put my son on the school bus.) Several times we have gone months without seeing each other but once we get around each other our feelings and libidos just take over.

I found out that in the time that we have known each other, he got married. When I confronted him, he said he didn't know how to tell me, and he didn't want to hurt me. But of course I was hurt- one of the first things I had told him was that I couldn't take being lied to (my ex-husband lied to me repeatedly), just tell me the truth of things, no matter how hard a truth it is.

Again I intended to have NC with him, but I missed him terribly so it was hard for me to stay away from him. I had become very used to his company, talking with him, sharing my life with him. He respected my wishes, he stayed away, didn't call me or stop by my place. Even though my mother asked about him, and my children wondered why he wasn't coming by anymore I stayed away from him for 4 months. We would see each other in passing, but for so long I was angry that I could barely speak to him, once the anger passed I was at least civil.

He did finally apologize and told me that he wanted to tell me but he knew it wouldn't go over easy. Apparently he felt like he "had to get married to make sure his daughter stayed in this country"- his wife is from another country and has threatened to take their daughter to her home country if they break up. I believe him, because I know some of the things his wife is capable of- she knows of me and has made up lies about me to get him to stop seeing me, so I wouldn't put it past her to say something like that.

Of course, eventually, we have started seeing each other again. He tells me now that he loves me, and I believe him. I can see it, my mother can see it, and because he's never said it before, even when I asked him to- he said it would make things too complicated if he said it. He has told his parents about me (he had to because of the ruckus his wife caused when she lied and told him that I contacted her (I didn't)) and he seems resolved to stay in his marriage, but he says he can't stay away from me.

I have asked him to stay away, but I am weak when it comes to this man. Also there is a part of me that feels like I should grasp what happiness I can when I see him- nothing is promised to us, so I should enjoy what I have with him while I have it.

I find myself jealous of his home life, even though he says that he isn't happy at home and he doesn't care if his wife is angry or not anymore. This weekend he is going on vacation with her and I have resolved to tell him that I won't see him again, and that if he comes by again I WILL tell her. I can't think of anything else that would get him to stay away- and truthfully I don't want him to stay away, I want him with me as much as I can have him. But I am at my wits end to finish this thing. I feel like it has gone on long enough and I just don't see anyway for me to win in this situation. I've been 'single' for so long (separated in 05 divorced in 09) and I want to have a man in my life, for real! I want to be able to spend nights with him, go on dates with him, talk to my sisters (who are married) and bring him with me to family events.

What do you think LSers? You've been here before, is this the point that you gave it up?

[whichwayisup]

This man has a baby with his girlfriend. He's LIED to you over and over again and now is married. And lied to you about that! And you trust him???????

 

I'm calling bullcrap on his now wife making stuff up. So what if she made stuff up about you two? You are messing with her husband, recent past boyfriend. He WILLINGLY married her. He's lying and omitting truths to you.

 

Anyway, let go of this guy. You know what it's like to be cheated upon so I'm having trouble understanding why you feel it's okay to do that to someone else. I'm sure he's made himself out to be the poor victim and you're falling for it.

 

The choice is yours. Just keep in mind that IF you two DO get together, his wife WILL be in your lives forever because of their child. You prepared to play step mom to a child that isn't yours, and the fact you seem resentful, almost hateful towards his wife isn't good either. She's fighting for her family and has every right to do! Plus, you have NO idea what he is telling her about you. This guy is a liar , you know this firsthand too.

[bentnotbroken]

This man has a baby with his girlfriend. He's LIED to you over and over again and now is married. And lied to you about that! And you trust him???????

 

I'm calling bullcrap on his now wife making stuff up. So what if she made stuff up about you two? You are messing with her husband, recent past boyfriend. He WILLINGLY married her. He's lying and omitting truths to you.

 

Anyway, let go of this guy. You know what it's like to be cheated upon so I'm having trouble understanding why you feel it's okay to do that to someone else. I'm sure he's made himself out to be the poor victim and you're falling for it.

