? About adult children of infidelity

[spice4life]

I was speaking with my best GF earlier this summer and we were discussing the problems in her marriage. Turns out that her H's father cheated on his mother all through out his childhood. He didn't find out until he was married himself and having children of his own. Anyway, his family was always the "it" family, meaning pillars o the community, always involved, very active with their kids etc. They put on a good front to everyone, including their kids. No one would have suspected such dysfunction.

 

Fast forward to now. My GF has always had problems with her husband triangulating all of their relationships with friends, family and most importantly her kids. He is always creating and getting caught in triangulated situations...at work too! This got me to thinking about the environment he grew up in. There was always a third person (albeit invisible person) in his parent's marriage which, if you think about it, probably created a triangle dynamic between them (his parents). Oh, and his father was the classic "conflict avoider". I began to wonder if my GF's husband's behavior as an adult was due to the fact that he grew up in a house where there was infidelity? In other words, his relationship coping skills were taught by the dynamic his father's infidelity created. The triangle between his mother, father and the OW (many in this case).

 

Thoughts?

Edited August 19, 2011 by spice4life

[Quiet Storm]

I think whether they had remained married or divorced, it would have resulted in a similar dynamic.

 

People that triangulate do it to everyone. It is way that they control people. It's not just specific to the marriage, and the pattern will follow the person wherever he goes.

 

Had your friend's H's parents divorced, it would have shifted the players in the triangle.

 

Usually when Triangulators divorce, it is even worse for the kids. This happens because the Triangulator will usually make his kids one of the sides. Instead of MM/BW/OW triangle it will be MM/BW/kids. The kids end up being used to hurt or control BW.

 

Then the children become part of the manipulation, instead of just a bystander.

 

A cheater is usually not an emotionally healthy person. They have bad coping skills, control issues, passive agressive behavior, etc.

 

The children of these people will usually be affected by their parents issues, no matter what the outcome of the marriage.

 

In a marriage situation, an emotionally healthy spouse can often "buffer" the children from an emotionally unhealthy one, and the kids can have a good outcome. In a divorce situation, the child is often stuck in the middle of a battle between the people they love the most.

 

One of the biggest mistakes I see OW make is to assume that MM's issues are situational. OW thinks the bad marriage is causing MM's problems, but usually MM has issues that were there before BW and will be there after BW.

[MissBee]

I was speaking with my best GF earlier this summer and we were discussing the problems in her marriage. Turns out that her H's father cheated on his mother all through out his childhood. He didn't find out until he was married himself and having children of his own. Anyway, his family was always the "it" family, meaning pillars o the community, always involved, very active with their kids etc. They put on a good front to everyone, including their kids. No one would have suspected such dysfunction.

 

Fast forward to now. My GF has always had problems with her husband triangulating all of their relationships with friends, family and most importantly her kids. He is always creating and getting caught in triangulated situations...at work too! This got me to thinking about the environment he grew up in. There was always a third person (albeit invisible person) in his parent's marriage which, if you think about it, probably created a triangle dynamic between them (his parents). Oh, and his father was the classic "conflict avoider". I began to wonder if my GF's husband's behavior as an adult was due to the fact that he grew up in a house where there was infidelity? In other words, his relationship coping skills were taught by the dynamic his father's infidelity created. The triangle between his mother, father and the OW (many in this case).

 

Thoughts?

 

I think that is a very likely possibility. For me personally, I only began to realize that many of my ways of dealing with relationships, the relationships I chose, what I found attractive and so much more had to do with the primary relationship I experienced and witnessed [my parents']. I understood theoretically that idea but it only became real to me this past year that without me consent, it infiltrated my subconscious and has an effect (a negative one particularly) on me as an adult going about my own relationships. My sister and I were talking and as I shared my realization with her, she began to share with me too and was relating how it affected her as well and how she didn't realize it.

 

It's interesting that you brought up that "invisible person", as I am a strong believer that not because something is "hidden" or appears to be hidden from view, means it doesn't affect dynamics, the energy, the undercurrent of a situation. I do believe that such a situation, IS going to affect a family, regardless of whatever front they put on and regardless of being unaware of exactly what is occurring. It's like walking into a room where people were just sharing a secret and stopped....the energy is very different and palpable. You may never know what the secret they're sharing was, but nonetheless the energy that there is a secret permeates the situation.

[TigerCub]

I don't think the situation has to necessarily be with regards to infidelity.

But I do believe that the way we grow up affects the way we act as adults.

 

My parents didn't have the problems with infidelity (as far as I know), but although there was "comfortable love" and respect, it still wasn't a happy home and there was always drama, and I honestly think that they didn't have a very happy marriage and so as a result I'm a firm believer of "don't stay in an unhappy M for the kids" - that doesn't work, it just makes me things worse for the kids - and I truly believe that because of the way I grew up.

