drews14 Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 my ex and i are broken up for around 5 months now, previously we were going out for 2yrs, fairly good relationship. we broke up because she felt like she was loosing her self and needed space. we broke up in march, in may she was dating some one else, in july she got engaged to the new guy shes with. that cut deep. i gave up and tried my best to not have contact ( i never called txt anything) she would txt me or call every 2-3 weeks up to now. this week she took it to the next level, txting and calling alot. we talk for 2hr on the phone ( longest we spoke in months) she said she made a huge mistake getting involved with some one else and that she cant get me off her mind, that she wants me back, shes still in love with me and she wants us to work things out.. every thing i wanted to hear 5 months ago. i told her i dont want to be with her, our relationship is to far gone and we cant pick up the peices. i told her to work things out with her new bf and ill keep doing me. told her to leave me alone and not contact me again. i was being very mean about it.. today she contacts me again trying again, saying she canceled a planned tripped with him and she wants to work it out with me, and that she know i love her still and that she realize i was right all this time and everything i told her was true. i had to tell her im seeing some one else to get her to stop perusing(im not seeing anyone im ok single). my delima : i still love her alot, and i still miss her like crazy, every day for the past 5 months i haven't not once taught about her. i really miss what we had. but with everything that happened between us and her getting engaged to another dude in 2 months i cant look past that. she made it soo complicated. My head says to run far far away from this girl. My heart is still attached. ive been doing good alone, i regained my friends, im healthy, inshape, making money, having a good time .. but im lonely and i miss her, and evey girl i meet since then still hasnt compared to her. now i have what i want, her back.. but its soo complicated idk what to do, im just pushing her away i know i'll regret it years down the line but is this the best thing to do? please help. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 You can ask for advice until the cows come home, but what it boils down to ultimately is what YOU want and what YOU decide. The good thing about NC is it lets us heal from that broken relationship and makes us see with clearer eyes. 5 months ago, you would have JUMPED at the chance to get back with her...now....you're thinking with your brain and not your heart. You have to consider if she being honest. She's still with this guy and she's saying she made a mistake. But....she's still with this guy. I guess we know who's the confused one here. Link to post Share on other sites
kichelka Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 First off, I'm sorry you're having to go through these emotions, I know how the ex reappearing after a long time can shake up your world. Is there any resentment towards her? If so, you need to first resolve that and talk to her about it, make sure it's not going to sneak back up. She could very well have realized the mistake she made. She could also feel vulnerable right now and want to be around someone familiar and who gets her. If you do want to get back with her, take it real slow. Maybe seek counseling together, I know couples who have done this and one couple is married now. They were having a rocky time before. But if there is still resentment and you are feeling forced to give her another chance, in other words, her pleading is making you feel guilty, then you're better off moving on. Look at how much you have improved during this time! Link to post Share on other sites
Dblock10 Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 sadly its broken, getting engaged to someone really... so if you take her back she will think she can just always walk all over you. on the other hand she has woken up to the fact you are the man and now will treat you amazingly. i see why it would be hard to decide. but realistically could you fully trust this girl again? .... plus she is seeing the other guy still. i think you were lucky to get out whilst you could tbh. Link to post Share on other sites
loverboy1984 Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 Your timeline of your break up and her reasons sound like mine. I fantasize to be in your situation right now. I wanted her back and feel the same way you do but I wanted her to come back so I can do what you did and say no. Im sure just like me you were really hurt when the break up happened which is why I wanted her back so she can finally feel the pain I felt. Its stupid I know but hey its the truth. I know I would still want her back but you need to realize that her reason for coming back to you is a red flag. She jumped from one branch to another and now the other branch (her new guy) broke and shes coming back to you. This person sounds dependent. Who would go from an LTR to a 2 month relationship and get engaged? thats is a huge red flag and you have every right to not feel good about it. This break up and the aftermath has shown you her true colors. You need to seriously think about it and ask yourself if this woman is suitable for you and a life partner. Besides your old feelings and comfort you have no security with this person. Your just a solid branch she will hang on to until something