so cliche

[TigerCub]

I just wanted to hear someone say that they've been through this, too, and they survived it.

How even though they loved their MM, they found a way to successfully end the R.

I want to hear from someone who experienced what I've been through and can say they know how I feel and its ok to feel that way.

 

Hi GeeJayess,

 

I've been there.

And I survived it.

Only you know when you can go NC and keep it.

 

For me it was when I felt suffocated by it all. The guilt, the lies (even though he wouldn't admit most of them), just knowing that after we're done hanging out he's going home to her.

 

You will reach a point of enough is enough and question why you would even let someone treat you so badly.

 

I questioned that all the time, he said he "loved" me and that being with her is a contrast to how I make him feel...yet he went home to her!

 

but in the end you need to realize that no one is where they don't want to be.

 

That's true for him being with his wife

and that's also true for you putting yourself in a miserable, defeating, draining, suffocating situation.

 

What helped me in the beginning was to write down a list of all the things that he's done to hurt me, all the ways he's disappointed me, and it turned out to be a good 2 pager. (long pages and small font too)

 

I posted those pages on the wall of my room and anytime I missed him or wanted to talk to him, I looked at them and it helped me to hold back on the urge to reach out and call him.

 

NC took a few tries, and its fine if that happens with you. You're addicted to this person and you love them and you may trip up, but you also have to get in the habit of knowing that you and his wife deserve better than this - you need to take yourself out of the equation.

 

With time and self reflection NC will become a lot easier and you will be able to stick to it.

Just think of the way he's treating you, if you value yourself at all, you wouldn't put up with it - why are you his option and his escape from his boring married life? Why shouldn't you be with someone that will treasure you and make you #1?

 

Think about all those things and it will help you stick to it.

 

You have to realize that he's not treating you well and you deserve better than him. Even if you're not with someone else right after, being alone is better than being treated like a piece of meat, and a dumba$$ that's easily manipulated (sorry, not meant to offend you, but I'm sure a lot of MM/MW think that of the people they string along).

 

Good luck to you

Edited August 19, 2011 by TigerCub

[Quiet Storm]

I was asking if anyone was able to end it when they reached a point where they knew there was no where left to go.

 

You have control over your actions, no matter what your emotions are. You don't have to act on your emotions. You can love him, but not talk to him. You can miss him, but refuse to see him.

 

Your feelings only have as much power as you give them.

 

When you feed your attraction to him by thinking about him romantically, you are giving your feelings more power.

 

Don't think about how great he makes you feel or the words he says, because those things will give your feelings more power.

 

Instead of feeding the romantic thougts, kill those feelings with a cold dose of reality.

 

When romance enters your brain think things along these lines: He is married. He lied to me. He is using me. He only sees me when it's convenient. My involvement with him is hurting his family. I want my kids to have a good opinion of me. My feelings do not control me. He thinks I'm weak but I am strong.

 

When you start missing him, close your eyes and envision a big red stop sign. Consistently doing this will train your brain to automatically "not go there".

 

You can control your emotions and feelings, but it takes time and effort. If you are consistent and do not feed the feelings, they will fade.

 

You have to learn that your logical mind is more powerful than your emotions. Once you realize this, you will feel much stronger. You will not feel at the mercy of your emotions.

 

Accept that you love him, but he is not good for you. Let go of the hope, and focus on you, your kids and the rest of your life.

[26pointblue]

I was asking if anyone was able to end it when they reached a point where they knew there was no where left to go. I know that despite the feelings involved, this R has to end, if for no other reason than it now makes me sad. I didn't set out to develop feelings for him, nor he for me. No one ever sets out to get emotionally involved in these kinds of things.

 

And no I am not asking for "delusions to keep me seeing him." I know I shouldn't be seeing him. I truly want to stop- its not healthy for me to feel at war with myself. I'm at the point where being with him hurts me just as much as it makes me happy.

 

I just wanted to hear someone say that they've been through this, too, and they survived it.

How even though they loved their MM, they found a way to successfully end the R.

I want to hear from someone who experienced what I've been through and can say they know how I feel and its ok to feel that way.

 

I can say all of that . . . I have been where you are & I got out of it. But part of that involves looking at your own part in the matter. It's about focusing on yourself, what you truly want & the person you truly want to be [& the kind of person you truly want to be involved with[, rather than on him or even on your love for him.

 

I think what people are trying to say is that if you had never gotten involved with him, you wouldn't have to worry about the wife spreading lies about you. [i know that was tangential to your issue but it's all related . . . you believe him when he says she's horrible because you know she has lied about you . . . but [u]HE[/u] has been acting horribly by lying to her about you, cheating on her with you, & you have been a part of that & enabling it, so, instead of focusing on what she is doing to him, it is really helpful [at least it was for me anyway] to look at your own role in it. I too suffered many consequences from being with xMM & I was resentful of them until I realized that none of them would have happened had I stayed true to myself & not let myself become involved with someone married to someone else, not let myself participate in lies, deceit, betrayal . . . or all I could expect to get back was the same.