 

Also, growing up, my parents were the type to always say "what will people think?" if any of us f**ked up big, so I grew up with all that bull$**t and as a result I am more of the "I don't give a crap what people think"

 

so to answer your question, we all have things in our traits as adults due to the way we grew up as kids - it doesn't need to be about infidelity though - it's just bound to happen.

[Spark1111]

I agree!

 

The lastest research shows that your odds of cheating on your SO can climb to 40% if mommy or daddy cheated.

 

Parents, first and foremost, are role models. It is not what you say, but how you act that children observe and adopt.

 

Even if they remain unaware of the parent's cheating, the cheating parent most likely displayed entitlement, had poor coping and communication skills, low self-esteem, perhaps a substance abuse problem (indicative of poor impulse control) and blamed others for their problems.

 

Hell, the parent doesn't even have to cheat to impart those very same traits to their children.

[TigerCub]

It's interesting that you brought up that "invisible person", as I am a strong believer that not because something is "hidden" or appears to be hidden from view, means it doesn't affect dynamics, the energy, the undercurrent of a situation. I do believe that such a situation, IS going to affect a family, regardless of whatever front they put on and regardless of being unaware of exactly what is occurring. It's like walking into a room where people were just sharing a secret and stopped....the energy is very different and palpable. You may never know what the secret they're sharing was, but nonetheless the energy that there is a secret permeates the situation.

 

So completely agree with this!!

[MissBee]

I think whether they had remained married or divorced, it would have resulted in a similar dynamic.

 

People that triangulate do it to everyone. It is way that they control people. It's not just specific to the marriage, and the pattern will follow the person wherever he goes.

 

Had your friend's H's parents divorced, it would have shifted the players in the triangle.

 

Usually when Triangulators divorce, it is even worse for the kids. This happens because the Triangulator will usually make his kids one of the sides. Instead of MM/BW/OW triangle it will be MM/BW/kids. The kids end up being used to hurt or control BW.

 

Then the children become part of the manipulation, instead of just a bystander.

 

A cheater is usually not an emotionally healthy person. They have bad coping skills, control issues, passive agressive behavior, etc.

 

The children of these people will usually be affected by their parents issues, no matter what the outcome of the marriage.

 

In a marriage situation, an emotionally healthy spouse can often "buffer" the children from an emotionally unhealthy one, and the kids can have a good outcome. In a divorce situation, the child is often stuck in the middle of a battle between the people they love the most.

 

One of the biggest mistakes I see OW make is to assume that MM's issues are situational. OW thinks the bad marriage is causing MM's problems, but usually MM has issues that were there before BW and will be there after BW.

 

Great post! Very true.

[Quiet Storm]

I'm a firm believer of "don't stay in an unhappy M for the kids" - that doesn't work, it just makes me things worse for the kids - and I truly believe that because of the way I grew up.

 

But how do you know that it would have turned out better? How do you know your mom wouldn't have brought in a stepdad that seemed trustworthy but ended up molesting you? Or maybe your dad would've been one of the types that sees you twice a year and you end up feeling unloved and abandoned.

 

Kids of divorce have all kinds of issues, too.

 

Infant to Age 3

The youngest of children typically do not display significant emotional or behavior challenges during divorce. They may regress or become excessively clingy if schedules are thrown out of whack or the primary caregiver is emotionally unavailable, but overall, the impact of divorce is minimal on children in this age category.

Age 3 to 5

Preschoolers tend to blame themselves for divorce. They do not understand why Mommy and Daddy don't live together anymore; they tend to think they can bring Mommy or Daddy back if they behave well enough. They do not respond to changes in schedule well and may cry and struggle during transitions during visitation exchanges. Explain to your preschooler that you love him and make sure your child knows he did not do anything to bring this upon your family. Be patient with mood swings and temper tantrums; try to minimize the trauma of transitions.

Elementary School Aged Children

Children ages 5 to 11 respond with the most emotional turmoil and distress of all the age groups. These children are old enough to blame their parents for the pain of divorce, and they feel the separation the most keenly. They are still too young to emotionally process the loss or control their reactions to the pain they experience, so they are most likely to act out in ways that get them in trouble for behavior issues. Expect anger, depression, and possibly violent outbursts as your child tries to process the transitions and the idea that some married people don't love each other forever.

Teenagers

Teenagers are able to process and control their emotions, and may empathize with the parent your child feels is the victim of the split. They may experience deep depression about love and marriage in general or may overcompensate by becoming overly responsible and trying to be an adult companion to please the parents.