 

The choice is yours. Just keep in mind that IF you two DO get together, his wife WILL be in your lives forever because of their child. You prepared to play step mom to a child that isn't yours, and the fact you seem resentful, almost hateful towards his wife isn't good either. She's fighting for her family and has every right to do! Plus, you have NO idea what he is telling her about you. This guy is a liar , you know this firsthand too.

 

 

Very resentful. You do deserve happiness, just not at someone else's expense. If she lied about you, didn't you bring that on yourself. I would say you are even. You didn't care about her life, why should she care about yours? You wouldn't put it past her to lie:rolleyes:Wow.

[fooled once]

He's so unhappy he is going on vacation with his wife

 

And you act like his WIFE should just deal with the fact that he is sleeping with you.

 

He married her. He has a child with her. He has told you he isn't leaving and wants to keep you as his side piece.

 

Why can't you just tell him to not contact you anymore? Why do you have to threaten him? Does he have so little respect for you that he won't honor what you request? Or are you going to use NC as a game...to see if he will chase you and convince you to remain his secret lover?

 

So your mom knows he has a wife and child and yet you and he are sneaking around and she is okay with this? She knows he lied to you? I can't imagine my mom being okay and accepting of the MM if that was my life. I can't imagine your mom is happy you are a mistress . I know I would want much more for my daughter, like for her to be respected and not just be some guys mistress.

 

If you really want your own man/monogamous relationship, you will end the affair now.

[geejayess]

....not sure where this "resentful" part comes in. It may sound insane, but I don't get involved in his marriage- I don't call him when he is at home, I haven't ever told him to leave her. His wife lied to him and told him that I contacted her when I had no way to do that. And I had no reason to do that- like I said I see him almost every day.

 

I've been trying to get him to stay away from me, not take him away from her. I do love him, but not at the expense of him losing his family. I am not trying to be a home wrecker.

 

And no, I don't see how I brought her lying about me on myself. How does that work? It serves no purpose but to make me out to be the bad guy, and that is not what I have been.

[geejayess]

He's so unhappy he is going on vacation with his wife

 

So your mom knows he has a wife and child and yet you and he are sneaking around and she is okay with this? She knows he lied to you? I can't imagine my mom being okay and accepting of the MM if that was my life. I can't imagine your mom is happy you are a mistress . I know I would want much more for my daughter, like for her to be respected and not just be some guys mistress.

 

If you really want your own man/monogamous relationship, you will end the affair now.

 

 

 

My mom, bless her heart, is apparently oblivious as to just how close we are. I have tried to talk to her about it, like I said before, she asks where is he when he doesn't come around. She's heard him talk about his family. She knows that we are close and she has said before if he wasn't married he would make a good man for me.

 

Now I don't know if it is because she doesn't want to believe her daughter is capable of being with a married man or maybe I am more careful than I thought, but she isn't "happy with me being some guys mistress." She wants me to be happy, she knows how hard it is for me, raising two children alone without someone special in my life, so when she sees how he makes me laugh, and how he cares for me, I guess to her that is all that matters. He makes me happy.

[Angelina527]

....not sure where this "resentful" part comes in. It may sound insane, but I don't get involved in his marriage- I don't call him when he is at home, I haven't ever told him to leave her. His wife lied to him and told him that I contacted her when I had no way to do that. And I had no reason to do that- like I said I see him almost every day.

 

I've been trying to get him to stay away from me, not take him away from her. I do love him, but not at the expense of him losing his family. I am not trying to be a home wrecker.

 

And no, I don't see how I brought her lying about me on myself. How does that work? It serves no purpose but to make me out to be the bad guy, and that is not what I have been.

 

You're sleeping with HER husband, so yes, you ARE the bad guy, certainly not her. And you are very involved in his marriage...again, you are sleeping with another woman's husband.

 

He's a liar.