better or more desirable comes along. I say speak your mind and tell her your concerns and let her fight for you. If you see she is truly genuine then maybe consider it but for now I say continue moving on and away from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drews14 Posted August 20, 2011 Author Share Posted August 20, 2011 Thanks for the helpful info.. its funny how all that you work for can be wiped away in the course of 3 days.. ugh its getting to me i really taught i was good enought to let her go.. im still strong enought to tell her no i dont want to see her, but idk how long thats going to last. i cant lose sight of what i worked for to be strong. shes really trying hard, she broke it off with the guy that shes was with. i still have tons of doubts tho about her.Like eveyone posted i dont think i can trust her or be ok with how things have went. we had such a past and moments i loved and she brought out the best in me, in the same token we both had so many issues we clashed about. i wish she would of just stayed away and i was not in contact with her. i could of dealt with knowing she's moved on and eventually i would of too. now this throws a curve ball and makes me confused again.. -__- thanks again for all the useful info i really need to think before i act, its soo easy to be reckless in this suitation.. Link to post Share on other sites
olivec Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Thanks for the helpful info.. its funny how all that you work for can be wiped away in the course of 3 days.. ugh its getting to me i really taught i was good enought to let her go.. im still strong enought to tell her no i dont want to see her, but idk how long thats going to last. i cant lose sight of what i worked for to be strong. shes really trying hard, she broke it off with the guy that shes was with. i still have tons of doubts tho about her.Like eveyone posted i dont think i can trust her or be ok with how things have went. we had such a past and moments i loved and she brought out the best in me, in the same token we both had so many issues we clashed about. i wish she would of just stayed away and i was not in contact with her. i could of dealt with knowing she's moved on and eventually i would of too. now this throws a curve ball and makes me confused again.. -__- thanks again for all the useful info i really need to think before i act, its soo easy to be reckless in this suitation.. I know how you feel man as its a very hard decision to make. What makes it even harder is the fact that you still do care about her I know. I just think that how long would it last before she switched up on you again? Thats always gunna be at the back of your mind and you know it. However if shes truely changed she will respect that fact that your gunna need alot of time and that its not gunna be a overnight type of situation and your back together. Personally I would be done with her as shes already caused you pain and sorrow in the past and could again in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Seraph1 Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 This break up and the aftermath has shown you her true colors. You need to seriously think about it and ask yourself if this woman is suitable for you and a life partner. Besides your old feelings and comfort you have no security with this person. Your just a solid branch she will hang on to until something better or more desirable comes along. I agree. Be very careful with this situation. It looks like something is not working with the new guy and she is trying to work out if she still has options. You are worth more than a back-up plan...because once you accept that role in her life it will be your role forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Seraph1 Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 You are worth more than a back-up plan...because once you accept that role in her life it will be your role forever. I may just add that even though you do still care about her deeply... you have to remember that if she had honestly felt the same way about you she would not have caused you this heartbreak. People do make mistakes...but mistakes are NOT established patterns of behaviour. Once they are they are no longer mistakes but the person's character. If she is using guilt, emotional blackmail and not giving you the respect of calm and decent interactions with her and space... she is reacting out of a selfish desire for what she wants rather than being considerate of your needs. Manipulation and drama are NOT indicators that she loves you. They are indicators that she is scared that her life isn't working out the way that she planed...and she is looking for someone safe to take care of her until she finds what she really wants. By all means take it slow but remember that it is easier for them to leave a second time and it doesn't sound like she has addressed any of the issues she has. She told you that she dumped her new guy... is that the truth or did he dump her? You are getting only her side of the story and she will spin it in the way that increases her chances of you taking her back. She's in self-preservation mode right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drews14 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 (edited) thanks again for the insight. update: she is going away to another country for 1.5 weeks alone to clear hear head ( the country she came from) i meet with her on saturday night for a little and we spoke. it felt so normal