"Research suggests that problematic parent-child relations associated with divorce persist throughout the life course." (Amato and Booth,1996). "One cannot predict long-term effects of divorce on children from how they react at the outset." (Wallerstein, 1989). "...the long-term consequences of parental divorce for adult attainment and quality of life may prove to be more serious than the short-term emotional and social problems in children." (Amato & Keith, 1991) "children from disrupted families are significantly more likely to express discontent with their lives as measured by an index of life satisfaction." (Furstenberg & Teitler, 1994).

 

Although it is easy to say that you wish your parents would've split, there is no way to know that. You would have been free of your parents bickering and drama, but may have end up exposed to things much more damaging than that.

 

I don't want to give many details because I always post based on my personal (and not professional) opinions- but I work in the mental health field and see many kids negatively affected by divorce. IMO, kids only benefit from a divorce if abuse or addiction is part of the marriage. In those cases, the kids will end up affected no matter what, but it is the lesser of two evils.

Edited August 19, 2011 by Quiet Storm

[spice4life]

 

One of the biggest mistakes I see OW make is to assume that MM's issues are situational. OW thinks the bad marriage is causing MM's problems, but usually MM has issues that were there before BW and will be there after BW.

 

This is probably true in many cases. Not in my situation though. I was always looking at the person as an individual and made my decisions based upon their actions. Whatever problems that I observed I attributed to him as a person and not his situation.

 

Usually when Triangulators divorce, it is even worse for the kids. This happens because the Triangulator will usually make his kids one of the sides. Instead of MM/BW/OW triangle it will be MM/BW/kids. The kids end up being used to hurt or control BW.

 

They actually did divorce. His father may have continued the dynamic in his future relationships, but not where the family was concerned. Like I said, they put on a good front for the kids and they were not manipulated once the parents got divorced. The triangle with his mother was due to his father's infidelity and once they divorced, it stopped. So I don't necessarily agree with you on that point because that wasn't the case in this situation. I am talking more about the "hidden" triangle dynamic between the spouses infidelity causes, unbeknownst to the family.

 

In a marriage situation, an emotionally healthy spouse can often "buffer" the children from an emotionally unhealthy one, and the kids can have a good outcome. In a divorce situation, the child is often stuck in the middle of a battle between the people they love the most.

 

I don't necessarily agree with this one either. My exH wasn't emotionally healthy and I was more able to "buffer" my children once I separated and got divorced. What you are saying is more of a personal choice than an actual reality of an outcome. The children can do well in either case. My children were much better off after I divorced than before it. If I had stayed, I am sure they would have absorbed some really unhealthy relationship coping dynamics. Instead, they were able to see that people can end an unhappy situation and go on to live happier healthier lives.

 

Gotta go for now, but will back later to answer the rest, many of which I completely agree with.

[TigerCub]

But how do you know that it would have turned out better? How do you know your mom wouldn't have brought in a stepdad that seemed trustworthy but ended up molesting you? Or maybe your dad would've been one of the types that sees you twice a year and you end up feeling unloved and abandoned.

 

Because he's been dead 6 years now and she hasn't so much as dated anyone, so I doubt she would have dated and remarried and all that. (I think its sad actually, I would like to see her find love again, but with culture and all I think that holds her back - and maybe she just isn't interested - but that's a whole other discussion).

 

And as for my dad - well as well intentioned as he may have been, he managed to make me feel abandoned and unloved and he was still with my mom, so don't give me that as the hypothetical.

 

People don't seem to realize that just because a parent is physically present that doesn't mean they are doing their best as a parent. There's a difference between being a provider and being a father.

[ladydesigner]

Because he's been dead 6 years now and she hasn't so much as dated anyone, so I doubt she would have dated and remarried and all that. (I think its sad actually, I would like to see her find love again, but with culture and all I think that holds her back - and maybe she just isn't interested - but that's a whole other discussion).

 

And as for my dad - well as well intentioned as he may have been, he managed to make me feel abandoned and unloved and he was still with my mom, so don't give me that as the hypothetical.

 

People don't seem to realize that just because a parent is physically present that doesn't mean they are doing their best as a parent. There's a difference between being a provider and being a father.

 

Yes I have a father like this and my mom cheated numerous times. They are still together. I was like a disaster waiting to happen and it did . I ended up having an A too:sick:

 

I also have childhood abuse in my past and almost every one of these in quote below...

 

most likely displayed entitlement, had poor coping and communication skills, low self-esteem, perhaps a substance abuse problem (indicative of poor impulse control) and blamed others for their problems.

Luckily I am in IC right now, I think I will be in receipt of therapy PERMANENTLY for now.