[fooled once]

....not sure where this "resentful" part comes in. It may sound insane, but I don't get involved in his marriage- I don't call him when he is at home, I haven't ever told him to leave her. His wife lied to him and told him that I contacted her when I had no way to do that. And I had no reason to do that- like I said I see him almost every day.

 

I've been trying to get him to stay away from me, not take him away from her. I do love him, but not at the expense of him losing his family. I am not trying to be a home wrecker.

 

And no, I don't see how I brought her lying about me on myself. How does that work? It serves no purpose but to make me out to be the bad guy, and that is not what I have been.

 

How do you know what she said? Because HE said she said you called her? Could he have been LYING to you so you could feed his ego?

 

You have been sleeping with HER husband, knowing full well he has a girlfriend! Not trying to be a home wrecker? What do you call sleeping with a married man or even a man in a relationship? You are not the victim here - you willingly began an affair with him.

 

Trying to stay away from him? How? How is sleeping with a man involved with someone else "staying away from him"? You are angry that he is going on vacation with HIs wife. Are you not seeing your actions were not appropriate? You have always had the ability to say NO. Does your children know he is married to someone else and has a daughter with his wife? Do they think you two are dating?

[whichwayisup]

The fact that you didn't care one bit that he had a girlfriend and you'd be helping him betray her. Even more so since you, yourself have been a betrayed spouse, yet you couldn't care less about her and their baby.

 

I believe him, because I know some of the things his wife is capable of- she knows of me and has made up lies about me to get him to stop seeing me, so I wouldn't put it past her to say something like that.

 

You are choosing to believe a man who lied to you MORE THAN ONCE knowingly and selfishly.

 

And no, I don't see how I brought her lying about me on myself. How does that work? It serves no purpose but to make me out to be the bad guy, and that is not what I have been.

 

She feels threatened by you. You are the enemy to her. The OW who is trying to woo away her husband.

 

See, what you aren't understanding is, the stuff HE tells HER about YOU. MOST MM exaggerate truths to suit themselves best, and MOST throw their OW under the bus. So don't fool yourself into believing that he's sincere, honest and an open book. He is playing both sides and talking out of both ends. You can bank on that one.

[whichwayisup]

My mom, bless her heart, is apparently oblivious as to just how close we are. I have tried to talk to her about it, like I said before, she asks where is he when he doesn't come around. She's heard him talk about his family. She knows that we are close and she has said before if he wasn't married he would make a good man for me.

 

Now I don't know if it is because she doesn't want to believe her daughter is capable of being with a married man or maybe I am more careful than I thought, but she isn't "happy with me being some guys mistress." She wants me to be happy, she knows how hard it is for me, raising two children alone without someone special in my life, so when she sees how he makes me laugh, and how he cares for me, I guess to her that is all that matters. He makes me happy.

 

Did you tell her that he has lied to you?

 

Affairs are not healthy and people get hurt. People Do and Say things they normally wouldn't do or think they'd be capable of during an affair.

[NoIDidn't]

I'm not clear on what's being asked.

 

But it did look like it was over when he lied to you about being married and you went months without seeing him or even speaking to him.

 

This sounds so much like a friend of mine. She's European and her H's American. They were married for 16 years, so its not like he "had to marry her", but that's what he told his girlfriend once they had a child at year 12. LOL. I had to shake my head at that tired old line.

 

He's been with this woman for a long time, they become parents, and just now he's afraid she's going to take his child out of the country.

 

You're being lied to. I think you think you can tell when its happening, but this guy just took it to a level you hadn't seen yet.

[geejayess]

You are choosing to believe a man who lied to you MORE THAN ONCE knowingly and selfishly.

 

 

 

The OW who is trying to woo away her husband.

 

MOST MM exaggerate truths to suit themselves best, and MOST throw their OW under the bus. So don't fool yourself into believing that he's sincere, honest and an open book.

 

For the record- the last is nothing that I haven't already told myself. I know that he has lied to me and I know he is probably saying what he thinks I want to hear in order to keep me with him.

