Where do you draw your boundaries in a relationship/marriage?

[Thinkalot]

Reckless' thread about setting proper boundaries in relationships got me thinking about what people do consider to be 'proper boundaries'.

 

Where do you usually draw them in a relationship/marriage? Do you even discuss them, or just assume? What do you consider acceptable behaviour?

 

My partner and I have discussed them (on varying occassions...they needed finetuning sometimes, when either one of us got upset over something! lol!) ....and I think this covers the basics:

 

Personally, I don't mind my guy having the odd female friend, as long as he doesn't spend too much time with her, and keeps it to strictly friendship, and always puts 'us' first, and respects me.

 

I don't mind him having the odd weekend away with the boys surfing or whatever, and think it's important he has his own interests and hobbies.

 

With respect to the ex, I don't mind them being in touch, every so often. It's nice they can be friends. Any more than that would bug me. At the start it was a bit more often, and it did bug me...now they hardly ever speak. I have also asked that when they do speak, that he lets me know and keeps nothing from me. I also understand that sometimes he will be in touch with her family, if their is a funeral or something...and I respect that fact too.

If I had a real problem with it, and wished him to have no contact with an ex for some reason, I would expect him to respect my wishes and put me first.

 

I expect him to confide his deepest thoughts to me and always respect my feelings, and I would be upset if I thought someone else was getting more of him emotionally than I was. That to me would be an 'emotional affair'.

 

Any intimate physical touching/kissing/sex with anyone else is not on! This is an obvious one I would think. Unless it's a friendly hug or kiss on the cheek or whatever, and clearly a gesture of frienship.

 

And flirting, so long as it is fun and harmless and without intent, is fine. We all do a bit of that. There is a line there, which obviously should not be crossed, and would include doing any of the above things I have listed!

 

Basically, the same rules apply in the reverse to me. I also let him know for example, if I have contact with an ex, and I have even reduced contact significantly with one ex (to the point where I don't initiate contact anymore) in order not to upset my guy, when I knew it made him uncomfortable. Sometimes I have a girl's weekend, while he has a boy's weekend. And when speaking to others, I always show my guy loyalty first.

 

It took us a while to sort out the finer details here (such as always letting the other know when we speak to an ex) but we are happy with our boundaries now.

 

What about you? What do you expect when you enter a relationship? How do you set your boundaries?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Where do you usually draw them in a relationship/marriage? Do you even discuss them, or just assume?

 

Learned long ago never to ‘assume,’ Thinksalot! Particularly when it comes to taking for granted that someone will always conduct themselves in the way you’ve come to expect them to. My partner and I have pretty much thrown our crap right out on the table from the beginning. We are right onboard with our boundaries and relationship expectations; at least in ‘theory’…and so far in practice. This is not to say that things won’t eventually change (as people often do), but at least if one of us crosses some invisible line, we do it knowing full well we are in breech of our partner’s trust and are already aware of the potential consequences. There’ll be no room for bogus excuses, alibis or justifications. We know that.

 

Personally, I don't mind my guy having the odd female friend, as long as he doesn't spend too much time with her, and keeps it to strictly friendship, and always puts 'us' first, and respects me.

 

While we both have opposite sex friends and work colleagues, we have both agreed that we would not feel comfortable if the other was spending one-on-one time with the opposite sex. My partner would not like it if I met another guy for drinks, or went alone to lunch with another male co-worker unless he was invited along or it was with a group of people. When we spend time with our opposite sex friends, we do it together. And most of our friends have SOs as well who also come along.

 

I don't mind him having the odd weekend away with the boys surfing or whatever, and think it's important he has his own interests and hobbies.

 

We have our own interests and hobbies, but for the most part they keep us at home. We each have our own workshop/studio where we can spend alone time ‘caving.’ As far as the other stuff we like doing; camping, traveling, hiking, fishing…we share that interest, too. Neither one of us are into the bar scene, so we don’t do the boys/girls night out. And we’ve already discussed the ‘separate vacations’ idea, and agreed that wasn’t the kind of relationship we wanted. Right now we agree that it just wouldn’t be half as fun without our proverbial side-kicks, but maybe that will change in ten years after we get tired of being joined at the hip.

 

With respect to the ex, I don't mind them being in touch, every so often.

 

As far as ‘ex-lovers-turned-platonic-friends,’ we have agreed that it presents too much of a risk to the primary relationship. Experience has taught us that these situations seldom turn out well and are more damaging to the partnership then beneficial. Any lingering emotional ties to past relationships were severed and adequate closure was placed on these ‘hang ons’ before we agreed to move in together. It took some time to get this particular issue off the table because we were both at different places in our lives. It required a lesson in ‘empathy,’ putting ourselves in the other person’s place and imagining how we’d feel if the situation were reversed.