[MissBee]

Because he's been dead 6 years now and she hasn't so much as dated anyone, so I doubt she would have dated and remarried and all that. (I think its sad actually, I would like to see her find love again, but with culture and all I think that holds her back - and maybe she just isn't interested - but that's a whole other discussion).

 

And as for my dad - well as well intentioned as he may have been, he managed to make me feel abandoned and unloved and he was still with my mom, so don't give me that as the hypothetical.

 

People don't seem to realize that just because a parent is physically present that doesn't mean they are doing their best as a parent. There's a difference between being a provider and being a father.

 

Soooo very true!

[wheelwright]

Yes I have a father like this and my mom cheated numerous times. They are still together. I was like a disaster waiting to happen and it did . I ended up having an A too:sick:

 

I also have childhood abuse in my past and almost every one of these in quote below...

 

Luckily I am in IC right now, I think I will be in receipt of therapy PERMANENTLY for now.

 

Have you ever thought about your A as empowering?

 

I mean you, the disaster waiting to happen, took steps to re-align her self-esteem and passive behaviour? You fell in love! To fall in love you have to be willing to open.

 

LD I don't like to see you feeling bad about yourself for your A. You did not at that point in your M have someone to be faithful to.

 

Read 'Women who Run with the Wolves'. Cry, Know you are not in any way bad for what you did. Resolve your past issues. Don't believe everything from therapy. It is helpful but flawed. Find your path. You don't need a therapist forever, because actually you are great.

 

I understand you behaved outside of your ethical remit in your A. And the A hurt you. I really don't like to see you feeling bad about that still. A bit, but your past, your H, all of it.

 

Stop feeling bad! You are so lovely

[fooled once]

I think adult kids who deal with a parents infidelity tend to question so much of their "childhood" and will overanalyze everything... did dad really go to the store for milk? Did mom really have to spend the night with Aunt Sue? Did Dad really have to work the weekend we went to the beach? etc.

 

I think they become cynical and lose trust for situations/relationships that normally were 'easy' to trust and believe in. I think it rocks their world in many ways.

 

My parents are happily married still, 49 years later. There has been no infidelity; but they had their fair share of challenges with my dad gone most months of the year with the military. He was a career military man; never around when we were growing up and I know he and my mom had to 'readjust' each time he came home for months at a time. She was accustomed to running the house/kids without his input and he wasn't used to having kids around a lot or having little to do (since my mom was taking care of everything).

 

I can image how betrayed I would feel today if I found out either had cheated. It would rock my world. My parents marriage and love for each other is what I have always wanted (and got now ) and I cherish having parents who are in love and happy. They hold hands, they sneak kisses and they are very affectionate with each other...after all these years :love:

 

LD ((hugs)) you are an awesome woman. You will not be in permanent therapy my friend. You are headed on a much healthier path and learning so much more about you and your 'non-negotiables'. Keep the faith, stay strong and know you are awesome in my eyes!

[TigerCub]

Yes I have a father like this and my mom cheated numerous times. They are still together. I was like a disaster waiting to happen and it did . I ended up having an A too:sick:

 

I also have childhood abuse in my past and almost every one of these in quote below...

 

Luckily I am in IC right now, I think I will be in receipt of therapy PERMANENTLY for now.

 

Thanks LD for sharing about your childhood issues. I'm really sorry that you had to grow up in a home like that, the sad thing is, it happens all that time

 

Good for you for being in IC. I personally find that therapy works (for me at least)- just gotta find the right therapist

 

Good luck to you

[Art_Critic]

We are all products of our environments..

 

So of course the way your family was while growing up affects and molds you.

 

A perfect example is that my father was a serial cheater who cheated not only on my Mom but also on my Step Mother and then he cheated on his mistresses and I can tell you that growing up in that made me the opposite of him..

I wanted to be the exact opposite and treat women better than he did and it worked..

I abhor cheating and have a zero tolerance for it, thanks to my Dad... .. that is a good thing.

[Spark1111]

We are all products of our environments..

 

So of course the way your family was while growing up affects and molds you.

 

A perfect example is that my father was a serial cheater who cheated not only on my Mom but also on my Step Mother and then he cheated on his mistresses and I can tell you that growing up in that made me the opposite of him..

I wanted to be the exact opposite and treat women better than he did and it worked..

I abhor cheating and have a zero tolerance for it, thanks to my Dad... .. that is a good thing.

 

Art Critic, if you accomplished a rejection of father's lifestyle for a healthier life change without therapy, well kudos to you!

[Woggle]

It wasn't just my mother's infidelity but the way my father reacted to her abuse and constant criticism plus outright hatred that shaped who I am. I utterly cringe at the thought of ever being as beaten down as he was.