 

Although where the more than once comes from I don't know- unless you are talking about the continuing lie of omission when he didn't tell me he had gotten married. He didn't lie about having a girlfriend, he didn't lie when he got her pregnant- he was upfront about those things.

 

And once again- I am not trying to woo him away. I do have genuine feelings for him, I want nothing but happiness for him- even if it means I don't get to see him anymore. I have encouraged him to get counseling with his wife (they tried because she wanted it too- it didn't work) I've told him that he should just do everything she wants him to do just to keep peace between the two of them- cause we all know a happy wife makes a happy home.

Even if I wasn't in the picture, they would still have problems- most relationships do.

 

.... and I am really confused because I thought this was about supporting a person involved in a R with a MM or MW? I feel like I am being attacked! I came here because I felt like I needed to be able to talk to someone who understood the way I was feeling. And I haven't had one sympathetic response to the last question in my post. I want to know if this was you and you were going through what I am going through, would this be the point you ended it? Not how my mother should be disappointed and how much of a bad person I am. I can berate myself, I don't need other people to do that.

[waytogo]

Did you tell her that he has lied to you?

 

Affairs are not healthy and people get hurt. People Do and Say things they normally wouldn't do or think they'd be capable of during an affair.

 

Spot on Which. I really never thought I was capable to be an OW. Honestly, the R w/ MM when it came to him and me, was fine. It was the lying to most everyone else in my world that became the most intolerable. I really hit a wall, maybe I was lucky; I said 'I can't do this anymore. We aren't going to dinner tonight. Please do not come over'. We talked later and still run into each other here and there. Neither would try to harm the other; but romance is so far done. I am so grateful that if I got myself into such a mix, it went as well as it did to get out. There was mutual respect. I'm certain that had much to do with the lack of drama to live separate and respective lives.

[bentnotbroken]

....not sure where this "resentful" part comes in. It may sound insane, but I don't get involved in his marriage- I don't call him when he is at home, I haven't ever told him to leave her. His wife lied to him and told him that I contacted her when I had no way to do that. And I had no reason to do that- like I said I see him almost every day.

 

I've been trying to get him to stay away from me, not take him away from her. I do love him, but not at the expense of him losing his family. I am not trying to be a home wrecker.

 

And no, I don't see how I brought her lying about me on myself. How does that work? It serves no purpose but to make me out to be the bad guy, and that is not what I have been.

 

 

Affair with her husband= lies on you. Seems if the first didn't occur the second would not exist either. And you make yourself look anyway that you are viewed by her and others.

[NoIDidn't]

You are choosing to believe a man who lied to you MORE THAN ONCE knowingly and selfishly.

 

 

 

The OW who is trying to woo away her husband.

 

MOST MM exaggerate truths to suit themselves best, and MOST throw their OW under the bus. So don't fool yourself into believing that he's sincere, honest and an open book.

 

For the record- the last is nothing that I haven't already told myself. I know that he has lied to me and I know he is probably saying what he thinks I want to hear in order to keep me with him.

 

Although where the more than once comes from I don't know- unless you are talking about the continuing lie of omission when he didn't tell me he had gotten married. He didn't lie about having a girlfriend, he didn't lie when he got her pregnant- he was upfront about those things.

 

And once again- I am not trying to woo him away. I do have genuine feelings for him, I want nothing but happiness for him- even if it means I don't get to see him anymore. I have encouraged him to get counseling with his wife (they tried because she wanted it too- it didn't work) I've told him that he should just do everything she wants him to do just to keep peace between the two of them- cause we all know a happy wife makes a happy home.

Even if I wasn't in the picture, they would still have problems- most relationships do.

 

.... and I am really confused because I thought this was about supporting a person involved in a R with a MM or MW? I feel like I am being attacked! I came here because I felt like I needed to be able to talk to someone who understood the way I was feeling. And I haven't had one sympathetic response to the last question in my post. I want to know if this was you and you were going through what I am going through, would this be the point you ended it? Not how my mother should be disappointed and how much of a bad person I am. I can berate myself, I don't need other people to do that.