 

I have an ex-husband, and although our marriage ended amicably and he moved next door for two years while we remained friends, I do not go out of my way to keep in touch. On the rare occasions when we do speak, its only to discuss an issue about our daughter. As a matter of fact, it’s been two years since we’ve spoken last. I would never disrespect my current partner that way or allow a past relationship to invade sanctity my current one.

 

I expect him to confide his deepest thoughts to me and always respect my feelings,

 

I expect HONESTY and fair play. I don’t expect him to always ‘respect’ my feelings…but to at least acknowledge that I have them. While I encourage him to confide openly with me, I don’t need to know his deepest most inner thoughts unless they have something to do with me or our relationship. I also expect that he would be true to himself, and MAN enough to exit this relationship if he were unhappy or unfulfilled rather than starting up another one elsewhere (whether emotional or physical). He’s a free bird and can do what he wants, so long as he cuts the strings and doesn’t drag me along.

 

And flirting, so long as it is fun and harmless and without intent, is fine.

 

No flirting. I can’t even imagine how pizzed he get if he caught me doing that! Quite frankly, I wouldn’t be all too happy with him doing the same. I can’t stand double standards.

 

We all do a bit of that.

 

Not me. Hell, there have been times when someone has said “hello” to me or started up a conversation, and the simple polite act of saying “hi” back, or answering a question has mislead some guy into believing I might be interested. My partner even suggested that my first response should always be “I have a boyfriend”…or at least work that into the conversation from the onset.

 

“Nice weather we’re having!”

 

My response: “Sure is! I wonder if my boyfriend thinks we’re having good weather, too?”…LOL

 

Basically, the same rules apply in the reverse to me.

 

Again, I hate double-standards. I would never request anything from anyone that I wasn’t willing to give myself. As a matter of fact, I’m even more vigilant regarding my own boundaries than I am about other’s. I expect more from myself than anyone else. I guess I’ve learned the hard way that it’s best not to place my faith in other people. Rather to have unwavering faith and trust in myself.

 

People will always let you down. It’s the nature of the animal. But if I betray my own beliefs, integrity and personal standards, then I’ve lost faith and trust in who I am as a person. Who would I turn to, then?

 

Jeesh…Reading back, I’m surprised that my relationship expectations and high standards wouldn’t make it impossible to find suitable mates. It certainly cuts the down playing field drastically! But so far I’ve been pretty darn lucky not to get stuck with total losers or relationship retards…at least, when I do, it’s NOT for very long!

 

Maybe I just scare all the bad ones away?!

[Thinkalot]

Wow Enigma...thank you for such a well thought reply!

 

I am very encouraged to know someone else thinks about these things in detail also.

 

I would also like to clarify a few of my own points.

 

With regards separate activities...my guy and I aren't into the bar scene at all either, and neither do we wish to take separate holidays, except the odd weekend away (because of where we live, we have to travel to see some of our close friends from before our relationship, who live in opposite directions, so sometimes it makes more sense to go separately). Like you, we love the outdoors and share the same interests.

 

Neither of us have any super close friends of the opposite sex with whom we spend a lot of one on one time, so that has not been an issue. I have one male friend I am close to, but normally if I see him, my partner is with me too, and they've become mates. I don't think I would object to all one on one meetings though, if they were something infrequent...but I would certainly much prefer to be there, and so far, always have been, and vice versa.

 

The ex issue has been a tricky one. I think people have a right to maintain a friendship. My guy's ex-wife has moved on with someone else, and they maintain infrequent contact. I feel it would be too controlling of me to object to that, even though it makes me a bit uncomfortable. I the reverse, my contact with exes is virtually non existent also. There was one guy I originally maintained contact with, but once it became apparent it bothered my guy, I stopped. Another ex works for the same company as me, but in another area, so we sometimes say hello.

I have since requested that if my guy sees his ex-wife, that I be present also, rather than them meeting one on one for coffee or whatever (last time that happened was about 2 years ago anyway!).

 

As for flirting...well, I think some chatter to the opposite sex so long as it stays harmless, is OK. By that I mean, laughing banter in the workplace, amongst people who also know my SO, and vice versa. That is to me is fun, and probably isn't even strictly flirting I guess. Anything with intent, is not on!

 

And yes HONESTY is so important to us both! And we are both strict on ourselves. Any lapses have been unintentional, and resulted from early assumptions! Things are clear now.