beside the angry/hurt feelings. it felt great to be around her and to see her. she was affectionate, i tried not to be, she keep working at it and eventually i showed some affection as well. i feel as that was a mistake as it showed he she has power still. we also met again Sunday morning for breakfast she was leaving Sunday night. again it felt good and we did more talking. she told me she realized a lot through out this experience mainly how she was wrong in the past for the way she treated me and our relationship, that how i suggest a relationship should be was correct and that she regrets not loving me like she should. she also said that she doesn't want to rush into some thing else with me, she feels like we need to re learn each other, she felt like we both changed. ( i agree). she said alot basically that she was sorry and it was a big mistake on her end for the past 3 months for seeing that guy. She let her emotions get the better of her and she didn't look at the outcome, then she started to realize that he wasnt good for her, and she missed me and how i treated her and how i was to her. She called it off with him because of this ( or so she says) This leaves me confused .. i dont want to be the "safe guy" that she can run back to and have her way with and leave. i dont deserve that but at the same time i dont want to loss out on the chance that she really did change and matured and we possible have a chance at a good relationship. i tried 2 years with her and i really feel strongly for her. i just dont know what to do.. we agree to speak again 1 week after she returns, i told her i want her to meet with the other guy and talk face to face and tell him its over before she speaks to me. Also i said if she feels like she just rather be with the other guy or alone just let me know and ill accept it. i dont know want i want as of right now. My heart wants to try again, my brain says thats not smart. who do i listen to? 0_o If we were to "try again" it would be slow process where i wouldn't commit to her until she shows shes a stable individual. i also dont know if i can get over her being so close with another guy. ... sorry for the novel thanks in advance for the input.. Edited August 22, 2011 by drews14 Link to post Share on other sites
Seraph1 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 thanks again for the insight. She let her emotions get the better of her and she didn't look at the outcome, then she started to realize that he wasnt good for her, and she missed me and how i treated her and how i was to her. She called it off with him because of this ( or so she says) If what you have written here doesn't tell you what is going on with her then little else will. She told you that she let her emotions get the better of her with this guy...in other words... her emotions for this new guy were a lot stronger than anything that she felt for you. By the time she had realised that he wasn't good for her and she started to use her 'head' rather than her heart... she decided that she missed how you treated her and how you were to her. There is nothing in that statement which indicates more than missing how well you treated her and gave her what she wanted, when she wanted it. She initiates affection and when you respond she is happy. Then she says that she wants to take things slow which I read as NOT COMMITTING TO REBUILDING A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. She is suggesting that if you hang around and work at fixing the relationship AT HER PACE ... you may be able to have a second chance with her. She was the one that left you and is begging for a second chance... why is she the one that is suddenly making all the rules on how this will work? You are happy to agree to them because you still care about her...and by asking her to break it off with the new guy you are asking her to do something that she should have already done LONG before she came back asking you for a second chance. Be careful that you aren't being used and strung along until the new guy lifts his game and starts falling into lines with her plans. Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 OP please for the love of all that is holy Listen to Seraph1! Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Change your phone number, delete hers, block her on Facebook. You know this will not work out. Do yourself a favour and take control of your life. You know you cannot hand over your soul to this woman so that you may both carry it safely to the grave, so stop mugging yourself and find someone who won't abuse you like this. She's a player. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 i dont want to be the "safe guy" that she can run back to and have her way with and leave. i dont deserve that but at the same time i dont want to loss out on the chance that she really did change and matured and we possible have a chance at a good relationship. i tried 2 years with her and i really feel strongly for her. People don't change and mature in a matter of a few months. If she had just wanted space I would give her another chance, but the fact that she left you for anoher dude and is now making you her back up plan sjows she hasn't matured at all. A mature person would have realized what they did was wrong and accepted responsibility for it. Link to post Share on other sites
cavedweller Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 drews14, It will never work..Go 100% NC and move on. my 2 cents Link to post Share on other sites