 

I'm still not clear on what you were asking. It sounded like you were looking for reasons to end it because you want him full time but don't want him to end his family.

 

I hope you aren't about to start defending him for the constant lie you were fed when he omitted to tell you he had married her OR that they had had a child. It seems he has a history of not letting you know that you aren't the only one he's sleeping with.

 

So what are you asking? For answers on when others ended it? Or for delusions to keep you seeing him?

[bentnotbroken]

My mom, bless her heart, is apparently oblivious as to just how close we are. I have tried to talk to her about it, like I said before, she asks where is he when he doesn't come around. She's heard him talk about his family. She knows that we are close and she has said before if he wasn't married he would make a good man for me.

 

Now I don't know if it is because she doesn't want to believe her daughter is capable of being with a married man or maybe I am more careful than I thought, but she isn't "happy with me being some guys mistress." She wants me to be happy, she knows how hard it is for me, raising two children alone without someone special in my life, so when she sees how he makes me laugh, and how he cares for me, I guess to her that is all that matters. He makes me happy.

 

 

What does he do that makes you happy? Sleep with you and his wife? Lie to you about what is happening in his relationship with her? Stay married to her with all kind of good excuses? What makes you so happy about the relationship you have with him?

[TurboGirl]

This man has a baby with his girlfriend. He's LIED to you over and over again and now is married. And lied to you about that! And you trust him???????

 

I'm calling bullcrap on his now wife making stuff up. So what if she made stuff up about you two? You are messing with her husband, recent past boyfriend. He WILLINGLY married her. He's lying and omitting truths to you.

 

Anyway, let go of this guy. You know what it's like to be cheated upon so I'm having trouble understanding why you feel it's okay to do that to someone else. I'm sure he's made himself out to be the poor victim and you're falling for it.

 

The choice is yours. Just keep in mind that IF you two DO get together, his wife WILL be in your lives forever because of their child. You prepared to play step mom to a child that isn't yours, and the fact you seem resentful, almost hateful towards his wife isn't good either. She's fighting for her family and has every right to do! Plus, you have NO idea what he is telling her about you. This guy is a liar , you know this firsthand too.

 

 

Agreed!

[geejayess]

I was asking if anyone was able to end it when they reached a point where they knew there was no where left to go. I know that despite the feelings involved, this R has to end, if for no other reason than it now makes me sad. I didn't set out to develop feelings for him, nor he for me. No one ever sets out to get emotionally involved in these kinds of things.

 

And no I am not asking for "delusions to keep me seeing him." I know I shouldn't be seeing him. I truly want to stop- its not healthy for me to feel at war with myself. I'm at the point where being with him hurts me just as much as it makes me happy.

 

I just wanted to hear someone say that they've been through this, too, and they survived it.

How even though they loved their MM, they found a way to successfully end the R.

I want to hear from someone who experienced what I've been through and can say they know how I feel and its ok to feel that way.

[geejayess]

Thank you.

[John Michael Kane]

How do you know what she said? Because HE said she said you called her? Could he have been LYING to you so you could feed his ego?

 

You have been sleeping with HER husband, knowing full well he has a girlfriend! Not trying to be a home wrecker? What do you call sleeping with a married man or even a man in a relationship? You are not the victim here - you willingly began an affair with him.

 

Trying to stay away from him? How? How is sleeping with a man involved with someone else "staying away from him"? You are angry that he is going on vacation with HIs wife. Are you not seeing your actions were not appropriate? You have always had the ability to say NO. Does your children know he is married to someone else and has a daughter with his wife? Do they think you two are dating?

 

OP tell the wife about the affair and end it. You know he's married....