 

So, to me, that's where you need to start. Try to focus on your own desires [to be free of this relationship], your values [loyalty? honesty? etc.] & act on those, instead of focusing on your emotions/feelings. Yes it's 'okay' to have those feelings . . . they are what they are. But it's not always okay/good to act on them because, as you've seen, they can lead to bad things if not tempered by logic, values, introspection, integrity, etc. So just acknowledge to yourself that you love him & you wish things were different, but, they're not, so, acting on the set of circumstances before you, you must do what's right for yourself & disentangle yourself from the situation/MM. You must start acting on your logic & beliefs rather than contininuing to act on your feelings. Yes, it's hard & painful, but, it is the only way out. Good luck, I wish you well.

[fooled once]

I think the better question is why do you think another woman's husband is the best that you deserve?

 

Once you discover the answer to my question, the answer to yours will be obvious.

 

Yep ^^^^

 

MANY of us here are former OW. We ended the affair (or it was ended by the MM). The majority of us are doing just fine. We have gone on with life. We grieved, we mourned and then we picked up and moved on. Life won't end. Life will go on. You will meet someone else and fall in love.

 

I am confused on why you need previous OW to tell you they survived an affair. If you aren't happy, end it. If you really REALLY want the best for him, you would end the affair and stay out of his marriage. You honestly have no idea what issues they have. Heck, for all you know, there ARE no issues and he is just telling you there are some to get your sympathy. So if you are truthful about wanting to be done and wanting him to focus on his marriage, tell him goodbye

[TurboGirl]

OP,

YOU have to take control of YOUR life, and end the A... if you want to. Only you can make that decision, it does not matter at then end of the day what happened with any other A, how it ended, how the OW is today, etc. You have to be sick and tired of it all, and say Enough!

 

I am finished now for over 6 months... MM kind of ended it, by not responding to a text I sent him - calling him on some of his BS & lies. I was in it for 2.5 years. I was very upset for about 2 months - couldn't sleep, could barely work, function, etc. Part of my anger was that I was totally P***** that I didn't get to tell him to ____ Off. He knew I was fed up and onto his manipulative BS, so it is just as well. Today I am relieved and focusing on the positive things in my life. That A was just a diversion for me, finally I feel I am back on track.

 

No OW's situation is going to be word for word detail by detail exactly like yours. If you are looking for a script, well, you write you own when you finally get fed up enough to tell your MM what you think and end it.

[geejayess]

so today I took the first step to NC. Its not the first time I've tried NC, but I intend it to be the last. I have been at this point before. Well maybe not this point, but I had been trying unsuccessfully to end it. One or the other of us would cave. And we'd start the circle all over again.

 

Coming to this site was sort of a catalyst for me. I was at my wits end with finalizing my decision. It didn't help the he asked me if he could leave some clothes at my apt... He gets dirty in his work and I've always told him he can take a shower before he goes home, but he neverf took me up on it. But it kind of made me cringe, I saw the whole trajectory of the R going in one direction- down. I thought about when he would bring a tooth brush, when he would start coming over late at night, and staying over, going outside the apt to lie to her over the phone. I could see myself becoming a person that I didn't like, clingy, and unreasonable and high-strung. Because I don't ever want to be that person, one who is begging someone to be with me, spend more time with me, when I know it won't happen, I knew I had reached the point where I just had to end it.

 

There was no "D-day" I just got tired of the empty and bad feelings. I still love him. I still believe he loves me. (I DO!) I am just no longer harboring fantasies of a time when he will magically come to his senses and see that he really wants to be with me. Like the movie says- "I know, I know you're right- he's never gonna leave her!"

 

I don't know what I was thinking, because I never even ASKED him to do it (leave) I was perfectly content to be on the side for a long time. I've heard that OW seek out MM purposely because they are not available to have long term relationships. In a way that was true at the beginning for me, but feelings got involved and it all changed and now here I am.

 

So- Cold turkey. Deleted him from Word Feud. He was already blocked from FB. It will take some time for the memory of the number to fade, but I think I can do it. I've got a bunch of books from the library to keep myself occupied. I just started a new course on my online schooling. I have instructed him to not come by, text (we stopped talking on the phone- BS checked call records) or even speak to me when he sees me- and we will see each other since he works in the neighborhood I live in. I wanted to tell him to put in a transfer to another area, but I think that would make things worse at home if his wife learned he did something like that at my request.

 

I thought a lot about what I've read here and although I didn't like being attacked, the posts that talked about putting the focus on ME helped a lot. I am one of those people who is used to doing without- single parent of two kids, the youngest of seven children, birthday the day before Christmas- I learned to go without the things I wanted or was told "you can't have." Maybe that was the reason why it was so easy (at first) to take what little bit I got from him. But that is no longer the way it will be.

 

Thanks for thoughtful comments, they've helped. I don't know when I will be back here, I think reading about this stuff makes me think more about him and I want to get to a point where not everything reminds me of him. When I am feeling a bit less reactive to the more negative statements I read here, I think I can post again.

 

Until then, I wish all of us well in getting over the MP in our lives.