Author drews14 Posted October 24, 2011 Author Share Posted October 24, 2011 just for the rest to know incase some one else reads this later. it doesnt work, she stringed me along for 1month making me thing there was hope then got back with the other guy. i confronted here at her house, he has now moved in with her.. that was it , i air'd it all out in front of him and her, basically she was caught in her lies, i left , i blocked her number and txts and i havent heard from here since. this time around it was easier to cope with losing her, and now im 110% sure it will never work and we are truly over. so all in all it was a good learning experience now its on to the next.. sucks to say but now that im dating around i do feel cold to females but maybe that may change over time. Link to post Share on other sites
davesterr Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 im sorry to hear that man. i guess now you know who she really is. how much she lied about the reason to break up with u in the first place. and how she lied just to get your affection by using you. hopefully now you will realise that she really isn't a nice person. once u realise that , moving on from now on completely will be alot easier. ofcourse the fantasy of what could've been will always be there. but now u are able to make your real life better than the what could've been ever could be. Link to post Share on other sites
ChelseaLS Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 (edited) I am sorry to hear that. That's so unfair. Edited October 25, 2011 by ChelseaLS Link to post Share on other sites
Dblock10 Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 wow that is cold sorry to hear that mate, but i feel like its a good thing for you. you got final closure and you now know 100% she isnt for you or a nice person. the worst part is how you didnt stop thinking about her for 5 months previously then thought there was hope to only be let down. i feel i could be heading same way with my ex who is travelling, i still think about her and want her back. i guess thats what happens with mutual/not bad breakups Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Geez...Really?!?! That girl has a pair on her! What was her excuse this time! Link to post Share on other sites
immitable Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 ........... Link to post Share on other sites
Author drews14 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 thanks everyone, yea she is/was the most coniving, lying, unstable i ever came across. one day it was " i love you i want to be with you i made a huge mistake, ill show you i mean it" she even would call me and say how much she hates this other guy and what a big mistake he was.. lol then just like that she hangs with him a few times and their back together, i feel sorry for that sucker.. only time before she does it to him. It's what ever i feel free to know that weight has my lifted, my eyes are clear, and now i can honestly move on with out any regrets or wonders. its a good thing i have time to refocus on my self, im in the best shape ever, my career is picking up, i have quality friends and family. So when ever the right female comes along she will come along untill then im fine by my self. i hope this thread helps others as it has helped me. thanks again to eveyone Link to post Share on other sites
Livelovelearn Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 wow i read the whole thing and im sorry that you had to go through that...but atleast you know now..people like your ex are similar to my ex, they are selfish and incapable of truly loving anyone..they probably dont even love themselves....make sure you never speak to her again and try your best to keep busy and get over her...but dont let a witch like her stop you from finding real true love from the lovely ladies that do exist... i wish you the best and if you were a great boyfriend ....she will remember that and she will have to live with her decisions for the rest of her life Link to post Share on other sites
novus69 Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 (edited) I made the mistake of going back for more as well..... My biggest regret ever: NOT listening to my gut, my instinct. It NEVER fails you. You're initial reaction is always right. I think back in my life and I can not proof this theory wrong! How can anyone, seriously, break up, meet someone, get engaged in 2 months, and then com running back? Really....and how about the other guy?...he got a taste of this now....may be he'll dump her when he gets sick of her crap. She sounds ver confused, unable to make the "right" choice. ...regardless.....you would NEVER feel safe with her, as much as you love her. I've decided, if I ever love again, which I know I will, my love has to feel safe and secure, not be put through the wringer, abused, used, and discarded. Take care Edited October 28, 2011 by novus69 Link to post Share on other sites
joseph17 Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I know how that hurts my ex did that to me. She could have realized you were the one for her and that this guy was just a rebound that went way too far. She didn't technically cheat on you so that's a plus but her moving on that fast hurts. Makes you feel like what you had was nothing. Now you are doing good and she wants you back. If you feel like it would be a mistake to not try then follow your instinct and do what is going to make you happy Link to post Share on other sites
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