Edited August 19, 2011 by John Michael Kane

[Silly_Girl]

geejayess - what are you getting out of the set-up? Where's the fulfilment, happiness, joy for you? I read through quickly and couldn't really make out what the benefits are for you to persist. I understand you feel got at and there's lots of noise surrounded the wife etc. But let's focus on you for now.

 

What, to you, makes it worthwhile staying with this guy?

[whichwayisup]

geejayess - what are you getting out of the set-up? Where's the fulfilment, happiness, joy for you? I read through quickly and couldn't really make out what the benefits are for you to persist. I understand you feel got at and there's lots of noise surrounded the wife etc. But let's focus on you for now.

 

What, to you, makes it worthwhile staying with this guy?

 

And no I am not asking for "delusions to keep me seeing him." I know I shouldn't be seeing him. I truly want to stop- its not healthy for me to feel at war with myself. I'm at the point where being with him hurts me just as much as it makes me happy.

 

But what is it, other than how he makes you feel, that you enjoy and are happy about when with him? I agree with SG, there's nothing you've said in there that shows what he type of person he is while with you. What he does to make you happy. Not talking sex or lust or 'feelings' I'm talking about genuine care, kindness, giving, loving, unselfish. Does he ask about you and your life or is it ALL about him? This isn't a "relationship" that's going anywhere. you two are having an affair and it's based on lies. Deep down, sorry to say this, but you knowwhat's what. You feel bad a lot of the time so is the few fleeting moments when he makes you feel good worth all of this??

 

People survive break ups! You won't die from this. You'll cry, feel pain, feel hurt.. You were fine before he came into your life, you'll be fine again. Don't be scared of feeling the pain and walking away. You chose this path and if you truly want out, you'll end it.

[seren]

I found out that in the time that we have known each other, he got married. When I confronted him, he said he didn't know how to tell me, and he didn't want to hurt me. But of course I was hurt- one of the first things I had told him was that I couldn't take being lied to (my ex-husband lied to me repeatedly), just tell me the truth of things, no matter how hard a truth it is.

 

This stood out for me in your post the truth from those we love is what most of us want and need. Possibly his wife also needs this, we should all wish for others what we wish for ourselves. Sounds like a lot of gaslighting going on all around.

 

I am sure some A's end in long term relationships, infact there are a number of OW on LS who have gone on to have these. But, the thing they seem to have in common is not settling for being an OW, but firmly stating what their needs are. No one should play second fiddle to another. People end relationships every day, it just takes that first step, I don't quite know what you want to happen. Carry on until it peters out, him to man up and tell his wife or to end it once and for all.

[Spark1111]

I was asking if anyone was able to end it when they reached a point where they knew there was no where left to go. I know that despite the feelings involved, this R has to end, if for no other reason than it now makes me sad. I didn't set out to develop feelings for him, nor he for me. No one ever sets out to get emotionally involved in these kinds of things.

 

And no I am not asking for "delusions to keep me seeing him." I know I shouldn't be seeing him. I truly want to stop- its not healthy for me to feel at war with myself. I'm at the point where being with him hurts me just as much as it makes me happy.

 

I just wanted to hear someone say that they've been through this, too, and they survived it.

How even though they loved their MM, they found a way to successfully end the R.

I want to hear from someone who experienced what I've been through and can say they know how I feel and its ok to feel that way.

 

I have never been an OW.

 

But those who post here that have successfully ended it, did exactly that.

 

And then they went complete NC....NO CONTACT.

 

Not a phone call, text, email, smile or gaze. Which may be very, very difficult for you but seems to be the only way people have been able to gain emotional distance they needed to reassess their lives and break free from the affair.

 

Change your phone, block him from your accounts, mourn your feelings and get away.

 

Even one accidental contact can reawaken all the pain.

 

Can you do this and get off the rollercoaster? For good?

[jthorne]

What do you think LSers? You've been here before, is this the point that you gave it up?

I think the better question is why do you think another woman's husband is the best that you deserve?

 

Once you discover the answer to my question, the answer to yours will be obvious.